How To Get Beyond Your Obstacle Today

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Imagine you’re working on a crucial project, and suddenly, your computer crashes, wiping out hours of work, or your best worker quits. Panic sets in, right? But what if you could remain calm, view the situation objectively, and even turn it to your advantage?

When faced with obstacles, many of us crumble under pressure, consumed by stress and anxiety. Yet, our ability to navigate through life’s hurdles can be significantly enhanced by adopting a shift in perspective.

In this episode, I’m sharing a powerful formula for overcoming any obstacle in your life. I was inspired by my recent trip to Italy and the timeless wisdom of Marcus Aurelius. These principles, practiced by great leaders and innovators, can help you not only face the hurdles that come your way but also empower you to find calm and clarity amidst chaos.

Understanding the Nature of Obstacles

Life is full of unexpected hurdles, from minor inconveniences to significant life changes. These interruptions often catch us off guard and disrupt our routine. But how we handle these obstacles defines our journey.

During my trip through Venice, Rome, and Florence, I was amazed at the ancient monuments and masterpieces. These structures, some over 2000 years old, were built despite monumental physical, emotional, and mental obstacles. The perseverance of those builders is a testament to human resilience and ingenuity.

The Philosophy of Stoicism

Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor from 140 AD, is renowned for his philosophical writings that have withstood the test of time. His writings emphasize turning obstacles into opportunities and transforming trials into triumphs. This philosophy, known as stoicism, teaches us to be objective, maintain our composure, and find solutions rather than give in to panic.

How to Remove Overwhelm in Obstacles Using Stoicism Philosophy

Practice Being Objective

One thing is for sure: we don’t want to bring our emotions to confront our struggles. Our problems can make us emotional, triggering a fight-or-flight state, clouding our judgment, and leading to poor decision-making. This does not help us with the obstacles, but too often, we do it anyway.

So, the one skill that can help us prevent ourselves from experiencing this extreme emotion is being objective.

For example, when astronauts train for space missions. Half of their training focuses on technology and space operations, and the other half emphasizes maintaining composure in unexpected situations. Like astronauts, staying calm allows us to access wisdom and solutions for unexpected turns that life takes.

Keep a Cool Head

Keeping a cool head doesn’t mean suppressing emotions. It means recognizing when they are unhelpful and choosing to focus on solutions first rather than allowing emotions to dictate our actions. Try to remain calm amid an anxious state.

I recently watched the movie “The Long Game” with my family. It is a story about a coach who teaches young golfers to respond to obstacles with a clear head. Using golf as a metaphor for life, the coach illustrates how to handle unexpected challenges without getting emotional, emphasizing the importance of responding to the situation as it is. Sometimes we land in the bunker. Sometimes in the green. The successful take the next step from where the ball lies.

Perspective is Power

I recall a time when I lost an important article I was writing for a book. All of a sudden, it was gone. But instead of panicking, wasting energy, and despairing over the lost work, I altered my perspective to stay calm and immediately started anew. Surprisingly, my second attempt turned out better than the first. By embracing the obstacle, I not only salvaged the situation but also improved upon it.

We can’t control the obstacles themselves, but we can control the meaning we assign them. By choosing a positive and proactive viewpoint, we can transform challenges into stepping stones toward success.

The next time you face an obstacle in life or business, try to:

Keep a Cool Head: Maintain composure in the face of adversity. Like astronauts and military personnel, train yourself to stay calm and focused during unforeseen challenges.
Practice Being Objective: Separate emotions from problem-solving. Emotions can be processed later; your immediate task is to address the obstacle objectively.
Alter Your Perspective: Our perspective shapes our reality. Shift the meaning you assign to obstacles. Instead of seeing them as roadblocks, view them as integral parts of your journey and opportunities for growth.

Remember, you cannot get through life without obstacles. Trust that the obstacle is part of your path, that it is meant to be there, and that it is designed to help you in whatever way you are going. You’ve got this.

