I’ve been thinking lately about how ingrained our culture is to focus solely on outcomes.

Too often we expect to produce fruits without caring for the roots.

Years ago I recall attending an event where the speaker opened the three-day training talking about the seasons being a metaphor for life. Specifically, I recall him giving a lot of attention to our metaphorical Winter being a time for stillness and rest.

I still remember the visceral reaction I had to this discussion. I was annoyed!

I hadn’t attended the event to hear how I should be still and rest during my proverbial Winter. I was there to learn how I could be in a state of perpetual production.

If there was any season I wanted to learn about it was how to work harder in Summer so I could produce and harvest non-stop in Fall… and Winter… and Spring.

I had just had my third child. He was only three months old at the time. My thoughts based on the models I’d observed were that the only way I could run my business, meet with clients, raise a family and maintain a healthy marriage was to be in a state of perpetual production.

In hindsight, I didn’t want to learn to flow with the seasons. I wanted to know how I could defy them.

I don’t need to tell you what happens when you continue to plant the same crop over and over again without ever giving it a break. The crop suffers as the soil is depleted. Eventually, there is no harvest.

Not long after that event, I recall my body taking on an intense infection. I remember laying on the floor next to my infant son. My body was so fatigued and depleted that it couldn’t produce food for him or anything else for that matter.

I was stunned, but I shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t the first time I’d overextended myself and not appreciated a more balanced rhythm.

Fast forward over twelve years later… I respect the seasons.

I’m completely clear on the fact that we are not meant to be in perpetual production. No matter how much our ego and domesticated self says we can. Even if we believe we’re the exception to the rule.

Looking back, I realize now I’ve made mistakes in how hard I pushed myself and others. I’m certain I unknowingly missed moments with my kids and family along the way as a result.

What I know deep down is that a well-lived life is no longer measured by a stack of achievements but a stack of presence-filled moments.

As my first child departs for college next month, I am respecting the season I’m in and am setting an intention to experience the moments until then with:

• More connection instead of direction
• More calm energy instead of tense energy
• More creativity instead of routine
• More trust and less fear
• More happiness focus than success focus​
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I’ve learned that when we listen and give our brains, bodies, and spirits a break, it not only allows the systems to replenish but also allows our subconscious to work on creating something new.

If you have been pushing for an extended period, I invite you to challenge culture’s approach to always be producing and take time to cultivate — and maybe even restore — those things that are the source of your success and happiness.

Enjoy your season!

All my best,

~Rita

A few years back, I was writing a book. Not your casual “Oh, I’m thinking about writing a book.” No, I was ALL IN.  I’d taken a class.  Immersed myself in the writing process. Hired a writing coach. The whole nine yards.

Then one day, my computer got hacked. And they were malicious. I even got a ransom request.  It doesn’t matter, I thought.  I backed everything up.

But I was wrong.  My book was gone.  

I was hysterical.  

I knew I was on another level when my husband arrived home mid-workday with the closest thing he could get to an FBI agent computer expert.

He said we would pay whatever we needed to recover my book as we sat with them at the dining room table. But despite our best efforts, I never saw my book again.

Now I know what happens to you happens for you. I also know that in the hour you realize that months of your life’s work has gone up in smoke, grief is an entirely NORMAL response.

I recall uncontrollably dumping the news on my mother that day. In an attempt to help me get my bearings, my mother said, “First thing you need to do is cancel all of your clients today.”

I remember my response clearly, “Oh, I am NOT canceling my clients! The only thing that is going to prevent me from a complete downward spiral is not being absorbed in this — in me.”  

I remember something I had heard years earlier. That is, the therapy that comes from helping someone else is one of the most advanced ways to help yourself.  

In other words, the fastest way out of a dark time is to help another. 

So I decided to walk my talk. I pulled myself off the floor.  Joined my mastermind group.  Then went on to work with my clients the rest of the day.

I share this story because I am acutely aware that the pandemic has tripled the rate of depression in US adults in all demographic groups.  From teens to the elderly. Men and women.  Black, Asian and White, many are suffering. 

You likely feel like you’ve lost something (a normal way of life) and aren’t sure if you’ll ever have it back again.

There is no way to avoid dark moments or completely relieve anxiety and depression. But research shows that by turning our attention to helping and making a positive difference in someone else’s life, we make everyone feel better– ourselves included. 

I don’t need to tell you how you can give compassion and kindness every day, but here are a few of my favorite ways to shift anxiety, depression, or a dark moment when it hits. 

