Tag Archive for: work life balance

Disassembling Old Patterns

Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance

Disassembling Old Patterns

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Have you ever found yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that feels this, or a part of me that behaves like that, and I don’t know why?” Perhaps there are times you react in ways that surprise even you? 

Do you ever attack when you feel threatened?  

Do you immediately fix things when you feel out of control? 

Do you overwork when you feel uncomfortable?

If you do, you are not alone. These are just a few of the coping mechanisms we use to protect us when we feel unsafe or things feel out of control.

The problem is that these protective patterns appear to work for us —  until they don’t. 

Often, it’s not until we find ourselves yelling at coworkers, losing patience with our kids, unable to listen without trying to fix something, micromanaging, being overly reactive or unavailable to those most important to us that we question what is really happening.

The thing is these protective patterns cost us even more as we increase our responsibility and influence.

The good news: we can disassemble and dissolve these destructive behaviors before they hurt our relationships, health, and careers any further. 

In this episode, I dive deep into unmasking these patterns of behaviors that up until now we may have seen as an integral part of our success. I’m sharing more of the common coping mechanisms that many of us use to protect ourselves when we feel unsafe, examine how these mechanisms form, why they persist, and, most importantly, give you a way to begin to address and transform them.

The Nature of Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are behaviors we’ve developed to rid ourselves from uncomfortable feelings such as fear, inadequacy, and unworthiness. These responses often start during stressful times, helping us to endure and self-protect. 

While they may have served us well in the past, these reactions often become unconscious habits as we grow older, turning into our Achilles’ heel. They can become destructive to our progress in our lives, careers, and relationships.

The Hidden Impact of Our Patterns of Behavior

One of the challenges of coping mechanisms is that they are often socially rewarded. White behaviors like overworking, being highly productive, or maintaining strict control over diets or exercise routines are praised, they often are distractions that mask deeper emotional distress.

For instance, I used to run from accomplishment to accomplishment to feel successful, numbing my deeper feelings of inadequacy. By constantly achieving, I believed the control would bring me safety. However, even after achieving what I thought would make me feel secure, inner peace and freedom still eluded me.

The Pursuit of Control

Most of us spend our lifetime trying to control things in order to feel safe. We convince ourselves that by controlling our environment or responses, we can shield ourselves from discomfort and pain. But this pursuit of control is short-sighted. We can never truly control everything or everyone around us, and our attempts to do so often worsen our inner turmoil. 

Action Steps to Disassemble Negative Coping Mechanisms 

Acknowledge and Validate

The first step in transforming these destructive patterns is to acknowledge their existence and validate the part of you that developed them as a means of protection. Recognizing what triggers you allows you to tap into underlying emotions that may have been buried or unrecognized for years. It’s crucial to understand that these emotions are valid, whether they stem from past experiences or current situations. 

When you validate the root cause that has gone unaddressed or unhealed, you can give it the air it needs to let something else in. By doing so, you’re not dismissing your feelings but allowing yourself to fully experience and understand them—a powerful first step toward healing.

Name the Triggers and Emotions

Begin addressing your coping mechanisms by identifying the specific people, places, and situations that trigger these behaviors. Name the feelings around them, whether it’s anger, fear, defensiveness, or something else. By doing so, you start to unravel the fears driving your actions, creating space for healing. 

Seek Support and Move Forward

The journey of self-discovery and transformation is not one you have to walk alone. Seeking help from professionals, trusted friends, or even a higher power can help you process unresolved feelings and dismantle old coping mechanisms. This support system is crucial as you work to rediscover your true self and step into a space of inner peace and freedom.

The next time you notice certain feeling or behavior, learn to:

  1. Acknowledge and Validate: Addressing any coping mechanism is to acknowledge that it exists and validate the part of you that developed it to protect yourself. This validation allows you to start the healing process.
  2. Identify Triggers: Take time to notice the people, places, and situations that trigger your coping mechanisms. Understanding these triggers can help you gain control over your reactions.
  3. Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Whether it’s from a higher power, a trusted friend, or a professional, getting support can make the journey to healing much more manageable.

