The other week I was shopping in a store after a doctor’s appointment when my daughter called me from college. She started her freshman year this fall and like “firsts” for many of us, this ride has been full of ups and downs.

I knew she had not been feeling well physically. Now I could hear on this call that her spirit was low too.

I listened empathetically as I silently reminded myself, “Connection over correction,” a mantra I’ve been repeating to myself in my conversations with her lately.

Through all that my daughter was saying, I could hear The Three P’s roaring. That is:

• This is personal, “It’s only happening to me.”
• It’s pervasive, “I’ve been given a bad hand in every area.”
• It’s permanent, “It’s never going to change.”
  

I knew exactly how she was feeling. I’ve been a victim of the 3 P’s more than a few times in my life.

So instead of giving her advice, I told her a story about when I went to college, when I started my first job in Chicago, last month when I started a new project — and oh yes — just last week!

During all of these times of forward motion and building something new, I both hated and loved it. There were times I wanted to quit. Sometimes I shed tears. And then when it ended I was exhausted, exhilarated, satisfied, and grateful all at once. We can all count on this same cycle of feeling anytime we attempt to create something new.

Such is the process of new beginnings.

No matter how many times I create a new training, presentation, partnership, or podcast I go through this similar journey. It’s a lot like riding a roller coaster…

You decide to take the ride.

You anxiously wait in line questioning if you’ve made the right decision.

You strap yourself in because now it’s go time.

You hold on tight through the unpredictable ups and downs.

You do your best to enjoy the ride.

Similar to the roller coaster ride, when I take on something new, I can count on a few things happening. I will…

Second-guess myself.

Wonder if I’m enough.

Criticize my choices.

Feel awkward.

Scream or shed some tears.

Worry what others think.

Consider quitting.

Feel excited and energized.

Experience deep satisfaction when I am done!

Doing anything for the first time (or the first hundredth time) is unpredictable and uncontrolled and we humans inherently resist uncertainty.

But somehow when we know this cycle is normal and is part of the natural creation process, we can accept the unpredictable roller coaster ride as a universal experience. We can see that it doesn’t discriminate against age, accomplishment level, title, or experience. And it is not personal, permanent, or pervasive. In fact, our response to the ride is completely normal.

Just like a roller coaster, the ride will come to an end. Our work is to not let the ups and downs keep us from getting on the ride again — or a new ride altogether!

As I ended my conversation with my daughter I sensed something had shifted in her — and in me too. We were both calmer. In fact, as I turned off my phone having acknowledged this universal truth, I remembered I was in a small and busy boutique. I looked up and saw a group of women who had overheard me.

One woman turned to me and said, “You said it, mom, and you summed it up well for all of us.”

Here’s to allowing and embracing all the emotions on your journey, and never stopping because of them.

~ Rita

I’ve been thinking lately about how ingrained our culture is to focus solely on outcomes.

Too often we expect to produce fruits without caring for the roots.

Years ago I recall attending an event where the speaker opened the three-day training talking about the seasons being a metaphor for life. Specifically, I recall him giving a lot of attention to our metaphorical Winter being a time for stillness and rest.

I still remember the visceral reaction I had to this discussion. I was annoyed!

I hadn’t attended the event to hear how I should be still and rest during my proverbial Winter. I was there to learn how I could be in a state of perpetual production.

If there was any season I wanted to learn about it was how to work harder in Summer so I could produce and harvest non-stop in Fall… and Winter… and Spring.

I had just had my third child. He was only three months old at the time. My thoughts based on the models I’d observed were that the only way I could run my business, meet with clients, raise a family and maintain a healthy marriage was to be in a state of perpetual production.

In hindsight, I didn’t want to learn to flow with the seasons. I wanted to know how I could defy them.

I don’t need to tell you what happens when you continue to plant the same crop over and over again without ever giving it a break. The crop suffers as the soil is depleted. Eventually, there is no harvest.

Not long after that event, I recall my body taking on an intense infection. I remember laying on the floor next to my infant son. My body was so fatigued and depleted that it couldn’t produce food for him or anything else for that matter.

I was stunned, but I shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t the first time I’d overextended myself and not appreciated a more balanced rhythm.

Fast forward over twelve years later… I respect the seasons.

I’m completely clear on the fact that we are not meant to be in perpetual production. No matter how much our ego and domesticated self says we can. Even if we believe we’re the exception to the rule.

Looking back, I realize now I’ve made mistakes in how hard I pushed myself and others. I’m certain I unknowingly missed moments with my kids and family along the way as a result.

What I know deep down is that a well-lived life is no longer measured by a stack of achievements but a stack of presence-filled moments.

As my first child departs for college next month, I am respecting the season I’m in and am setting an intention to experience the moments until then with:

• More connection instead of direction
• More calm energy instead of tense energy
• More creativity instead of routine
• More trust and less fear
• More happiness focus than success focus​
  ​

I’ve learned that when we listen and give our brains, bodies, and spirits a break, it not only allows the systems to replenish but also allows our subconscious to work on creating something new.

If you have been pushing for an extended period, I invite you to challenge culture’s approach to always be producing and take time to cultivate — and maybe even restore — those things that are the source of your success and happiness.

Enjoy your season!

All my best,

~Rita

A few years back, I was writing a book. Not your casual “Oh, I’m thinking about writing a book.” No, I was ALL IN.  I’d taken a class.  Immersed myself in the writing process. Hired a writing coach. The whole nine yards.

Then one day, my computer got hacked. And they were malicious. I even got a ransom request.  It doesn’t matter, I thought.  I backed everything up.

