Tag Archive for: personal growth

The Leadership Edge: Mastering Self-Compassion for Greater Success

“Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are.”

~Chinese Proverb

In a conversation with my husband, I shared that I had missed a deadline to sign up for one of my kid’s activities, was behind on a work commitment, and was hyper-aware of all that needed to be accomplished before an upcoming event I was co-hosting.

I was noticeably hard on myself as I judged my lack of productivity and efficiency over the previous weeks.

My husband looked at me disturbed and said, “I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself.” I recall looking back at him with an inquisitive — ‘What? That’s-how-you-get-life-done’ kind of look.

Later I sat down to think about what he’d said. Being hard on myself was a way I had used to motivate myself for years. It was so automatic that I didn’t notice all the ways I was rough on myself — I pushed myself to work long hours, follow through on commitments to others while breaking ones to myself, and made myself go faster when I really needed to slow down. Thinking about it made me both tired and sad. Now I noticed how this relentless pressure on myself didn’t just affect me. It was negatively influencing those around me as well. I knew I had work to do — and it wasn’t on my missed deadlines.

Perhaps you can relate.

As a leader, you’re no stranger to high expectations. Perhaps you too push yourself to perform extraordinarily, demand the best, and hold yourself accountable at every turn.

But here’s a truth that high achievers overlook: self-criticism doesn’t fuel success – self-compassion does.

Too often, we equate self-worth with achievement, believing that if we push harder, we’ll finally feel “enough.”

But what if the way you’ve been taught to succeed is the very thing that keeps you from what you truly want?

What if the real key to sustainable success, a meaningful life, and great leadership isn’t more pressure, but more grace?

The most effective leaders aren’t the ones who are always productive and never fall; they’re the ones who rise and lead with self-trust, resilience, and self-kindness.

Here are ways to lead with more self-compassion…

Call it – Acknowledgement is powerful. The critic is a bully that we set up to motivate us and loses its density when we name it.
Reframe the mistake – Instead of dwelling on mistakes, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? And what do I want now?” Then move forward with self-trust.
Reassure yourself – Self-soothe with one or two words in those moments you feel the pressure on yourself. “You’re OK,” “It’s OK” or “Soften” are a few I use. Find the one that speaks to you.
Prioritize rest as much as productivity – The best leaders know that their energy is their greatest currency. They take care of their most valuable asset. How often do you give yourself permission to pause and refuel?

Notice the personal and professional advantages that play out as you focus on self-compassion this week. It’s important because others are watching you!

All my best,

~Rita

P.S. Discover new ways to practice living to your potential and a deeply meaningful life. Schedule a Session to talk with me about getting your inner game advantage!

Learning How To Brake

It’s New Year’s Eve! You’ve made it another year!

Before you move on with big decisions and heavy resolutions tonight, do this with me…Exhale. Pause. Rest and relax.

True warriors know how to brake, pause and fill themselves before they move into action.

When we go into the pause and the silence, we hear answers to our questions.

What have I learned?

What am I still learning?

What area of my life needs to be interrupted?

What am I committed to?

What am I finally giving myself permission to experience or have?

For example, what if you gave yourself permission to choose a second act this year? To start fresh. To release the stuff that no longer works for you. To cherish and do more of what does. To author a new next act filled with the freedom and happiness you’ve been working towards having someday.

When you do this, what would you let go of? Is it old patterns of taking care of everyone else at your expense, self-doubt, worry, control, guilt, regret, self-criticism or constantly being busy?

Maybe it’s time to soften the high-functioning, highly capable part of you that can leave you overstretched and not available to hear what’s really calling you.

Regardless, promise me this…

Under the stars tonight mark this point as a change of a new cycle — your next act!

I have learned a lot this year and there is still more I am learning. One thing I learned is that there are still more parts of me to challenge, soften and let go of all together in order to be the best version of me.

I resisted for a while. Then, after a few months, I found things were better than I expected. That the interruption was necessary for the transformation.

Isn’t that how it happens for most of us?

We resist change even if the change has the potential to be really good.

My lesson: Always be open to growing. Don’t judge yourself for how long it takes. Masterpieces are worth the wait.

Which brings me back to your next chapter. It’s going to be great!

How do I know? Because you’ve never been this version of you before. You’ve never had this much experience, wisdom or as many resources. You’ve been preparing for this moment for a lifetime. You have what it takes for whatever you want — or better!

