gratitude

A Personal Note of Gratitude From Me

gratitude

 

As I am thinking about what I am grateful for this week, one of those things is YOU.

When I started my coaching work 20+ years ago I made a commitment to do my best to help improve others’ well-being and performance so that together we could impact the lives of many more.

I vowed to do this one person at a time — even if it took me until I was 90!

Well, a lot has happened since those initial days when I left my corporate job all those years ago and I could never have done that without YOU!

The truth is — you are my inspiration every day when I sit down at my desk. You’ve made me a better person.

It’s at this time I want to thank you for…

Daring to do it your way

Being willing to be seen authentically

Exposing your truth even when it’s uncomfortable

Leading from vulnerability instead of vigilance

Taking action when it’s not easy

Being among the small percentage committed to living their dream

Getting back up after you fall

Speaking the truth when it’s unpopular

Not waiting until you’re confident or it’s the right time

Thinking bigger about your contribution to the world

Remaining calm in the midst of chaos

Being grateful for your blessings

Doing the work to let go of your past hurts

Seeking to master your emotions

Understanding others’ feelings and having compassion for them

Stepping through your fears and loving deeper…

And most importantly in the moments when you don’t do these things, love yourself anyway!

Thank you for recommitting day after day to bring your best to the world even on the days when it’s hard.

I am in deep gratitude that the stars aligned and we share this journey together.

Remembering at this time of unrest in our world that the most impactful way to change the world is to change ourselves!

The best is yet to come!

~Rita

simplicity

Embracing the Power of Simplicity

simplicity

 

When I write you each month there are times I don’t know what I will say. Then I ask myself what I need to hear at this time. What advice or inspiration do I want to hear? What do I need to practice? It’s then that my message comes to me.

No matter how I looked for something profound, I kept returning to what may sound simple.

I received a note from a friend this week. I only get to see her a couple of times a year but I love being with her wit, intelligence, humor, and heart. She lost her husband to brain cancer a few years ago. Her three kids are the same ages as mine. She tells me I’m an inspiration to her, but it’s she who is an inspiration to me.

She reminded me that I had given her a book this past summer that made an enormous impression on her. She wrote that she recently gave another copy of that exact book to a friend whose son had just been placed in a psychiatric Intensive Care Unit as a result of his intent to harm himself.

She ordered the book to the family. The family was so moved by the book that they obtained permission for the boy to keep it in the ICU where he is otherwise allowed nothing.

The book is called The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to do so. If you have read it, you already know it’s good to read it again.

It’s a story about four different and unlikely friends — the boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse — who meet along the way, each uniquely sharing their fears, hurts, friendship, and kindness.

The book is for everyone from eight to eighty as the author accurately shares within its first pages.

I read the book again this week. You can finish it in one sitting. As I did, I jotted down parts of the conversation between the unsuspecting friends who spoke to me. I wanted to share some of those with you in the event that they might speak to you too.

“One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things.”

“Isn’t it odd? We can only see our outsides, but nearly everything happens on the inside.”

“Being kind to yourself is one of the greatest kindnesses.”

“Sometimes we all feel lost.”

“The truth is we are all just winging it.”

“Everyone is a bit scared, but we are less scared together.”

“‘What is the bravest thing you’ve ever said,’ asked the boy. ‘Help,’ said the horse.”

“When have you been at your strongest?” asked the boy. “When I have dared to show my weakness.”

“Life is difficult but you are loved.”

“Nothing beats kindness.”

“We are here to love and be loved.”

“When the big things feel out of control, focus on what you love right under your nose.”​

Their conversation is simple — and profound. (Turns out those characteristics aren’t mutually exclusive.)

Unfortunately too often we humans tend to value the things that are big, complex, difficult, or grandiose.

We miss the magic of the small, easy, and simple exchanges in our everyday interactions. The things that are truly meaningful.

At this time of year, it is particularly easy to allow ourselves to get lost in the hype of big, difficult, and complex. “There’s so much to do,” we tell ourselves. We thereby cultivate the very existence we don’t want. We miss the parts that give life meaning.

This season I am committing to embrace more simplicity. To refrain from making things harder than they need to be and instead to connect more with others. To give a smile to a stranger. Share a favorite book with a friend. Say out loud the compliment I’m thinking in my head. Give my full attention to a child. Call a person who may be in need of a friend. Listen to where my intuition guides me.

In doing so, I know I’ll be in connection with the Divine, myself, and others. This is where life has meaning. This is what really fuels joy.

