Tag Archive for: relationships

From Disappointment to Power: Mastering the Art of Bouncing Back

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Hi friend! How do you bounce back after people let you down? When a family member, boss, organization, or even institution disappoints you? Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot in my conversations about people letting us down and the ongoing fallout of those disappointments.

In this episode, I’m sharing the four-step process to understand your disappointment and help you manage it so you can have what I call a good bounce-back rate. That is, the time between the disappointment and getting back to your centered and best self. Whether you’ve been recently let down or are preparing for future challenges, these steps will guide you to navigate and recover from disappointments gracefully and protect your well-being so that you don’t suffer or becoming hardened by the initial disappointment.  

After all, the worst thing that can happen after someone else’s disappointing behavior is that we become or play smaller. 

Understanding Disappointment

Disappointment is a natural emotional response when our reality does not align with our expectations. Whether it’s a missed opportunity, a betrayal, or an unforeseen challenge, disappointments commonly catch us off guard. 

For example, a client of mine recently discovered that another executive officer had secretly set up multiple fake businesses on the company ledger. The leader had been stealing several million dollars from the company over the last few years. She was completely blindsided by this revelation. Not only had she been let down but she also felt violated, realizing she had unknowingly facilitated some of his altercations. 

The Four Archetypes of Disappointment Responders

The feeling of disappointment can be unsettling and can really trip us up. However, by understanding and recognizing our default response to disappointment, we can proactively navigate those emotions more effectively before they hijack us.

Here are the four general responses I see when it comes to disappointment:

  1. Retaliator

The Retaliator wants to get even. When someone disappoints or hurts them, they feel compelled to make the other person feel hurt as they have. This approach unfortunately drains valuable energy, keeping the individual stuck in anger and ultimately does more harm than good.

  1. Fixer

The Fixer believes they are the one that can “fix” or change the person who disappointed them. They may invest inordinate time trying to change the other person’s behavior. This is often seen in in relationships where one person hopes that the disappointment is a one-time event and not a reflection of the others values or lack of care or concern for them. Despite this good intention, this often leads to more repeated disappointment and exhaustion.

  1. Self-Protector

In response to being hurt, the Self-protector builds walls to prevent future disappointment. They create rigid rules, withdraw trust, and become hardened. While this may feel like safety for them, it ultimately limits connection and vulnerability.

  1. Self-Actualized Leader

This is the most evolved response. The self-actualized leader acknowledges disappointment, processes his emotions, actively works to manage their emotions, and quickly returns to their centered and best self.

Four Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Disappointment

Now that we understand the disappointment and its common responses, let’s discuss how to move through it effectively and empower yourself after feeling let down.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Disappointment

Pretending something isn’t disappointing won’t make it go away. You have to feel it to heal it. Instead of constantly avoiding, allow yourself to express your feelings. Write about them, talk to someone, or process your feelings in whatever way feels right. The more you acknowledge your emotions, the less power they hold over you.

Step 2: Don’t Make it Mean Something

One of the biggest mistakes we make is assigning meaning to a disappointment that isn’t there in the first place. If someone lets you down, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough, valuable, or worthy. It also doesn’t mean that everyone of a certain group or identity is that way. Remember, people’s actions are shaped by their own experiences, not yours. Avoid making assumptions and resist the urge to take things personally.

Step 3: Reclaim Your Mental Space

Ask yourself this question: “What can I do to stop this from taking up more real estate in my mind?” The disappointment has already taken something from you— don’t let it take more. Reclaim your power by shifting your focus toward what truly matters: your well-being, your priorities, and your future.

Step 4: Start From Where You Are Now

The most powerful phrase I tell myself is: “Start from where I am now.” This simple shift brings you back to the present moment, allowing you to move forward without being weighed down by the past. What’s done is done; you need to accept it, and the best thing you can do is decide how to take charge of your response moving forward.

Bonus: The Power of Letting Go

I do this anytime I’m not at peace when I feel irritated or disappointed by someone. In my mind, I wish the other well. Sending them with love is freeing and cuts the cords of disappointment or irritation. And in return, you also set yourself free because you can’t be angry and give love at the same time.

Cultivating Resilience and Inner Peace

Disappointment will come whether we like it or not, but you have the power to determine how much it impacts you. How fast you bounce back.  Acknowledge it, process it, and choose not to give it more energy than necessary. You are too important and too needed to stay stuck in disappointment.

What matters is your state of mind and how quickly you can bounce back to your center because you are always attracting your current state to you.

In this episode, I share how:

  • Understanding disappointment and its impact helps you manage emotions and control the power you give it.
  • To process your response to disappointment and consciously choose to move forward.
  • To reclaim your power and protect your peace by intentionally shifting your mindset, setting boundaries, and returning to your most grounded self.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Do you think you’re a good listener? Most leaders do, but research shows that we only retain about 25% of what we hear. That means distractions and assumptions get in the way. But what if you could train yourself to become a 5-star active listener and stronger leader?

