I recall several years ago my husband leaving for two weeks to China. It’s not unusual travel for him now, but in the beginning of our marriage it wasn’t easy.

The first time he went we had an 18-month old daughter, and I was five months pregnant with our second.  It was winter. We had just moved to a new town.  I wasn’t excited about the move.  I was eager for my husband to return.

That night I cleaned the house and made a feast.  After I put my daughter to sleep, we sat down to talk in front of the fire.

I began telling him all the things I’d done while he was away.  The work on the new house.  How I took care of our daughter who’d been sick, entertained his mother, and kept up with my own business.

I waited for a response.  He said nothing. He simply nodded. Wanting more of a reaction, specifically of gratitude and adulation, I continued with additional details of the laborious past two weeks on my own.

Now I was animated and passionate. I wanted him to know the amazing dazzle that had occurred to pull it all off.  My husband’s response: “Were you able to get the water heater replaced?”

What?!?#@!  That was it?  No “thank you” or “wow, you’re amazing?!”  I was unglued. The evening I’d looked forward to was now ruined.  I went to bed.  I couldn’t speak to him for another 24 hours.  When I did, I came back  with this conversation.

“I realized when you didn’t recognize or thank me for holding everything down in the past two weeks, the story I was telling myself was I’m not doing a good enough job.  That I can’t keep all of this up.  I’m exhausted with the house, the pregnancy, our daughter, and my work.  I’m not doing anything well. I was afraid you don’t think I’m doing enough either.”

He said,  “I don’t know why you would tell yourself that.  You’re doing a great job.  An amazing job in all areas. I’m very grateful!”

Me: “Then why didn’t you say so?  Why didn’t you say something besides ‘did you get the water heater replaced?’ Why didn’t you say, ‘thank you’ or tell me I’m amazing?”

My husband’s response, “I was tired. I’d been up for 36 hours straight after being on an 18 hour flight.  I was so happy to be sitting in our new house with you.   I’d just eaten the best meal I’d had in 14 days. I kept looking at you, because I wanted you to know I cared and that I was listening.”

How many times have you done that?  Ruined a perfectly good time because of a story you were making up in your mind?

This happens all the time with our stories.  In the absence of facts or details, we fill them in ourselves.  Unfortunately, most often we fill them in with negative and fear-based thoughts…especially when we’re stressed.

The reason I’d been able to re-engage in the conversation from a higher place the next day was because I took a long drive and reflected.  It all got down to these two questions.

“What am I afraid of?”

AND

“What’s the truth?”

The answer to “What am I afraid of?” was simple.  I was afraid that I wasn’t capable or enough.

My answer to “What’s the truth?”:  I’m doing the best I can.  It may not be perfect, but it’s enough. I don’t need another to tell me I’m awesome.  That’s my own job. I already know it.”  I decided to listen to the truth.

What stories are you telling yourself specifically that are keeping you from releasing your brilliance today? What stories are keeping you out of peace or ease?

 Here are a few recent stories I’ve heard…

I have to be in the office to keep the organization moving.

My relationship with my spouse is what it is.

I have to take care of everybody in the family.

If I let go of my anxiety I’ll lose my edge.

I’ll have to leave the city to make the next career move I want.

I’m not capable of creating something that great.

This economy isn’t strong enough for me to make a move.

My age is getting in the way of me getting what I want.

I don’t have enough experience for that.

I can’t do that; I have a family to support.

That’s for smarter people with a background in x.

I don’t have enough time.

I don’t have enough money.

I’m not enough.

 

Ask yourself,   “Is the story I’m telling myself true?”  Pay attention and be curious of your story.  

If you feel stuck or uncomfortable with some area of life, there’s a good chance there’s a story you’re telling that isn’t working for you.

The next questions:  What am I afraid of in this situation?  What’s the truth?

When you calm your ego and answer honestly, you’ll be lead back to clarity and your next steps.  Even if the truth isn’t pleasant, you’re working with a real problem not a made up one.

Being honest with our story allows us to play full out instead of at a half-version of ourselves.

Remember you’re unique.  You’re talented.  And the world desperately needs the fullest version of you and your creativity at play! Have a knock-it-out-of-the-park kind of week!

~Rita

When my computer starts giving me lackluster or “wonky” results that I don’t understand or like, the easiest thing to do is hit the “restart” button.  Just yesterday I pushed it when my wireless printer went down.  One minute later—BAM! — I was up and running again.

Don’t you wish we could do that with life too?  That is, reset and start fresh when it feels like we’ve been knocked down?

I’d love it when I’m in the middle of a tough creative process and start questioning does this even matter.  Or when my kids are in pain and having challenges I can’t fix.  When I’m caught off-guard and something really unsavory pops out of nowhere. Or when something I’ve been counting on doesn’t go as expected.