This week we began the sixth annual holiday drive for homeless students in my town. There currently are over 101 students in K-12 who are without a stable, adequate, or fixed home. We are looking to make sure each one of them goes home with something as they leave school to celebrate the holidays.

I like to think that perhaps their gift will remind them that they are not alone and that they are loved — even by strangers.

Keep it simple. We are all interconnected. Remember that your one small act of kindness may change — or save — a life.

And when life starts to feel heavy or unwieldy this season, I encourage you to open The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse and read a page. I am confident its simplicity and truth will return you to your center and the simplicity you crave.

As the holidays approach, may we set the intention and make the choices to allow for more simplicity, ease, calm, connection, and gratitude for what is right before us.

Sending much love-

~Rita

 

P.S. If you’d like to give to students without a home, you can Venmo a donation to @EWTeam or contact me directly to find out more. This year we are qualified to receive corporate gifts and donations from foundations. Thank you!

peace

The Power Of Your Peace

peace

I’m diverting from what I was originally going to publish this week, to share what’s on my mind.

It’s hard to escape the pain and darkness of our world at this time. My thoughts are on our brothers and sisters in Israel and others in the region who are suffering greatly.

Then there’s the pain in our own communities. This week we unexpectedly lost a member of our community — a father, husband, business leader and friend — whose pain was too great to remain in this world.

Combine the world and community’s pain with our own personal challenges and it can be a lot.

In fact, it can be really easy in times like these to get pulled in, lost, and stuck in the senseless behavior and happenings of the world.

But it is in these times of extreme noise and chaos that I am reminded how important it is to slow down. To listen to my internal guidance instead of the noise that will leave me incapable of serving myself and others.

A shaman I apprentice with describes it like this. “Be in this world — not of this world.” When we are of this world we become lost and stuck in the craziness. Our nervous systems become fried. We become weak, sick and die. When we do this we cannot be truly helpful.

There is a LOT of evidence that demonstrates feelings are contagious. Much like a cold, they spread.

Doesn’t it make sense then that if we are to be truly helpful that maintaining inner peace be our #1 priority?

But how do we do that when the noise is so loud?

I’ve found creating a daily practice of peace is one way. Spending more time in gratitude. Taking 5 minutes to be still. Saying a prayer. Listening to soothing music. Taking a walk in nature. Setting an intention to bring peace to my relationships and interactions throughout the day. Knowing what takes me out of peace and being on the lookout to respond instead of react the next time I have a chance.

Thursday my husband spoke with a colleague in Israel who described what he and others are experiencing at this time. The man said his neighbor’s son was one of the soldiers killed in the initial attacks in the south of Israel. The family had a funeral at their home. My husband’s Israeli colleague said 3000 neighbors came to be with the family. He reported everyone is doing what they can for each other. They are giving extra. Truck drivers are leaving their roles to drive the tanks as women are volunteering to help with burying soldiers.

I think to myself if they can do that while in so much pain, can’t I take 10 minutes of my day to cultivate the peace within so I have it to give to others?

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change in one state can result in large differences in a later state. What this means is that your smile to a stranger, your note of encouragement to a colleague, your extra patience with your child, your asking a friend “how are you really?” and listening to the response —- these things matter. They have the power to change the conditions of one person’s state which goes onto ripple out to 1000’s more.

At a time of senseless happenings and turmoil, be the peace that you and those around you need right now. Be in this world, not of this world. Don’t put your finger in the electrical socket.

We are able to lead and serve best when we are at peace. Being able to be at peace in the midst of chaos is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, our friends, family members, and those across the sea.

Now more than ever find your practice that brings you peace. If you don’t have one, you can borrow St. Francis’ Peace Prayer.

And never underestimate your power to change a person or the world around you by the power of your peace.

The St. Francis Peace Prayer

​Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, and joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may never seek so much

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

running toward

What Are Your Running Toward?

running toward

 

I was recently interviewed for a magazine article where I was asked questions about my work and life.

We discussed things including what my business stands for, who I am at the core, my fears, what I’m excited about ahead, and what I do when overwhelm strikes.

I know you already know some things about me. Like that, I see self-awareness as the greatest competitive advantage of our time.

But did you know that I’ve struggled with resistance to what I want most everyday of my life? In this interview, we discussed that and more.

Since my intention for this Monthly Journal has always been to share myself authentically so that we may evolve and advance together, I thought I’d share this interview with you today.

Maybe you’ll identify with a part of it or it’ll provoke you to ask yourself some new questions about your ‘why’ and what you’re running toward.