In this episode, I’m sharing powerful active listening techniques to boost your workplace productivity and strengthen your relationships in all areas of your life. Inspired by my conversation with Mary, a seasoned leader who masters and actively practices what it means to be an outstanding listener. By applying my BAN method, you can transform every interaction into a powerful and impactful conversation.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is more than just hearing words. It’s the ability to listen to what’s being said, understand its message, and make the other person feel valued. Even if you disagree with what the person is saying, your acknowledgment creates a sense of powerful connection. 

Transformative Impact of Active Listening

But why is becoming a better listener important?  As a high-functioning leader you know you can walk and talk at the same time, right?  Not really.

Research has shown that active listening has a profound effect that can change both your relationships and your environment. When someone feels truly seen and heard, the law of reciprocity comes into play. They feel valued and respected, and in turn, they’re more likely to actively listen to you. This mutual exchange sparks better collaboration, reduces conflict, and supports a more productive, supportive, and trusting atmosphere.

Common Barriers to Active Listening

Even with the best intentions in mind, there are sneaky habits that often block our ability to understand. Here are the habitual practices that stop us from becoming better listeners:

  • Multitasking: Dividing attention between the conversation and other tasks like responding to texts, cars, or emails.
  • Pre-emptive Judgments: Forming counter-arguments and assumptions about what will be said next.
  • Interjections: Interrupting with personal anecdotes or finishing someone else’s thoughts.
  • Seeking Validation: Focusing on sounding interesting instead of being engaged and interested in the conversation.

Evaluating Your Listening Skills

Before diving into the techniques that can level up your listening game, let’s first take a moment and honestly assess where you currently stand. After all, you can’t improve what you can’t measure.

Grab a pen or just reflect as you go through the following questions. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being = I don’t do this very often and 10 = being I do it very often:

  • When someone’s talking to me, I think about what I’m going to say next to make sure I get my point across correctly.
  • How often do you feel comfortable with silence and refrain from filling in the pauses in conversations?
  • As I listen, do I compare the other person’s viewpoint with my own?
  • Do I interrupt people when I’m excited by the conversation?
  • Do I help people finish their sentences?
  • If the other person is struggling to explain something, do I jump in with my own suggestions or answer the questions that I just asked them?

If your numbers are 5 or higher, know that you’re completely normal, and there is an opportunity to improve your active listening skills.

BAN Method to Become a 5-Star Active Listener

B – Be Curious

This is one of the most important qualities of leaders. Leading with curiosity and asking better questions to understand the speaker’s perspective. Instead of making another statement, make it a habit to ask 1 to 2 follow-up questions based on what you just heard. 

For example, my husband brought up a topic that at first could have looked like I needed to help him solve a problem. But because I was truly actively listening, instead of solving a logistical problem, I asked him how I could support him. This reduces assumptions and encourages deeper conversation.

A – Apply the 5-Second Rule

When someone finishes speaking, pause for five seconds before responding. One of the things that I recently noticed about my client, Mary, a five-star active listener, was how thoughtful and slow her responses were. She uses the power of pause and silence to create space for the conversation to breathe.

This intentional pause allows the speaker to complete their thoughts and shows that you value their words. It also gives you time to formulate a more thoughtful response. 

Now, I get it—five seconds can feel like an eternity, especially if you’re not used to it. But in this practice, you’re really reminding yourself to naturally slow down your pace, even if it’s not for the entire 5 seconds. 

N – Notice

Notice when you are not actively listening and drop the behavior, whether it’s putting away distractions, maintaining eye contact, or patiently listening without interrupting; these practices affirm that the speaker is valued and understood.

Implement Change

Your action step is to choose one aspect of the BAN method to focus on for a week. Whether it’s being more curious, applying the 5-second rule, or noticing when you are not fully listening, adopt this practice and observe the changes in how others respond to you.

Remember, the world needs more active listeners, and you’re the perfect one to begin it.

In this episode, I share how:

  • Active listening can shape the quality of productivity and relationships by helping others to feel truly heard and understood.
  • Ways to ban poor communication and be a better communicator.
  • Assess and enhance your listening skills to make you a more impactful leader.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

meaningful connection

The Care and Nurturing of Meaningful Connection

meaningful connection

 

As I headed into my hometown to be with my family for Thanksgiving, I saw a sign at the local cleaners that read, ”Until further notice…celebrate everything.” Amen, I thought. This year, has reminded me how temporary this life is.

While I drove I thought about the 41 individuals ranging in age from two to 82 who would gather around the table. There hasn’t been a year I’ve missed returning to be with them at Thanksgiving. To me it is home.

