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Five Steps to Surviving Disappointment and Transcending Failure (a personal story with audio)

It’s the call after a kid’s sport tryout that any parent dreads. “Your kid didn’t make the team this year.”

In our case, my daughter got moved down to the “B” team after being on the “A” team for several years.

While neither a career ending move nor a complete surprise, it did not ease the blow.

The call came Thursday. I saved the news until Friday. The school’s year-end play was Thursday night, and I couldn’t ruin her on-stage performance. Afterwards, she was so happy that I couldn’t take her out of her bliss. Then Friday she raced out of school to ask if she could go to an impromptu play date. “I guess you can go,” I said out loud, “but I really need to tell you something,” I thought to myself. She skipped off merrily.

Was I trying to delay feeling my own pain, I wondered? After I picked her up from her friend’s house, I knew the time had come.

***

How did she take it? She bellowed and wailed. She later described receiving the new s like a punch in the stomach. She seemed shocked as she described a feeling like she was going to throw up. “Yep,” I thought, she now officially knows the feeling of disappointment and the dreaded “F” word–failure.

How would this experience affect her in the future? Would this be the moment she’d later work through at thirty in a coaching session when she wants to push through her fear of failure in order to pursue her dreams? I wondered if I was in the midst of a life-changing moment.

What happened next frankly shocked both my husband and me.

****

We both sat silently. We knew she needed to get it up and out. “Let it rip” is always my philosophy when it comes to grief and anger. Believe me when I say, “she did.”

Then she did something else. As she paced the house crying, she delivered a ‘download’ of direction that seemed to come to her between sobs.

“Dad, I need to tell my best friend (and fellow team member) that I didn’t make the team. “Will you call Mr.Carlson and tell him I need to come over tonight and tell Ellie in person. Tell him not to tell her. I want to tell her myself.” My husband said yes, he’d make the call.

Next, “Mom, can you get me Coach Erin’s telephone number? I want to call her and ask what I need to improve in order to get back on the team next year?” The intense crying now had her gasping for air with her head bouncing in hiccup-like convulsions as she’d so often done when she was a baby.

Then she let loose a huge wail as the reality of a season without the friends she’d grown close to settled in.

She, however, continued, “I need to call [the girl who is replacing me on the team] and congratulate her on moving up.” (I listened as she ended that 70-minute long telephone conversation with genuine happiness for the girl, “they are lucky to have you on the team.” You could hear her smile as she said these words.)

My heart sank. Where did that come from? Somehow in the middle of her intense emotion and pain, my daughter remained clear-minded and heart-centered.

I reflected, “Would I have thought of these three actions? If I did how long would it have taken me to pull them out? And would I have had the courage in my anguish to follow through?”

My daughter was proof that we humans can train ourselves to keep our heart wide open even after great disappointment, pain and failure. We don’t have to succumb to our emotions.

What had she done to help her get to this moment? I’d like to say it was me, but it wasn’t. Her father and I hadn’t given any direction.

Instead, Casserly had tapped into her already existing oceans of insight and wisdom. Her first step was to feel and acknowledge her pain. The next four steps required her to

ASK her ‘Higher Self’ or intuition the question. (Ex. What should I do next?”)
LISTEN to the answer or direction.
TRUST the answer and then
ACT on it.

She could have locked herself in her bedroom and thrown her head in her pillow — like I may have done in the same situation.

After all, it’s easy to make disappointment Personal–“I am a loser.”

And Pervasive: “It always happens to me and always will.”

Instead, she grieved and was present in each painful moment and conversation that followed so that she could MOVE ON.

She reminded me that day that I can’t always choose my circumstances, but I can always choose how I respond. Pain is temporary; suffering is a choice.

We will survive. We can transcend failure. Failure doesn’t define us.

Zen Parenting Radio did a heartfelt interview with Casserly regarding her story. If you’d like to hear her explain the process she went through, listen here.

The emotion was still raw when this was taped. It’s authentic and real. Casserly, nonetheless, persevered with grace and love. She was her mother’s teacher once again.

Click here to listen to the interview.

Solitude: Take a “Daily Vacation” for Peak Performance

I remember when I said it to my husband. “The best part of my day is in the morning before everyone wakes and at night after everyone goes to sleep.”

His response said it all. “Well, that’s sad.”