In this episode, I share:

The importance of using obstacles as a path forward rather than seeing them as mere hindrances.
Learn how to alter your perspective to transform your trials into triumphs.
Develop a calm and objective state when unexpected things happen.

Resources and related episodes:

Learn more about Marcus Aurelius and Stoicism
Watch The Long Game movie
Tune in to the previous episode, Mastering the Pre-Mortem: Boost Your Team’s Success and Your Personal Goals With This Simple Exercise
Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Mastering the Pre-Mortem: Boost Your Team’s Success and Your Personal Goals With This Simple Exercise

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Planning is often seen as the cornerstone of success. Yet, even the most meticulously crafted plans can encounter unforeseen obstacles. So, how can we better prepare for these inevitable bumps in the road?

In this episode, I’ll share an exercise called the pre-mortem, which can help you flip the script and plan for potential pitfalls so you can avoid them altogether. Whether you’re leading a team of 100 — or just yourself — this powerful exercise can dramatically increase your chances of success!

What is a Pre-Mortem?

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of internal strategists at a company. These strategists are crucial in driving their organization’s strategic goals, often juggling multiple stakeholders with varying priorities and skill sets.

It can be a challenging environment, and they wanted to know if there was a way to establish ownership and commitment early on to boost their chances of success.

The answer was yes— the pre-mortem.

A pre-mortem is essentially the opposite of a post-mortem. In a medical setting, a post-mortem analyzes what caused a person to die. Similarly in a business setting a post-mortem looks at what has caused a project to fail after it has already failed. A pre-mortem involves imagining that the project has failed before it even begins and then identifying the reasons for this hypothetical failure.

This proactive approach allows teams and individuals to foresee and address potential issues in advance, thereby improving the chances of success.

Implementing a Pre-Mortem in Team Settings

When leading a team or multiple groups with different priorities, conducting a pre-mortem can quickly establish ownership and commitment among team members. Here’s a couple of effective methods to implement it:

The Checklist Method: If you have an experienced team, you likely already know common reasons for project failures, and you can create a checklist from them. Before starting any new project, review this comprehensive checklist with your team and allow each member to assess potential problems against known issues.

The Brainstorming Method: For a more organic approach, begin by informing team members that the project has hypothetically failed. Give everyone a few minutes to write down all possible reasons for this failure. This method can bring unnoticed but critical issues to light because it encourages fresh perspectives. This leads to a list of potential pitfalls and allows you to address them upfront, strengthening your project plan from the get-go.

For example, someone in operations might highlight technical limitations, while someone in sales might point out market risks. By foreseeing these issues early, you can plan around them, enhancing the project’s chances of success.

Applying the Pre-Mortem to Personal Goals

The beauty of the pre-mortem exercise is that it’s not limited to team projects; it’s also beneficial for personal goal setting. Here’s how you can use it for your own aspirations:

Career Transition: Imagine you have a goal to transition to a more fulfilling career by the end of the year. Instead of starting with enthusiasm and risking a loss of momentum, presuppose that you’ve failed to make the transition. Ask yourself why. Common reasons might include doubting your capabilities, not reaching out for support, or letting other priorities interfere.

By identifying these potential pitfalls at the outset, you can create a stronger, more realistic plan to overcome them. For instance, if imposter syndrome is a concern, you might seek mentorship or professional development opportunities to build your confidence.

Enjoying Your Summer: If your goal is to have a memorable summer, imagine it’s the end of summer, and you feel unfulfilled. Why? Perhaps you didn’t plan activities, prioritize family time, or make spontaneous decisions. By identifying these regrets and the reasons for them in advance, you can proactively plan and schedule activities to ensure a fun and fulfilling summer.

Why use a Pre-Mortem?

With a pre-mortem, you aren’t left to deal with the aftermath of failure; instead, you proactively anticipate and address obstacles. This exercise leads to multiple benefits:

Improves Efficiency and Prioritization: By identifying potential problems early, the team (and you) can address them before they become actual issues, saving time and resources.
Enhances Focus and Commitment: Team members feel valued for their input and are more committed to the project’s success.
Encourages Honest Communication: Team members are more likely to voice concerns and identify issues that might otherwise go unmentioned.
Reduces Post-Launch Surprises: Spotting and addressing problems before they arise minimizes last-minute chaos and enhances overall project stability.

