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Do You Know Your Partner’s Love Language?

My husband came home with a dozen red roses on Valentine’s Day last year.

I was thankful but not ‘feeling the love.’ Before you decide I’m an ungrateful spouse, hear me out.

I love flowers. I really do. But for me love is best communicated through words of affirmation.

Gary Chapman, the author, of the bestselling book The Five Love Languages, describes this as my ‘love language.’

The premise is that each of us has a primary love language.

The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. We all prefer one.

When we identify this particular love language in our spouse and also in ourselves, we can use this knowledge to enhance our relationship.

For example, you may truly love your spouse but if you say “I love you” when your spouse’s love language is ‘acts of service,’ he will not feel it.

Your spouse will register your love if you make his favorite cookies or replace the burned out light bulb in the garage.

Still further, you may feel you are slaving away all day demonstrating your love for your spouse (acts of service), but if your partner’s love language is physical touch, both of you will be frustrated.

By identifying your spouse’s love language and ‘speaking’ it, you communicate directly: “I see you. I love you. You matter,” –in a way that is received.

Why is this important?

Because in all the world there is no greater gift than to feel loved and be seen for who you are.

Being seen for who you are is the quickest way to heal the past and inspire one to reach his greatest potential in the future.

This week: Put a deposit in your relationship’s emotional bank account. Ask your partner what his love language is. Then communicate “I love you” in the way that is received.

Next, let your partner know what your love language is. For example you can say, “I realize nothing means more to me than when we spend quality time together.”

Don’t expect the other to know what you want. Be specific…and you will feel the love.

As for me, my husband already knows a big card explaining how I am his alpha and his omega is all I need to feel loved.

(Oh, he knows the flowers add a nice flare too–because I am specific!)

Here are some ideas if your partner’s love language is…

Quality time: Make a date to go out to dinner or walk in the park.

Words of affirmation: Say or write in a card, “I love the way you support our family.” “Thank you for giving your best in that difficult situation.”

Gifts: Give flowers or tickets to a game.

Acts of service: Bake his favorite cake. Fill the window washer fluid in the car.

Physical Touch: Give massage or a hug when she walks in the room.

BONUS: If you are still looking for a gift that says “I love you,” then consider giving the gift of Coaching. I’ve been struck by how many of you are buying Coaching as a gift for your spouses this year.

To make sure everyone has the same opportunity, now through Valentine’s Day, I am offering a Valentine Coaching Package:
Four private coaching sessions for your significant other (or yourself) versus the normal minimum of ten.

This is a unique offer. If you or your spouse have been thinking about working with a Coach, this is a great way to get started.

This offer runs through Valentine’s Day. Write [email protected] and type “Valentine Package” in the subject. The details will be sent to you right away.

Happy Valentines’ Day!
XOXO
Rita

The Secret to Uncovering Your Passion

My mission this year is to change lives by supporting individuals to get paid to do work they love! My clients and I are off to a phenomenal start!

Experience shows me that when people do work they are passionate about the positive effect ripples out to their families, colleagues, communities, companies, and the world.

Conversely, I’ve seen the pain and tension in families and companies when individuals settle on work they think they “should” do versus what they want to do.

(Hint: It’s not good for anybody.)

Are you doing what you think you “should” versus what you want?

Do you tell yourself, “I’ve got a good thing going, how can I leave it?” Or “I don’t think I can get paid to do what I want.”

Are you settling because you don’t have the confidence to pursue your passion? Or worse, do you not know what your passion is?

This month several of my clients are actively transitioning into their dream careers, and by “transitioning” I mean they are doing it! Not researching, talking and considering it.

Here’s some of what’s going on…

• corporate director leaves his job to open his own business on a large property in downtown Chicago
• successful business owner, burnt out from his current business put the right people in place to run it so he could start a new business which excites him
• passionate entrepreneur closes on her own franchise this week
• corporate manager pursues “the big leap” of promotions and starts his new role today

All this in the month of January!

All different career pursuits, but they share similarities.

Bored, overwhelmed, or frustrated is how every one of these individuals previously described themselves.

Each knew there had to be something more, yet they weren’t going after it.

