There’s one shift I’ve made in my life that has brought more peace than any other, and I want to share it with you.

About ten years ago, I decided to stop judging others.

What do I mean?

I consciously stopped talking about what would typically be described as the questionable behavior and choices of others. It not only didn’t work for me, it actually contaminated my peak state.

In short, judging others wrecked my peace.

First, when we judge another we exponentially increase the odds that we will experience the same event we are judging.

I learned this the hard way when I was struggling with nursing my first-born child.

Before then I thought everybody nursed their children. I quietly wondered and judged those who didn’t nurse their kids. After what remain the ten most difficult weeks of my life, struggling to nurse my first child, I became one of those I had previously judged.

We experience what we judge to learn compassion. You don’t have to tell me that twice. This experience alone could have helped me stop the judging game.

But besides avoiding being on the receiving end of that which we judge, there are other reasons to release judgment.

How much time would you get back if you stopped having conversations about another’s weaknesses or mistakes?

How much energy would you reserve if you didn’t dive into the story of another and why they are “so wrong?”

How much more positive would you feel about yourself, if you extended compassion to those who might know better, but aren’t doing better?

Have you ever delivered a rant judging your boss, colleague, family member, spouse, or tennis competition and then felt like you needed a shower because you felt so dirty? Do you ever really feel good about being ‘right’ in these instances?

Judging others eats at us like a highly toxic poison. It wreaks havoc on our mindset and emotions and leaves us focused on things outside of our control and missing any opportunity to be part of a solution.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given on this topic was in the form of a question: “If you’re in their business and their in their business, who’s in your business?”

The answer is simple: no one. Get back in your own business literally and figuratively. Obsessing with others behavior is our manipulative egos’ effort to distract us when we don’t want to do our own work.

Spot it. The next time you start to judge another for being greedy, selfish, lazy, insensitive, depressed, rude or afraid ask yourself, “Have I ever been (fill in the blank with your judging adjective?)”

If you’ve ever acted the same, you likely recall it was a time you weren’t at your personal best either. Perhaps you were afraid of something. Can you understand, even empathize, and extend compassion versus judgment?

Try it. When you extend compassion instead of judgment, you’ll find your body will relax. You’ll stay centered, restore peace and be able to hold your focus on creating your next masterpiece.

Now I am not always perfect. Recently I was being challenged with New York Congressman Wiener and his situation. So I used my tools:

“How am I like Congressman Wiener? Have I ever been addicted to something? Have I ever sabotaged myself? Have I lied?

The answer is “yes, yes and yes.” I’m addicted to sugar. I’ve certainly sabotaged myself when things were good. And yes, I’ve lied too. I’ve done it all on some level of the spectrum, and so I understand him and can choose to extend compassion to him. He is not at his best and highest self. I’ve been there. Have you?

What’s the point of releasing judgment? I feel better. I haven’t put more negativity in the world today by talking about it with others. I haven’t wasted my air, energy, and time.

Instead, I’ve kept my focus on delivering my gifts versus draining my resources and that pays dividends.

Bottom line: Releasing judgment is a gift you give to yourself.

To shift to peace when you find yourself judging, ask: “How are we alike?” rather than “How are we different?”

Remember, when you change YOUR world, you change THE world!

Here’s to more peace while creating your masterpiece!
Rita

The past two years have been hard on everyone. Regardless of who you are or where you live, some area of your life has been challenged.

So how do you move forward when you can barely get through your day? How do you gain momentum when obstacles always seem to arise?

Perhaps, you want to expand your business but you ‘can’t’ do business development because you’re too busy working ‘in’ your business. You may want to improve your relationships and increase your quality time with your spouse and kids but you ‘can’t’ because of their extracurricular activities and your company’s latest initiatives. You want to pursue your dream career, but you’re too busy in the fog today to see your bright dream for tomorrow.

You’re frustrated because you feel like you’re trying, but you’re getting nowhere and have little confidence of things changing. Who has experienced any of these situations before?

The following five steps will help you when life has served you the proverbial lemons, and you are ready to make some lemonade!