Try a Pre-Mortem on Your Next Project!

Choose a project or goal you have right now, conduct a pre-mortem, and see how it transforms your planning and execution. Here’s some tips to help you get started:

Start Small: Practice the pre-mortem exercise with smaller projects or goals to get comfortable with the process.
Be Honest: Encourage honesty and openness during the brainstorming session to uncover all potential issues.
Use the Findings: Act on the identified issues by incorporating solutions into your project plan, ensuring they are addressed from the start.

The pre-mortem exercise is a powerful tool that can significantly improve your chances of success in both professional and personal pursuits.

By anticipating failure and addressing potential issues early, you set yourself and your team up for success.

Whether you’re leading a large project or pursuing a personal goal, give the pre-mortem a try. You’ll find it transforms the way you plan and execute, helping you avoid pitfalls and achieve your aspirations with greater ease and confidence.

Don’t forget to share your experiences and results—I can’t wait to see what you create!

In this episode:

Understand the importance of “failure planning” to help create realistic plans and avoid common pitfalls.
Learn the ways to address potential issues before they arise, increasing the likelihood of project success.
Develop and encourage team members to voice their concerns and take ownership of fostering a collaborative and committed environment.

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, Key Strategies To Overcome Rejection So You Remain Unstoppable
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Key Strategies To Overcome Rejection So You Remain Unstoppable

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Have you ever felt paralyzed by the fear of rejection or failure? These setbacks are universal experiences that often stall us from pursuing our dreams. But what if I told you that rejection could be your greatest ally in achieving your future success?

Imagine turning every “no” into a powerful stepping stone that propels you forward. By accurately assessing what is holding you back and redefining rejection as redirection, you can unlock new paths to success and embrace every setback as a setup for something greater.

In this episode, I’m sharing a few ways to reframe rejection and failure, featuring personalities like NFL player Robert Spillane, Jamie Lee McKern, and Taylor Swift to embrace rejections in your favor and empower you to chase your dreams with renewed confidence and resilience.

The Truth About Rejection and Success

This past weekend, Robert Spillane was the commencement speaker at my daughter’s high school graduation. Robert is both a graduate of her high school and a starting linebacker for the Las Vegas Raiders. He graduated a decade ago and shared his story, openly discussing the rejections and failures he experienced along the way.

Robert went undrafted before his NFL career began and described key moments when he worked hard but was not asked to join a team. Many would have given up, but he kept showing up despite the many no’s, embarrassments, and rejections. His story made me think about how we can all stay standing and pursue our dreams despite setbacks.

Redefining Rejection

Like all things, nothing has meaning, but the meaning we give it and rejections aren’t any different. Often, we link rejection with feeling unworthy or not enough. I know for me, it used to be easy to associate a goal not happening the way I wanted with my own lack of worth. I see this happen to people all the time. Maybe your business idea wasn’t accepted by the team, a friend chooses someone else to attend an event, or someone provides negative feedback at work.

But rejection and failure only mean those things because we give them those meanings. We can choose to redecide, reframe, or redefine the meaning we give to rejection so we keep moving forward.

Here are three ways of handling rejections and failures, so you overcome them — every time. I hope you try them out for yourself.

Rejection is God’s Protection

One powerful rejection reframe is from Jamie Kern Lima, founder of IT Cosmetics. She built her business into one of the largest luxury makeup companies in the country, eventually selling it for $1.2 billion. Jamie went through many rejections and failures, but early on she redefined rejection as “God’s protection.” This means that if something didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to happen. Instead of feeling abandoned, you can trust that there’s a larger plan at work that you may not be able to see right now. The universe has your back!

