The Hidden Cost Behind Having It All Together: What High-Performers Rarely Admit But Deeply Feel

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

You’ve achieved everything you were supposed to: a successful career, a full family life, the ability to get things done. And yet, you find yourself asking… Why don’t I feel more satisfied? Why am I still not at peace? Why can’t I rest better?

In this deeply personal episode of Playing Full Out, I step away from the quick tips and high-performance tools to share the truths we often don’t talk about—the emotional toll of always being “on,” the subconscious fear of not being enough, and the secrets we keep even from ourselves in the name of success.

The Hidden Pressure Behind High Achievement

For many high achievers, life looks nearly perfect from the outside. Having everything we once dreamed of: a thriving career, a beautiful home, and happy kids. But beneath the surface, there is a quiet, persistent restlessness that rarely gets resolved.

As I was years ago, I was unknowingly governed and directed by a deep insecurity of “not being enough.” I couldn’t see it at the time. All I knew was that I was always on, always doing, always striving; in short, I was obsessed. I was working so hard to maintain an image and avoid uncomfortable truths that I didn’t even see.  

What I didn’t realize was that I was burning myself out. I wasn’t lying outright, but I was performing a version of myself that wasn’t true. The one thing I never wanted to be called? “Average.” That one word revealed the secret I worked overtime to hide.

And I see the same pattern in my clients: men and women running successful businesses, raising beautiful families, and hosting perfect holiday parties, yet underneath, they’re exhausted, overextended, and quietly wondering, ‘Why don’t I feel better?’

The Toll of Avoiding Discomfort

What lies at the crux of running at this exhausting pace? It’s not the workload. It’s not the job. It’s not even the stress. It’s the unconscious fear that if we slow down, we’ll fall apart, or if we slow down, we won’t be seen. 

These burdens don’t always show up as obvious thoughts. Instead, they creep in as perfectionism, chronic anxiety, or a constant urge to keep everyone around you happy. And here’s the hard truth. The hiding, the not knowing, and then the not telling once we do know that is what causes the pain. The secret itself isn’t the problem; it’s the ongoing effort to keep the secret hidden.

What it Takes to Find True Peace

One of my clients, Michelle, had just sold her company. On paper, she had everything she set out to accomplish. But instead of feeling free and at peace, she felt anxious, lost, and restless. What we discovered was that her worth had been tied to her hustle. Without it, she didn’t know who she was. She didn’t believe she was worthy of love or rest without first proving her value. 

That belief was what created the restlessness, and it’s a story I’ve seen over and over again.

You see, sustainable peace doesn’t come from a new schedule. It comes from telling the truth to ourselves first. From releasing the identities, we’ve built a sense of safety, allowing ourselves to grieve, rage, and feel what’s been buried.

When I did this work myself, everything shifted. When I decided to reveal my secret, I experienced a peace I had never felt before. My business grew, my health improved, and ironically, I got more done by doing less. That’s the power of aligning with your true self, rather than the image you think you have to be.

Questions to ask yourself in finding true peace

If you are ready to begin your journey of uncovering your inner secrets and finding true peace, here are some reflection questions to get you started:

  1. What secrets am I keeping, even from myself?
  2. What emotions am I avoiding by staying busy?
  3. What rules have I created just to feel safe, and do they still serve me?
  4. If someone wrote an article about me tomorrow, what’s the last word I would not let them call or say about me? Then, look at what you do in a day to avoid being called that word.

The Marks of Real Healing

Real healing doesn’t begin with a hack. It doesn’t begin with a tool, years of deep therapy, or dramatic life overhauls. Simply acknowledging what’s long been avoided, naming it, writing about it, or speaking it out loud, even privately, begins to release its grip. Over time, triggers that once sent us into anxiety or frustration lose their charge. The pursuit of rest and ease shifts away from external hacks and toward more profound self-awareness.

Peace isn’t about what we do but who we’re willing to become as we move through life. By meeting ourselves honestly, we finally create the rest, joy, and fulfilment that achievement alone could never bring.

Remember, peace is always available when we stop hiding from ourselves.

In this episode, I share:

  • The hidden cost of constantly being busy and how our restlessness masks deeper secrets and fears.
  • How protective habits become harmful patterns that leave us stuck and depleted.
  • How to find true peace and rest beyond the meditation app and productivity hacks.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Second Thought Method

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you ever find yourself reacting in the heat of the moment, only to regret what you said or did just minutes later? Whether at home with your kids, in the meeting room, or even behind the wheel, our instinctual “first thoughts” can often lead to unnecessary conflict and misunderstanding.

In this episode, I’m sharing something simple and powerful that can truly improve your connection with others. It’s called The Second Thought Method, and I promise you, it will transform your relationship and dramatically reduce the stress and problems often resulting from reactive communication when you use it. 

Let me explain where this idea came from—and why it matters so much.

The First Thought Trap

I was sent a short clip from a Netflix movie where Jennifer Aniston plays a mom who loses it on her teenage daughter. She’s yelling, cursing, and listing everything she’s ever done for her child. It’s raw, intense, and honestly, it made me tear up. I shared it with a few people, and they had the same reaction. One person even asked, “Why does it hit so hard?” I said, “Well, you know, the truth will make us cry.”

That movie scene reminded me how often we lead with our first thought, those immediate, gut-level reactions like anger, blame, or defensiveness. I get it. I’ve been there too. But the problem isn’t Jennifer Aniston’s character. The real problem is that she was leading with her first thought.

Our first thoughts are fast and automatic, deeply rooted in years of past experiences and conditioning. In true danger, they can save us, like the time when I was physically attacked by a couple of men and screamed loud enough to get help. That primal response was necessary. But it was once in my life. That’s not day-to-day life? But too often we respond with that same reactivity which can wreck relationships and do immeasurable harm to our most important work..

What Is the Second Thought Method?