But I was wrong.  My book was gone.  

I was hysterical.  

I knew I was on another level when my husband arrived home mid-workday with the closest thing he could get to an FBI agent computer expert.

He said we would pay whatever we needed to recover my book as we sat with them at the dining room table. But despite our best efforts, I never saw my book again.

Now I know what happens to you happens for you. I also know that in the hour you realize that months of your life’s work has gone up in smoke, grief is an entirely NORMAL response.

I recall uncontrollably dumping the news on my mother that day. In an attempt to help me get my bearings, my mother said, “First thing you need to do is cancel all of your clients today.”

I remember my response clearly, “Oh, I am NOT canceling my clients! The only thing that is going to prevent me from a complete downward spiral is not being absorbed in this — in me.”  

I remember something I had heard years earlier. That is, the therapy that comes from helping someone else is one of the most advanced ways to help yourself.  

In other words, the fastest way out of a dark time is to help another. 

So I decided to walk my talk. I pulled myself off the floor.  Joined my mastermind group.  Then went on to work with my clients the rest of the day.

I share this story because I am acutely aware that the pandemic has tripled the rate of depression in US adults in all demographic groups.  From teens to the elderly. Men and women.  Black, Asian and White, many are suffering. 

You likely feel like you’ve lost something (a normal way of life) and aren’t sure if you’ll ever have it back again.

There is no way to avoid dark moments or completely relieve anxiety and depression. But research shows that by turning our attention to helping and making a positive difference in someone else’s life, we make everyone feel better– ourselves included. 

I don’t need to tell you how you can give compassion and kindness every day, but here are a few of my favorite ways to shift anxiety, depression, or a dark moment when it hits. 

• Have compassion for others’ mistakes.  When a friend or loved one makes a mistake, seek to understand why they might have behaved as they did instead of playing judge and juror. I find the best question to ask myself in these moments is, “Has there ever been a time I’ve made a similar mistake?”  My compassion surges once I answer.
• Make a positive difference in someone’s life.  Make a surprise drop-off of Dunkin Donut Holes or coffee, pick up some tulips from the florist —one for you and one for someone else — and leave on someone’s front steps, let somebody merge in front of you in traffic, or hold a door for a stranger. It may not seem like a huge gesture, but the LITTLE things make the most significant difference.
• Use your words. Words have power, and your comments matter.  Be the kind of person who builds others up.  Share a compliment. Catch someone doing something right. Thank them. Remind someone you love them. All of these can be done in person or by sending a hand-written note. I think we too often fall into the trap of thinking people know how much they mean to us, but they can’t read your mind. Speak up, let those around you know what they mean to you.
• Practice the art of listening. Listening shows a person you care that they are seen and that they matter. Call someone and be curious. Ask better questions. Sometimes I get specific. “Tell me something good.”  It moves their attention and my own.

The day I lost my book reminded me that the surest way to move my attention away from focusing on my mistakes, disliking myself, and interpreting myself in the worst possible light is focusing on and helping someone else. 

Be like a light, and turn yourself and others on!  

And remember, everything will be ok!  Even when I thought it wouldn’t, it always has been.  And always will be.

With love,

~Rita

One of the special things I get to see doing the work I do, is the love of fathers. I talk with a lot of men in depth daily.

Initially, what brings us into conversation is to overcome the logistical, internal, and external obstacles in their career, leadership or business. We do this.

But inevitably, our conversations turn to another topic—their children. “I want to ask you one other thing.” “I’m worried about my son.” “Can I get your take on this?” Or sometimes they close their eyes and say, “I really messed up with my kid this week. I need some help.”

As the conversation shifts, something within them shifts too. It’s visible. Suddenly these men who are leading scores of people, running companies and leaping trains in a single bound — they soften. There is no ego in the game. Their hearts widen. Their life’s priority is now on the table.

They light up as they share stories of their kid’s success at the swim meet. How smart she is or how something he said cracked him up.

Other times these fathers worry about their teen’s anxiety, a son who is being bullied, or how their decisions will affect their children in the future.

What they all share in common, regardless of how they express or demonstrate their love, is that they love deeply.

There isn’t a man whose eyes don’t tear up when he ‘sees’ the impact of who he is ‘being’ with his children. When he understands how much his child yearns for his love and validation in these moments, most can’t wait to leave and go express what they haven’t said before.

In addition, the motivation the father previously didn’t have to change things for himself, now has a greater reason ‘why’ and is easier to do when it’s for his child as well.

Recently, a seasoned leader and father could see how hard a time his son was having with a life decision. The father accurately sensed his son was resistant to do what was true for himself, because he thought it would disappoint his father.

The father told his middle-aged son that no matter what choice his son made, he would always love him unconditionally.

The conversation was emotional, life-changing and set his son free.

To use the words of Oprah…this I know for sure…no matter how well fathers speak or demonstrate their love (or not), no matter whether their days reflect their value of family (or not)—they care deeply and are doing the best they can to love their family.

If you are a father, thank you. It is not an easy job but certainly an important one.

And remember there is no way to be a perfect father, but a million ways to be a really good one.

The best of these is to take care of you. Grow you. Be available and choose your own happiness.

The most direct route to improving your child’s life is to improve your own— emotionally, physically and spiritually. Be their model. There is a direct trickle down when you do.

Finally, as you spend your days trying to give much, remember the greatest gift you can ever give your child is free, that is, to tell him or her, “you are unconditionally loved by me.”

Happy Father’s Day!

With love,

~ Rita