It’s Not Part of Your Destiny

Another perspective is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not part of your ultimate destiny. Sometimes, your value or gifts are being divinely hidden because it’s not the right path for you. We often think we know what’s best for us, but in hindsight, we often can see clearly why certain things didn’t work out. This understanding helps us accept rejection as a redirection toward what truly is meant for us ultimately.

Thank the Rejection

Learn to thank the rejection, knowing it’s preparing you for future success. Taylor Swift provides a great example of this. She describes being mistreated and made fun of during her rise to fame by another celebrity, which helped her build resilience. Without those painful experiences, she might not have achieved her current success. Embrace rejection as a necessary step in building the skills and strength needed for your future achievements.

The next time you face rejection and failure, try to:

Reframe Rejection: Redefine rejection as protection or redirection from a higher power or destiny, which helps you stay positive and keep moving forward.
Recognize Your Growth: Understand that rejection is a sign of growth and a necessary step in achieving your dreams. Successful people have faced many rejections. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing.
Embrace Resilience: Use rejection as an opportunity to build resilience and prepare for future success. Thank the rejection for the lessons it brings.

Rejection, like life, is not happening to us; it’s happening for us.

Your call to action: Identify the areas in your life where you feel blocked, ask yourself how you would act if you weren’t afraid of rejection? Then take that first micro-step. You are more ready to succeed than you think you are.

In this episode, I share:

Understanding that rejection is not a reflection of your worth but an opportunity for growth and redirection
Examples highlighting journeys that went through rejection and how they turned setbacks into set-ups
Four practical strategies for showing up and pursuing dreams the next time your met with a rejection or failure

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self
Learn more about NFL player Robert Spillane, Jamie Kern Lima of IT Cosmetics, and Taylor Swift
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

How do you engage in pressured situations while maintaining your best self? What do you do to manage and prevent stressful situations from negatively impacting your behavior?

In an ideal world, we don’t feel pressure at all—we hold boundaries, disarm conflict, and let things roll off our back. But we know that’s not reality all the time, right? We are complex creatures with emotions and past experiences that can trigger us. Whether it’s deadlines, difficult conversations with colleagues, or even complicated family matters — pressure is an unavoidable part of life.

Of course, being self-aware is the first and foremost way to decrease our reactivity. By examining what triggers us, shining a flashlight on our blindspots and peeling back the layers, we can unlock our best selves and our best levels of leadership. BUT what do you do when the pressureful situation still strikes and you are knee-deep in it?

In this episode, I’ll dive into how we can handle these moments in real-time without losing control and instead become models of the behavior we most want to see in our board rooms, classrooms, and family rooms.

The Reality of Pressure and Its Impact

Recognizing and understanding why we feel pressure in different scenarios can help us improve our self-awareness in the moment.

In a meeting I witnessed a team member, Tom, becoming increasingly agitated. His voice grew louder and more aggressive. The tension was evident and most in the room grew progressively uncomfortable. But then, Tom did something extraordinary. He paused, took a breath, and became aware of his behavior in real-time. Tom performed a quick self-assessment and chose to change his approach. He then apologized, acknowledged the pressure he was under and said that it still didn’t justify his behavior. This honest self-assessment and admission not only transformed Tom, but also transformed others in the room, allowing everyone to relax and feel compassion. It brought the team back to the real issue, enabling us to work together more effectively.

The Way We React to the World is Significant

Unexpected and uncontrollable events happen all the time. So, we need to know what we can do to avoid being hijacked by these moments and instead maintain our best selves. We need effective strategies. The good news is that there are ways to dismantle and redirect these pressureful situations before they escalate or harm our relationships and careers.

Here are the Five Steps to Maintain Your Best Self Under Pressure

Be Aware of the Moment

Recognizing these pressureful moments makes all the difference. It might seem simple, but it’s not. Pressure triggers an instinctive response from our sympathetic nervous system, often before we’re even aware of it. Noticing physical signs like increased heart rate, faster speech, or sweaty palms can help you become aware that you are moving to a flight or flight response.