Just like any family we are a funny crew. We can’t possibly all believe, choose and do the same things. We all have different histories and stories and therefore different perspectives. We are in different seasons of our life. We have grown, experienced setbacks, missteps, pain and loss at different points and in different measures.

But despite these differences, we’re more alike than we are different. At least that’s where I put my attention. Others must too. There’s something that has so many of us returning as our families have grown.

What I’ve learned about family — and relationships in general — is that relationships run on rededication and recommitment. They don’t run well on autopilot. They require investment.

As I’ve moved between two homes and two states these last months, I’ve realized even more the importance of the care and nurturing of our relationships. That we must tend to them continually with love, kindness, and support. Like all living things, they will wither without proper feeding.

This year at Thanksgiving I knew we would all be feeling the heaviness of the loss of our beloved Uncle Ted around the Thanksgiving table. He always created a welcoming, compassionate, judgement-free zone. He seemed to know most people in life are just looking for a safe place to be themselves.

The truth is when we provide a safe place for others to be themselves and allow them to give that to us as well, we experience the true connection we all seek.

I’ve learned that our stories and the events in our lives may take twists and turns that pull our relationships in different directions, but we always have the opportunity to rededicate and recommit to them.

I am more aware than ever that one day these Thanksgiving celebrations will take another form. In the meantime — and until further notice — I will keep celebrating. I encourage you to do the same.

May this season be a time when we refresh the love and kindness we bring to each relationship, knowing that connection not only sustains us but provides us warmth on our coldest days.

Wishing you a season full of meaningful connections. I am grateful for YOU and our connection!

Warmly,

~Rita

relationship-will-last

The #1 Sign Your Relationship Will Last

relationship-will-last

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn the 1 simple thing that will show if your relationship will last, what you need to do to improve the health and longevity of your relationship, and how to apply this same principle to ANY relationship you may be struggling with.

None of us have taken a class in life that tells us how to have healthy relationships, but most of us don’t need much convincing that happy relationships are key to a successful life. Despite the importance of relationships to our overall well-being, happiness, and success, often we navigate through relationships on our own and learn as we go through a lot of trial and error. We don’t really know how to tell if a relationship will last or how to make sure a relationship lasts longer.

Today, I want to clear that up for you by sharing the science found by two marriage and relationship experts that will help you understand what it really takes to make sure your relationship will last. The best part is this principle can also be applied to your relationships with coworkers, family members, and with anyone else you may connect with in life. 

Lately, several people have described the struggles they are experiencing in their relationships.

For some, the connection in their marriage has waned. For others, they aren’t clicking with a fellow coworker. These experiences got me thinking of something extremely interesting that I learned years ago.

There are two psychologists – John and Julie Gottman – who, within 15 minutes of meeting a married couple, can predict if the couple will stay married or they will divorce… and with 94% accuracy. When I heard this, I thought it was crazy! I had to learn how they could figure this out.

John and Julie Gottman have determined that the outcome of a couple’s relationship comes down to one simple factor: the balance of their positive and negative interactions. They call this principle The Magic Ratio (or P&R, the Positive-Negative Ratio). 

In The Magic Ratio, couples with a Positive-to-Negative ratio of 5:1 are likely to have a relationship that will last.

This means they have 5 positive interactions with one another for every negative interaction. This counters our common belief that we only need to have a 1:1 ratio when a positive interaction happens to resolve any negative one. Unfortunately, that’s just not how science works.

Let’s put this in perspective. Say you’re having a bad day and you take it out on your spouse throughout the day: once at breakfast, once in mid-afternoon, and once around dinner. According to The Magic Ratio, you have to have 15 positive interactions to actually make up for those 3 negative interactions. Can you see the multiplying impact of having a bad week? 

If this science is true for romantic relationships, it can also be applied to other relationships in our lives. The Gottman’s applied The Magic Ratio to predict marital success and there is more academic research conducted by Heapy and Losada that found that the average ratio for high-performing teams was 5.6:1, 2:1 for medium-performance teams, and -3:1 for low-performance teams. 

The Magic Ratio is such an easy way to gauge how your relationships are going and if you want stronger relationships, you know that your number of positive interactions needs to increase. 

This week, I challenge you to take notice.

Choose one relationship in your life and look at your Positive-to-Negative Ratio with that person. Notice how many positive and negative interactions you have with them within a week. Then, be intentional about increasing your positive interactions. All it takes is a little intentionality. 

I want to invite you to tune into this week’s podcast episode as I take this topic even deeper to discuss the impact that negativity has on our interactions and the important role we each play in bringing a bit more positivity to this world. 