Coping mechanisms are your mind’s way of protecting us, but they can become destructive if left unchecked. By acknowledging these behaviors, understanding their root causes, and embracing the discomfort that comes with healing, you can begin to dismantle these patterns and move toward the inner peace and freedom you’ve been seeking.

In this episode, I share:

  • A deeper understanding of the unconscious fears and feelings that drive negative behaviors.
  • The first step to understand why we are running and what uncomfortable feelings you aren’t willing to feel
  • Actionable steps to look at what triggers you and what to do instead of reacting to it this week

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Not Another Thing

another thing

 

“Rita”, she said, “You must embrace that you are worthy of unconditional love.”

‘What did she just say?!?’ I thought to myself as I sat in my first experience with a life coach over 25 years ago.

I’d decided to meet this woman after hearing about her and this young profession from a friend. My intention of the meeting was that she would help me identify a more satisfying career.

My first assignment, however, startled me: embrace that you are worthy just as you are.

Besides the fact that it felt uncomfortable, what did that have to do with me getting a satisfying career — or anything else I wanted for that matter?

What I hadn’t seen before was that most of my life I had been hustling to achieve, please and get it right because on a deep level I hadn’t believed I was worthy. Instead, I believed that if I accomplished and achieved enough I’d get there — I would be enough.

My belief had driven me to spend long hours perfecting my work, working out constantly, taking on assignments I didn’t want and accepting invitations I’d rather have declined.

Of course, I hadn’t seen any of this at the time, but it made sense. As long as I could remember, even after accomplishing a bunch of things or that one big thing, I didn’t feel the way I thought I’d feel —something always felt like it was still missing.

At the time of my meeting with this coach, I thought it was a different or better career that would give me the satisfaction and fulfillment I was yearning for.

So why am I sharing this and what does this have to do with you, your career, business or leadership?

What I am seeing today is that for many at this stage in their career and life, they are realizing that despite having accomplished those things that they thought would make them finally feel fulfilled or satisfied, they’re still missing the feeling of internal satisfaction.

And it’s frustrating because they’ve done all the things society told them to do and be, but they are not feeling what they thought they’d feel.

If you’re an entrepreneur, boss, or leader of a team and you have the title and the business results, but you struggle feeling worthy enough or you regularly deal with imposter syndrome, it will show up in your decision-making. You’ll second guess yourself, stagnate, possibly sabotage yourself and for sure keep hustling to feel that you are enough. If you’re stubborn like me, you may even do it until your body completely shuts down and forces you not to work so hard — or at all.

Let’s be clear, in all my years nobody has ever come to me saying they have a self-worth problem. Most — just like I did — believe they have a career problem, business problem, relationship or leadership problem — never a self-worth problem.

But by the numbers as Jamie Lima Kern reports in her new book, Worthy, 90% of women struggle with not feeling enough. 73% of female account executives battle with imposter syndrome and 70% of men have feelings of being inadequate.

These are big numbers!

So how do you know if you are struggling with not feeling enough?

If you struggle with speaking up in the big meeting, asking for what you want, resting, raising your hand for a new role, saying what you think, promoting yourself, enjoying who you are, holding a boundary, or working less — believing you are enough may be a place to explore.

When we feel worthy we overcome performance anxiety, we act on our great ideas, we face obstacles head on, we are generous with others, and we make better decisions. When we feel worthy we see things accurately and can enjoy what we have created without needing to do another thing.

 

What I am saying is we can spend our lives seeking the next level of accomplishments and we can do all the things we think will help us, for example, to slow down at work, but if we don’t believe that deep down we are worthy enough of working less — or in my case of a satisfying career — it will never happen.

Trying to feel fulfilled by accomplishing more is like threading a needle while wearing boxing gloves. It’s impossible, because while achievement can make you feel a lot of things — strong, proud, empowered, self-confident — it can never make you feel worthy.

I’m not saying that going after our goals and aspirations isn’t great, but when it is motivated by a belief that it will make us feel enough, we’re sure to be left unsatisfied.

The question we need to ask ourselves is what is our motivation for working so hard or seeking to achieve our next level. Is it for the joy of the experience? To test and know our edges? To make a positive difference? Or is it to fill a missing feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment within us?