Pause

Once you’re aware of a pressureful situation, pause. This allows you to become an objective observer of your situation. By stepping outside yourself and looking back — neutrally — you can see your behavior as it’s occurring. Slowing your heart rate down with deep breathing is extremely influential when you notice the physical experience of fear manifesting in your body. One simple way is to inhale for four, hold for seven, exhale for seven. This will reduce the pressured feeling in the moment and move you from a reactive to a calm state.

Give Your Pressured Self a Direction

When I feel pressured, I am open to help. The good news I’ve learned is that we can actually help ourselves in these moments. For me, the simple direction of “release” can take me back to my center. It’s like telling a dog to drop the bone. This simple direction can shift me when the pressure is mounting and I feel more defensive or aggressive in a certain moment.

Becoming defensive under pressure is a very natural and common way we armor up to protect ourselves when we interpret a situation as threatening. Unfortunately, being defensive (other than when we are being physically attacked) is also unproductive and detrimental. You can’t be at your best—thinking clearly or solving problems effectively—when you’re defensive. So, when you feel the urge to react negatively, remind yourself to “release” the fear or tension in that moment.

Perform a Self-Assessment

We know that when we feel pressured, we’re often driven by fear or worry. Certainly not our best selves. To get to the root of why this is, ask yourself these two questions: “What am I really afraid of?” and “What is my truth”? Often, our fears are irrational and identifying the truth allows us to return from our pressured selves back to our best selves.

This was best demonstrated by Tom when he was able to do this in real-time and owned what he feared — that his team wouldn’t perform and that would lead to his failure and judgment from stakeholders. He then identified what was as true (or more true) than his fear, that he could lead his team to successful completion with his colleagues’ support. By pulling out of his fear, he was able to not lose control and instead access better resources and support.

Follow the #1 Leadership Principle: Lead from Love

One way to practice this is to ask yourself, “What would love do here?” This principle helps you respond with empathy and compassion rather than fear and defensiveness. Choose to lead from love even when the pressure is on.

Now, whenever you feel pressure rising, you have a complete process to help you rise as an employee or leader:

1. Be aware you’re in a pressure moment. Name that pressureful moment.
2. Pause. Objectively observe yourself.
3. Give direction and help your pressured self. Simply provide the part of you that is in fight or flight to “release.”
4. Perform a self-assessment. Start asking yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and “What is the truth?” Then behave according to the truth.
5. Lead from Love.

Remember, if you shut down, others shut down. When you stay calm you will elicit calm from others.

In each pressured moment lies an opportunity to exhibit your highest potential. Use these strategies to transform pressure into growth and demonstrate emotional maturity that sets you apart and drives you towards more substantial, fulfilling outcomes in every area of your life.

In this episode, I share:

How to recognize a pressured moment as it’s rising
How to avoid reacting and instead dismantle a pressured situation like the great leaders do
Five simple, practical steps you can use in real-time to maintain your best when the pressure is high
The role and advantage of self-awareness when the stakes are high and the decisions matter

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, (Part 2) Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent
Try these Mindfulness Apps: Apps like Headspace or Calm can help you develop mindfulness practices.
Read the book, “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

(Part 2) Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Today we’re continuing our conversation about expanding and improving your self-awareness, leadership, and relationship growth through the profound and popular Enneagram assessment.

Maybe you’ve never done self-growth work before, or maybe you’re someone like me who has spent decades doing personal growth work—either way, you’ll find this to be extremely enlightening! There’s so much to the Enneagram—you can go as shallow or as deep as you’d like with the material. Think of it as a life-long journey.

The very best part of this episode is my guest. She’s the sought-after relationship consultant, Enneagram expert, and wise woman—whom I get to call a friend—Leslie Neugent.

Meet Leslie Neugent of Relationship Matters

Leslie has had leadership roles in business, academics and in ministry. After earning her undergraduate and Master’s degrees from Northwestern University, Leslie began her career in advertising. Though she successfully rose through the ranks to become a Vice President, she decided that the advertising world wasn’t a good match from her spirit. She then went to work for for Texas Christian University in Fort Worth and served as the Director of Admissions for the MBA Program. After taking some time off for motherhood, she entered seminary training where she got her Master’s in Divinity Degree and became a Minister.