The Second Thought Method is a practice of pausing before you respond, especially when you’re emotionally triggered. It’s where the reflection happens. It’s the voice that asks what’s most helpful right now. The second thought comes from a higher, more thoughtful part of ourselves – the prefrontal cortex, your thinking capacity, capable of empathy, perspective, and wisdom. 

But our second thought has been highly devalued. If you think about it, it’s usually associated with doubt or a change of heart. For example, she had second thoughts about getting married, or if I was going to the store, but then I had a second thought about staying home. 

The second thought is given a lot of bad press, when it’s actually the solution to our problems.   

The Power of Pause

The moment between the trigger and your response? That’s where your power is. Taking a pause and being in self-observation mode to realize that you are safe and that you don’t need any type of protective behaviors –ones like blaming, shaming, fleeing or hiding.

Recognize and acknowledge your first thought (your emotions have messages), but pause to reflect and choose to act on your second. This isn’t about dismissing your emotions or pretending you don’t have strong reactions. It’s about giving yourself a moment to breathe, check in, and decide if your first instinct truly serves you and will contribute versus contaminate your real intentions.

3 Tips to Practice The Second Thought Method

  1. Build the Pause Muscle: When you feel triggered, pause for a few seconds. Breathe. Acknowledge the first thought. (Example, “She ticks me off.”)
  2. Ask Yourself a Simple Question: What’s my second thought? This will train your brain to look past the gut reaction and find the deeper truth.
  3. Practice in Low-Stakes Moments: Use this method when your kid spills something, when a coworker interrupts, or when a friend forgets something important. These small moments prepare you for big ones.

Your Call to Action for the Week

Notice your first thought in moments of stress or conflict, and pause. Ask yourself if you can choose your second thought instead. See how your conversations shift, how your relationships improve, and how your sense of peace and control grows.

We all have stuff in our subconscious that triggers us, but our job is to be responsible and aware to heal those parts of us instead of projecting them on others..

You’re not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thoughts and for leading from them..

In this episode, I share:

  • Why our relationship with our second thoughts have been poorly shaped
  • Why leading with your first thought, especially in moments of stress, can damage communication and relationships.
  • The simple method that helps you gain clarity and respond instead of react.
  • How practicing the Second Thought Method will help you have a greater leadership presence, increase the quality of your decisions and ensure you remain relevant in your most important relationships.  

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Slowing It Down to Keep Yourself Resourceful

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you find yourself compulsively moved to action even when you want to rest? You promise yourself you’ll slow down after you get just one more thing knocked out. But then something else needs to be accomplished or fixed – and well aren’t you the best person to do that? 

For many today, the way we are approaching our life and work is dysregulating our performance – and nervous system. What worked for so long is now wreaking havoc on our life and leadership and many don’t know how to pull out of it.

In this episode, I’m looking at the epidemic of hyper-functioning, especially among highly capable, high-achieving individuals. The ones who, when you look at their early training and programming, not surprisingly, were raised to save the day, caretake, and handle the perceived threat as quickly as possible. 

Today, I’m providing the tools to slow down and self-regulate those overstimulated nervous systems to ensure you are making your decisions consciously instead of compulsively. These are the same tools today’s greatest leaders are using to boost resourcefulness, avoid burnout, and enhance happiness and leadership.

Understanding our Nervous System

Our nervous system operates in two primary states: the sympathetic state (also known as the fight-or-flight state) and the parasympathetic state (also known as the rest-and-digest state). 

When we’re in our parasympathetic state (our peaceful, grounded “flow” state), we’re capable of deep focus, creativity, connection, and meaningful action. But when we’re in a sympathetic state (fight or flight), we become led by reactivity and compulsiveness.

The reality is that right now over 74% of people report experiencing some level of stress, which means most of us are navigating life from our fight-or-flight state. In turn, the nervous system becomes dysregulated. The worst part is most don’t know how to pull out of it.

Recognizing Dysregulation: The Story of Jack

Recognizing dysregulation is important because many of us are operating in a constant state of stress without even realizing it. Like, for example, Jack. He is a leader, a high performer, a go-getter, and a true GSDer (Get Sh*t Done kind of guy). For years, Jack operated from pure willpower, grit, and determination. If something was missing, upended, broken, or someone was hurting, he’d step in and fix it. As a result, he became very successful.

But recently, Jack found himself exhausted, irritable, and disconnected. He realized that what used to be his strength no longer works for him and is now the reason why he is unhappy and unsatisfied. He’s been given feedback that he was running over people at work. Impatient with those closest to him. He isn’t able to enjoy what he’s created or relax on vacation because he’s constantly thinking about work and how to forecast the next thing needed to be done. Jack described himself as restless, stuck and unable to break through it. Living and working this way for so long, his nervous system is overstimulated and dysregulated.

The Cost of Overstimulation

Leaders, like Jack in particular, pay a high personal cost for not mastering self-regulation, which can manifest in disempowered teams, missed opportunities, and overall life dissatisfaction. If this chronic stress unknowingly continues, it harms relationships, limits creativity, reduces overall effectiveness, and triggers health issues.

Strategies To Slow Down For More Conscious Rather Than Compulsive Living & Leading

If you feel trapped with things not changing even when you’re working harder, here are practical strategies to slow down and regain your control:

  1. Pause: Instead of moving faster – slow down. You don’t have to solve that problem immediately.  Wait until you are calm and centered before responding.  
  2. Do One Thing: Instead of doing many things – do one.  Complete each task fully before moving on. This focused approach not only reduces stress but also boosts your productivity as it decreases mistakes.   
  3. Recognize Rest Is Productive: Create space in your day for rest. Contrary to ingrained beliefs, embracing rest enhances productivity and creativity.  
  4. Get To the Root: When feeling compelled to continue moving and accomplishing, ask yourself, “what am I feeling that makes me keep doing this even when it doesn’t feel good?” Simply acknowledging the root of the feeling can be a game-changer.

Cultivating Self-Awareness and Reflection

One of the most in-demand skills right now among leaders is self-awareness and self-actualization. That’s because today’s top leaders know there is a different set of skills needed to succeed in today’s environment. Developing these skills ensure you become the leader, visionary and creative you are here to be.   