• Have compassion for others’ mistakes.  When a friend or loved one makes a mistake, seek to understand why they might have behaved as they did instead of playing judge and juror. I find the best question to ask myself in these moments is, “Has there ever been a time I’ve made a similar mistake?”  My compassion surges once I answer.
• Make a positive difference in someone’s life.  Make a surprise drop-off of Dunkin Donut Holes or coffee, pick up some tulips from the florist —one for you and one for someone else — and leave on someone’s front steps, let somebody merge in front of you in traffic, or hold a door for a stranger. It may not seem like a huge gesture, but the LITTLE things make the most significant difference.
• Use your words. Words have power, and your comments matter.  Be the kind of person who builds others up.  Share a compliment. Catch someone doing something right. Thank them. Remind someone you love them. All of these can be done in person or by sending a hand-written note. I think we too often fall into the trap of thinking people know how much they mean to us, but they can’t read your mind. Speak up, let those around you know what they mean to you.
• Practice the art of listening. Listening shows a person you care that they are seen and that they matter. Call someone and be curious. Ask better questions. Sometimes I get specific. “Tell me something good.”  It moves their attention and my own.

The day I lost my book reminded me that the surest way to move my attention away from focusing on my mistakes, disliking myself, and interpreting myself in the worst possible light is focusing on and helping someone else. 

Be like a light, and turn yourself and others on!  

And remember, everything will be ok!  Even when I thought it wouldn’t, it always has been.  And always will be.

With love,

~Rita

One of the special things I get to see doing the work I do, is the love of fathers. I talk with a lot of men in depth daily.

Initially, what brings us into conversation is to overcome the logistical, internal, and external obstacles in their career, leadership or business. We do this.

But inevitably, our conversations turn to another topic—their children. “I want to ask you one other thing.” “I’m worried about my son.” “Can I get your take on this?” Or sometimes they close their eyes and say, “I really messed up with my kid this week. I need some help.”

As the conversation shifts, something within them shifts too. It’s visible. Suddenly these men who are leading scores of people, running companies and leaping trains in a single bound — they soften. There is no ego in the game. Their hearts widen. Their life’s priority is now on the table.

They light up as they share stories of their kid’s success at the swim meet. How smart she is or how something he said cracked him up.

Other times these fathers worry about their teen’s anxiety, a son who is being bullied, or how their decisions will affect their children in the future.

What they all share in common, regardless of how they express or demonstrate their love, is that they love deeply.

There isn’t a man whose eyes don’t tear up when he ‘sees’ the impact of who he is ‘being’ with his children. When he understands how much his child yearns for his love and validation in these moments, most can’t wait to leave and go express what they haven’t said before.

In addition, the motivation the father previously didn’t have to change things for himself, now has a greater reason ‘why’ and is easier to do when it’s for his child as well.

Recently, a seasoned leader and father could see how hard a time his son was having with a life decision. The father accurately sensed his son was resistant to do what was true for himself, because he thought it would disappoint his father.

The father told his middle-aged son that no matter what choice his son made, he would always love him unconditionally.

The conversation was emotional, life-changing and set his son free.

To use the words of Oprah…this I know for sure…no matter how well fathers speak or demonstrate their love (or not), no matter whether their days reflect their value of family (or not)—they care deeply and are doing the best they can to love their family.

If you are a father, thank you. It is not an easy job but certainly an important one.

And remember there is no way to be a perfect father, but a million ways to be a really good one.

The best of these is to take care of you. Grow you. Be available and choose your own happiness.

The most direct route to improving your child’s life is to improve your own— emotionally, physically and spiritually. Be their model. There is a direct trickle down when you do.

Finally, as you spend your days trying to give much, remember the greatest gift you can ever give your child is free, that is, to tell him or her, “you are unconditionally loved by me.”

Happy Father’s Day!

With love,

~ Rita

You might have noticed at the gym this morning there were less people than a week ago.

I’ll be honest.

It’s tough for me to watch.

It’s tough because I did this more years than I’d like to count…

…identify my resolution or goal for the year, just to make that pretty picture or magic number appear in my head…then within days start eating what I didn’t want, have my great ideas fall to the bottom of my to-do list and my chief initiative take a backseat to what I had to get done for others.

Here’s the secret most still don’t know…

Strategy and will power are only 20% of the solution.

Don’t get me wrong. Your willpower is strong, but it doesn’t hold a candle to your psychology.

No amount of strategy, hustle, willpower or intellect will out-perform your psychology.

It’s not a goal-setting, willpower or time management problem when we don’t follow through on our desires.

It’s a mindset problem which affects how we make decisions.

This is why today I’m committed to leading the kind of personal “deep dives” my clients need to make the best decisions for themselves.

Decisions shape our destiny.

But if we’re making decisions from our fear-based mind, we’re destined to lead unfulfilling days…and lives.

So whether you’re choosing…

Salad or sandwich?

Hour at the gym or staying in bed?

This chief initiative or that?

Accept the job offer or not?

Leave this industry or stay?

Let go of my business or stick with it?

Say “yes” to that trip or not?

…you’ll want to run it through this four-step decision-making process.

Here’s how to make better decisions that are right for you.