How did Leslie get started with the Enneagram?

Leslie was introduced to the Enneagram as part of her seminary training, and she found it to be such an incredible tool for her own personal growth that she went on to be mentored by the internationally renowned Enneagram master, teacher, and author, Russ Hudson. Leslie became certified as an Enneagram teacher and consultant through the Enneagram Institute in New York, and then in 2020, launched her own relationship consulting business called Relationship Matters.

“I had an experience with the Enneagram in seminary where I realized to be a minister, I had to work on some of my blind spots that came with my Enneagram.”

The Enneagram was remarkably transformative for her and sparked her interest in the tool.

“I came to realize that there are some very, very specific and nuanced themes that people struggle with and deal with in relationships. Once they become aware of them and realize that there are places they’re stuck and where they have superpowers they’re overusing which can crash into other people that they love’s nervous systems—that is where the money line is.”

Who does Leslie work with?

Today, Leslie works with individuals, couples, families, businesses and groups to help develop the self-awareness that’s necessary for us to heal, grow and optimize our relationships. She’s a speaker, consultant and workshop leader.

My family and I have had the privilege of working with Leslie using the Enneagram and am delighted to have this opportunity to introduce her to you.

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a psychology-spiritual tool that helps us recognize that tells us a lot of things about ourselves, primarily where we’re stuck.

There are nine types within the Enneagram. It identifies what your superpower or gift is that you’ve developed as your way of showing up. The ego needs a way to show up and feel valued and the Enneagram organizes that information into 9 buckets.

Think about B.F. Skinner and his work around positive reinforcement. As children, we need that and these gifts are survival mechanism. This is a beautiful thing because we start learning where we fit in the world, and how we can move forward, strive, thrive, and survive. We lean into that and we get good at it.

How does the Enneagram work and why does it matter to leadership and relationships?

In these nine types, there are nine different coping mechanisms or different ways of showing up and feeling valued. They are all necessary and good.

What happens as we get older and our ego takes the wheel is that we fall asleep to all other possibilities of how we can show up, which is very limiting and in some cases can be damaging. And this is how our unique motivation is formed.

We show up into a family system that’s in action. The movie is already happening. The family system may be healthy, may not be, but your little baby self shows up.

And as a child in those pre-language, toddler-ish years, we have a special survival mechanism which B.F. Skinner termed “behaviorism.”

We start trying different things. We get assertive, stomp our feet, and yell. Because, again, this is pre-language and all we have to express ourselves are our actions.

You might get language back to you about being quiet, what the right thing to do is, or how you “should” behave. Perhaps you get non-verbal cues about what you should or should not be doing. Whatever the response is, our nervous systems are receiving this information and learning what to do to protect ourselves.

And from there, we learn what the reward system is which helps us develop our coping mechanism. The problem is, we don’t grow out of that or intuitively learn how to balance our gifts once we hit adulthood. That’s where the Enneagram comes in.

The Enneagram groups these coping mechanisms together in 9 different groups, which are categorized as Types. Each group has its own network of motivations and behaviors.

When we talk about our number (or our Type), think of it as your home base. It’s your superpower or gift, but it can also be your Achilles heel.

This is where we grow from. One of the dangers in Enneagram work (when it’s done too superficially) is it becomes our badge. We can begin to “blame” things on our Enneagram type instead of using it as a tool to inspire personal and professional growth.

First we get aware—80% of things can be changed simply with the awareness of them. And then the Enneagram gives you a roadmap for what to do with that awareness.

Brief introduction to the motivations of the 9 Enneagram personality types

What I love about the Enneagram is the whole idea that every single one of the nine types is a superpower—all of them are good.

The Enneagram is so rich because it’s so positive. It is such a simple system, and yet you can get very deep with it as well.