My growth and learning this year came because I took the pause. Slowed it down and allowed myself to be present. I learned that I don’t like slowing down and that was a piece of my growth. Perhaps you can relate?

What I am saying is exhale. Pause. Ground yourself and restore before taking action.

You have time. There is no rush. Your next chapter exists and is simply waiting for you to claim it. It will be there.

You’ve come a long way. Pause to acknowledge yourself for a year well played. Here’s to your next one. May it be filled with purpose and freedom!

Happy Sweet New Year, friend!

x-Rita

The Year End Review

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

As we approach the end of 2024, it’s tempting to dive straight into setting new goals for the new year without reflecting on the past. But what if a simple 10-minute practice of leveraging the success and wisdom from the past twelve months can confidently accelerate growth and happiness in 2025? Would you take the 10-minutes to try it?

In this episode, I’m sharing one of my all-time favorite practices, the Year-End Review. For over a decade, this practice has guided me and countless others toward better decision-making, stronger relationships, and heightened performance. The best part is it’s based on proven success – your own – and it doesn’t require any expensive new strategies.

Whether you’re an individual looking to grow or a team aiming for improving performance or alignment, this simple exercise is your ticket to extracting the wisdom from your past and using it to fuel a better future.

Why Reflection Is Essential

We often think our next breakthrough lies in the future, but our past holds invaluable clues. By reflecting on what worked, what didn’t, and the lessons we’ve learned, we can gain clarity, uncover patterns, amplify successes, and course-correct missteps for the year ahead.

This practice of reflecting isn’t about dwelling on the past. It’s about celebrating wins, uncovering the gold in our mistakes, and crafting a success formula for the next year.

Real Results from Reflection

Take my client Jennifer, for instance. In her year-end review at the end of 2023, she noticed that her greatest professional wins stemmed from unexpected, genuine interactions.

You see, Jennifer loves sharing useful resources and recommendations with her clients. Whether that is a podcast on the topic her client mentioned or suggesting the best wine from a restaurant. Jennifer would make a meaningful connection with people. She realized that her simple act of authentically sharing resources with a CEO led her to have a recurring revenue stream worth several hundred dollars for 2 years.

Another is John, who recognized a leadership gap while running a manufacturing company. His newfound awareness prompted him to make pivotal changes, resulting in significant improvements.

Both Jennifer’s and John’s results were born out of reflection, which is a vital but often neglected step in our fast-paced lives.

Now, let’s explore the year-end review exercise.

Four Steps Year-End Review

Step 1: List Your Wins and Celebrate Successes

I notice week to week in my conversations with people that we are really fast moving beyond our wins or not taking time to celebrate. It can be very unfulfilling to live that kind of life. So, it’s important to acknowledge your wins, celebrate your successes, and give yourself an opportunity to recognize who you have become along the way.

Start by jotting down 10-20 successes or experiences that made you feel good this past year. These can range from major milestones to small yet meaningful moments, personal or professional. From landing a dream client to sharing a memorable trip with loved ones or getting your child into a better-suited school, own your best moments and celebrate unapologetically.

Step 2: Acknowledge Mistakes and Setbacks

Next, list the mistakes, setbacks, and disappointments you encountered in this past year. What are those things that didn’t go your way? Maybe right now you are feeling sick and uncomfortable just thinking about it, but remember that those mistakes are crucial learning opportunities. Consider them a good thing, write them down, and learn from them to create better results next year.

Step 3: Extract Insights and Awareness

For each win and mistake, write down the insights or new awareness you gained. Consider what each experience taught you. An insight could be to assess where you need to leverage your time better or be aware that you were not able to delegate properly. Hence, your project failed. This step clarifies patterns and behaviors that either support or hinder you.

Step 4: Identify Themes and Create Your Success Formula

Finally, review your lists and identify 2 to 3 best themes and learnings from 2024 that you can leverage in the next year. What lessons are most significant? What behaviors led to success, and which ones slow down your progress? For instance, you might find that “When I commit to work with others, things happen” or “When I give myself permission to take a break, I am revived and can do better.” Summarize these to create your key success formula.

Beyond Reflection: Setting Goals and Taking Action

The year-end review is not just about looking back. It’s your success formula for future planning. Use them as your foundation in setting goals in the new year to ensure your goals are aligned with what truly drives your success and fulfillment.

Start Your Year-End Review Today

Begin your year-end review now by downloading the Year-End Review Exercise from the show notes. Spend ten minutes jotting down your initial thoughts, and revisit these questions over the next few days. By embracing this reflective practice, you set the stage for a more intentional, fulfilling, and successful year ahead.