For a moment I felt shame. I realized he interpreted my enjoying silence and solitude as not enjoying my daily life.

I still stand by my statement, but I wondered for a moment, “Maybe he’s right. What’s wrong with me or my life that makes me desire solitude so much?”

I believe my husband’s response reflects that of society. The world today does not understand the need to be alone. Yes, take time for an appointment with a client, your boss, your hair stylist, but don’t you dare miss something else because you have an appointment with yourself.

In 1955 Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote in Gift By The Sea, “What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect: when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it — like a secret vice.” Almost sixty years after this writing, it seems society still has neither connected with nor embraced the message.

Solitude is the not the only way, but certainly for me the best way, to recharge from all the giving I put out during my waking hours. Solitude replenishes my spirit. It re-energizes me. It re-calibrates me in a way that changes how I respond to what is happening in my life, my level of stress, and my ability to tap into my creativity and my wisdom when making decisions.

When I don’t have that daily solitude, noise hurts my ears and physical touch hurts my body. I’m over-stimulated. It’s like I’m short-circuiting. During these moments, getting away is a must.

Spending time alone, allows me to hear things I can’t hear in the midst of the complicated life of two entrepreneurs and three active children. It’s in these moments of solitude, I hear whispers of how to simplify, and recall what really matters to me.

You see, everything we create is based upon how centered and clear-minded we are — especially in the midst of chaos. Alone time allows us to restore our clear-mindedness so we are in our peak zone for our busy and fast-paced lives.

While society has far from fully embraced solitude, it is becoming a recognized tool for higher performance and greater personal satisfaction even in our corporations. Meditation and yoga rooms, mindfulness training, and nap areas are in companies such as Google, Aetna, Cisco, Huffington Post, Promega and Salesforce.com.

It’s trending because studies have shown these practices train the mind to be more focused and resilient, to see with more clarity and to improve decision making, productivity and creativity. Practically priceless.

***

I no longer apologize for my desire to be alone. I’ve dropped the shame.

Now I’m proud to say, the best parts of my day are the morning before everyone wakes and after every one is in bed. I love my rich life in between these points even more as a result of my moments alone.

Solitude is no longer optional in the high-paced lives we’ve created. The good news is my husband gets this now. “Why don’t you step out and not come back for a while,” is a comment I gratefully receive from him so I can experience what I call my “daily vacation.”

Marcus Aurelius once said, “People look for retreats for themselves in the country, by the coast, or in the hills…There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat that in his own mind…So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.”

It’s your turn; schedule time alone with yourself. That’s right, put it on your calendar. Make a date with yourself this week. Yes, we have that vacation near the water this summer and maybe a moment on the weekend. But where will you find your solitude today?

I’d love to hear how you get time alone.

My Spiritual Smack-down, Bigger Boundaries & Higher Standards

We all know what it’s like to be disappointed by someone. You know the kind. Your mother-in-law discusses your husband’s old girlfriends with your kids. A colleague takes credit for your idea and sells it on-line. Your friend doesn’t listen to your repeated “no” and insists you go out with her. Your sister-in-law tells family members she hopes you don’t intend to have more children because you don’t seem to enjoy the ones you have.

At first when these things happen, I make it my business to assume “positive intention,” that is, to assume the individual did not set out to hurt or offend. She just may not have thought about how it feels to be on the receiving end of her behavior.

In these cases, I find it in my heart to let the person know “that doesn’t work for me,” forgive, and move on. But I don’t stop there. I take it a step further.

I make sure to look at what hidden opportunity or “backdoor gift” I could receive from the experience. In other words, how the unpleasant experience could support me in my personal growth.

For example, am I being beckoned to confront conflict versus running? To speak my true voice versus holding back? Or be willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint myself?

Once I identify the real opportunity arising from the uncomfortable situation, I take the obvious prescriptive action.

There are two reasons I consider this an important step. First, I don’t want to be a victim. I am in charge of my life. I never want to claim another is making me feel anything. I have a choice and want to exercise it. Second, I want to “get it,” that is, the backdoor gift, so I don’t unwittingly attract a pattern of this kind of behavior. In other words, I need to get the lesson so I’m not slapped upside the head with a larger dead fish at another time.

****

But what happens when someone steps over your boundaries again and again? It’s a question I’m asked often.