In this episode I share:

  • The #1 predictor of your relationship lasting or ending
  • Examples of how to use this principle in different types of relationships
  • What I believe to be each of our responsibility to the collective frequency

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

a simple practice to elevate your personal brand playing full out rita hyland podcast

A Simple Practice to Elevate Your Personal Brand

a simple practice to elevate your personal brand playing full out with rita hyland podcast

Listen to the full podcast episode to understand the important role self-awareness plays in your personal brand and learn my simple 3-step practice that will help elevate your personal brand experience.

We are all familiar with companies and their different brands. Brands instantly connect us to certain feelings and expectations. Take Tesla for example: this brand is all about cutting-edge innovation. The Disney brand is a joy and delight. When you think of Disney, you know what experience you will have.

Just like well-known companies, do you realize that you as an individual have a personal brand experience, too?

I didn’t think I’d be sharing this, but I want to tell you about my experience with a recent purchase from a new brand. I ordered a purse from an online company. When it arrived, I opened the box and there was a message reading: Your experience begins.

There were many layers to the opening experience. The purse was wrapped as a gift to me with a personalized letter in a handwritten script, there was a lot of beautiful tissue paper, and it was all inside a gorgeous, luxurious, and royal navy blue box. The company also included a surprise gift — a credit card case. Inside, they’d placed a high-quality business card from them with a lifetime guarantee and an address to use if the purse ever needed to be fixed. 

The company had strategically placed two of these cards in different places which signified to me how much they cared about my delight with my experience of their product. I’m exposed to many different brands, but this one really got me thinking about brand experiences.

Let me explain how you have a personal brand experience, as well.

When coaching leaders at companies, I often interview the individuals who work with an individual within the company and I ask them this question: When you think of this person, what one thing comes to mind that describes your experience of them? What I find amazing is there’s always repetition in the answers that I collect. I may interview 6-8 different individuals and there’s always a theme. 

In essence, the interview process hones in on the individual’s personal brand.  It ultimately answers the question: Who are they to others? Notice I didn’t ask how their work, product, or services are. Although the product we create or the service we perform is important, what’s just as important is who we are being in the delivery.  What is another’s experience of us? Why?  Because you yourself are an experience. 

When you understand this, the next natural question to ask yourself is, “What experience do people have with me? What do I bring beyond what I’m doing or providing?”

I can’t tell you how many people don’t know or have ever even considered this before. 

One of the traits of a conscious leader is that they realize it’s not just what they accomplish or achieve, but who they are being while they do it.

In other words, how do people feel in your presence?

Does your personal brand delight others?

Fuel others?

Elevate others?

Or, does it drain them? 

We all know someone in our lives who after interacting with them, you feel more exhausted or drained than elevated. The worst part is the individual usually has no idea of what they’re known for.  

Each of us has a responsibility to be awake, to be conscious and this begins with becoming more self-aware each and every day.

I believe the answer to all of our problems from a national level to a personal level is this: our ability to be self-aware and awake. 

If you haven’t given thought to your personal brand, I have a practice that you can use to hone in on the experience you bring to all of your interactions so that you can elevate your personal brand. 

The first step is to ask yourself: Who am I being while I do what I’m doing?

In your daily interactions, are you simply focused on getting it done, or are you deliberate about the experience you bring as well? To do this, simply look back at the interactions you’ve had within the last 24 hours. What do you think those on the receiving end felt when they were with you? Is that an experience you want to be associated with you?

Since it can be difficult to see ourselves accurately, I also recommend a more straightforward approach. Ask a friend or a trusted coworker this: If you had to describe who I am known for being, what comes to mind? If you had to describe what your regular experience is with me, what is that? 

The second step is to identify the personal brand you actually want to promote. 

How do you want people to experience you? Maybe you want to be the go-to expert, the person who sweeps people off their feet, or the one who gets things done. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, but you do need to know how you want because you can’t hit a target you can’t see. 

This step is where you identify who you are, what you’re bringing to the table, and the experience you want others to have with you.

The third step is to make a list of the 5-7 things that will help you bring forth that experience for others consistently and elevate your personal brand.

An important aspect of elevating your desired personal brand experience is to be intentional. To do that, you have to know the things that will deliver that experience on a day-to-day basis. 

How will you surprise and delight others’ experiences with you? There are so many ways to surprise and delight in your workplace and your community. This step calls you to get specific on what those will be. 

Just like the company that sent me the purse. They defined the 5-7 things that they do to surprise and delight their customers and they did them. That’s what I’m asking you to do. 

Some of those things may look like this:

  • streamlining a process
  • making something easier because you saw the opportunity
  • sharing a compliment publicly at a team meeting
  • grabbing a coffee for someone who has been sitting at their desk fighting a tight deadline
  • doing something that needs to be done even when you haven’t been asked 

All-in-all, your personal brand is a pulse check on who you are being and how people experience you.