Embrace the Slower Pace

Your call to action this week is to slow down. The next time you feel stressed or overly reactive, take a breath and exhale deeply. Make the sound ahhhh as you do. The stressed sympathetic nervous system will shift. 

Remind yourself: It is productive to rest.

The more you use these inner game tools and sharpen your self-regulation, the better they become. This is how you empower yourself and others in the best possible way.

In this episode, I share:

  • Why high-achieving men and women are suffering from dysregulation of the nervous system at significantly higher rates   
  • A simple mantra when the stress is high and the pressure to perform at maximum capacity seems never-ending 
  • A few simple tools that will boost your  resourcefulness, avoid burnout, and enhance your happiness and leadership

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

From Disappointment to Power: Mastering the Art of Bouncing Back

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Hi friend! How do you bounce back after people let you down? When a family member, boss, organization, or even institution disappoints you? Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot in my conversations about people letting us down and the ongoing fallout of those disappointments.

In this episode, I’m sharing the four-step process to understand your disappointment and help you manage it so you can have what I call a good bounce-back rate. That is, the time between the disappointment and getting back to your centered and best self. Whether you’ve been recently let down or are preparing for future challenges, these steps will guide you to navigate and recover from disappointments gracefully and protect your well-being so that you don’t suffer or becoming hardened by the initial disappointment.  

After all, the worst thing that can happen after someone else’s disappointing behavior is that we become or play smaller. 

Understanding Disappointment

Disappointment is a natural emotional response when our reality does not align with our expectations. Whether it’s a missed opportunity, a betrayal, or an unforeseen challenge, disappointments commonly catch us off guard. 

For example, a client of mine recently discovered that another executive officer had secretly set up multiple fake businesses on the company ledger. The leader had been stealing several million dollars from the company over the last few years. She was completely blindsided by this revelation. Not only had she been let down but she also felt violated, realizing she had unknowingly facilitated some of his altercations. 

The Four Archetypes of Disappointment Responders

The feeling of disappointment can be unsettling and can really trip us up. However, by understanding and recognizing our default response to disappointment, we can proactively navigate those emotions more effectively before they hijack us.

Here are the four general responses I see when it comes to disappointment:

  1. Retaliator

The Retaliator wants to get even. When someone disappoints or hurts them, they feel compelled to make the other person feel hurt as they have. This approach unfortunately drains valuable energy, keeping the individual stuck in anger and ultimately does more harm than good.

  1. Fixer

The Fixer believes they are the one that can “fix” or change the person who disappointed them. They may invest inordinate time trying to change the other person’s behavior. This is often seen in in relationships where one person hopes that the disappointment is a one-time event and not a reflection of the others values or lack of care or concern for them. Despite this good intention, this often leads to more repeated disappointment and exhaustion.

  1. Self-Protector

In response to being hurt, the Self-protector builds walls to prevent future disappointment. They create rigid rules, withdraw trust, and become hardened. While this may feel like safety for them, it ultimately limits connection and vulnerability.

  1. Self-Actualized Leader

This is the most evolved response. The self-actualized leader acknowledges disappointment, processes his emotions, actively works to manage their emotions, and quickly returns to their centered and best self.

Four Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Disappointment

Now that we understand the disappointment and its common responses, let’s discuss how to move through it effectively and empower yourself after feeling let down.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Disappointment

Pretending something isn’t disappointing won’t make it go away. You have to feel it to heal it. Instead of constantly avoiding, allow yourself to express your feelings. Write about them, talk to someone, or process your feelings in whatever way feels right. The more you acknowledge your emotions, the less power they hold over you.

Step 2: Don’t Make it Mean Something

One of the biggest mistakes we make is assigning meaning to a disappointment that isn’t there in the first place. If someone lets you down, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough, valuable, or worthy. It also doesn’t mean that everyone of a certain group or identity is that way. Remember, people’s actions are shaped by their own experiences, not yours. Avoid making assumptions and resist the urge to take things personally.

Step 3: Reclaim Your Mental Space

Ask yourself this question: “What can I do to stop this from taking up more real estate in my mind?” The disappointment has already taken something from you— don’t let it take more. Reclaim your power by shifting your focus toward what truly matters: your well-being, your priorities, and your future.

Step 4: Start From Where You Are Now

The most powerful phrase I tell myself is: “Start from where I am now.” This simple shift brings you back to the present moment, allowing you to move forward without being weighed down by the past. What’s done is done; you need to accept it, and the best thing you can do is decide how to take charge of your response moving forward.

Bonus: The Power of Letting Go

I do this anytime I’m not at peace when I feel irritated or disappointed by someone. In my mind, I wish the other well. Sending them with love is freeing and cuts the cords of disappointment or irritation. And in return, you also set yourself free because you can’t be angry and give love at the same time.

Cultivating Resilience and Inner Peace

Disappointment will come whether we like it or not, but you have the power to determine how much it impacts you. How fast you bounce back.  Acknowledge it, process it, and choose not to give it more energy than necessary. You are too important and too needed to stay stuck in disappointment.

What matters is your state of mind and how quickly you can bounce back to your center because you are always attracting your current state to you.

In this episode, I share how:

  • Understanding disappointment and its impact helps you manage emotions and control the power you give it.
  • To process your response to disappointment and consciously choose to move forward.
  • To reclaim your power and protect your peace by intentionally shifting your mindset, setting boundaries, and returning to your most grounded self.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Do you think you’re a good listener? Most leaders do, but research shows that we only retain about 25% of what we hear. That means distractions and assumptions get in the way. But what if you could train yourself to become a 5-star active listener and stronger leader?