The reason it matters is because nobody, no accomplishment, no external measure will ever give us that feeling, the unidentified missing feeling of fulfillment that we are enough as we are.

This is what my coach wanted me to get that first day. I’d made most of my decisions to that point based on the false belief that I was not enough, which had led me to making a series of poor decisions.

She wanted to make sure I didn’t continue that pattern as I made my next big decision.

We have to learn how to believe again that we are worthy. It’s not impossible. Since day one we’ve been worthy. It’s the world that convinced us we are not.

After having the honor and privilege to work with many people often much smarter than myself to improve their well-being and positive leadership imprint, I have learned that your self-worth is the foundation of your fulfillment. That you’ll never feel fulfilled without it.

The reality is that I still work on my self-worth everyday. I can see when I am stalling on an important decision, not accepting a challenge or not showing up as myself but as I think I should to get approval from others. It’s in these moments that I realize I am questioning my worth. It’s also then when I take a moment to do the very things I encourage my clients to do.

When you learn to feel that you are enough, it will allow you to stop working so hard. And while it may seem counter-intuitive, you’ll still be productive and achieve great things — you’ll just enjoy and be more satisfied while you do.

If you are someone who wants to slow down and enjoy what you have achieved, developing your self-worth is your first step.

One of my favorite ways to begin is with what I call a “Worthy List.” Start by noting what you want to do, feel, or experience. Write it down on a piece of paper or in a journal. Then in front of each of your desires, simply write, I am worthy to. It looks like this.

I am worthy to rest

I am worthy to sit still

I am worthy to be in this big meeting

I am worthy to take a vacation

I am worthy to sell this business

I am worthy to lead this account

I am worthy to be home in time for dinner

I am worthy to say what I want

I am worthy to step out of the office

I am worthy to say “no more” to the work that I don’t want to do

I am worthy to say “no thank you” to the invitation

Right now you are truly worthy exactly as you are, and it doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals, dreams and aspirations. It means you don’t pursue them with the belief that they will ever make you feel fulfilled. What you want is that when you do hit them, you are able to enjoy them. And if you don’t, you feel worthy, satisfied and fulfilled regardless!

Building your self-worth is the best decision you can make for your business, your team, your children, and your leadership.

There’s never been a better time to cultivate it!

All my best,

~Rita

Rethinking Getting Things Done (4 Tools to Make Better Choices with Your Time)

Rethinking Getting Things Done (4 Tools To Make Better Choices With Your Time)

getting things done

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn how to stop being motivated solely to getting things done and 4 game-changing techniques to make better choices with your time.

Time management. It’s something we are all too familiar with. I’m sure that if you are reading this right now, you have at some point wondered and tried to figure out “How do I get it all done?”

Here’s a truth for you: the quest to get it all done is not only a high-pressure one, it’s impossible.

Instead, I want to show you how to shift the focus of that quest from a draining one destined for unhappiness to a more fulfilling one that allows you to make better choices with your time and shows you that you are enough no matter how much you get done.

This last month I went on a summer adventure with my son to Slovenia. If you’re like me, perhaps you haven’t heard of Slovenia (until I agreed to this trip). It’s a European country located between Croatia and Turkey. We arrived in the morning a bit jet-lagged and realized we couldn’t get into our hotel room for another 4 or 5 hours.

Conveniently enough, there was an old mini-golf place right outside the back of the hotel. Game on! 

I walked up to the man working the counter and said “Hi, can we get two rounds of golf?” 

He looked up with an unenthused expression at best and slowly said – in an annoyed tone – “First, it’s ‘Hello.’ Now, yes. You can buy two rounds.”

I walked away confused. Had I just been schooled by the mini-golf man? A friend with us assured me that I had not imagined it. I’d thought I’d said hi and she affirmed that I did. So, needless to say, I was taken by surprise and slightly irritated. I was the client after all, right?

All week, I just could not get my first introduction to a Slovenian man out of my mind. I later asked my husband – who travels more than I do – what had happened and he believed the Slovenian man was most likely irritated because I was being like most Americans: moving too fast. 