This time of year brings with it a sense of reflection and renewal. May it bring you to a deeper understanding, knowing, and loving of you!

 

What are the core values of your business?

RH: Generosity, commitment, integrity, kindness, and authenticity.

What does your business do?

RH: In an uber-fast-paced world, we help individuals overcome the resistance to unleash the best work of their career so that they can be the best leaders, spouses, parents, and friends they want to be.

Why do you believe people do business with you?

RH: People know I am 100% in their corner the moment they start to work with me. That I’m as passionate as they are about getting the best version of their work and life into the world. I have over 20 plus years of being a coach, but more importantly, I walk my talk.

What sets you apart from your competition?

RH: I have something that other coaches are missing — it’s not just a nice-to-have conversation — I get paid for results. I use the best of neuroscience, transformational psychology, and a bit of spiritual wisdom along with my half-century of life experience to create real change. It’s a change that’s sustainable long after the coaching is complete and is noticed and starts from the first time we meet.

What sets your approach apart from others?

RH: Your job performance cannot be separated from your personal history or your life outside of work. Skill and talent cannot be fully deployed and leveraged without having the x-factor — or what I refer to as The Inner Game Advantage. Too many individuals are still limiting their search for personal and professional advancement to increasing training, expertise, work effort, or accessing a new strategy. My approach is goal-oriented but it undeniably demands a level of self-examination that is rare in corporate life. You’re asked to peel away your defenses, explore the underlying motivations that drive you, and look at the impact your behavior is having on the key people in your life. The process leads you to a path of self-understanding and transformation.

Tell me a bit about you. The person behind your brand.

RH: I had early lessons in leadership. From a young age, I began to understand the intricacies of leadership through the example set by my father. As a Colonel in the U.S. Army, he embodied discipline, commitment, selflessness, and integrity – traits that would later become central to my philosophy of leadership. I have observed and tested many leadership styles. I have an insatiable appetite for observing what makes people tick and what empowers them to become greater versions of themselves.

On a personal note, I am relatable. I love to laugh. I see the world as a place in extreme need of unleashing the skills and talents individuals already possess. I see things others don’t see and can relay the information in a way others can use for real change. I’m passionate about wanting to help others experience the highest version of themselves, but I don’t need or want to be in the limelight. I enjoy being with my clients as they cross the finish line.

​What do people not know about your work?

RH: Probably that behind my work to create happy, high-performers is my bigger mission to build self-aware leaders who become models of the kind of interactions and attitudes we want to see in our families, teams, and companies. I want the individual I work with to positively affect 1,000 others.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

RH: As enthusiastic as I am about the possibility and creating new things, I have been battling resistance my whole life. Resistance is that feeling of not wanting to do something that you know is good for you or that you decided previously you should do. That I am more shy than I appear. That I’m always challenging myself to be more self-aware because I love the feeling of greater freedom on the other side. That I‘m a bit of a protector, such that when I see someone being unkind I’m going to get involved. It’s the one thing that will get me off the sidelines most quickly. I don’t know that it’s always a good thing. I also like to defy the odds. When someone tells me something is impossible, I consider that ‘game on.’

What person (real or TV character) would best represent you or the brand of your company and why?

RH: If I could have anyone represent my company it would likely be the Spanx founder, Sara Blakey. She’s spunky, courageous, direct, bold, and funny. She has a young family and success. She demonstrates that you can have both professional success and a robust personal life.

​What brand of shoes would best represent your brand and why?

RH: Oh wow. I don’t know the exact brand, but it’s one that is solid, sustainable, more expensive, not trendy, but built to last. Quiet luxury is my favorite. It feels comfortable looks great and has a classical flash in a new way.

​What famous person or celebrity are you most like? Go ahead, be truthful.

RH: I’d love to be a cross between Sara Blakey, Maya Angelou, and Diane Keaton. Sara for her boldness and results-oriented self. Maya for her sage-like wisdom, grace, strength, and presence. Diane for her classic, cool style and fun! Hah! I guess a happy, bold sage is what I’m aiming for!

What is the driving reason why you’re in business? Why does this business exist?

RH: Because as Maslow’s needs suggest, the highest of our needs is to self-actualize, to know our highest potential, and to test our edges. But Maslow estimates that less than 1% ever will do this. This means there is a world of individuals in positions of leadership who are operating at a fraction of their potential. Who will never become who they are here to be and even worse will never fulfill their purpose to serve others, have fun, and enjoy their life while they do. I’m here to build brigades of self-actualized leaders who improve the world.