In this episode, I’m sharing powerful active listening techniques to boost your workplace productivity and strengthen your relationships in all areas of your life. Inspired by my conversation with Mary, a seasoned leader who masters and actively practices what it means to be an outstanding listener. By applying my BAN method, you can transform every interaction into a powerful and impactful conversation.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is more than just hearing words. It’s the ability to listen to what’s being said, understand its message, and make the other person feel valued. Even if you disagree with what the person is saying, your acknowledgment creates a sense of powerful connection. 

Transformative Impact of Active Listening

But why is becoming a better listener important?  As a high-functioning leader you know you can walk and talk at the same time, right?  Not really.

Research has shown that active listening has a profound effect that can change both your relationships and your environment. When someone feels truly seen and heard, the law of reciprocity comes into play. They feel valued and respected, and in turn, they’re more likely to actively listen to you. This mutual exchange sparks better collaboration, reduces conflict, and supports a more productive, supportive, and trusting atmosphere.

Common Barriers to Active Listening

Even with the best intentions in mind, there are sneaky habits that often block our ability to understand. Here are the habitual practices that stop us from becoming better listeners:

  • Multitasking: Dividing attention between the conversation and other tasks like responding to texts, cars, or emails.
  • Pre-emptive Judgments: Forming counter-arguments and assumptions about what will be said next.
  • Interjections: Interrupting with personal anecdotes or finishing someone else’s thoughts.
  • Seeking Validation: Focusing on sounding interesting instead of being engaged and interested in the conversation.

Evaluating Your Listening Skills

Before diving into the techniques that can level up your listening game, let’s first take a moment and honestly assess where you currently stand. After all, you can’t improve what you can’t measure.

Grab a pen or just reflect as you go through the following questions. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being = I don’t do this very often and 10 = being I do it very often:

  • When someone’s talking to me, I think about what I’m going to say next to make sure I get my point across correctly.
  • How often do you feel comfortable with silence and refrain from filling in the pauses in conversations?
  • As I listen, do I compare the other person’s viewpoint with my own?
  • Do I interrupt people when I’m excited by the conversation?
  • Do I help people finish their sentences?
  • If the other person is struggling to explain something, do I jump in with my own suggestions or answer the questions that I just asked them?

If your numbers are 5 or higher, know that you’re completely normal, and there is an opportunity to improve your active listening skills.

BAN Method to Become a 5-Star Active Listener

B – Be Curious

This is one of the most important qualities of leaders. Leading with curiosity and asking better questions to understand the speaker’s perspective. Instead of making another statement, make it a habit to ask 1 to 2 follow-up questions based on what you just heard. 

For example, my husband brought up a topic that at first could have looked like I needed to help him solve a problem. But because I was truly actively listening, instead of solving a logistical problem, I asked him how I could support him. This reduces assumptions and encourages deeper conversation.

A – Apply the 5-Second Rule

When someone finishes speaking, pause for five seconds before responding. One of the things that I recently noticed about my client, Mary, a five-star active listener, was how thoughtful and slow her responses were. She uses the power of pause and silence to create space for the conversation to breathe.

This intentional pause allows the speaker to complete their thoughts and shows that you value their words. It also gives you time to formulate a more thoughtful response. 

Now, I get it—five seconds can feel like an eternity, especially if you’re not used to it. But in this practice, you’re really reminding yourself to naturally slow down your pace, even if it’s not for the entire 5 seconds. 

N – Notice

Notice when you are not actively listening and drop the behavior, whether it’s putting away distractions, maintaining eye contact, or patiently listening without interrupting; these practices affirm that the speaker is valued and understood.

Implement Change

Your action step is to choose one aspect of the BAN method to focus on for a week. Whether it’s being more curious, applying the 5-second rule, or noticing when you are not fully listening, adopt this practice and observe the changes in how others respond to you.

Remember, the world needs more active listeners, and you’re the perfect one to begin it.

In this episode, I share how:

  • Active listening can shape the quality of productivity and relationships by helping others to feel truly heard and understood.
  • Ways to ban poor communication and be a better communicator.
  • Assess and enhance your listening skills to make you a more impactful leader.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Four Simple Steps to Reset Your Goals Based on Your Ultimate Future

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.


Hey there, friends! Can you believe it? Another year has passed, and it’s time to prepare for a fresh start. Congratulations on all you’ve accomplished in 2024! If you’re like most, you’re now ready to hit the reset button and dive into the next year with clarity and inspiration.

In this episode, I’m sharing a simple and intentional approach to resetting your goals that are emotionally connected to your picture of the ultimate future. This method is specifically designed to eliminate the stress and resistance often attached to goal setting while also ensuring you identify goals that inspire and motivate you. Listen here for your simple step-by-step guide to create a future and plan that excites and inspires you.

The Problem with Traditional Goal Setting

Goal-setting often comes with its fair share of stress and resistance. Perhaps you’ve been putting off creating your personal and professional goals. Or maybe you’ve identified yours and wonder if they are good in theory but not so irresistible that you’ll follow through when you start to struggle. 

How do we avoid this common pitfall from traditional goal setting? The key is not use your goals as the place where you declare your destination.  What do I mean? Any good resetting of goals begins by defining your ultimate future. The vision and destination of who you want to be and where you want to go. Your ultimate future acts as your street address and your goals the directions guiding you toward it. When you take this approach, you’ll find that your goals become the roadmap that is motivating, inspiring, and aligned with your true desires.

But before we dive into the tactical ways to come up with your ultimate future vision and your goals to get there, let’s start by fueling your journey with a few mindset shifts.

Mindset Shifts Before Resetting Goal Setting   

Redesign Your Life at Any Time

Your life and goals are always up for redesign. 

Lighten Up

Don’t be so darn hard on yourself. Goals don’t have to be stressful or a source of self-criticism. Make an agreement to stop being  hard on yourself. For many of us that is a work in practice. Instead, embrace creativity and flow, let go of the pressure to be perfect, and replace the inner critic with a reassuring voice that motivates you.

Enjoy This Version of You 

You’re only going to get this version of you once, so why not enjoy. You’re not the same person you were last year. You won’t be the same version at the end. Celebrate this phase of your life and honor the unique opportunities it brings. Think fresh. Think new. You’re never going to get this version of you again. So, enjoy it.