Is there a time to let go of a relationship because it no longer serves your highest good and what you’re committed to? Does being spiritual mean you have to not only forgive, but stay in an unhealthy and draining relationship until you can make peace? Is it a test?

These were the questions I asked myself recently during a challenging situation where I was disappointed by a family member.

I know I’m good with boundaries. When I say “no,” I mean “no.” It’s taken me years to choose a couple minutes of discomfort over long-term anger or resentment, but I do it now. So holding my boundaries wasn’t my lesson this time.

My lesson went a step further; could I give myself permission to leave the relationship before I “fixed” it? Uggh. This was it.

As a coach, I never try to “fix” my clients. None of them are broken or in need of being fixed. I guide them to their best. But I noticed, when it became personal and family, my ego became inflamed with itself, saying I should fix everything.

***

Oriah Mountain Dreamer in her poem, The Invitation, asks the question, “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself? Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”

My head was challenged by this question, but my heart said, “Yes.” I knew that letting go was true for me because it felt like freedom and empowerment.

Oprah recently reiterated that the biggest lesson she learned from Maya Angelou was this: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

I realized I’d been hoping for the relationship to change, even when I had thirteen years of evidence that the person was exactly who she was showing up to be. It was my opportunity to stop suffering and fighting reality, and choose me.

I got my lesson, and my answer was to let the relationship go. Instead, I am sending love and light and best wishes and healing for all. Knowing we’re all connected, I trust that when I do what’s right for me, it’s also best for another.

There is nothing spiritual about staying in situations or relationships that are toxic or affront you. In fact it is spiritual to say “no more.”

It’s Your Turn. What are you accepting or hanging onto that, when you let go or eliminate it, will free you from negativity? Do you have a relationship where you need to establish a boundary or let go of it altogether?

Challenge yourself this week to raise your standards and expand your boundaries by choosing to spend less time with those who drain you or don’t feed your soul. You have all the permission you need to “let go.”

The Winning Question Champion Super Bowl Quarterback Asks

I don’t know about you, but I loved watching the Super Bowl, and it’s not for the reasons you might think. My favorite part isn’t the football game. (I’m afraid every hit will lead to a concussion.) It’s not the commercials though I loved the Clydesdale and puppy in Budweiser’s ‘bust buddies’ commercial. It wasn’t even Bruno Mars’ half-time performance which held me captive.

My favorite part of the Super Bowl without a doubt is listening to the stories of the players. It’s hearing about their adversities and challenges and how they overcame them to be where they are today. These stories inspire me.

Sunday night 25-year-old quarterback, Russell Wilson, gave me my fill of inspiration. His post-game interview exposed the mindset of a champion.

Here are the three life game-changers Russell Wilson described in his five minute post-game interview:

“Why not you?” Wilson said when he was younger his father always asked him, “why not you?” Why not you as a national football player? Why not you as a world champion? Russell became trained to ask the same of himself. Instead of being mesmerized by others’ success, he chose himself. He believed in himself. Champions do this. They don’t wait for others to pick them. They choose themselves.

Your Champion Action Step:

Identify your Big Energizing Fun Goal (BEFG) for 2014 and ask yourself the question, “why not me?” List ten reasons why you can versus why you can’t. Then choose you.

Be there in advance. Last year when Wilson and his team didn’t make it to the Super Bowl, Wilson was disappointed. But he decided to go to the Super Bowl to watch it anyway. He arrived early and went down to the field as he would if he was playing that day. He watched what a team does in the Super Bowl. He became familiar and comfortable with it. Wilson used a common tool successful people use: he visualized being in there in advance. A year later Wilson simply recreated what his mind already expected.

Your Champion Action Step:

Choose one experience or achievement you wish to create in 2014, take five minutes to imagine it in its’ entirety with delicious detail — the smell, the colors, the feelings. Notice who is with you. What you imagine in your mind you believe, and what you believe, your mind will seek ways to do.

Every day is a championship day. Wilson explained that Seattle coach, Pete Carroll, impressed upon his team that every day was a championship day. It didn’t matter if it was practice, a training session, a regular season game or a playoff game. The team was expected to show up at that high level and give their best EVERY day. There was no ‘special’ Super Bowl locker room speech, because this was just another championship day and the team was practiced at going full-out again. Being engaged in the moment is game-changing. Endless growth and opportunities will follow.