What is your dream?

RH: That one day what we’re talking about here — understanding how powerful we are and how to unlock that to serve ourselves and others — is mainstream. Knowing the science of how we create and self-understanding is taught in grade school. It’s not philosophy and longer — it’s physics. We do a disservice waiting until we are halfway through our lives to unlearn all the things we learned that don’t serve us.

What are you most looking forward to?

RH: My upcoming new program that my team and I have been working on. It’s a hybrid group coaching and private coaching program designed so that more who want to get the inner game advantage can do so. I am really excited about it!

​Do you ever get overwhelmed or afraid?

RH: Heck ya! Everyday. Fear is innately within us. It’s not a matter of if we feel fear. It’s what we do with it when it shows up. My goal over the last several decades has been to continually reduce the amount of time I am led by fear and the lag time between when it strikes and my next action. I may experience it less, but I still experience it.

What do you do when you get overwhelmed or afraid?

RH: I ask myself, what I am afraid of. Once I have my honest answer I ask, is it true? In most cases, my fear isn’t true and is a story I made up. Simply seeing things accurately shifts me. I also will ask if I can deal with whatever the worst-case scenario is that I fear.

​What you’re reading right now:

RH: Do the Work by Steven Pressfield

Favorite book:

RH: The Choice by Edith Eger. It found me at the exact right time.

Favorite guilty pleasure…

RH: A glass of wine before dinner

Favorite part of the day…

RH: The silence of the early morning before anyone’s awake.

What you’d want to be if you weren’t a coach

RH: A country singer for certain!

relationship advantage

The Relationship Advantage

relationship advantage

Several years ago I was sitting around a room with a group of women who I used to meet with regularly. A few were talking about their relationships with their spouses when one woman looked at me and said, “You have a great relationship. How do you do it?”

The question took me aback. Like many couples, my husband and I disagree and can get annoyed with each other and even get into arguments. I’d never thought about my relationship being particularly better than others, but by the additional comments of the other women there, it was clear they did.

I began by saying, “Don’t make the mistake of thinking we are perfect and that ‘stuff’ doesn’t happen. Just this week, my husband had the family’s long-haired cat, Beau, shaved with Lion’s cut while I was gone. I am still upset about it.” They roared with laughter. Likely the combination of my husband’s ‘interesting’ choice and an appreciation for my transparency.

But this week when I was walking with a friend and she too asked how I make it work in my relationship, it got me thinking about relationships and the fundamentals of a healthy one.

​
From my hundreds and hundreds of conversations with clients and over 20+ years of marriage, here are a few hacks that will give your relationship an advantage.

​

  • Do your work. Not your job. Not your career profile. But truly get to know yourself so that you can know what you really want and be available to receive it. I did a lot of work before getting into my relationship which means I didn’t bring as many of my defenses, blindspots, and insecurities into it. That doesn’t mean there aren’t things I’m still learning from my relationship. But I learned long ago that relationships are our teachers. They will bring to the surface what we still need to learn. To experience the kind of relationship that’s possible for you, you’ve got to be willing to do the real work. Ask yourself… What am I truly worried or afraid of that is triggering me in my relationship right now?

​

  • Own your part. This means owning the piece that is yours. We’re 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship. It can be easy to blame others for a problem. It reflects a high level of intelligence to be able to see things without judgment. Be curious and humble. Maybe you’ve trained the person to treat you a certain way or you haven’t communicated clearly what you want. It’s not about blame but instead exposing where you’re playing a role. Once you own your part, your ego quiets itself, you become less defensive, get what you are meant to learn, and can effectively resolve any conflict. Ask yourself…How am I unwittingly contributing to what I am blaming another for? What part am I responsible for?​
    ​
  • Find the good. It’s there. The other day a friend mentioned how impressed she was with her husband’s handling of their son’s crashing the family car into the garage. Normally impatient, he was calm and didn’t get upset. I asked if she’d mentioned to her husband how well he’d handled the situation. She hadn’t. It’s important to affirm what we want to see more of in our relationships. To be generous with our compliments. As humans, we are inherently drawn to see the negative. It’s our built-in self-protection mechanism. The problem is we get more of where our attention is. What I am saying is to catch the good in action and say it out loud. Not only will it move your attention and improve your relationship, but you’ll also get more of what you want. What is going right that I can affirm?