Attract, Don’t Chase

Stop chasing goals with desperation. Be an attractor of your ultimate future vision in the new year. Attract them by operating from a place of gratitude, trust, and belief that your desire already exists and you are simply going to claim it.  

Identify Your Ultimate Future 

Now that you have adjusted your mindset, it is time to create your ultimate future from the 50,000-foot view. Paint a picture of yourself that answers questions like: What kind of person are you in the future? What experiences do you want to have? How do you feel on a daily basis?

Think about your family, your health, your career, and your personal growth. Consider the trips you want to take, the impact you want to have, and the people you want to be surrounded by. See your environment, your relationships, and the energy you bring into each day. This ultimate future should excite you and feel irresistible. I encourage you to have fun designing it, knowing that you can always change it. You can always redesign it.

The Four Steps to Goal-Setting

With your ultimate future in mind, you can now set goals that act as a directional may by following these steps:

Step 1: Know How You Want To Feel

Identify the primary three emotions you want to feel regularly throughout your journey. This could be calm, freedom, joy, peace, or any other state. It’s more important how you feel as you travel than when you do at your destination.  Research has shown that joy is in the anticipation   – not the destination. 

Step 2: List Annual Goals

List 8 to 12 annual goals that contribute to your ultimate future. Ensure these goals align with the emotions and experiences you want to cultivate. Detail them enough to know when you’ve achieved them.  

Step 3: Select Quarterly Goals

To make your annual goals more manageable, break them down into quarterly goals. Choose 1 to 3 goals to focus on each quarter. Remember, you can’t work on all your goals at once. Focus on the most important and achievable goals in the upcoming quarter, and create specific actions for each goal.

Step 4: Define Next Actions

For each of your quarterly goals, identify 5 to 7 actionable steps you can start working on immediately. These specific tasks and actions will move you closer to your desired outcome. 

Cultivating a Positive Relationship with Your Goals

A key to maintaining motivation is to remember your goals are neutral. Don’t make them personal. Don’t make them mean something they don’t. They are not a measure of your worth but tools that guide you toward your ultimate future. Regularly refreshing and realigning with your goals helps sustain this positive dynamic.

Goal setting doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be painful. 

It can be a fun, creative process that points you towards your desired future and enhances your journey there. It’s our mindset around it and how we approach it that makes it so.

As you prepare for the new year, take the time to reflect on and design your ultimate future thoughtfully and with intention. You will know you’ve hit if, if it feels irresistible. 

My team has prepared a downloadable worksheet to help you complete the steps above. Use it to follow along and start crafting your empowered, passion-driven goals today.

In this episode, you’ll learn how to:

  • Create goals that are in flow with this current version of you   
  • Incorporate the necessary mindset shifts to eliminate the resistance, stress, and critical nature associated with traditional goal setting.   
  • View your goals as your shotgun rider, simply helping you navigate as you drive 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Year End Review

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

As we approach the end of 2024, it’s tempting to dive straight into setting new goals for the new year without reflecting on the past. But what if a simple 10-minute practice of leveraging the success and wisdom from the past twelve months can confidently accelerate growth and happiness in 2025?  Would you take the 10-minutes to try it?

In this episode, I’m sharing one of my all-time favorite practices, the Year-End Review. For over a decade, this practice has guided me and countless others toward better decision-making, stronger relationships, and heightened performance. The best part is it’s based on proven success – your own – and it doesn’t require any expensive new strategies. 

Whether you’re an individual looking to grow or a team aiming for improving performance or alignment, this simple exercise is your ticket to extracting the wisdom from your past and using it to fuel a better future.

Why Reflection Is Essential

We often think our next breakthrough lies in the future, but our past holds invaluable clues. By reflecting on what worked, what didn’t, and the lessons we’ve learned, we can gain clarity,  uncover patterns, amplify successes, and course-correct missteps for the year ahead.

This practice of reflecting isn’t about dwelling on the past. It’s about celebrating wins, uncovering the gold in our mistakes, and crafting a success formula for the next year.

Real Results from Reflection

Take my client Jennifer, for instance. In her year-end review at the end of 2023, she noticed that her greatest professional wins stemmed from unexpected, genuine interactions.

You see, Jennifer loves sharing useful resources and recommendations with her clients. Whether that is a podcast on the topic her client mentioned or suggesting the best wine from a restaurant. Jennifer would make a meaningful connection with people. She realized that her simple act of authentically sharing resources with a CEO led her to have a recurring revenue stream worth several hundred dollars for 2 years.

Another is John, who recognized a leadership gap while running a manufacturing company. His newfound awareness prompted him to make pivotal changes, resulting in significant improvements.

Both Jennifer’s and John’s results were born out of reflection, which is a vital but often neglected step in our fast-paced lives.  

Now, let’s explore the year-end review exercise.

Four Steps Year-End Review

Step 1: List Your Wins and Celebrate Successes

I notice week to week in my conversations with people that we are really fast moving beyond our wins or not taking time to celebrate. It can be very unfulfilling to live that kind of life. So, it’s important to acknowledge your wins, celebrate your successes, and give yourself an opportunity to recognize who you have become along the way.

Start by jotting down 10-20 successes or experiences that made you feel good this past year. These can range from major milestones to small yet meaningful moments, personal or professional. From landing a dream client to sharing a memorable trip with loved ones or getting your child into a better-suited school, own your best moments and celebrate unapologetically.

Step 2: Acknowledge Mistakes and Setbacks

Next, list the mistakes, setbacks, and disappointments you encountered in this past year. What are those things that didn’t go your way? Maybe right now you are feeling sick and uncomfortable just thinking about it, but remember that those mistakes are crucial learning opportunities. Consider them a good thing, write them down, and learn from them to create better results next year.