1. Trust your GPS. You know the truth by the way it feels. Every one of us has an internal system which holds the key to our wisdom, gut and intuition. Trust it. If your body contracts, your breathing shortens or you use a lot of words to make your decision, the decision is not true for you. Conversely, you know your choice is true for you when your body expands, your shoulders relax instead of tighten and your breath is calm. You hold your best answers. Trust yourself.

2. Look back to the future. You remember the Christmas classic, The Christmas Carol, right? This is where Scrooge has a dream which allows him to see his life in the past, present and future. Try it. Go out 20 years into the future you and imagine looking back. Ask yourself, “Will I regret not saying ‘yes’ to this choice? Will I regret not achieving, experiencing or at least having tried?”

3. Place your fear on trial. First declare your fear, worry or concern around the decision. When we speak our fear, it doesn’t have as much power. Once you acknowledge the opposition, you can challenge it fairly. Most often we build cases to confirm our fear. Instead, make a case for why your fear is unfounded. Ask yourself, “What evidence is there that this fear is un-true or not entirely true?” A woman who was making a big decision to return to a former employer, said her fear was she didn’t know anything about the company she had worked at prior for 22 years. She’d shared with me the assessment and comments her old trusted colleague who was still at the organization had given her. When I asked herself if the fear of not knowing enough about the company was true, she knew it wasn’t. She was able to discern that she was using her fear to keep her from making the move she was called to. There will always be a level of uncertainty and ambiguity in every decision. Be fair. Challenge the fear-based stories you may have made up and unwittingly made into facts. Ask yourself, “Is this true?”

4. Assess the Joy Factor. I believe the purpose of life is joy…and to serve. This may run into opposition to how you currently live — functioning, grinding it out, getting it done. The question to ask in order to make better decisions is, “Does this bring me joy?” If it doesn’t, allow for the 3 minutes of discomfort to say “no,” instead of the 3 hours, 3 months or 3 years of pain that the “yes” may entail. Assessing and making decisions based on whether your choice brings you joy allows you to raise your standards and expand your boundaries. There’s no time to settle for less.

Finally, in any decision I always consider, “Will this help me grow?” I put a lot of value into my personal growth and showing up to the best version of me. I want to make sure when I get to my last day that I gave it my all…that I made a difference. If something supports my personal development, it positively contributes to my decision.

It’s not about what we’re given but what we choose to generate…love, harmony, joy, confidence, and full engagement.

Make sure your decisions are consistent with your heart’s desires in 2017. When you do, I promise your life will flow!

With love and gratitude,
Rita

Four sets of wide-eyes looked at me in surprise. Their mouths were silent.  Their expressions were a combination of “Wow, mom! We did all that this summer?”  and “I can’t believe you saw it!”

We were out to breakfast at a local diner just days before returning to school after summer vacation.

I was recounting from a list the “amazing” experiences we’d had over the previous 86 days of summer.  I’d jotted the moments I’d observed in a small 4″ x 3″ notebook I’d kept close for easy additions.

As I continued sharing my list, I wasn’t sure if the incredulous expressions I saw on my husband and children’s faces were from disbelief that I was present enough to scribe our moments…or because they were stunned by the volume and compound effect of acknowledging our simple pleasures.

Regardless, they were grateful.

*****

For many years, summers flew by me. Late August would come and I’d think, “where did it go?”

This particular summer I was spooked by a mammogram that necessitated me returning for a second screening.  I vowed if I made it through, I would be more fully engaged, calm and playful this summer.  “Please God, give me the chance to prove it.”

I got the chance.  I wanted to follow through on my word. So I created a few simple steps for my knock-it-out-of-the-park summer.

I’m sharing the steps with you here in the STEP-BY-STEP SENSATIONAL SUMMER BLUEPRINT.

Each year I return to it. It’s a short, easy and fun process, but don’t misinterpret that for insignificant or not powerful.

Dozens of fully engaged, joyful and fulfilling summers have resulted from using the exact steps I lay out here.

*****

We didn’t do anything extraordinary that summer.  No trip to the Grand Canyon or rock-climbing at Kilimanjaro. In fact, the furthest we traveled was to Wisconsin.  The best food…s’mores.  The best moments…watching a movie at a drive-in theater and being together drinking root beer floats lakeside in the heat of July.

No, there was nothing out of the ordinary that summer, but a lot of ordinary things joyfully experienced that made it great.

Wouldn’t it be fun to have your own magical summer? The one you’ve always dreamed about.  Start here…PRINT the STEP-BY-STEP SENSATIONAL SUMMER BLUEPRINT.

Do it alone or with the kids. It’s never too early to introduce the power of intention setting, self-reflection, and gratitude as a way of living.

Be sure to add your own colorful splash.  Cheers to your best summer yet!

~Rita

xo

P.S.  I’d love to hear about the moments you create. You can write me here at [email protected]. If you’d like to find me in the Facebook world, you can do so right here.  And you can find me here on Instagram.