Your Champion Action Step:

Make it a “yes” day. Give yourself fully to whatever you are doing in this minute. Whether it’s brushing your teeth, talking to your child or meeting for a planning session at work–be there and give your best.

Finally, champions implement what they learn. Take just one of these ideas and implement it today!

~Rita

10 Questions To A Year YOU Deserve

You may not know this about me. I get giddy excited about designing and planning the New Year. I schedule at least one day to do nothing but visualizing and planning.

Why? Because years ago at the advice of a coach, after a year of struggle and disappointment, I wrote down my dream year and created a plan.

It ranged from starting my own business, to meeting my soul mate, to getting out of debt, to traveling with friends, to going back to school, and being confident and happy about my present and future.

In essence, I imagined things that had never been but wanted to experience. I wrote it all down. I created a plan. This is where I began.

Skip to the end of the story: everything I imagined and planned became real.

There are a lot of things you might consider essential for creating a 2014 that rings, “this is my year,” but from a getting-results and living bold, rich, and fulfilled point of view, nothing is as important.

There are lots of things that are more urgent…Not a lot of things are more important.

So to help you create a fulfilling and rich (in all ways) year, I am giving you some questions to begin.

These are some of the questions right out of my own playbook.

1. What were your biggest accomplishments of 2013?

2. What lessons have you learned from those accomplishments?

3. What were your biggest disappointments of 2013?

4. What did you learn from those disappointments?

5. What do you want more of in your relationships, career, and

business in 2014?

6. What would it feel like to accomplish or experience these?

7. What would it cost you if you didn’t?

8. If you knew for a fact that this was “your year” to (fill in the blank) what bold decision do you need to make right now to support your goal?

9. If you knew for a fact this was the year you finally (fill in the blank) what two bold action steps would you commit to take right now?

10. What BEFG (big, energizing, fun goal) do you want to set for yourself this year?

Some of us will drift our way through another year. I’ve done it.

Others will deliberately create their year by making and implementing a plan. I’ve done that too.

What I know for certain is the ride is much more fulfilling and exciting when you do it with a vision and plan…and a team of support.

You can make 2014 the best year too! But have you decided and are you ready?

My advice is to give yourself whatever support you need to guarantee -not just hope–that this is YOUR year.

If it hasn’t occurred yet, what will you do differently this year?

If you don’t have the answer, then who can you get to help?

The doors to “It’s My Year” Life Course are open. Class starts January 14th.

Click here to finally dig deep, design, plan and lead your knock-it-out-of-the-park-year!

Let’s get started on doing the impossible! Join me.

Wishing you the happiness, peace, health and wealth you wish for yourself.

Happy Your Year!

~Rita

What $3 Million Gift Are You Sitting On?

I recently heard this true story.

A poor man named John died. Part of his life he had spent as a homeless man.

At his funeral his friends gathered. Afterwards, some went back to his apartment to organize and collect his sparse belongings to sell at a garage sale.

There they found a painting on the wall to include in the sale. Someone bought it and took it to an art dealer to see its value. It turns out the painting was painted by an artist in the 1800’s. The painting sold for $3 million.

John had been blind to see what he had. He didn’t see the value and magnificence in himself and in turn couldn’t see other riches and opportunities he already possessed.

While it seems incredulous and perhaps even a shame to hear John’s story, in many ways we do the same thing every day.

What gift, talent, or opportunity do you have at your hands that you are not willing to own, cultivate or receive?

What if you knew and no longer denied that you are sitting on a $3 million gold mine of talent, creativity and energy? What would you do differently?

What if you knew you were the best person in the world to bring that unique gift, message, product, or service, into the world? What would you do –TODAY?

Would you sharpen your tools? Commit yourself to mining for your gold?

You are not average. You are not ordinary. You are one of a kind, placed here at this time on purpose.

You have gifts beyond measure to bring to your family, community, business and organization. You are valuable.

Don’t let allow your gifts to go unused. Someone else in the world needs what you have to give.

If you don’t know what they are, it’s time to become your own self-expert.

“It’s My Year” Life Class 2.0 starts January 14th. It will help you identify what you are here for and how to experience the success, fulfillment, and impact you want –not in the future –in the next six months!

I’ll see you in January!