Step 3: Extract Insights and Awareness

For each win and mistake, write down the insights or new awareness you gained. Consider what each experience taught you. An insight could be to assess where you need to leverage your time better or be aware that you were not able to delegate properly. Hence, your project failed. This step clarifies patterns and behaviors that either support or hinder you.

Step 4: Identify Themes and Create Your Success Formula

Finally, review your lists and identify 2 to 3 best themes and learnings from 2024 that you can leverage in the next year. What lessons are most significant? What behaviors led to success, and which ones slow down your progress? For instance, you might find that “When I commit to work with others, things happen” or “When I give myself permission to take a break, I am revived and can do better.” Summarize these to create your key success formula.

Beyond Reflection: Setting Goals and Taking Action

The year-end review is not just about looking back. It’s your success formula for future planning. Use them as your foundation in setting goals in the new year to ensure your goals are aligned with what truly drives your success and fulfillment.

Start Your Year-End Review Today

Begin your year-end review now by downloading the Year-End Review Exercise from the show notes. Spend ten minutes jotting down your initial thoughts, and revisit these questions over the next few days. By embracing this reflective practice, you set the stage for a more intentional, fulfilling, and successful year ahead.

Unlock your potential by leveraging the wisdom of your past. Today’s evolved leaders are using a different approach. You can too. See how this simple practice can transform your life in 2025 and beyond.

Additionally, if you are ready to play full out on your goals in 2025 and you’ve been toying with the idea of adding a coach to your team to support your growth in every area of work and life, I am opening limited slots for my 1:1 coaching to help you navigate the transition, build clarity and confidence, so that you can guarantee you live your ultimate future guided by your design.   Don’t miss out on this opportunity in the year ahead. Send me an email or book a connection call to see if this is right for you.

In this episode, I share how to:

  • Know when to take time to pause and reflect to amplify your growth.
  • Acknowledge your achievements that fuel momentum and fight stress and burnout.
  • Grow from the lesson of each misstep that can shape future success.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

holiday strategy

Ten Ways To Adjust Your Strategy and Rhythm For More Enjoyment This Season

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Many high achievers and busy individuals find themselves running the ultimate “Holiday Race,” trying to fit even more transactions into their already packed schedules. As a result, the end of the year becomes a whirlwind of labor and to-dos that can feel overwhelming and stressful. 

But what if this year, instead of accelerating, we interrupted our normal busyness and slowed things down? What if we used this season to take time off, practice self-awareness, align our days with our values, and focus on what truly matters?

In this episode, I’m sharing my ten proven and tested strategies to help you adjust your holiday rhythm in a way that truly aligns with your values. These approaches aren’t just about getting things done. They’re about ensuring that each moment reflects the essence of what you want this season to mean for you.

Holiday Stress is Real

Many of us get so focused on making everything perfect for others that we lose touch with our own feelings. The pursuit of the holiday rush often sidelines our own needs, and we end up running on what I call “toxic fuel,” also known as stress, fear, and worry to keep up with it all.

But as I talked to more people, I noticed that what many truly crave is the exact opposite of the holiday hustle. They long for a slower pace, a chance to quiet their minds, which are constantly scanning for what more they “should” be doing. They want out of the cycle of accomplishment they’re caught up in. They tell me they want to step off the treadmill of endless tasks without the fear of falling behind when they eventually return.

Here are the ten strategies that will help you create an intentional holiday season from the inside out.

  1. Prioritize Feelings over Tasks

Before you put another thing on your to-do list, ask yourself: What do I want to feel during this season? 

Too often, we jump straight into decorating, shopping, and planning without considering what emotional state we want to cultivate in the first place. What we feel is what we create. So, by intentionally deciding how you want to feel every morning, even outside of the holiday season, you set the tone for your intentional actions. Instead of beginning the day with stress, align yourself with a feeling, be it calm, joy, or gratitude, that you want to guide your day. 

  1. Manage Your Energy

It’s easy to let our patience wear thin during the holiday rush. Recently, I had a test of patience at the airport when an unexpected security check due to a $4.69 bag of cornmeal threatened to make me miss my flight. 

In moments like these, I remind myself to manage my energy, stay calm, and self-regulate rather than allow irritation to take over. Recognize that not everything will go as planned. There will be traffic jams, family misunderstandings, and lines at the store. They are all part of the journey. By managing our energy, we choose not what happens but how we respond for a more peaceful season. 

  1. Avoid “Toxic Fuel”

Toxic fuel is the source of energy that comes from stress, overwhelm, and fear. This type of energy may propel you through tasks, but it’s not sustainable. 

This season, it’s important to become aware of what motivates you. The best way to do that is by asking yourself, “Am I taking this action from a place of inspiration or fear?” When we come from a place of inspiration, our energy is positive and expansive. From fear, however, we contract. Shifting away from toxic fuel towards decisions and actions inspired by passion and purpose will not only make the holiday season more enjoyable. It will also enrich your sense of fulfillment.

  1. Reframe Stress to Excitement

When holiday planning starts to feel overwhelming and stressful, try reframing that feeling. Instead of saying, “I’m stressed about Christmas,” tell yourself, “I’m excited about Christmas!” There’s a very fine line on the physiological spectrum between the two feelings, so it’s important to know where the tension is and move that fear, stress, and overwhelm to excitement if you really are looking for higher performance and happiness this season.

  1. Be Like Your Favorite Pet

Have you ever noticed how pets, whether it’s a cat calmly purring or a dog excitedly wagging its tail, seem to be in the present moment, no matter what’s happening? Pets are experts at being present and adapting quickly to their circumstances. My suggestion is to be like your favorite pet this holiday season. If things go sideways, the gifts don’t arrive, or a plan doesn’t work out, take a deep breath like a cat, refocus, and bring yourself back to the present.

  1. Create Empty Space

During the holiday season, it’s easy to take on too many commitments and become overwhelmed with bookings. Meeting friends and families, driving in holiday rush traffic, and buying last-minute gifts can quickly drain us. So, instead of filling your calendar to the brim, consciously choose to leave some space open. Say “no” to additional commitments and give yourself permission to rest and recharge. This will allow us to be honest about what we can handle and what’s important to us. 