There are essentially 3 tiers to the system: liberated, evolved, and restricted. When we’re at our most liberated or our most evolved, that’s when we are using our superpower to its five-star level. When we’re overusing our gift (think of it almost like an Achilles heel), that’s when we are relying on it too heavily, and we have to be aware.

There is in fact so much to the Enneagram that we’ve decided to split this into two parts. What follows is the Enneagram basics for Type 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. You can find Type 8, 9, 1, and 2 over here!

Type 3

(This is me!)

Type 3’s superpower or gift

The Achiever or The Performer. This is a productive energy. They’re assertive, they’re leaders, and they’re incredibly efficient! 3’s just know how to get the job done and done well.

3’s are also chameleons. Leslie has seen many high level executives that are 3’s lose who they are because they’re so busy being what the world wants and needs them to be.

How are Type 3’s motivated?

3’s are in the Shame Triad with 2’s and feel that they must do something in order to be valued. They feel like they have to get this thing done quickly so they can move on to the next thing they have to get done!

Type 3’s should be aware of

3’s have to learn to bring their heart back into the space, which is tough for them because feelings can be really inefficient. While that may be true in the short term, relationships will actually make the achievements even sweeter in the long run.

Type 4

(Leslie’s son is a 4.)

Type 4’s superpower or gift

The Individualist. They’re our artists, musicians, and creators. They see beauty where, often, many of us don’t.

They’re a sensitive energy and have an ability to hold all of the hard and light emotions—without trying to fix it. (This is very different from most—if not all—of the other Types who like to fix things.)

How are Type 4’s motivated?

Early on in life, they learn that they need to be different to be valued. They’re in the Fear Triad. So they may fear being abandoned and therefore make themselves such that they stand out from the crowd.

Type 4’s should be aware of

4’s work so hard to be different and unique, yet they become jealous of the “common man” and sense of “normal.” It’s important for 4’s to realize this is a box they put themselves in and that they can rewrite the script if they’d like!

Type 5

Type 5’s superpower or gift

The Observer or The Investigator. This is a suspicious energy. They have sober judgment—they can be objective. 5’s possess an extremely steady energy and will give a very reasoned point of view.

How are Type 5’s motivated?

They’re thinkers and live in the theme of fear. When they’re young, they perceive that resources are limited. They like to dive deep and become expert on things.

Type 5’s should be aware of

Because they have that perception from childhood that there’s not enough to go around, 5’s tend to hoard whatever it is they have—whether it be information, resources, money, etc. They can become busy analyzing life instead of living it.

Type 6

(One of my daughters is a Type 6)

Type 6’s superpower or gift

The Loyalist or The Skeptic. (Think of 6’s as a lite Type 8.) They have much of the same big, assertive energy—minus the anger of an 8. They’re like the Boy Scouts of the Enneagram. They’re loyal, trustworthy, and honest.

They have an intense sense of responsibility to their inner circle—family, friends, or colleagues. 6’s have very much of a “leave no man behind” energy.

How are Type 6’s motivated?

6’s want certainty. They want to be sure of their next steps and are motivated by fear. 6’s are a worrying energy. They’re in the Fear Triad with 5’s and 7’s.

6’s often operate from this mentality of “I must get this right and know the answer. Because of this they’ll seek to gather more and more information. But the thing is, there’s no such thing as being 100% sure. 6’s only need to do their best and then let it go.

Type 6’s should be aware of

They can have a cynical view of the world, they’re suspicious and jump to the worst case scenario. But sometimes the one who can only see what’s wrong, can only see what could go wrong—and that can be a hard place to live.

Type 7

Type 7’s superpower or gift

The Enthusiast or The Adventurer. This is the positive outlook energy extraordinaire. They can take anything that happens and find the silver lining. They’re fun, visionaries, and love new ideas!

How are Type 7’s motivated?

7’s are in the Fear Triad. They learn young to dust themselves off when they fall off the bike or a relationship ends and just keep going.

Their fear is related to not wanting to look at their inner world (emotions), and to help with this they keep their minds occupied.