I replayed the incident back in my mind revisiting what I could have done to take things a bit slower. Throughout the rest of our trip, I remained aware of my pace in comparison to other Europeans. Not only did I not want to annoy more of them, but I was also genuinely curious. 

One day, my friend pointed out that we were the only people among the Europeans walking so fast to get somewhere. And she was right. We were basically power walking whereas no one else was. What was I doing? It was a vacation after all. Where others lingered next to the lake sunbathing, eating, or simply being, we were steadily progressing through activity after activity.

I realized how crazy we Americans must appear to them. 

What is underneath this fast pace of ours?

As I do with most things that don’t feel right, I started looking deeper into it. Here’s what I uncovered…

This fast pace that we’re accustomed to is the byproduct of the pursuit of getting things done. Its primary intent is to maximize productivity and cross things off the list, even in some cases when there is nothing to get done — as when you are waiting for a hotel room in a foreign country at the start of your vacation. 

This really got me thinking. How long have I worked and strived to master my time? How obsessed or passionate have I gotten with crossing things off my to-do list?

After more than half a century of trying and never getting it done, I realized that getting it all done is never going to happen. I won’t ever reach the level of control in my life that I’ve been aspiring to reach for years. But contrary to what you may believe, this realization did not make me more anxious. It did the exact opposite. I felt calm and free. This battle with time no longer existed.

The challenging question was no longer “How am I going to get it all done?” It was now “What do I want to do and what do I want to drop?”

The key to freeing yourself from this struggle and any of its associated anxiety is to accept this truth rather than resist it. We have to surrender to the reality that we can’t do it all and honestly, we aren’t meant to do it all. 

Our challenge isn’t about managing getting everything done or getting everything done that others want from us —-that’s never going to happen —- but to decide what not to do and feel at peace about not doing it.  That is what we need to become better at.

If you want to reconfigure your life around what matters, you have to have this mental mind shift first. Once you accept that and get comfortable with the freedom that it provides, I have 4 concrete practical techniques for a life of more meaning and less struggle:

Do what is most important to you first.

Schedule a meeting for the first hour of your day with yourself for your most important work. My clients refer to this as their (MIW) and protect it as you would an appointment with your most respected client. Leaving your most important work to the end of the day is never a good idea or the right approach.  

Focus on what you have done rather than what you haven’t.  

This technique has been particularly helpful for my clients. It is so easy for us to forget what we have successfully accomplished. Instead of ending your day in a place of lack, I encourage clients to create a list of all they have done.  While you may enjoy crossing things off your to-do list, this technique prompts you to move those same items to your “Done” list to celebrate and move your attention to abundance and success versus only placing your attention on what is missing or their failure to do yet.

Decide to do only 1-3 projects at a time.

Too often we have 7-10 projects going at once and we never complete any which contributes to the struggle and anxiety.  Instead, choose 1 to 3 projects to focus your time on and postpone all the rest until you complete those projects first.  

Create a “drop list.” 

This is the list of those things that you will temporarily or forever drop.  If you find that every year or every month you are writing down the same thing on your list, be willing to release it and drop it. 

When we drop the illusion that we might get to a place where we feel in control of our life – an actual impossibility – we let go of the fast pace and crazy struggle which leads to more self-judgment and shame when we fail. 

With this understanding, it became suddenly clear why anxiety hit new high levels during the pandemic. In an uncertain world that felt out of control, many of us worked even harder to control it. Then people felt defeated and hopeless which created more anxiety. The struggle was endless and I believe it has led to a high rate of anxiety and burnout.  

My dear wise aunt recently gifted me the book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals which completely proved the theory that when the student is ready the teacher appears. 

In it, the author Oliver Burkeman states:

“What matters is learning to make decisions consciously rather than by default or deceiving yourself that with enough hard work you can get it all done.”  

Now, I have only read parts of this book so far, but if you feel like you are in a constant race, like there is never enough time, or you’re wondering if the work-life balance is real (which it is not) then I encourage you to check out Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. 