Bullies, Betrayal, and Boundaries: How to Reset Your Boundaries When They’ve Gone Too Soft

Do you ever say “yes” when you mean “no?” Has a close friend betrayed your trust and expected you to act as though it wasn’t hurtful or offensive? Does a family member ask your opinion then not listen when you give it? Maybe your older brother still bullies you like he did when you were ten. Do your conversations with a loved one make you doubt yourself or cause you to feel insecure?

Setting boundaries can transform the way you live and love in these relationships.

We forget that we train people how to treat us. But we can retrain them. It is our responsibility to have the confidence to define and denounce what is unacceptable treatment.

That’s when I bring out two of my favorite words – no more.

You can say “no more” to a person or a condition.

“No more” acting like that offensive behavior is ok, taking my ideas as your own, speaking to or about me disrespectfully, ignoring what I say or taking and never contributing to our relationship.

“No more” can also be directed at ourselves. No more telling ourselves we’re not good enough or worthy. No more investing in and accepting relationships that disappoint and drain us. No more overlooking betrayal. No more under-utilizing our talents and true gifts. No more buying into the lie that we don’t need help or that we don’t have enough time to take care of ourselves. NO MORE!

“No more” indicates a decision— “not in my house, not on my watch, not in my lifetime. No way, no how.”

In other words, “I am complete with that thinking, that way of being, that treatment, or that behavior” whether from myself or others.

Saying “no more” indicates you know what you are committed to rather than what you are worried about. These words let others know things are changing. I have a boundary, and you crossed it.

“No” is one of the first three words we learn as children. We say it all day long. Then something happens between 3-years-old and mid-life. We stop saying “no” and simply turn our cheek even when our personal standards and boundaries are crossed.

We start “shoulding” on ourselves. “I should help them no matter what.” “I should accept that.” “They are family.” “I need to just do it.” “I should let it go.” As a result we lose our boundaries, and our relationships become plagued with judgment, resentment and disappointment.

Extending our boundaries is transformational because when we remove the unsupportive, we make space for who we really are versus who we think we should be. Then often what previously eluded us for so long– intimate relationships, fulfilling work, energy, health, and well-being suddenly find a place to show up.

In the past month I’ve witnessed boundaries transform marriages, empower children, be responsible for an engagement, a child’s conception, and pull a man straight out of a full-blown mid-life crisis right into his ideal job. Yep. All this from saying “no more” to the people or circumstances that no longer supported them.

Saying these two little words can be tough and take courage. After all, there is a chance the recipient (including your own ego) won’t like the change. The fears of rejection, judgment or no longer receiving love are the top reasons we don’t hold our boundaries.

Ahh but the upside of extending boundaries is, well, priceless. Freedom and liberation are the by-products.

Author, Oriah Mountain Dreamer, in her poem “The Invitation” says it like this: “Are you willing to disappoint another so as not to disappoint yourself? Are you willing to bear the accusation of betrayal so as not to betray your own soul?”

When we are able to shout from the mountain top “YES,” we open the doors to receiving the inner peace, happiness and fulfillment we are meant to experience.

As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve come a long way. I never said “no.” I didn’t think I had a right to do so. I struggled with holding boundaries and being spiritual. I’ve since learned that the two are not mutually exclusive; they’re imperative in a fulfilling spirit-driven life. Now I know it’s the most honest and authentic way to be in my relationship with myself and others.

Where have your boundaries become soft? What area of life is beckoning you to raise your standards? What do you need to say “no more” to, so you can have more of the love, spark, and peace you deserve?

By setting boundaries you make room to experience who you really are and give back to others their power to do the same!

The Five-Step Recovery Plan When the ‘Schizzle’ Hits the Fan

The basement floods. You exit the store and notice someone scraped your car. You get home and realize you left your wallet at the store. Technology fails you at this inopportune time. When you finally make it out for some “self-care” time, you get a call from the school nurse, “Your daughter threw up on the classroom floor.”

You know what I am talking about, right?

These are the days when the schizzle hits the fan.

What do you do? What happens when the pressure is mounting and you’re in the ‘Schizzle Spin Zone?’

The goal is not to avoid these moments and judge ourselves when they happen. We all know schizzle happens.

We can’t control everything, but we can control how we handle it.

The best goal in these times is to simply reduce the lag time between one of these moments and when we return to our personal best—our true self.

Doing this has become a new type of competition for me. My goal is to reduce the time and thereby, the power I give over to such circumstances.