Ahh…to have a reset button then. I’d hit it and the problems that previously appeared to need fixed, would seem to resolve themselves without working on them directly.

Well there is a reset button.  I’m sharing it with you.  I use it in my own tough times.  It involves ten irreplaceable perspectives.  They get me back on course faster, easier and more authentically than using my logic or sheer will power.

You may be familiar with them or they may seem game-changing. Regardless, the best question you can ask yourself is “how can I fully use and apply these in my life and work today? ”

 1. There are no coincidences. Everything is happening for a reason to support us in becoming the best version of ourselves.  Look at the difficult experience today for what it really is –the salt that rubs the oyster so it can become the pearl it was destined to be.  It can be really tough in difficult moments to own this, but it also opens us to breakthroughs.  What’s happening to you, is happening for you. Ask yourself, “How is this here to support where I’m going?”

2. You are EXACTLY where you’re supposed to be. Stop telling yourself you are behind.  Comparing ourselves to others is a common way we use to tell ourselves we are not where we’re supposed to be.  It’s also a sure-fire way to stay stuck because it brings down our ability to see what is great about ourselves.

Have you ever felt inspired after a healthy dose of comparison and self-criticism?  Probably not. We can’t write a new chapter when we keep re-reading the old chapter or being in a fight with the current one. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.  Keep your eyes on the life and body of work you’re creating.  Let others work on theirs.

 3. You are more brilliant than you give yourself credit for. Don’t wait for another to tell you who you are.  Or that they like what you’re saying or that you’re awesome.  You are unique.  You have gifts. You are loved. You deserve and are capable of a great life. Choose you.  Own how magnificent you truly are.

Unless you make the decision that who you are, your contribution and what you offer or do is valuable, no amount of time or work driving to your fullest potential will make a difference.

4. You don’t need “it” to be happy. Happiness is a state and you can change your state in seconds. I’ve witnessed a person move from a suicidal state to joy in less than a minute.  Take responsibility for your happiness rather than thinking someone else or material items, titles, adulation and power will do it for you.  They may provide a temporary high or rush.  The problem is when we lose the high, we need more of the drug (external things) to fill the addiction.  Happiness does not require a thing.  It’s an internal experience.  Celebrate your progress. Enjoy the journey.

5. Your life is a direct reflection of your thinking. (Your story). You create what you believe not what you wish.  The same that’s true for food is true with thoughts: you’ve got to put something good in to get something good out.   Be deliberate and conscious of the beliefs and thoughts you feed yourself.  Your thoughts and feelings are the only things you have complete choice over.

 6. You must be willing to put yourself in the spotlight and show your brilliance.  If you want to reach your potential and make the positive impact in YOUR world and THE world, putting yourself in the spotlight is exactly what you must do.  Be willing to be exposed and seen.

Vulnerability is the new strong.  It requires unhooking from other’s praise as well as their criticism. Yes, being vulnerable does mean that we will go through the discomfort and pain of being uncertain or even rejected. Everybody does. That’s a requirement to a life Played Full Out.  Breathe in and make peace with that now.

7. You can have it all based on what matters most to you. For most of us it’s unlikely we can be a brain surgeon, but do you want to be?  Probably not.  I believe, if you have a desire, you also are given the ability –if willing to do the work–to make it come true. We all have more resources than we realize. You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.

8.  It’s your responsibility to know who you are and become the best version of you. If it was all about us, we wouldn’t have been born with 6 billion other people on this planet.  We are each charged to know who we are and share our gifts, live fully, bring our A-game and make a difference in this world doing what we love. It’s not a “should.”  It’s a must.  It’s time to accept that charge. You are the hero of your own life.  Give yourself permission to play full out in work and life…and to make mistakes.  That’s the only way anything great was ever born.

9.  Getting the life you want begins with loving the life you have. Loving our life is a choice–not a fact. Gratitude has been proven to change our frequency and attract more of what we love. What we focus on expands.  You can’t be depressed and grateful at the same time.

After my father-in-law’s death, a really tough time in my family’s life, I realized that every day, I have a choice to find evidence of why my life is awful or why I am the luckiest person in the world.  Ever since then, I’ve chosen the latter.  It’s a powerful choice we all have.  This choice determines our destiny. Begin and end your day with gratitude—especially in the tough times.  It retrains the brain to expect and look for more goodness.

10. This time is the right time. Life is temporary.  It’s a terminal condition for us all.  Death is a great motivator for living. Every time I hear of a person dying, I am reminded to get on with living.  Our greatest gift is the present.  It’s all we have.   Choose NOW to start (or get back up  and continue) on whatever you’re being called towards.  Some complain that it will take five years to create it.  My response is that you’re either going to hit that age and have done it, or be that age and still want it. Which do you choose?  Begin now.