And each individual’s career and life forever changed once they decided.

If you want to make a change like these, here are three well-tested steps to get you started.

Step 1: Decide and commit to make the change. When you are no longer wishy-washy about where you are headed, you will no longer get wishy-washy results. Amazing things happen once you decide. (Even my self-proclaimed “skeptic” agrees.)

Step 2: Identify your passion.

To uncover your passion, answer the following:

1. What do you like to read, buy, and talk about?
2. What do you enjoy so much you would do it for free?
3. What energizes you and lights you up?
4. What does someone who knows and loves you see is your passion?

One of the main reasons we have trouble identifying our passion is because it’s too scary for us to see.

If your answer is “I don’t know” to any of the above questions, ask yourself, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid? If I couldn’t get it wrong, what would I do?”

Step 3: Take action today. Once you identify your passion—get started. Don’t wait until you have the certificate, degree, title, confidence or permission. If it’s truly your passion you can get started doing it today. This was some of the best advice I was given.

Bottom line: Decide to either love the work you do and bring your passion to it, or create a plan to leave it. The world suffers when you don’t love your work.

If you aren’t motivated to do it for yourself, do it for your children. As a mother of three, I know children do what we say, not what we do. If you want your children to believe they can do anything they want, then you must live it.

Remember: When your life improves, the world improves. Begin today!

Top Ten Reasons Why Smart, Forward-Thinking, High-Achievers Still Don’t Get The Business, Career, Money, Relationship and Fulfillment They Really Want

10. When attempting to get clear on what they want, they defer to logic for what is possible, settling instead for what they believe is their “level.”

9. They have a vague, blurry vision about what they want and therefore, get vague, blurry results; more certain about what they don’t want rather than what they do want.

8. They wait for a “better” time when they are more confident, more certain, have more time, or more money.

7. They suffer from “premature practicality.” While excited about focusing on what they would really love to do, be, or have in their lives, the “other side” of them is trying to figure out how on earth they’re going to get it. Too quick to figure out the “how,” they never get clearly focused on the “what.”

6. They do not ask for help, instead they think should be able to do it on their own.

5. Unaware of their internal blocks, they keep getting more of the same regardless of the different circumstances or new opportunities.

4. They suffer from a ULP (Upper Limit Problem). Despite wanting an improvement in their finances, health, relationships and career, they are not comfortable with achieving that level of success. They unwittingly push away the very things they want with behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are unsupportive to their goal.

3. They stop too early, not consistent long enough in order to succeed.

2. They would rather play it safe than risk failure or rejection.

#1. They are unaware that LIFE ONLY GETS AS GOOD AS YOU CAN STAND IT!

The “How-To-Figure-Out-What-You-Want-Guide”

Like most people, you probably want a more stress-free, fulfilling and passion-filled life—but are you aware of how to make this dream a reality?

If you could uncover what keeps you from the life you desire and figure out how to obtain it, what difference would it make to your work, your family and you over the next year? The next 10 years?

As many people know, it is not what you know, but rather what you don’t know that can hurt you. From my years in corporate America and through my coaching practice, I’ve seen smart, highly motivated professionals become bored, confused, unfulfilled and frustrated, because they don’t know what is keeping them from living their best life despite how hard they work at it.

From these experiences I have sifted out the seven biggest mistakes smart, busy and highly motivated individuals make, and I have provided effective time-proven tools to overcome them.

This week I’m giving you the first of them.

Mistake #1 Having vague, blurry vision and desires

“The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.” -Ben Stein

One of the biggest mistakes many professionals make is not being clear on where they are going or what they really want. No doubt about it, not being clear on what you want will guarantee you’ll never receive it. If your desires are vague, your focus will be blurred.

Many of us know what we don’t want but we aren’t as clear on what we do want. It is important to get really clear. If you’re blocked or confused about what you truly want, honestly assess what’s missing in your life. Is there anything specific you’re waiting for? Is there anything you aren’t noticing because it’s so obvious you overlooked it?