1. Get real. Stop hoping for it to change, and stop trying to outrun your noticeable problem or to-do list. If you’ve been operating under the guise that your day is a race to be won like many highly functioning, driven individuals, this is a sign you’re working from desperation versus inspiration. The problem with this approach is it never yields a high return on investment. It’s time for a change. Next…

2. Slow it way down. This may feel counter-intuitive. It is. Just when you think you need to speed up, it’s really time to slow way down and answer the important questions. Are you in line with where you want to go? Are you clear of what is truly not working or are you mis-diagnosing the problem completely? Slow down to observe what is “really” happening. So that you can…

3. Diagnose the problem. Seth Godin identifies four reasons we are stuck. 1. We don’t know what to do. 2. We don’t know how to do it 3. We don’t have the authority or resources to do it or 4. We are afraid. Once we figure out what’s getting in the way, it’s far easier to find the answer. “Stuck is a state of mind, and it’s curable.”

4. Rid yourself of vampires. To what drama and minutiae are you attaching yourself that is unneeded, unwarranted and unnecessary? Vampires may take the form of people, old thoughts, negative patterns of behavior, or judgment of self and others. Be courageous. Change what you have control over and let go of the rest. Drop the list of have-to-do’s you never complete, the employee with no desire to change, the client who is less than your ideal, your criticism of where you haven’t gotten to yet, and any negativity you’ve chosen to hold onto until now.

5. Step away. Whenever I find I am in “too deep” to see what is not working, or I’m looking for the five-star answer when life throws me a curve ball, I step away. I often say “you’re not going to be able to think your way out of this one.” The problem is not going to be solved by continuing to stare at it and think it through. Rent a space, go to a spa, find a retreat in the woods, or borrow a friend’s cabin for a day. There you’ll be able to hear your inspired, wise self speak rather than your desperate, critical ego which has been leading you astray.

6. Make a courageous bold move. When we’re driving and we need to make a detour, we don’t turn the wheel slightly. We boldly and courageously make a sharp pull. What bold move do you need to make to course correct? For me, it was to take an additional day off work each week for the summer. The answer was not what my logical thinking mind would have said to do, but as soon as I said it out loud, I knew it was EXACTLY what was required for myself and family.

Bottom line: Don’t wait to find the answer: create it.

Here’s to a chilled glass of lemonade, hot summer-fun and a sizzling life!
Rita

Did you know Henry Fonda was still throwing up before each stage performance, even when he was seventy-five?

It turns out Henry Fonda was struggling with what Steven Pressfield, author of The War of Art, calls Resistance. This is a fabulous, must-read book I encourage you to read if you haven’t yet. And if you have, Pressfield just released another book called, Do The Work. I love them both!

What is Resistance?

Resistance is that repelling force that distracts us and prevents us from sitting down to do our best work. It usually occurs when we want to pursue anything creative, launch a new entrepreneurial venture, start a health program, overcome a bad habit, or put a stake in the ground to change anything for the better.

I’m familiar with Resistance. I recently had my own bout with it when I was, once again, looking to expand my team at Rita Hyland Coaching.

Before I hired my new Communications Director I procrastinated trying to “think it through,” (a commonly used tool Resistance employs as the ultimate distraction.)

I waged on, nonetheless. I did the work; I completed the process of posting, interviewing, and deciding on who to extend the offer.

Then, it was time to make the hiring call to offer the position.

Suddenly, I had a touch of nausea, sprinkled with a pinch of chest palpitations which crescendoed into an ever-so-slight bit of hyperventilation. I was E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y uncomfortable stepping off into this unknown territory despite knowing it was EXACTLY what I must do. Have you ever had that feeling?

I went through with the call despite Resistance’s antics, and hired my new Communications Director, Melodee, to overcome and win the battle with Resistance—for the day.

What was interesting to me throughout the experience, was watching myself like a fish flailing on the ground desperate to get air.

Unlike the fish, however, the safety of my life was not threatened though I was acting like it was. I could see how irrational I was being, yet the thought of changing and expanding my comfort zone was creating a physical response both real and intense. None of the obvious logic could talk me off the ledge.