This matters because it either elevates others — your co-workers, clients, or family members – in the organization, in the community, or in your family — or it diminishes them. There is no neutral. You either contaminate or contribute. The last thing you want is to be unaware of who you are as an experience to others. 

Our #1 responsibility in this lifetime is to wake up and elevate the consciousness of the world. That may seem lofty but it can be done every day in each of your interactions by bringing a little surprise and delight. 

You are more than what you do or the products or services you provide. Who you’re being matters!

In this episode I share:

  • 3 actionable steps to improve self-awareness and elevate your personal brand
  • Self-reflective prompts to analyze others’ experiences of you
  • My personal experience of surprise and delight while shopping with a new brand
  • Several ways to add surprise and delight to your personal brand experience

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Improve Your Connections By Employing the Art and Neuroscience Of Engagement

Improve Your Connections By Employing the Art and Neuroscience Of Engagement

Improve your connections by employing the art and neuroscience of engagement rita hyland playing full out

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn what is needed before every interaction to be successful, what the savviest managers and most effective leaders do, and my simple 4-step S.A.F.E. method that will drastically increase the quality of your engagements and allow others to not only feel safe but truly empowered by you.

Recently, I was training a group of managers in the coaching leadership style, discussing how to have an effective coaching conversation with team members. This particular company understands that the best version of a business comes only when employees are becoming better versions of themselves.  The company is creating a culture that reflects that. 

At one point in the training, I noticed one of the managers had a smile on his face. I asked him what was so funny? “Well, it’s not that it’s funny,” he said, “but I can’t imagine some of my team wanting to have this conversation with me.”

He was right. It occurred to me that much more was actually needed to be said about the art and science of engagement. After all, if the employee views talking to their manager as risky instead of rewarding (as he was suggesting), then the team member is not going to engage with him. The communication is shut down and he becomes ineffective no matter how talented he is.

And this applies to all of us in ANY interaction. 

We want to contribute, to serve, to help, to support, and to influence in business, at home, or in our community, but we can’t do this if we are perceived as more risky than rewarding to engage. We can really want these outcomes, but if the individuals on the other end of our engagements do not feel safe with us, we won’t be able to share our talents, gifts or services with them.

So, how do you get others to engage with us while feeling safe?

One of the most important aspects of getting individuals to talk to you is understanding neuroscience to establish yourself as someone rewarding and safe to engage with. 

Here’s a quick peek into how the brain works:

5 times a second, the unconscious mind scans the environment and asks, “Is it safe here?”

If the answer is no, then our mental operation is taken over by the amygdala – the least developed part of our brain whose primary focus is on survival. If it determines that the environment is unsafe, it focuses solely on what it needs to do to survive: fight, freeze (remain quiet), or leave the interaction completely.

Now, when the brain does feel safe, it operates from the prefrontal cortex, at its highest level. It’s capable of navigating nuance, managing ambiguity, and assuming positive intention. 

With that quick dive into how the brain works, we can see that how we manage people matters. How we let them know they are safe is absolutely critical.. In order to do so effectively, I’m going to share with you my simple 4-step process called S.A.F.E. that’s going to help you communicate so others feel safe and empowered in their engagements with you. 

S.A.F.E.

When the brain feels safe, it can operate at its most sophisticated level. When we feel safe, we are engaged and are capable of progressing forward. If we are unsure of a situation, our subconscious minds will default to reading it as unsafe. Think of it as a barking Chihuahua. If you walk into its home, it has now perceived – something bigger and unknown – as a threat. It does not feel safe and therefore begins to bark incessantly. This is equivalent to the mind that chatters and ruminates. Before you can go any further, you have to make the barking dog feel safe. 

In the first step of the process, we address Status.

The brain asks: What is my status in this? Is there a ranking in this interaction? Am I valued in this engagement? Are we equally important?

If the subconscious brain sees itself as lower, it barks incessantly like the chihuahua. Your job in this step is to not set the dog off by threatening its status. 

For example, if you’re providing feedback as a manager to a direct report, it’s important to let the individual know this is an interactive process where you’ll be providing feedback and that you see them as equally important to you. Where the brain may be concerned with a difference in status, you want to assure it that although we may have different rankings in the world, you and I are bringing equal value. 

In the second step, we address Autonomy.

The brain asks: Do I have a choice? 

Not having a choice makes individuals feel walled in. We want those engaging with us to feel that they have choices. We can do this by asking them for ideas or suggestions. As I begin a coaching engagement, I say to the other individual, “I’m going to ask you questions and you get to choose whether you want to take my observations or reflections back or to drop them.” I don’t make the person feel like a prisoner. It’s like a pair of shoes: if they don’t fit, you wouldn’t buy them.

In the third step, we address Friend or Foe.

The brain asks: Are you on my side? Are you with me or against me?