If you don’t know what you want, begin by exploring the following questions:

1. List all your greatest achievements from birth through the present as a way of acknowledging your power in action.

2. What gives you energy when you do it?

3. What part of your passion do you already have in your life today?

4. What do you desire now? Do not block, judge or censor the answer. Write it down.

5. If you had a magic wand and could choose exactly what you desired to be, do and have, what would you choose?

6. If money were not a consideration, what would you do in this world?

7. What comes so naturally to you that it doesn’t seem like “work”?

8. What talent of yours are you often complemented for?

9. If you could be rich doing exactly what you love, what would you choose?

10. What do you really want in your heart? Think big. Now think bigger.

Grab a pen. Spend some time on this exercise. Note: You can’t do this in your head. Writing it down increases its power by ten.

I’ll be back next week with the second classic mistake that costs high-achieving professionals in their financial, emotional, relationship, and spiritual bank accounts.

The Secret the Hurricane Survivors, Richard Branson & Steve Jobs’ Really ‘Know’

Over these last two weeks I’ve been taken by the statements of survivors of the earthquake and hurricane, Richard Branson after the destruction of his palatial Necker Island home, and even Steve Jobs.

Their message is common and simple but seems to have gained more credibility in light of their latest experiences. Their message: Love your lovers (or those who matter most to you) and love your life–today.

Steve Jobs explains once your life has been threatened, death is “no longer merely a useful, but purely intellectual concept.”

Those who’ve experienced such tribulations really get it. Perhaps then, in a way, they are lucky.

I got to thinking, without having to experience my own life-threatening experience, do I “get it?” Does my life reflect that indeed now is the time do what I love full out, courageously, and as my heart and intution guide? Does yours?

One way to know is to ask the question: If today was my last day, is this how I would want to spend it? What if my last day was yesterday? Or tomorrow?

Steve Jobs says when he answers “no” to this question for too many days, he knows it’s time for a change.

What I know for certain from the masters of the ages, from the wisdom of the survivors of the last two weeks as well as from the experiences of my own unfulfilled, boring and frustrating days (oh yes, I’ve had a few):

You must love what you do daily. Never stop looking for it. Never settle. Then live it. And never stop.

Watch this thought-provoking and inspiring message of Steve Jobs in his 2005 commencement address at Stanford. Then read on.

Are you ready to re-commit to pursuing the life you love today? A life that goes way beyond, “ok” or “fine.”

None of us know when we will die. It is certain that we will. If you don’t love your ‘today’ when are you going to make sure you do?

If your passionate about doing what you love daily, I’ve got the perfect thing cooking for you.

I’ve got a FREE Webinar for you in September: “The Game Changer: Reinventing Your Life in the Next Six Months.” Keep you eyes out. I’ll be sending you the details next week!

Until then enjoy loads of love and passion!
Rita

The 3-Minute Map-Making Tool To Clear Direction And Greater Ease

Do you have a map to create your hot marriage, career change, more profitable business, fit tummy, healthy family, or increased well-being?

We all need maps to get from where we are to where we want to be. You wouldn’t start driving to Idaho without one. Why then would you consider being without a map for your more significant desired outcomes and dreams?

After all, if you had a map, confusion, indecision and frustration would no longer pepper your day. Overwhelm would be virtually eliminated.

Overwhelm occurs because we don’t have one clear focus.

A map, like the one my clients and I have used and that I give you below, provide that focus you need to take clear action. In turn, your life moves from struggle to ease.

This quick hot tool can be used for any goal you set. I used it for the first time over 12 years ago when I decided I wanted to get married. Today I use it for creating a thriving home with my husband and three children and for building my clients businesses and lives.

Here’s what you do.

1. Take a sheet of 8 ½ x 11” paper. Turn it on its side.
2. Draw a vertical line one inch from the left side of the paper. Draw a second vertical line one inch from the right side of the paper. These are the banks of your river.
3. Draw a stick figure on the left river bank and under it write “me.”
4. On the right river bank write your goal, that is, what you want when you make it to the other side. The river is the area between the two banks.
5. Fill the river with rocks designated by circles. In each circle write an action to help you get to the other side.

For example, in my first map I created years ago when I wanted to create a relationship the rocks included: make eye contact, be open to men that do not fit my current profile, change my career to one I enjoy, take a trip, get a coach, change my routine daily, ask a guy to a concert, etc.