​

  • Be clear. Ask for what you want. Too often we’re hoping and expecting others will understand us. Long gone are the days I’d use hope as my strategy in my relationship. Working on something and hoping my husband would see it or be grateful is not clear enough. Today, I’ll say “I’d really like…” or “I’m about to tell you something, and I am simply looking for you to listen— no solutions necessary.” Or “When I speak right now, I need you to be patient before you respond.” What happens is I get exactly what I want, and he isn’t frustrated that he’s let me down. The same holds true at work. Be clear. “What I want is…”

​

  • Be vulnerable. Early in my marriage, my husband scheduled a “financial summit” between the two of us. After a few minutes, I started crying. I told him I couldn’t continue and needed to step away and return later. I needed to see what was coming up. He granted me the space. Once I’d identified a deep belief that I was not smart with money and where it came from, I shared this with him. It turned everything around. I didn’t erroneously project my emotion on him and he could practice patience and compassion for me around this topic. “This is something I’ve learned or observed about myself. I’m working on it and ask that you have patience and compassion for me as I do.”

​

  • Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Don’t stop until you get to the root of the wart. In the situation where the cat was given Lion’s cut, I could focus and yell about what he did — and I did — but eventually, I asked a better question: “What do you really want?” His answer gave us something we could both work with. My response was, “Ok, you don’t have to shave the cat next time to get that.” Ask another…“What is it you really want?”

​
Beyoncé once said, “If everything was perfect, you would never learn and you would never grow.” This is especially true in relationships.

Remember sometimes our greatest points of conflict in relationships are opportunities to investigate our own beliefs and patterns of behavior.

​
Cheers to your opportunities for growth. On the other side is peace, love, and freedom — and who doesn’t want more of that?

Affectionately,

~Rita

placebos nocebos

Placebos, Nocebos, and The Power of Your Imagination

placebos nocebos

 

Recently, I’ve been challenged by rotator cuff pain. Truth be told, it’s not recent. It’s been painful for over nine months. I’ve been waiting for it to ‘self-correct.’ Something my body always did when I was young.

If you listened to me talk about it, you’d hear me saying things like, “I’m getting old.” “I don’t think it’s going to heal without surgery.” “This is what happens when you age.”

As I succumbed to the realization that my shoulder was not going to self-correct, I went this week to my first physical therapy session. I was tearfully repeating these very things to my new physical therapist when it occurred to me: I know better.

The mind can create real, measurable changes in the body — and I was overdosing on negative thoughts and wishes.

Stop for a moment. Close your eyes. See a fresh plump lemon. Glossy with bright yellow skin. You pick it up and slice it into the lemon. As you cut into it, you see the juice spray out and drip down your fingers. Now you place a lemon wedge into your mouth and suck all the juice right out of it. Does your mouth pucker or fill with saliva?

You just experienced the mind-body connection. This visualization is a simple but powerful way to show you how the mind and body unite.

Years ago I got really taken with the power of the mind-body connection. When I was just beginning to learn the power of our mind’s ability to impact our body, I became fascinated with stories of spontaneous remission and people overcoming the most debilitating illnesses that seemed impossible without medical intervention.

At the time I soaked it all in, but the healings seemed more like miracles than anything scientifically valid.

Then I learned about the placebo effect which is mainstream science’s recognition of the fact that the mind can create real, measurable changes in the body.

The placebo effect is when patients think they’re getting a new drug, but what they’re really getting is a sugar pill. Then they start to recover from their ailment as though they’d been taking the real deal.

It turns out you don’t even have to be sick for it to have an effect. In a study at the University of Glasgow, researchers told fifteen runners that they were being administered drugs and then asked them to run a race. The runners’ race times increased significantly even though they were getting only saline injections.

The placebo effect provides proof that when we believe we are going to get better or feel better, we often do. It’s a testament to the power of the mind to affect the body with mere suggestion.

But did you know that there is a flip side to this? It’s called the nocebo effect. It’s what happens when you’re given a sugar pill and are told it’s a drug that has terrible side effects. Believing you’re taking a real medication, many people actually begin to experience the warned-about side effects.

A documented case of the nocebo effect occurred when a twenty-six-year-old man who was participating in a clinical trial on antidepressants was rushed to the hospital after an attempted overdose. He took 29 of the pills. When he arrived at the hospital, his blood pressure dropped to dangerously low, near-death levels and he was sweating, shaking, and breathing. When the doctor from the clinical trial arrived at the hospital, he realized that the young man had been in the placebo group. The young man hadn’t overdosed on medication. He had overdosed on his negative thoughts.