An easy way to do this as a manager is to remind the person that you are on the same team. You can say things like, “We’re on the same team here… What I want for you is…” and then fill in the blank. Use “we” and “us” language instead of “you” language. That way, you ensure people know you are a friend that is on the same team as them. 

When I first engage with new clients, I let them know that once I agree to work with them, I become their number one fan. This act calms the subconscious mind. 

In the fourth step, we address Expectation.

The brain asks: What’s the future?

Remember that the future is uncertain and the brain sees uncertainty as exceedingly dangerous. If the brain doesn’t know what to expect in an engagement, it’s going to resist. It might fight back. So, be aware in the initial moments of an engagement to clarify what is going to happen. This helps individuals know what to expect, even if it’s just for the next 15 minutes. In doing so, you provide clarity which calms the brain and keeps it from ruminating and interpreting that  danger is lurking. 

When beginning an engagement, you can say:

“Today, we’re going to…” 

“I’m going to ask you this…” 

“At the end, we’re going to come full circle and this is what we’re going to make sure we covered…”

Doing so paints a picture that lets others know what to expect by telling them what the future is going to look like. 

When you follow this 4-step acronym, you set the foundation for and begin a very healthy and rewarding interaction regardless who it is you are engaging with. While the 4 parts are the same no matter with whom you’re interacting, the order of the steps can be adjusted to flow with your conversation.  

This week, I challenge you to make someone feel safe in your next engagement with them. Ensure that they feel valued and equal to you, that they have the autonomy to make certain choices, that you are there for them, and clearly paint a picture of what they can expect in this engagement. Then, sit back and enjoy the connection.

In this episode I share:

  • The key thing needed before expecting any successful engaged conversation
  • My simple 4-step process (S.A.F.E) to drastically transform and elevate your engagements both in the office and at home
  • Specific examples of what you can say to establish instant connection in any interaction

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How to Overcome an Upper Limit Problem Playing Full Out with Rita Hyland

How to Overcome an Upper Limit Problem

how to overcome an upper limit problem playing full out rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to spot your upper limit problem, recognize the self-sabotage when it happens, and get comfortable being uncomfortable so you can move closer to the career and life you say you want.

Recently I was talking to a man who has been working toward a dream of his for years.  Everything was going his way: he landed a job that is one of the most desirable jobs in his field; his family was excited for the change; he was doubling his salary; getting to leave a toxic environment; his house sold effortlessly; and he was getting time off. The stars were aligned.

Then before he was set to make the move — he fell and broke his leg — in the shower. Nothing caused it, but it happened. 

THAT is the power of the subconscious mind.  Without knowing it, he had placed a ceiling on how good things could get in his life. 

And we all do this all of the time without realizing it. 

This is the upper limit problem at play. 

This “upper limit” is a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book, The Big Leap. In each area of our lives, there is a perceived cap we have placed on how much career success, wealth, happiness, love, and more that we will allow ourselves to have. Once things begin to exceed that limit, our subconscious minds begin to self-sabotage in order to bring us back to a place of familiarity – our comfort zones. 

If you’ve ever wondered why you aren’t moving forward no matter how much work you seem to put in or you advance one month only to fall back the next, it’s not your fault.  

We humans are evolutionary honed to resist our own progress —even when it improves our lives. 

Today I will teach you how to get your brain on board and accept all the greatness in your career and life that you want but may unknowingly be resisting.

Again, there’s no need to blame or shame yourself for this. There’s a part of our brains that has been conditioned for over 2 million years to rebuke change and uncertainty.

Back when we were hunter-gatherers, uncertainty meant death, therefore that part of our brains can sabotage us anytime we seek to grow as a way to protect us from the unknown.

Once you understand this concept, however, and how to overcome it, you will notice how areas where you may feel stuck or plateaued seem to shift without you even working on them directly. 

So, how do you identify your upper limit problem?

Begin by taking a look at your life as it is now. Does your bank account balance seem to never go past a certain amount? Does the amount of time you have for yourself seem to never be enough? Are your relationships never quite as harmonious as you want them to be? 

You know you have an upper limit problem when what you want remains elusive or when you get it, you can’t maintain it.