  1. Dream and Ask For What You Want

This is the exact time of year to reflect and connect to ourselves, know what you desire, believe in miracles, and be open to the possibilities. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself what you really want. Be open to receiving.  How do you do this, you ask? Simply say the words “I am open to receiving..” then fill in your order for the day.  

  1. Give Generously

Nothing shifts your focus away from stress like giving. Many people need what you have to give. Whether it’s donating to a homeless shelter or simply being present with someone in need, giving not only helps others but also enriches our own emotional experience. Consider listening actively to those grieving or hurting during this season—it’s often the greatest gift you can ever provide.

  1. Love Yourself Unconditionally

This sounds intense, but hear me out.  Real love means loving ourselves even when we burn the turkey, the house is messy, or we miss a meeting. It involves accepting ourselves even when things don’t go as planned, or we don’t finish what we want to in the day. Loving ourselves through and in spite of imperfections enables us to step into our happiest selves in this season. You might also be surprised at what you find when you let go of the need to control every outcome.

  1. Connect Deeply

Finally, connection, whether with a higher power, ourselves, or others. Remind yourself that the assurance you’re seeking externally is inside of you, and then connect with that. This season, practice connecting deeply and being fully present with yourself and your loved ones.

Embrace these strategies to make this holiday season one of your best. As a special gift, I’ve prepared a bonus tool to help you make this season truly sensational.  Without even having to think, it will help you adjust your rhythm and take the most direct route to the peace and enjoyment you’re seeking. Happy holidays!

In this episode, I share how to…

    • Know how you measure a truly successful and happy holiday season based on your standards 
    • Learn how to cut the transactional approach that too often characterizes the season for too many
    • Avoid unknowingly operating on toxic fuel for your motivation so that you can sustain whatever the holidays present you order to sustain even in the messy moments (which will happen)
    • Download your Bonus Worksheet: “The Intentional Inside Out Holiday Plan For Busy Schedules” 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

inner shakedown

The First 3 Steps To Creating What You Want After An Inner Shakedown

inner shakedown

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Are you at a point where you’re questioning everything about your life right now? Maybe you’re feeling uncertain, like the ground beneath you is shifting, and nothing feels as stable as it once did. It’s that messy, uncomfortable feeling that hits when the things you rely on, routines, relationships, or even your sense of purpose suddenly feel out of place. You thought life was headed in the right direction until it didn’t. 

Stop for a moment and listen to what your inner shakedown is trying to tell you.

Because here’s a liberating truth: that unsettling feeling is a sign, a call for change, an opportunity to step into something greater and redefine your next season.

In this episode, I’m sharing what I call an “inner shakedown” moment I went through last summer, how it shook things up for me and sparked deep reflection. The thing about our life’s unexpected curveballs is that while challenging, they often become powerful catalysts for growth. So, if you’re in the midst of your own inner shakedown, or perhaps you’ve experienced one before. Whatever the case, I hope this sheds light on the purpose these moments serve in our lives and how we can navigate them with greater clarity and grace.

What Is an Inner Shakedown?

So, what is an inner shakedown, and why does it happen? This shakedown felt like an existential crisis triggered by a series of life changes, or what I call “presenting situations.” These events shake our inner foundations and force us to re-evaluate who we are and where we are going. Maybe you’ve had one too. It could be a new job, a layoff, a significant loss, or even something seemingly small. Regardless of the cause, an inner shakedown feels like everything that once worked for you is now falling apart.

For me, the presenting situations were a mix of several changes: another child starting college, temporarily relocating to a new state to support my youngest son, and losing a beloved family member. It was like everything familiar was being stripped away, leaving me questioning so much about my life. But really, it’s been the catalyst to brings all the underlying issues and emotions to the surface. As uncomfortable as they are, these moments are necessary to give us a chance to heal and evolve so we can dive into what we really want now. 

What Happens During a Shakedown?

Inner shakedowns often occur during times of transition or loss. As I’ve come to realize, every change brings with it some form of loss, and with loss comes grief. Whether it’s the grief of the past or anticipatory grief for the future, these feelings invite us to dive deeper into our inner game. They force us to confront our histories, our old coping habits, and the ways we’ve managed life up to this point.

These moments aren’t just emotionally messy and painful. They also bring up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities, making us feel lost and uncertain about what’s to come. But as uncomfortable as they are, they’re also necessary.

How to Navigate an Inner Shakedown

As difficult as inner shakedowns are, they hold immense potential for growth if we can learn to navigate them. Here are key ways to make them a little easier:

Identify “Something Is Off”

The first step in any inner shakedown is to acknowledge that something is off. Denying or avoiding these feelings only intensifies the upheaval. Embrace the discomfort and let your feelings guide you. Our emotions are like a GPS, pointing us toward what needs disassembling so it can be transformed. Rather than resisting your feelings, give yourself permission to experience them fully. 

As Robert Frost’s poem said, “The only way out is through.”

So, think of shakedowns as tunnels. We have to pass through them to emerge on the other side because one thing is for sure: ignoring these signals will only amplify the noise and pain —internally and externally. 

Ask for Help

One of the critical lessons from my experience is the importance of seeking help, whether through prayer, therapy, or seeking support from friends and family. Long gone are the days when I tried to do everything on my own. When we allow others to walk with us through our struggles, we not only heal faster but also grow stronger.

Choose Your Response

We may not be in control of what happens to us, but we are in control of how we respond to it. This is where our true power lies, and that’s the essence of an inner shakedown. In my case, a powerful quote by Viktor Frankl provided clarity: 

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

This concept of choice reminded me that how we respond to our feelings and experiences is ultimately up to us, even when life feels out of control.

Write It Down

Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve found during my inner shakedown moments. Putting thoughts to paper allows you to clarify what’s happening in your head and process your emotions.