Recently, when I lost a complete and edited document hours before it had to go out, I removed myself from the spin in less than 30 seconds. That’s a new personal best! I didn’t move from my computer. I simply began typing it from scratch again.

My old way was to swim in the swamp. I’d call others, dump, talk about how dreadful things are and get them to affirm that life is hard.

Now, as a recovering drama-queen (definition: one who feeds and gets sustenance from chaos), I’ve learned it doesn’t work to spin in the proverbial shizzle.

I am not a master, but I am a master student of not allowing these moments to control me. That’s a good thing. Because these days with three kids, a primarily technology run business, and a travelling husband schizzle happens.

Here’s what you can do the next time the schizzle hits the fan in your world.

Step 1- Get it out! Trying to hold back what you really feel is the equivalent of emotional constipation. It is going to come out. Let it.

The feelings are neither going to kill you nor do they mean you are spiritually un-evolved. You are human. Get angry. Cry. Call a trusted friend who will listen and not seek to solve. One of my favorite tools is to shout it out to the bathroom mirror.

I had one of these days recently. It caught me off guard. I confided in my mother. Typed an email to my “sister.” Then I told off the bathroom mirror. Surprisingly, within an hour I was back on course.

Step 2- Time limit. Sometimes it’s not that easy. It may take longer to return to center. Give yourself a time limit of how long you’ll allow yourself to fester. Be generous but not too generous.

Step 3 – Remind yourself “This is temporary.” Years ago when I was in a job I hated, I wrote these words on an index card and set it on my desk. With this reminder, I was able to re-direct my energy to contribute to a solution rather than stew in the dilemma.

Step 4 Take a time out. Drop everything. Stop holding yourself to the same standards when it is not your best day. Give yourself permission to have an “average day.” Let go of your agenda. Ask what your spirit needs, listen and act on it. Take yourself to lunch. Go to a movie or a batting cage. Mix it up.

Step 5 “Next.” Move on. Pain happens. Suffering is a choice. The past is history. Be more interested in what’s next.

Each day we’re given a certain amount of energy. How we choose to use it is within our control.

The good news is tomorrow is a brand new day, and I’m setting my intention that it’s a ridiculously amazing one!

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Four Simple Approaches To Reveal Your True Gifts and Ideal Career

Are you drawn to a life-changing career move but not sure exactly what it is?

Do you want to make a change in how you make a living?

Are you looking to answer the question, “What am I meant to do with my life?”

If you answered yes, you are not alone. In a recent Gallup Poll, 70% of people have disengaged from their work. This is the result of not using their true gifts.

Last week in Part One of this two-part series, “How to Identify Your Purpose and Ideal Career”, I shared the foundation to uncover your true calling. If you didn’t read about creating your champion mindset, you can find it on the blog.

Once you create your champion mindset, you are ready to uncover your purpose and ideal work.

When I work with my clients to answer the age-old question, “What am I meant to do with my life,” it’s like interpreting tea leaves.

I have them begin by writing a bullet-point biography. As I go through it, I discern patterns and themes that prompt me to ask questions that highlight their purpose and ideal career.

While uncovering your ideal work requires some excavation, telling the truth about who you are and what you want will get the ball rolling.

Let me show you how to do it for yourself.

The past holds many clues to what you are meant to be doing in the future. So your first step is to write your Bulleted Bio.

You write your history in bullet format so you can easily look through it for themes. List significant accomplishments from as far back as you can remember and also job roles you held throughout your life. Include hobbies, awards, sports and experiences that formed you.

Approach #1 Identify the Themes. Look for the golden threads or themes that run throughout your history. There may be many so look for an interest that has followed throughout.

Maybe it’s an entrepreneurial spirit, a certain kind of job (sales, artist, sports), or a tendency towards certain roles, perhaps as a leader, administrator, strategist, teacher/trainer. The themes can show up as preferences, roles, environment, interests, or callings.

Make sure you write all of your history down. Too often people dismiss things as insignificant that could be good indicators of what they are meant to do in the future.

You may be used to looking only at what job or what industry you were in as indicators for the future.

A better way to approach finding your true calling is to look at who you were being in those roles you enjoyed. Were you the writer, the speaker, the strategist, the key leader, promoter, guide or teacher?

Who did you get to be in the past that you liked? What roles were your favorite?