Once you know how to identify your upper limit, utilize these 5 steps to increase your inner threshold to allow for more of the things you say you want in life:

    1. Recognize & diagnose your upper limit problem. You’ll notice it when something you want always remains at arm’s distance or when you get it you can’t maintain it. For example, you work to lose five pounds and then a month or two later, you gain it back. Many people who lose lots of weight report feeling uncomfortable with their new level of success. It’s because there’s a change from what we’re familiar with. So, the unconscious brain will rebel against what’s new unless conditioned for the higher level. That’s where the next step comes in.
    2. Acknowledge what is already great and rich in your life. Say thank you for the money you do have in your bank account, tell your friends you are grateful for them. Expressing gratitude for what you do have in your life will help you become comfortable with receiving more of it into your life.
    3. Visualize what you desire with feeling as if it’s already occurred. In other words, prepare yourself mentally and emotionally to accept the wins you want. If you are someone who is constantly moving but want to experience days of calm, familiarize yourself with what calmer days would look like. 
    4. Talk directly to your subconscious. Here’s an example: “I openly receive and accept the extraordinary relationship with my spouse, my own health, continuous peace and ease.” Whatever it is, talk to your subconscious letting it know that it’s safe and okay to accept what you desire so that you can experience higher levels of your potential without bumping up against a “false ceiling.” 
    5. Lean into the unfamiliar that comes with change. This task requires some commitment, so I’m making it your challenge for this week.

This week, focus on raising your current upper limit by 5% in one area of your life. Instead of stressing out your subconscious when it’s saying, “Hell no!” take that invisible ceiling that keeps you stagnant in an area you want to thrive more in. Maybe you allow for 5% more self-care, 5% more ease in your day, or 5% more harmony in your relationships. Consider what that additional 5% would look like in your chosen area. 5% change is an amount your subconscious can handle. 

So, what is your one area you’re going to focus on this week?

In this episode I share:

  • Recognizing your Upper Limit problem
  • Using four steps to get your brain on board to allow your next level of happiness and success  
  • Ending self-blame and re-circuiting your mind to receive more instead
  • Communicating with your brain in the way it understands
  • Overcoming a progress plateau in any category of work or life

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Resolving conflict like a pro Playing Full Out Rita Hyland

Resolving Conflict Like a Pro

resolving conflict like a pro playing full out rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn 3 simple steps to show you how to use anger as a powerful tool and produce transformative, desired outcomes during conflict resolution. 

It happens to us all: someone treats us unfairly, our opinion is disregarded, we feel our contributions at work or home are undervalued. Slowly, and sometimes instantly, we become ANGRY. “How dare they!” we think to ourselves. Does this sound like a familiar, maybe even recurring experience for you? If so, I want to show you what you can do when you feel yourself getting angry at someone, how to use anger as a powerful tool, and what to do to transform that anger into positivity, productivity and peace.

A problem we all face in the world today is the presence of tons of reasons to feel triggered and angry.

We can find them in our news, politics, workplaces, communities, and maybe even in our families. Then, when we’re faced with so much anger, we inadvertently become angry, too. But, if all of us are in a triggered state feeling angry, how can we do the work that we need for conflict resolution?

One thing you might not know  I do in my work is conflict resolution in relationships. In fact, it’s a lot of what I do whether implicitly or explicitly. I am often called  to resolve conflicts between a manager and an employee, partners at a firm, department heads, and even between spouses. In most cases, the hurt, judgment, blame, and anger in these situations is high.  It’s common then for both parties to get ensnared by anger. But why? Why is there so much anger?

Our anger is a form of protection for when we feel threatened.

Our body is doing what it is inherently called to do. It triggers our sympathetic nervous system to fight, flee, or freeze in order to save us. Which of these three coping mechanisms we choose is usually determined by what worked for us at a younger point in our lives. When something works for us, we repeat it.  Eventually it becomes an automatic response —  an immediate reaction that shows up whenever we get angry.

Here’s where the problem shows up – when we react with anger, blame, and indignation, we end up either destroying relationships and opportunities or severely impeding their growth.  Anger also comes with a significant cost to our health in the form of anxiety, high blood pressure, and heart attacks – just to name a few. 

How can you become better at navigating your anger rather than being sabotaged by it?

Believe it or not, you can learn how to turn anger into positive energy through a proven 3-step emotionally intelligent process.  It’s one that differentiates the evolved, self-aware individual and leader from others. Let’s get into the steps.

Be curious. Not furious.

Lead with curiosity. When you’re feeling hurt, try to slow down your reaction. Instead of throwing anger and blame, be curious and begin to ask questions seeking to find something you didn’t know. Did someone cut you off in traffic triggering your road rage? Slow down and curiously ask yourself, “I wonder why he’s driving so fast…” What am I missing? What am I not seeing adequately? What may I not be considering? What else do I need to know here?

When you start by making assumptions, your own preconceived notions about how they are reacting to you are actually influencing how those people react. Believe it or not, you are actually much more in control of the responses you’re getting. If you change your perspective and think about things differently, 9 times out of 10, you’re going to get different responses, reactions, and results.

Assume positive intention.

Especially until you know otherwise. Give the opportunity for someone else to be heard for their intentions and to be seen accurately as opposed to what your primal angry, protective, threatened brain is conjuring up in a moment where it feels under siege.

Choose to connect.