When we reset and lead from these paradigm shifts, we change our state, how we feel, our thoughts, our focus and our ability to unleash our potential.  They are the foundation to the present and future we desire.

Take a breath.  Reset.  Give yourself a hug. The world needs YOU to dust off, stand up and keep going!

Cheering you on to your personal greatness,

~Rita

 

In my years as an executive life coach for driven professionals, executives, entrepreneurs and CEO’s of Household, I’ve noticed a common and frustrating theme.  I call it the Nagging Half-Version Syndrome.

It’s the sense, the knowingness, that we are not showing up to our greatest version of ourselves.

It’s a widespread longing to fill the gap between who we are and who we are capable of becoming.

It’s characterized by a gnawing feeling that we’re operating at a fraction of our best.

In short, that we’re not playing full out.

I call it the Ultimate Unrest.

So recently when I was experiencing my own touch of the Nagging Half-Version Syndrome (NHS), I signed up for a 14-day Boot camp with 25 other participants.

On that first day as I listened I realized self-doubt had not been reserved just for me.  Everyone had been dealt a healthy dose.

That’s the thing about a new goal.  We can’t be certain we’ll achieve it in advance so there is always fear and hesitation. That wondering will I make it and…”what if this goes terribly wrong?”

It turns out I gained a lot more from the two-week experience than a bigger bicep.  Here are ten lessons Boot Camp taught me about life and playing full out.

1. Sign up before you think you’re ready. Put yourself in the arena. Once you show up, your body and mind will help you get through. Deciding to jump in is the hardest part.

2. It’s hard AND you can do it. I’ve learned our body can do much more than our mind thinks it can. I made a mental note of that as I grinded out push up after push up.

3. Nothing more than the next step. In the midst of a difficult day, looking at the number of days remaining did not serve me.  It de-motivated me. There were moments where I couldn’t even look at that workout.  So I looked only at the next circuit.  That meant only the next 90 seconds. Make your next step small enough that you are willing to do it.  We can do anything for 90 seconds, right?

4. Use the Buddy System. It would have been easy to skip if I didn’t know my peers were going to be waiting for me. Whether you are trying to lose weight, start a business, or become a happier person, there is no substitute for having someone to share your journey.  A partner means someone to encourage you and hold you accountable.

5. It’s better with a coach. A coach is a cheerleader, a director, a strategist, an ass-kicker, keeps you on task and sees in you what you may not see in yourself.  She holds the vision when you can’t see it.  She guides you to the light switch so you can turn it on. She won’t let you quit. Mine did that for me.

6. Talk yourself up. I understand positive self-talk is quite possibly the most important skill the U.S. Navy SEALs learn during their training. The most successful SEALs may not be the ones with the biggest biceps or the fastest mile, but they know how to turn their negative thoughts around. I decided to try it during some grueling exercises. My mantra, “I can do this,” was invaluable.

7. Immerse yourself for a Breakthrough. Inches were lost and habits like an evening glass of wine were dropped. It’s easier when you’re immersed in an experience.  Knowing I would be back there at 5:45 AM the next day meant there was no wiggle room to fall off course.

8. Don’t forget to come up for a breath. We tend to hold our breath when we don’t want to feel an emotion. But breathing can release pain in a muscle and tension in life.

9. Playing Full Out = No Regrets. Towards the end of your life when you’re in your rocking chair looking back, you’ll want to know you lived life fully.  That you gave it your all.  That you won’t be one of the millions who dies with the Nagging Half-Version Syndrome. Playing full out is the antidote to the NHS.

10. Testing your edge is worth the cost. Moving beyond your current upper limit of success is worth the sweat, pain, disappointment and risk of failure. You don’t have to succeed every time. Just making progress brings happiness. I was reminded of this again.

On the end of the last day when our coaches said “you did it,” I felt a twinge of emotion rise up.

I’d pushed my edges. I’d taken massive action. I found I was capable of more than I previously thought.

We had a celebration. Then I unexpectedly received the class award for outstanding achievement in taking full advantage of each workout, each day, each theme and each challenge during Boot Camp.

Why would I ever NOT play full out? I wondered about the things in my life I have not tried because I haven’t had the confidence or was afraid of failing.

I realized that maybe the better question instead of “what if it all goes wrong?” is “what if it all goes right?”

I decided to apply these lessons to ALL of my life challenges and goals.

Because what I know for certain is…happiness is knowing you played full out!

It happened at a popular Starbucks in Chicago’s Lincoln Park on a busy Friday morning as commuters grabbed their first cup of Joe before heading to work.

I heard four words I’d never heard before:  “I love my life.”

“Was that me? Did I just say that out loud?”