Type 7’s should be aware of

When 7’s get frustrated, they get irritable because you’re holding back the fun of life. They don’t learn the tools for sitting in things that are hard or painful (for example: metabolizing grief). So they will become distracted and numb themselves to be distracted and not have to address the hard things.

Go to Part 1 for the beginning of this conversation!

Freshen up on Types 8, 9, 1, and 2.

In this episode, I share:

Real examples to show what makes the Enneagram different, how it works, and how it improves relationships in homes and in the workplace
Why the worst part of you is the best part of you
How relationships without self-awareness can lead to misunderstanding and self-deception
Where you can take a reliable Enneagram assessment

Resources and related episodes:

Enneagram Institute
RHETI Test
Leslie’s Website
Tune in to the previous episode, Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent
Listen to episode 124: A Practice to Cultivate Your External Self-Awareness
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Today, we’re talking about improving and optimizing your relationships through the profound and popular Enneagram assessment.

Maybe you’ve never done self-growth work before, or maybe you’re someone like me who has spent decades doing the work—either way, I’m confident this episode will provide you with a new insight or way to improve an important relationship –either with yourself or another.

The best part of this episode is who I have with me. She’s the sought-after relationship consultant, Enneagram expert, speaker—and my friend—Leslie Neugent.

Meet Leslie Neugent of Relationship Matters

Leslie has had leadership roles in business, academics and in ministry. After earning her undergraduate and Master’s degrees from Northwestern University, Leslie began her career in advertising. Though she successfully rose through the ranks to become a Vice President, she decided that the advertising world wasn’t a good match for her spirit. She then went on to work for Texas Christian University in Fort Worth where she served as the Director of Admissions for the MBA Program. After taking some time off for motherhood, she entered seminary training where she got her Master’s in Divinity Degree and became a Minister.

How did Leslie get started with the Enneagram?

Leslie was introduced to the Enneagram as part of her seminary training. She found it to be such an incredible tool for her own personal growth that she went on to be mentored by the internationally renowned Enneagram master, teacher, and author, Russ Hudson.

Leslie became certified as an Enneagram teacher and consultant through the Enneagram Institute in New York, and then in 2020, launched her own relationship consulting business called Relationship Matters.

“I had an experience with the Enneagram in seminary where I realized to be a minister, I had to work on some of my blind spots that came with my Enneagram.”

The Enneagram was remarkably transformative for her and sparked her interest in the tool. But then she decided to move it into business through her ministry and pastoral counseling and care.

“I came to realize that there are some very, very specific and nuanced themes that people struggle with and deal with in relationships. Once they become aware of them and realize that there are places they’re stuck and where they have superpowers they’re overusing which can crash into other people that they love’s nervous systems—that is where the money line is.”

Who does Leslie work with?

Today, Leslie works with individuals, couples, families, businesses and groups to help develop the self-awareness that’s necessary for us to heal, grow and optimize our relationships. She’s a speaker, consultant and workshop leader.

My family and I have had the privilege of working with Leslie on the Enneagram. So it is no surprise that I am delighted to have her here!

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a psycho-spiritual tool that helps us recognize what tells us a lot of things about ourselves, primarily where we’re stuck.

There are nine types within the Enneagram. It identifies what your superpower or gift is that you’ve developed as your way of showing up. The ego needs a way to show up and feel valued and the Enneagram organizes that information into 9 buckets.

Think about B.F. Skinner and his work around positive reinforcement. As children, we need these gifts as our survival mechanism. This is a beautiful thing because we start learning where we fit in the world, and how we can move forward, strive, thrive, and survive. We lean into that and we get good at it.

How does the Enneagram work and why does it matter to leadership and relationships?

In these nine types, there are nine different coping mechanisms or different ways of showing up and feeling valued. They are all necessary and good.

What happens as we get older and our ego takes the wheel is that we fall asleep to all other possibilities of how we can show up, which is very limiting and in some cases can be damaging.

And this is how our unique motivation is formed.