Dr. John Kelley, Ph.D., deputy director of Harvard Medical School’s Program in Placebo Studies and Therapeutic Encounter says, “It’s the power of imagination…Just imagining something is happening is enough to activate those portions of the brain associated with that thought, or worry, or pain.”

I bring this topic up not to whine about my rotator cuff, but because I know right now you or someone you love may be worried about something. Maybe it’s health scares or treatments or even an impending surgery.

Any of these can be challenging by themselves. Even to the most resilient, any one of these can feel downright debilitating.

But it’s important to remember —as someone who forgot — that we are actively participating in our mental and physical wellness with every thought.

As for my rotator cuff, after one physical therapy session along with my decision to stop judging, insulting, and expecting the worst from my body, I woke the next day pain-free. I’d slept through the night without waking from pain for the first time in months.

I called it a “miracle” when I saw the therapist two days later.

Whether it was or it was a result of moving my thoughts, imagining something better, or the treatment I’d received, I didn’t care.

My mind and body were connecting, proving my new thought —“Every day I’m getting and feeling better.”

memorial-day

Memorial Day Is Personal To Us All…

memorial day

 

“No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.” Thomas Campbell


Happy Memorial Day!

I’ll make this short as you may have parades to attend, barbecues to host, or a date with an iced tea in your backyard this afternoon.

Early this morning I was talking with a young physical therapist who I‘ve come to know over the last year. We got to talking about Memorial Day.

I knew from previous conversations that we both have fathers who have served in the U.S. Army and in war.

Today she shared that her father had several deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. At 54 years old he now suffers from PTSD and TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).

Our fathers were fortunate not to have paid the ultimate sacrifice of their lives. But like so many who we honor today, the things that they did changed the trajectory of their lives, our country — and our lives.

It is in these moments I think about how connected we all really are. How united we are to those even from previous centuries. For what we’ve learned from history is so often one decision — one brave action — would have changed everything.

It’s the Butterfly Effect at work.

Memorial Day is the perfect opportunity to take a step back and remember those who have played a part in creating the life we enjoy.

Remember the fallen. Thank those who served — and also savor the moments you have with each other today, knowing lives were sacrificed for us to enjoy them.

May we relish the goodness today, no matter what form it takes. May we linger in the moments. And may we remind ourselves that we get to savor this moment because someone served and sacrificed in order for us to do so.

For that, we are eternally thankful. 🙏

plain sight

What Was In Plain Sight…

plain sight

Years ago (nine to be specific) I was on Oprah. That may sound glamorous, but I was not on Oprah for the reason someone like me would dream of being on Oprah.  It was when my oldest daughter was 10 years old.  

There was a popular conscious parent coach named Dr. Shaefali who was looking for kids to interview about relationships with their parents for a two-part series. Clips from the conversation would be used during the live show with Oprah and the kids’ parents in the audience.

My daughter was one of the kids interviewed.

When my husband and I arrived with the rest of the audience on the day of the live taping with Oprah and Shefali, the producers took my husband and me aside to ask if we were willing to be mic’d up. That was when I heard a producer’s radio, “Please seat the Hylands in the front row.”

Oh no. I hadn’t planned on this. I started to sweat. My husband whispered reassuringly, “I never thought this was a good idea.” 

When the lights went on and the show began, my daughter’s face appeared on a two-story screen. Dr. Shefali asked the group of children, “If there were a couple of things you could tell your parents about how to be a better parent, what would you want them to know?”

My daughter’s response: “Sometimes when I feel pressure and I talk to my mom about it, I don’t really need her to always go into a working mode of how you can solve things and fix things, sometimes I just need — this next word comes out slowly —  a hug.”

Either a mic dropped or my heart did.

At that point, the camera shot over to my husband and me in our seats. Oprah turned toward us announcing, “We have Casselry’s parents with us in the studio audience today.”

Oprah directed the next question to me: “When you hear what your daughter has to say, are you surprised?”  

In part, I was stunned. The other part of me was not. At that moment, I realized how often I was running around trying to function — get things done, raise three young kids, meet the demands of work —  so much that I wasn’t aware of how I was listening or speaking to my daughter and what she truly wanted in these moments.

After this international humbling, I committed to doing a better job listening, to be there for her and all of my kids — to be present.  

Unfortunately, I still hadn’t gotten it.

Fast forward years later and she’s a teenager.  We’re having a conversation where she’s struggling with something. I started offering solutions to the problem — I wanted to try to take her struggle away.  She got irritated with me. I’d been here before.  She was irritated by the way teenagers too often are with their parents. Her response was, “You don’t understand. You don’t get it.”  