What I’ve learned is that there is a real physiological experience that takes place in our bodies when we seek to grow and expand. Simply put, a rush of serotonin and other chemicals enter the cells, sending messages that trigger the building of new neural pathways in the brain. I won’t explain it more scientifically than that. The point is our bodies engage in a REAL physiological expansion process.

In essence, moving through Resistance is like experiencing a growing pain.

So what’s the best way to manage a growing pain? Breathe. Feel the discomfort, but whatever you do–don’t run. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable for it is just temporary.

As we all know, growing pains pass. And once the pain passes, we have new stronger bones and muscles from which to catapult.

Pressman shares his rule of thumb: “The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel pursuing it.”

So how do you know which project to tackle first? Choose the project that will stretch you; the one that is most scary and will throw you into unchartered waters.

And take note: if you’re paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. It shows you what you have to do. The more Resistance you experience, the more important the project or work is to you and the more you will gain from it once you do it.

You’re wrong if we think you’re the only one struggling with Resistance. It’s universal. “If you have a body you have Resistance,” Pressfield states.

I’ve learned the danger of Resistance is greatest when the finish line is in sight. That is when it is easiest (and most common) to deploy our safety nets and run. Be on high alert for this. Then sit down and do what you are being called to do!

It’s always a party on the other side of Resistance!

Talk soon,
Rita

P.S. Through May 30th, you can download to your Kindle a FREE copy of Do The Work by Steven Pressfield by going to www.amazon.com.

Thank you for all of the great questions you’ve been sending for “Ask Rita Live.” Keep ‘em coming.

Last night I looked over those questions you’ve sent and that I haven’t gotten to yet. I was seeking “the question behind the question” and I found a common thread.

You might THINK your question is a technical one about how to get what you really want in your business, your career, and your relationships, but there’s really something more behind it actually.

It’s something I see a lot of people struggling with, and it has to do with something I call “doing you.”

I was introduced to this idea of “Do You” when I was browsing titles in a book store. You may not know this but Russell Simmons (the hip hop mogul) wrote a personal development book? It’s called “Do You!” I still haven’t read it. But once I heard the title, it stuck in my mind. It’s a very simple way to sum up a complex topic.

See a lot of your questions are REALLY questions about “doing you”—or more specifically, your fears around doing so. I’ve received many questions from you along these lines…how can I get paid to do what I love? How do I figure out what I want? How do I improve the relationship I’m in or attract someone who really loves me? How do I improve my leadership at work? How do I love this life I’m living?

Here’s your answer: If you want to take your business, career, and relationships (read life) to the next level, “DO YOU!”

Because who do people really want to connect with? Who do people really want to be led by, to buy from, or be in a relationship with?

Answer: They want you!

Remember, it is irresistibly attractive to be you even with your quirks and mistakes. Those actually make you more real and lovable.

It’s not how clever you were, or how beautiful your outfit or website was, or if you got it all “right” at the company meeting…

No. No it’s not.

There’s a saying “people may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Yes, its’ cheesy but its also dead-on true, no matter what you do.

If you want to be truly memorable, and (as Seth Godin puts it) remarkable, you absolutely have to put YOU into your business, career, and relationships.

Now here’s the rub: this can be scary! Because it involves putting yourself out there in a really, authentic, and often vulnerable way.

But I also want to let you know that the payoff is WORTH IT! It is worth moving through your fear to hear and experience the ones that say WOW you really made a difference in how I am able to connect and enjoy my customers, my direct reports, my spouse, myself! Wow, you really opened up a world to me that shows me how good life can get!

I want you to think about this – what are your fears? What has happened when you’ve put yourself out there — in a Real way instead of hiding behind a cool or corporate façade?

Bottom line: It’s time to “Do You.”

Action step: In the next 24 hours, find two people, (your direct reports, partner, or clients) and tell them something real about you. Be more upfront, honest, and more personal than you’ve ever been with them. For you go-getters, go ahead and do this for a full week.

Not only will you find ‘doing you’ completely liberating and energizing, you will likely be surprised by the ease, connectedness, and increase to your bottom line that ‘doing you’ elicits.

This is where your results, happiness and fulfillment begin.

May this be your best year of “doing you” ever!

Rita