I turned to look behind me and the reaction of the seven patrons in line confirmed the answer was an unequivocal “yes!”

The words had spilled out of me.  (It was as if an alien had momentarily taken over my body.)

The eyes of those behind me seemed to talk, and the only thing I heard them say was, “FREAK.”

And I understood them.  I was thinking the SAME thing!

Who says they love their life?  I mean first, who really feels that way and if you do, who says it out loud?  The simple answer: freaks do.

If only I’d chosen to talk about Chicago’s horrifically cold winter, the crazy people putting furniture in the street to reserve a parking space, or the unusually long wait at Starbucks that morning…I’d have had a conversation going and possibly some new friends.

But I didn’t. Instead, I said, “I love my life.”

I felt not only embarrassment but also shame.

***

Fast forward.  I’m at an annual four-day retreat I’ve attended for the last four years.  The same individuals are in the room from previous years.  We’re asked to give a three-minute update on our year.  As I listened to others report on illness, divorce, betrayal and financial hardship, I told myself I could not share my love of my life in light of such pain.

And I didn’t. I shut down my voice and obeyed my inner critic who told me “you can’t say you love your life.  It’s not ‘appropriate.’  You’ll make others uncomfortable.  You’ll break up the group dynamic…you’ll be a freak!”

Then it struck me.

Loving life is a choice…not a fact.

Here me out.  I have challenges.  We all do.  I have kids that get sick in the middle of the night. The in-law that never stops pushing the boundaries. The projects that fail, health scares, family death, and then some.

But I’ve chosen to love my life with these challenges not just in the absence of them.

I love my life with its imperfections. These imperfections and challenges rub me to open myself to life, to have more compassion, and more love…if I choose.

In our society it’s not popular to love your life…or certainly not to talk about it.  It’s more common to focus on and discuss the gaps and inadequacies.

I believe we can do both.

As a life coach for 15 plus years I understand the desire to grow and progress.  My entire business is built on helping individuals fill the gap between who they are and who they are capable of becoming.  Inherently this requires looking at what is lacking.

But that’s where the focus on what is lacking ends.

When clients come to me they usually provide me with a list of goals they want to immediately start working on.  Instead, what we do first is clear up the drains and move the individual into a state of well-being, because it is from that state of well-being that other good things are attracted and created.

What my clients experience next surprises them. The unidentified ideal career change becomes clear. Time for their most important work emerges. New business often unexpectedly falls from the sky. Relationships that were once challenged begin to flourish.  And these things often occur with no “work” on the problem itself.

Why?

Science has confirmed what eastern philosophy has preached for thousands of years:  our brain when at positive performs and creates at levels that far supersede the brain when it is neutral, negative, or stressed.

What does this mean?

The only way to get the life you want is to love the life you have. 

We are called to love the life we have today with all its warts and perceived problems.

No, I didn’t always love my life.  I spent a decade worrying, crying, and fearing that I’d never get where I wanted to be.  Would I ever get married, out of debt, have children or find my passion.  I was miserable and from that misery I got more of the same.

The real problem was I focused on the problems.

The other problem was I thought I shouldn’t have any problems.  I’d wait to love my life when it was struggle-free.

The third problem was that I didn’t find nor embrace the meaning or “opportunity” that lied in the midst of my struggles and that supported my growth and evolvement.

The cultural myth is that we will be happy when we get “there.” The truth is our happiness lies in the process of creating, not arriving at the actual destination.

When we live with an “I-love-my-life” mindset we are intellectually, emotionally and spiritually rich and ripe to contribute at our highest levels.

Yes, struggles happen to us.  Some worse than others.  We all have stories.  What we do with these challenges and struggles is what shapes our destiny.

A friend of mine recently shared the story about her friend’s child who had been in the hospital with a life threatening condition for over a month.  While my friend was walking with the mother in the hospital corridor, the mother said, “you know, despite all of this craziness, I still love my life.”

This mother was likely in THE most difficult period of her life and yet she still possessed an, “I-love-my-life” mindset.  That’s a choice.

My mission is to help create a million “I-love-my-life” minds.

I believe when we begin with an “I-love-my-life” mind, we take the first step to become the deliberate, growth-minded, and spiritually awake leaders our world desperately needs.

It is from this state that we become the catalysts for positive and meaningful change in the world.

Imagine what the world would be like if 1000’s of people loved their life and shared that love with the world.

Imagine if it was refreshing rather than ‘freaky’ to hear “I love my life” in the Starbucks line.

As a daily reminder and symbol of my commitment to no longer hide that I love my life, I have made this bracelet to wear and share.

It reminds me that this life is a gift.  It is temporary.  And loving it boldly and unconditionally is a daily choice…one that can change our world.

Love your life…today…and shine on brilliantly, my friend!

~Rita