Share something about you with the person you’re angry with that they might not know. Show your humanity. Be emotionally honest. What happens in the Law of Reciprocity is that what we give, someone else wants to respond in kind. So, if you’re choosing to connect, to be human, to be emotionally honest, it’s likely you are going to get the same thing back in return. This is how you begin to have more power over creating peace than you’ve previously recognized or owned. 

You can be passionate and defend your position down to the death, but the wisest know when to end the attack and anger and begin to be curious.  The wisest know when to see the humanity in the other person, to give them compassion and empathy. 

When you’re angry, be sure to discern whether you’re spending your energy wisely or getting caught up in an exhausting spiral of resistance just for the sake of being angry. 

Some of the best advice for living an open-hearted life and becoming a conflict resolution master is to remember a quote from Socrates: 

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. 

 

If you choose to operate from this mindset, you’ll find yourself always in a state of being curious. You’ll drop the assumptions that are evoking the negative, undesired behaviors from others. You’ll start asking questions, having more compassion, and naturally engage and connect with others showing them your own humanity. 

The bottom line is that anger is not a bad emotion. It is a messenger that is absolutely necessary at times to keep us safe and alive. Too often, however, we believe there are things threatening our existence that really aren’t. Instead, they may simply be threatening our ego  or maybe our reputation.  

If you find that anger is preventing a deal from going through, a team’s best production, you getting promoted, or a relationship with a family member thriving, begin repeating to yourself the mantra, “Be curious, not furious.” Your results will change each and every time. You’ll also improve your status as a leader, parent, spouse, and friend. 

In this episode I share:

  • Real-world examples of how anger triggers us and leads us to immediately react in destructive ways
  • What anger really is and why it’s important in our lives
  • My go-to transformational 3-step process to shift your immediate reaction to anger into a mindful state of curiosity that turns around conflict and creates positive, desired outcomes
  • The emotionally intelligent behavior that differentiates evolved, self-aware individuals and leaders from angry individuals who unwittingly sabotage and destroy relationships and opportunities

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

concrete-strategies-for-reducing-judgement-to-improve-your-life

Concrete Strategies For Reducing Judgment To Improve Your Life

You can listen to the full podcast episode here:

Think back to the last time you cast judgment on another. Maybe it was against your spouse, friend, coworker, boss, or even a stranger on the street. Did you then go to someone else and justify that judgment? How did you feel after doing so? At peace? Likely not. 

Despite our assumptions, peace of mind is never the byproduct of judgment. I know because I’ve learned that lesson the hard way in my corporate career. I realized that my judgment against my company’s decisions was keeping me from getting what I wanted. It wasn’t my company’s fault at all, but my own. Oh boy, was that freeing. Once I wiped out my judgment, I immediately became happier in my role and made the advancements that I had been working towards. 

When we judge others, we are killing our connection to them. It leads to feelings of resentment, confusion, and guilt. It is an act that can destroy a relationship in the blink of an eye, and half of the time we don’t even know that we’re doing it. The truth is, being nonjudgmental is tough. It is something that requires self-awareness and practice. Understanding what judgment is REALLY about will help us to transform it and release it. Only then can we really thrive in our relationships and step into the role of the bold fulfilled leaders we’re meant to be. 

My call to you is not to completely eliminate judgment altogether, but to simply notice when it’s happening and reduce the amount of time we sit in it. Do that, and I guarantee your performance will increase and your impact will amplify.

In this episode I share:

  • How to know when you’re in a judgment zone 
  • The REAL reason that we judge others
  • Thoughtful ways to release your judgments before it causes harm
  • The exact steps to take if you are being judgmental 
  • Why we must be aware of our intentions
  • The crucial difference between judgment and discernment

Join the waitlist for the Bold Leader Life School here. You’ll receive first access to details when they are released!

More Resources: 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Mastering The Art Of Connection

You can listen to the full podcast episode here:

The single most important skill that you will ever need is not one that is explicitly taught to you, yet it’s ranked #1 in determining how long you will live along with being responsible for your happiness in your personal and work life. The ability I am referring to is connection. To be clear, I’m not talking about a connection that you make on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Twitter from behind a computer screen or iPhone. I define connection as a trusting, authentic, meaningful interaction that gives energy to another person.

So, why does it matter so much? Simply think about the most defining moments and important relationships in your life. These things all happened because of a deeper connection with another person. Connection makes people feel seen, heard, and felt. That’s something all of us want. In order to experience these relationships, we need to give as much as we take. Today I’m taking you on a journey where you will learn how to take your connection factor to the next level and make a bigger impact in return.

In this episode I share:

  • The data and research-proven benefits of connection 
  • My 4 observations of connection based on personal experience and science
  • Ideas to deepen your connection with ease
  • How to eliminate the barriers to connection

Join the waitlist for the Bold Leader Life School here. You’ll receive first access to details when they are released!

More Resources: 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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