As Joan Didion said, “I write to find out what I’m thinking.” Writing allows us to slow down, reflect, and tune into the emotions we might otherwise overlook. It creates a bridge between the chaos in our mind and the clarity we seek, giving us space to acknowledge the feelings and begin the shift toward healing and growth.

Just 10–12 minutes a day writing about your emotions can shift your perspective and lead to meaningful growth and transformation.

Pivotal journal questions to ask yourself during these inner shakedowns:

  1. What is it that I feel? Identify your current emotional state and the thoughts that are leading to these feelings.
  2. What do I want to feel today? Notice the gap between your thoughts and the emotions they’re triggering and ask yourself what you truly want to feel.  Clarity about what you want begins to emerge in this step. 
  3. What do I need to let go of that I think I need?  Identifying and releasing unsupportive attachments or coping habits opens the space to know what you want in this next season. 

By embracing the discomfort of the inner shakedown and using it as a catalyst for change, we can navigate through life’s tunnels, emerging more aligned with our true selves. 

If you’re in the middle of a shakedown, know you’re not alone. These messy, painful, but ultimately transformative moments are part of the human experience. Keep moving through it, and trust that something greater is on the other side.

In this episode, I share:

  • How moments of emotional turbulence or life transitions can serve as our fuel for the work and life that we have not dived into —but that is waiting 
  • The importance of recognizing and accepting uncomfortable emotions as a map for elevating ourselves. 
  • Simple and effective ways to navigate change with less pain and more ease.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Disassembling Old Patterns

Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance

Disassembling Old Patterns

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Have you ever found yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that feels this, or a part of me that behaves like that, and I don’t know why?” Perhaps there are times you react in ways that surprise even you? 

Do you ever attack when you feel threatened?  

Do you immediately fix things when you feel out of control? 

Do you overwork when you feel uncomfortable?

If you do, you are not alone. These are just a few of the coping mechanisms we use to protect us when we feel unsafe or things feel out of control.

The problem is that these protective patterns appear to work for us —  until they don’t. 

Often, it’s not until we find ourselves yelling at coworkers, losing patience with our kids, unable to listen without trying to fix something, micromanaging, being overly reactive or unavailable to those most important to us that we question what is really happening.

The thing is these protective patterns cost us even more as we increase our responsibility and influence.

The good news: we can disassemble and dissolve these destructive behaviors before they hurt our relationships, health, and careers any further. 

In this episode, I dive deep into unmasking these patterns of behaviors that up until now we may have seen as an integral part of our success. I’m sharing more of the common coping mechanisms that many of us use to protect ourselves when we feel unsafe, examine how these mechanisms form, why they persist, and, most importantly, give you a way to begin to address and transform them.

The Nature of Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are behaviors we’ve developed to rid ourselves from uncomfortable feelings such as fear, inadequacy, and unworthiness. These responses often start during stressful times, helping us to endure and self-protect. 

While they may have served us well in the past, these reactions often become unconscious habits as we grow older, turning into our Achilles’ heel. They can become destructive to our progress in our lives, careers, and relationships.

The Hidden Impact of Our Patterns of Behavior

One of the challenges of coping mechanisms is that they are often socially rewarded. White behaviors like overworking, being highly productive, or maintaining strict control over diets or exercise routines are praised, they often are distractions that mask deeper emotional distress.

For instance, I used to run from accomplishment to accomplishment to feel successful, numbing my deeper feelings of inadequacy. By constantly achieving, I believed the control would bring me safety. However, even after achieving what I thought would make me feel secure, inner peace and freedom still eluded me.

The Pursuit of Control

Most of us spend our lifetime trying to control things in order to feel safe. We convince ourselves that by controlling our environment or responses, we can shield ourselves from discomfort and pain. But this pursuit of control is short-sighted. We can never truly control everything or everyone around us, and our attempts to do so often worsen our inner turmoil. 

Action Steps to Disassemble Negative Coping Mechanisms 

Acknowledge and Validate

The first step in transforming these destructive patterns is to acknowledge their existence and validate the part of you that developed them as a means of protection. Recognizing what triggers you allows you to tap into underlying emotions that may have been buried or unrecognized for years. It’s crucial to understand that these emotions are valid, whether they stem from past experiences or current situations. 

When you validate the root cause that has gone unaddressed or unhealed, you can give it the air it needs to let something else in. By doing so, you’re not dismissing your feelings but allowing yourself to fully experience and understand them—a powerful first step toward healing.

Name the Triggers and Emotions

Begin addressing your coping mechanisms by identifying the specific people, places, and situations that trigger these behaviors. Name the feelings around them, whether it’s anger, fear, defensiveness, or something else. By doing so, you start to unravel the fears driving your actions, creating space for healing. 

Seek Support and Move Forward

The journey of self-discovery and transformation is not one you have to walk alone. Seeking help from professionals, trusted friends, or even a higher power can help you process unresolved feelings and dismantle old coping mechanisms. This support system is crucial as you work to rediscover your true self and step into a space of inner peace and freedom.

The next time you notice certain feeling or behavior, learn to:

  1. Acknowledge and Validate: Addressing any coping mechanism is to acknowledge that it exists and validate the part of you that developed it to protect yourself. This validation allows you to start the healing process.
  2. Identify Triggers: Take time to notice the people, places, and situations that trigger your coping mechanisms. Understanding these triggers can help you gain control over your reactions.
  3. Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Whether it’s from a higher power, a trusted friend, or a professional, getting support can make the journey to healing much more manageable.

Coping mechanisms are your mind’s way of protecting us, but they can become destructive if left unchecked. By acknowledging these behaviors, understanding their root causes, and embracing the discomfort that comes with healing, you can begin to dismantle these patterns and move toward the inner peace and freedom you’ve been seeking.

In this episode, I share:

  • A deeper understanding of the unconscious fears and feelings that drive negative behaviors.
  • The first step to understand why we are running and what uncomfortable feelings you aren’t willing to feel
  • Actionable steps to look at what triggers you and what to do instead of reacting to it this week

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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