Each time I completed one task, I simply went back to look at my next. Oh yes, you have to act! But taking action is easier when you have that next step right before you.

I attribute this tool and other game-changing perspectives to me being engaged to my soul mate 18-months later. You can see why I have passion for having a map!

Here are a few rules to remember in creating your map.

1. The map does not need and should not be in order.
2. You can always go back to add other rocks or action steps. In fact, I encourage it.
3. Consider filling in the rocks like a brainstorming exercise, not a precise prescription. (You will need to use your inner voice to guide you along the way too.)

You’ve heard me say it before: HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY! Focus and consistent action are. Having a map keeps you focused on both!

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What Dare Or Leap Is Beckoning You?

In my business I never ask anyone to do anything I don’t do. It’s an integrity thing for me. I’m sort of a put-your-money-where-your-mouth-is type of gal. After all, people don’t do what you say. They do what you do.

How can I ask my client to dare to launch their new business idea, have a candid conversation in a key relationship at work or home, apply for their dream career, let go of a past hurt, speak before a 1000 people or bungee jump, in short –play full out — if I haven’t done it myself?

Taking on others’ dares means my comfort zone is constantly stretched. But I didn’t always dare myself.

Several years back I did an end-of-the-year review on my professional and personal life. I was gravely disappointed by one of my answers.

The question was: “Where have you failed this year?”

After some reflection I realized there wasn’t an area where I had failed. My chest sunk. I knew the point of the question: I had not stretched or taken enough risks during the year.

It was a pivotal moment for me.

A key part to growing is being able to fail and fail often. The only way for us to grow is do things that feel risky.

When we don’t take risks it means our Genius is withheld and our people, tribe, and world suffer. Practically speaking, it means our art is not enjoyed, our products don’t help people, jobs aren’t sustained, and lives remain difficult.

On a personal level, it means our life is never really lived.

To put ourselves “out there” means we must be “ok” that our ideas, decisions, writing, and products aren’t liked, aren’t rewarded or, even worse, are laughed at.

Can you handle that? I hope so.

I make it my personal business to get ‘comfortable with the uncomfortable’ everyday by challenging and daring myself to say what isn’t being said even if it’s not easy to hear or someone might not like me as much at the end of the day. I also have to be ok with being wrong and then adapting.

Am I scared? Often. Like recently, sick-to-my-stomach-scared when I shared an idea that wasn’t popular. But I consider taking such dares the cost I pay to feel alive and contribute my best.

It’s best to get over the thinking that it should be easy to do this. It’s not meant to be.

Perhaps Richard Branson sums it up best, “The Brave may not live forever, but the Cautious do not live at all.”

What leap or dare do you want to take?

Whatever you choose, do it. Then enjoy the rush of knowing you played full out based on what matters most to you.

Rita

P.S. (No, I have not bungee jumped. I secretly hope I don’t get a client that needs bungee-jumping to experience his/her breakthrough. But then I would have the dare of my year.)

How to Make Work-Life Balance Work

“If you don’t design your life, someone else will design it for you.” ~ Nigel Marsh

I’ve made some mistakes since I graduated college. One of the biggest was letting a well-meaning corporation design my life for me. I gave it permission. I own the mistake. Thankfully, I’ve learned the painful lesson.

Nigel Marsh, best-selling author and performance coach, gets at what he calls the “nub” of this issue as he discusses making work-life balance work. This funny Aussie does so in a humorous and spot-on video below. (You may want to watch it twice as you can’t help but laugh while you learn.)

If you are in corporate America or even if you own your own business, and you’re stressed-out and overwhelmed by the demands of the workplace, trying to figure out how to put the spark back in your marriage, have more meaningful moments with your kids and get to your exercise club, while you practice your daily spiritual rituals, this video is worth the 13 minutes it takes to view.

Here’s what I’ve learned since my time playing victim by allowing others to determine my life: Know what’s important to you. Design your life. Have boundaries, and get started.

Nigel says, start small. It takes a minor 3mm change in your swing to change the trajectory and placement of a golf ball. The same goes for your life.