And she was right. It had been in plain sight for years, but I’d missed it.

What I realized is that I was so busy trying to fix something it turns out she wasn’t asking me to fix. I was pushing my own agenda to get things accomplished or remove her pain because of what I interpreted that may say about me as her mother.  

Worst of all, I realized that each time she came to talk to me in her moment of uncertainty and I provided ways to fix her struggle, I was actually making her MORE uncertain, MORE insecure.  

The thing is I hear the same thing in my conversations with adults — key contributors, experts, and leaders themselves in their craft — people like yourself or those who report to you.  

They say something similar to what I heard my daughter say. “My manager doesn’t get it. He doesn’t listen. He only sees things one way.” “My manager, she’s got her own way of doing things. She doesn’t understand.”

And here’s the worst part about these moments: it’s not what’s said on the surface — that we don’t get it. It’s the underlying message that’s often interpreted when we try to solve others’ problems or fix things even when we’re not being asked.

The message delivered is either:

I don’t believe in you and your abilities enough to figure this out on your own.

 – or – 

I am so uncertain and insecure at this moment, that I need to pile on solutions to take me out of my own discomfort. 

Both of these messages —  whether we are aware of it or not — compound any existing uncertainty an individual already has.

Why is this important? Because…

INSECURITY MASKS WISDOM.  

We are in the midst of a period of mass uncertainty. For the last few years, we couldn’t be confident what was happening 48 hours from now. Add the rise and fall of the economy, the perceived unreliability of banks, job lay-offs, and weekly shootings in our schools and churches, not to mention life’s own organic disruptions —  and you have a breeding ground for uncertainty and insecurity.

When a person is insecure and uncertain their access to their wisdom — meaning their solutions, creative ideas, and next steps — is blocked. 

And as I was doing with my daughter, when we move too quickly to ‘fix’ others’ struggles, we unwittingly contribute to the uncertainty which undermines and blocks their wisdom. 

Whether you’re a parent, coach, or corporate leader — providing space and confidence is a key part of managing and leading people — especially in uncertain and changing times. 

When we don’t insist on pushing our solutions on others we often notice a surprising thing happening. Individuals, teams, and even our children begin to unravel and resolve the problem themselves. As a result, they become more engaged and empowered.

Bottom line: We will never rid the world or others of uncertainty and insecurity, but we certainly can avoid contributing to it. 

I’ve finally seen what was in plain sight all along. 

Today, when my children come to me with their struggles or problems, you’ll hear me saying, “I’m sorry; that stinks; that never feels good; it’s hard being a kid today.”   

At other times, you might find me simply giving — a hug.

patience-in-the-middle-places

Patience In the Middle Places

patience-in-the-middle-places

The truth. I’ve struggled with my relationship with patience my whole life. I believed that if something should or could be done, then why not right now?

The faster the better.

For example, recently when the temperatures dropped to sub-zero in the Midwest, the door to my car’s gas tank froze shut. I wasn’t going anywhere. There was gas in the tank. I had access to several other cars available in the driveway. But I wanted it fixed.

Right at that moment.

With that mindset, I went at it until I ripped the metal door right off the gas tank. Had I had patience, I would have waited for the temperature to rise the predicted 30 degrees that it did the next day. Surely, both my car and I would have been better off.

As I walked into my parent’s house holding the part of my car I’d ripped off, I asked myself, what just happened?

What I observed is how uncomfortable I am waiting in the middle place. That time in between when things aren’t fixed, or finished, or my ambitions that I’m so passionate about are not actualized. It’s the space in the middle that causes me unrest.

In those middle places, I find I am thinking about all of the things that need to happen and get done right now. I have places to go, and people to meet. I have aspirations calling my name that I want to realize. Maybe you feel this too.

I was led to believe by society that success was a product of going fast. Slowing down was for people who didn’t have anything to do or who had completed everything they wanted already.

Viewing life in this way, it’s easy to see why I’ve moved fast and had a chilly relationship with patience.

I’ve spent a lot of time hustling with the belief that it will allow me to slow down at some point. I rush now so I can move slowly in my ideal future life.

I believe we need to seek the balance between hustling to make things happen right now and embracing the place in between. It’s in this middle place that I know I gain clarity, grow myself, and have more real moments in my parenting, marriage, and work.

I know we all think we have someplace fast we have to go at this moment, but do we really?

If you’ve told yourself the story that you’ve got to go faster or you have to get this done at this moment, have you ever stopped to ask yourself, is it true?