Before we wrap things up, I want you to know that later during the week of vacation with my son, we went back to play mini-golf and the same man was there again. I approached him and quite calmly said, “Hello.” I then paused, giving him time to respond.  “Hello,” he said in return.  Once our greetings were completed calmly on both ends, I asked for two rounds of golf.  He handed me two golf clubs and a ball and my son and I played.  I was civil, present, and calm.  Very different from my unconscious habit of being efficient in a culture that promotes efficiency and productivity I am used to. It felt good. It felt better. It was a perspective change and I had a choice on how I would show up. 

This week I encourage you to choose one of the four techniques I discussed and remember: we don’t have time to get it all done, but we have the time to get done what is important if only we choose it.

 

In this episode I share:

  • The life-changing lesson I was reminded of on a summer adventure with my son
  • The real reason why we’re constantly in a hurry and struggling to get it all done
  • 4 transformational techniques to help you get more of what matters done and reevaluate how you equate your worth with your productivity
  • What I believe has led to the uptick in anxiety and burnout throughout our experience in the pandemic
  • How to give yourself more credit and actually celebrate your wins

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How To Make Work Life Fulfillment A Reality For Women

how-to-make-work-life-fulfillment-a-reality-for-women

You can listen to the full podcast episode here:

As of February 2021, nearly 3 million women had left the workforce. That number has only risen since then, as women step out due to circumstances such as extreme burnout and a desperate desire to take a break from trying to achieve some sort of work-life balance. This is the story of many women in today’s workforce, as they want to make work-life fulfillment work for them, and yet today’s way of doing things is simply not sustainable. 

I heard this point of view firsthand when I recently spoke to a group of established female leaders at a premier recruiting firm. These women, like so many others that I talk to, are successful, talented, and looked up to by their peers. They are also overloaded and battle internally with how to do meaningful and life-changing work they do without sacrificing their personal life and family to do it. There is a solution that will allow female leaders everywhere to shift from the hustle and overwhelm to fulfillment and balance. 

The answer is not in working more, doing more, or being more. Working harder does not equal success. In fact, nothing in our external world actually has to change at all. The solution to achieving work-life fulfillment lies in paying more attention to our own blindspots and self-imposed limitations by internally activating. More specifically, when you align your identity with your desired future, you can become the bold, fulfilled female leader that you’ve always dreamed of being. Better yet, you can do all of this without sacrificing everything you’ve already worked so hard to create.

In this episode I share:

  • My perspective on today’s female workforce and their leaders
  • Specific steps to move from the overloading hustling female leader to the fulfilled female leader
  • The number one mistake I see being made over and over again when it comes to work-life balance
  • An analogy to explain how women can create work-life success and satisfaction at the same time
  • A question that every woman in their 40s and 50s should answer in order to thrive in this next decade.
  • 3 ways that the fulfilled female leader internally activates

More Resources: 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Re-Entering Your Old World Without Sacrificing Your Pace

Re-Entering-Your-Old-World-Without-Sacrificing-Your-Pace

You can listen to the full podcast episode here:

It’s finally happening. We are beginning to see the world reopen little by little. While this highly anticipated change is exciting, if you are like many you may also feel some anxiety building as you begin to go back to old routines. Whether it’s returning to long hours at the office, sitting frustrated in traffic during your commute, or traveling to sports and activities for your children – busyness is on its way back my friends. But what if you don’t want it to be? 

If you have incorporated new habits into your daily routine and found a slower pace over the last 15 months and a better work life balance, you don’t have to give that all up. Each of us can choose the pace in which we want to work and live. It’s time to take responsibility for designing the life we want and leading others to do the same. Let’s do away with the habits of the hurried hustler and instead spend our days with a greater ease, while also being productive and doing our most important work. Embrace this moment as an opportunity for a definitive new beginning. Are you with me?

In this episode I share:

  • The premise of boiling frog syndrome and how it relates to our current circumstances
  • Five ideas on how you can return to the world you once knew at a pace of your choosing
  • How to start the conversation about pace and work life balance with others in your life 
  • An invitation to hold onto what works for you while also making room for the new
  • Being a leader who drives change so you are not driven in the wrong direction
  • An announcement on how I am slowing down this summer to make space in my life

Join the waitlist for the Bold Leader Life School here. You’ll receive first access to details when they are released!

More Resources: 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

SUBSCRIBE ON ITUNES

© 2024 Rita Hyland | PRIVACY