Circle them. These are significant pieces to your puzzle.

Approach #2 What dreams did you have that got halted?

Was there a dream you had that was pushed aside? While you may not return to where you left off, that halted dream does hold value and may have clues.

Last week I talked about the former college football champion who 25-years-later seeks his dream career. He is a great example of a dream that was halted. He was on his way to the NFL, but it didn’t work out. Sports are not something he’ll go back to in the same way, but it is something that needs to be included to honor his purpose and passion and so he can feel happy about life again.

Approach #3 What do others see you doing?

Write down what people have always said you “should” be. If you are not sure what people think you should be, sit down with a few of your trusted friends and ask what they see in you. The answers can hold valuable ideas. Many of my clients have uncovered their purpose from talking to another who revealed what my clients couldn’t or were too scared to see. Ask, listen and try it on.

Approach #4 Become Your Own Self-Expert

The biggest shift in the process to uncover your purpose and ideal career is to step up your personal development. Become your own self-expert.

Don’t ask what your next career “should be,” ask what excites and energizes you.

What awesome idea or desire lurks within, waiting for you to acknowledge it? What bold and scary career move have you been trying to bury beneath a pile of logical, boring ones?

What would you love to do if nobody paid you for it?

If you were free from all things that limit you and hold you back, what direction would you go?

How do you know you’ve found it? The first criterion is that your purpose is something you could do immediately. You don’t’ need to be retrained because it’s been a part of you all along. Yes, you may need another certification for the job, but your natural gifts are already there.

The second is you know it’s your purpose because it impacts others.

Third, it just feels good. Your body may relax or get excited just thinking about it. No matter what, it feels ‘lighter,’ easier, like you’re home.

If finding your life purpose and ideal work remains a mystery, I have empathy. I know first-hand how depressing it can be to be disconnected from your True North. Be aware of these two blocks that may be holding you back.

First, you are too scared to identify it even if you know the answer, because it means change and dealing with uncertainty. In this case, being confused is working for you in an odd sort of way. One way to circumvent this is to finish the sentence, “If I wasn’t confused (or I guessed) at what I am called to, it is…”

Second, there is a possibility that you are motivated by a stronger commitment to something besides identifying your life’s work. You may be more committed to being stable, certain, not making a mistake, preventing the judgment of others, or living to the standards and beliefs of someone else, or “not screwing up my family,” a quote from a recent client.

The problem with non-supporting commitments, as they are sometimes called, is that they will continue to derail you when left unrecognized.

Just being aware of the non-supporting commitment can help you see more clearly. Finish the statement, “If I weren’t committed to this non-supporting commitment, I would…”

Spend some time with these approaches. If you still are challenged to interpret your tea leaves, consider getting the support of someone who can help you.

If you’ve thought about working with me as your coach to support you in identifying work that matters to you, you are in luck. I am putting together a new Coaching Package designed just for you.

If you are interested and want to get on the wait list,write [email protected]. You’ll be among the first to get the details!

Your change agent,

Rita

10 Subtle Shifts To Answer “What Next?” In Your Career When You’re Burnt Out Or Have Lost Your Confidence

Last week I sat with a former football champion. “MVP”, “Hall of Fame,” and “Ivy League” were words peppered throughout his biography. He still physically looks like a competitive athlete, but I could quickly tell he’d lost his champion state of mind.

Three weeks into a new job, he is worried he made the wrong choice. His anxiety keeps him awake at night. He told me he is short on patience with his family, and the stress is negatively affecting his relationships—the most important thing in his life.

His request: “I want to know what to do next. I want to know if I made the wrong decision by taking this job, and I want to find a career I am passionate about.”

What do you do when the pressure is high, your self-doubt is in overdrive, and you wonder if you will ever feel confident again?

Is this you?

Maybe you lost your job and worry you’ll never find one that you like or one that pays you what you want.

Maybe you started a new job and you’re afraid you won’t succeed.

Or maybe your company is experiencing financial pressure and it’s dependent on you to save it.

You may be spinning so fast, you don’t know where to begin.

****

I asked the former football champion, “Did you ever go out on the field and imagine losing as you were warming up?”

He looked at me as though I was crazy, laughed and said, “no way.”

“Then why would you do it in this new game you are starting?” I could see he could relate to this line of thinking, so I continued.