What 3mm change can you make to bring balance into your day?

Perhaps you put the smart phone away as you dine with your family, ask your kid about the favorite part of his day, schedule and plan the details of a date with your spouse, mark your calendar for a lunch appointment with yourself to exercise or read your favorite novel.

Bottom line: Don’t put off everything when you can do something. And never leave your life in the hands of even a well-meaning corporation.

It’s neither their expertise nor job to know and do what’s best for you.

That’s an ‘inside’ job. Always has been. Always will be.

Watch this spot-on video now. Then let me know what you do to make work-life balance work for you.

>> WATCH: How to make work-life balance work | Nigel Marsh <<

Make your own sparks fly like the Fourth of July!
Rita

How to Release Judgment and Exponentially Increase Your Peace

There’s one shift I’ve made in my life that has brought more peace than any other, and I want to share it with you.

About ten years ago, I decided to stop judging others.

What do I mean?

I consciously stopped talking about what would typically be described as the questionable behavior and choices of others. It not only didn’t work for me, it actually contaminated my peak state.

In short, judging others wrecked my peace.

First, when we judge another we exponentially increase the odds that we will experience the same event we are judging.

I learned this the hard way when I was struggling with nursing my first-born child.

Before then I thought everybody nursed their children. I quietly wondered and judged those who didn’t nurse their kids. After what remain the ten most difficult weeks of my life, struggling to nurse my first child, I became one of those I had previously judged.

We experience what we judge to learn compassion. You don’t have to tell me that twice. This experience alone could have helped me stop the judging game.

But besides avoiding being on the receiving end of that which we judge, there are other reasons to release judgment.

How much time would you get back if you stopped having conversations about another’s weaknesses or mistakes?

How much energy would you reserve if you didn’t dive into the story of another and why they are “so wrong?”

How much more positive would you feel about yourself, if you extended compassion to those who might know better, but aren’t doing better?

Have you ever delivered a rant judging your boss, colleague, family member, spouse, or tennis competition and then felt like you needed a shower because you felt so dirty? Do you ever really feel good about being ‘right’ in these instances?

Judging others eats at us like a highly toxic poison. It wreaks havoc on our mindset and emotions and leaves us focused on things outside of our control and missing any opportunity to be part of a solution.

One of the best pieces of advice I was given on this topic was in the form of a question: “If you’re in their business and their in their business, who’s in your business?”

The answer is simple: no one. Get back in your own business literally and figuratively. Obsessing with others behavior is our manipulative egos’ effort to distract us when we don’t want to do our own work.

Spot it. The next time you start to judge another for being greedy, selfish, lazy, insensitive, depressed, rude or afraid ask yourself, “Have I ever been (fill in the blank with your judging adjective?)”

If you’ve ever acted the same, you likely recall it was a time you weren’t at your personal best either. Perhaps you were afraid of something. Can you understand, even empathize, and extend compassion versus judgment?

Try it. When you extend compassion instead of judgment, you’ll find your body will relax. You’ll stay centered, restore peace and be able to hold your focus on creating your next masterpiece.

Now I am not always perfect. Recently I was being challenged with New York Congressman Wiener and his situation. So I used my tools:

“How am I like Congressman Wiener? Have I ever been addicted to something? Have I ever sabotaged myself? Have I lied?

The answer is “yes, yes and yes.” I’m addicted to sugar. I’ve certainly sabotaged myself when things were good. And yes, I’ve lied too. I’ve done it all on some level of the spectrum, and so I understand him and can choose to extend compassion to him. He is not at his best and highest self. I’ve been there. Have you?

What’s the point of releasing judgment? I feel better. I haven’t put more negativity in the world today by talking about it with others. I haven’t wasted my air, energy, and time.

Instead, I’ve kept my focus on delivering my gifts versus draining my resources and that pays dividends.

Bottom line: Releasing judgment is a gift you give to yourself.

To shift to peace when you find yourself judging, ask: “How are we alike?” rather than “How are we different?”

Remember, when you change YOUR world, you change THE world!

Here’s to more peace while creating your masterpiece!
Rita