What would be better in your life if you slowed down? If you didn’t buy into the story that ‘it’ needs to happen right now would your relationships, your marriage, your parenting, your work, or leadership be better off? What would happen if you weren’t constantly going so fast?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you might ask yourself: When is a good time to slow down? What is worth slowing down for? I asked myself these questions the day I observed how I resisted the middle place.

Sometimes being patient can feel like we’re giving up on our ambitions. It’s not.

Being patient doesn’t mean surrendering our ambitions. It means surrendering how they happen.

It’s far easier to be patient when you believe the Universe has a plan far greater than your own. Not everything is best when imposed with our timetable.

When we believe this, we trust. We slow down and we create the space to allow the universe (and others) to support us.

That ambition of yours that’s banging on your door, it’s coming. In the meantime, slow down, get comfortable, and embrace the space in between. It’s the good part.

In your corner,

~Rita

path to greatness

When Unexpected Problems Surface On Our Path To Greatness

path to greatness

As I walked in I could hear the sound of water dripping. I turned my head to see paint bulging from the walls. Plaster in areas was falling from the ceiling.

We had just returned home from our trip to celebrate the holidays with my extended family. As my husband and I walked from floor to floor, we quickly surmised that the Midwest’s “blizzard of 2022” and the cold temperatures it brought with it had caused a pipe to burst. The pipe had leaked for days starting on the top floor.

At that moment, all I could see before me was the extensive damage. Having recently renovated the house, I was well aware of the time and energy it would take to put it back together again. My enthusiasm to prepare for my next trip and the new year quickly waned.

Isn’t that the way? You’re motivated by your proclamations and plans for the year ahead, then the unexpected comes out of nowhere, and it quickly fizzles.

I don’t share this story to garner sympathy or be a victim. Twenty-five years ago that would definitely have been the case.

Today, the wiser, often calmer, and more poised me is sharing what I’ve learned because I want you to have a way to thrive in case unexpected problems have already surfaced on your path to greatness this year.

You know what I’m talking about. We catch the latest Covid variant, our best worker suddenly quits, someone complains about us to our boss, our computer breaks, our business system can’t handle the load we’re putting on it, the stock market drops again or our company announces lay-offs.

It would be good to have a way — an approach or formula — to act on the obstacles that life throws at us, wouldn’t it?

I found a way years ago to steady myself during these times of difficulty, which are a part of daily life.

The secret I learned is to turn every obstacle into an opportunity. To use it as fuel. In other words, to find the ‘backdoor benefit.’

I’m not saying to pretend it isn’t happening or say “this isn’t so bad.” I‘d never ask you to put lipstick on a pig. I am simply suggesting that you ask instead: “How can I make this good?”

Years ago, you would have heard about my chaos immediately. I’d have been consumed, telling anyone who would listen, spending days feeling like a victim, expending energy fighting something I couldn’t change.

Today, I pause, take a deep breath and get clear on the perspective I’m going to choose: “What’s the benefit of this?” I know I will find the opportunity if I keep calm, collected, and patient. I know that it’s only when I employ these three characteristics that I can deploy the other skills I need to overcome the challenge.

My husband might have thought I got to this point too quickly that day as we surveyed the blow. But as I write this on my birthday, another year older and hopefully at least a tad bit wiser — I am ever so aware that my time and energy are both limited but decreasing. I want to focus both of those resources on things I can control rather than suffer failed attempts to control those I cannot.

I’d be lying if I said my office and other rooms being taken down to the studs wasn’t disheartening. It’s in these moments, however, I know that I decide what I will make of each situation. That I control the story — if I even tell one at all.

I know we all will come across obstacles in the year ahead— large and small, fair and unfair. And we will discover again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure. Our reaction determines how successful we will be in overcoming and succeeding despite —or because of — our obstacles.

The night before my daughter returned to college from Christmas break, we watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love. She’d never seen it, and I hadn’t seen it in years. The main character played by Julia Roberts said something that stuck with me — “Ruin is the road to transformation.”

It confirmed what I’d been thinking: maybe I was being given a chance to make my next creation even better than the last.

This year my wish for you is that you never let a good obstacle stop you. When things go bump or even crash, remember to look for the opportunity for transformation before you. It served me to trust that the universe has my back even when I don’t understand its’ plan.

It’s on us to get back into the driver’s seat when difficult things happen. And they will. Sometimes every day. But when we turn our obstacles into opportunities, we can turn our own adversity into our advantage.

All my best,

~Rita

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