“Before we can get true answers to your questions, we have to get you thinking and operating like a champion again. “

Why? Getting your champion mindset loaded is like getting your uniform on and your equipment ready. It sets you up to be able to identify the work you are passionate about where you can maximize your talent and impact.

If uncovering your ideal work is what you want more than anything, here are the first 10 steps to bring forward your champion state of mind.

1. See things as they are, but not worse than they are. Don’t write your own nightmare. 99% of our worries never happen, but we buy into them and make our decisions as if they will. Your mind cannot get your body to move when it is stuck in a story that is terrifying and depressing.

Commonly created nightmares:

#1 You lose your job and imagine never getting another. Then you lose your home and have to live on the streets.

#2 You get the new job you wanted, you fail, get fired and the kids have to give up their extracurricular activities. You lose your home in this nightmare as well.

Your solution: Get real with the likelihood of your worse-case scenario happening. You will find it is either completely unlikely or you can deal with it if it did happen.

Doing this frees up space for a new story and you’ll be able to start hearing your creative solutions. Just because you are down in the 3rd quarter, doesn’t mean you are going to lose the whole game.

2. Believe your best times are before you. Your next half is your best half. What would that look like to be true? Imagine it’s halftime and you are the coach. What would you tell them? If you don’t know Google Lou Holtz from Notre Dame and watch one of his inspiring halftime talks.

3. Expect to win. In fact, don’t entertain not winning. Your mind is like a movie screen playing 24/7. Whatever movie is playing, your subconscious mind believes and takes literally. That’s why if you repeatedly see yourself as someone who has made bad decisions, is not achieving enough compared to others or whose prior success was just luck, your subconscious mind feels the stress AND will seek to create just that. Yikes! Instead win in your mind first and you will win with your clients, team and family.

4. Celebrate every small win. What you focus on expands. Train your mind for success. Grab a stack of neon post-it notes. Write 25 ‘wins’ from your past on each. Post the notes on the wall in front of your computer or in a notebook (like I do). Reference your successes daily and ADD to them—no matter how small.

5. Compare yourself ONLY to your personal best. Michael Jordan, a true champion, said that throughout his years he didn’t compare himself to others. He compared himself to his own personal best. Self-judgment and criticism which often come from comparing oneself to others leads to anxiety and fear. Anxiety and fear translate into sleepless nights, depression, and no progress. Look at your personal bests so far. Identify what mindset and actions accounted for them. This is your success formula. Use it again.

6. Trust that you are EXACTLY where you are meant to be. This brings you back to the present. You may not see the opportunity in your circumstances right now, but be open to finding it. When you change your perspective from the past or the future to the present, you open yourself to creative solutions, change and real results.

7. Be your own quarterback. Own the game. Don’t be victim to it. Take it into your own hands. When you’re throwing the football, you don’t look at the opponent who may intercept your ball. You look at your target. You own the target. Do the same with your career. Pursue your target.

Scott Dinsmore asks, “What work can you NOT do?” Identify it. Call the play, and drive it. Be bold enough to try it. Overthink it or waver with self-doubt and self-defeating thoughts, you will get sacked.

8. Don’t give up. Even if you have extreme stress or crisis in your life, you have two choices. You can let it take over you or you can get more emotionally fit. Use the challenge, pain, and crisis to get stronger. My most painful moments have also been my game-changing (interpret life-changing) ones. They made me dig deep and find out who I am. I often tell my clients that pain is perfect because it’s calling you to put a stake in the ground and consciously choose to re-vamp your future.

9. Create a compelling future. Don’t live to survive this moment. See what it looks like to you to thrive. Get exc’ited about where you are headed. What is happening? Who is in your life? What are you elated about creating for yourself and others? What impact have you made? If you can’t see your compelling future yet, make sure you are signed up at www.ritahyland.com to get my blog post next week. That’s when we’ll provide you with the steps to uncovering your ideal work. There will be a free download in there for you as well.

10. Take the leap. Push it. Keep moving forward. We all need to grow to feel alive. Don’t give up. Get stronger. Take your next step. Use your team or create a new one to support you.

Remember this: You have it within you to be a champion. Think like one. Act like one. Be one.

Once you have a champion mindset you will be able to gain access to your true gifts and ideal work, and you will be able to maximize your impact.

May this time of your life, be the prime of your life!

Warmly and enthusiastically,

Rita