Unlock your potential by leveraging the wisdom of your past. Today’s evolved leaders are using a different approach. You can too. See how this simple practice can transform your life in 2025 and beyond.

Additionally, if you are ready to play full out on your goals in 2025 and you’ve been toying with the idea of adding a coach to your team to support your growth in every area of work and life, I am opening limited slots for my 1:1 coaching to help you navigate the transition, build clarity and confidence, so that you can guarantee you live your ultimate future guided by your design. Don’t miss out on this opportunity in the year ahead. Send me an email or book a connection call to see if this is right for you.

In this episode, I share how to:

Know when to take time to pause and reflect to amplify your growth.
Acknowledge your achievements that fuel momentum and fight stress and burnout.
Grow from the lesson of each misstep that can shape future success.

Resources and related episodes:

Grab the Year-End Review exercise
Tune in to the previous episode, Ten Ways To Adjust Your Strategy and Rhythm For More Enjoyment This Season
Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The First 3 Steps To Creating What You Want After An Inner Shakedown

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Are you at a point where you’re questioning everything about your life right now? Maybe you’re feeling uncertain, like the ground beneath you is shifting, and nothing feels as stable as it once did. It’s that messy, uncomfortable feeling that hits when the things you rely on, routines, relationships, or even your sense of purpose suddenly feel out of place. You thought life was headed in the right direction until it didn’t.

Stop for a moment and listen to what your inner shakedown is trying to tell you.

Because here’s a liberating truth: that unsettling feeling is a sign, a call for change, an opportunity to step into something greater and redefine your next season.

In this episode, I’m sharing what I call an “inner shakedown” moment I went through last summer, how it shook things up for me and sparked deep reflection. The thing about our life’s unexpected curveballs is that while challenging, they often become powerful catalysts for growth. So, if you’re in the midst of your own inner shakedown, or perhaps you’ve experienced one before. Whatever the case, I hope this sheds light on the purpose these moments serve in our lives and how we can navigate them with greater clarity and grace.

What Is an Inner Shakedown?

So, what is an inner shakedown, and why does it happen? This shakedown felt like an existential crisis triggered by a series of life changes, or what I call “presenting situations.” These events shake our inner foundations and force us to re-evaluate who we are and where we are going. Maybe you’ve had one too. It could be a new job, a layoff, a significant loss, or even something seemingly small. Regardless of the cause, an inner shakedown feels like everything that once worked for you is now falling apart.

For me, the presenting situations were a mix of several changes: another child starting college, temporarily relocating to a new state to support my youngest son, and losing a beloved family member. It was like everything familiar was being stripped away, leaving me questioning so much about my life. But really, it’s been the catalyst to brings all the underlying issues and emotions to the surface. As uncomfortable as they are, these moments are necessary to give us a chance to heal and evolve so we can dive into what we really want now.

What Happens During a Shakedown?

Inner shakedowns often occur during times of transition or loss. As I’ve come to realize, every change brings with it some form of loss, and with loss comes grief. Whether it’s the grief of the past or anticipatory grief for the future, these feelings invite us to dive deeper into our inner game. They force us to confront our histories, our old coping habits, and the ways we’ve managed life up to this point.

These moments aren’t just emotionally messy and painful. They also bring up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities, making us feel lost and uncertain about what’s to come. But as uncomfortable as they are, they’re also necessary.

How to Navigate an Inner Shakedown

As difficult as inner shakedowns are, they hold immense potential for growth if we can learn to navigate them. Here are key ways to make them a little easier:

Identify “Something Is Off”

The first step in any inner shakedown is to acknowledge that something is off. Denying or avoiding these feelings only intensifies the upheaval. Embrace the discomfort and let your feelings guide you. Our emotions are like a GPS, pointing us toward what needs disassembling so it can be transformed. Rather than resisting your feelings, give yourself permission to experience them fully.

As Robert Frost’s poem said, “The only way out is through.”

So, think of shakedowns as tunnels. We have to pass through them to emerge on the other side because one thing is for sure: ignoring these signals will only amplify the noise and pain —internally and externally.

Ask for Help

One of the critical lessons from my experience is the importance of seeking help, whether through prayer, therapy, or seeking support from friends and family. Long gone are the days when I tried to do everything on my own. When we allow others to walk with us through our struggles, we not only heal faster but also grow stronger.

Choose Your Response

We may not be in control of what happens to us, but we are in control of how we respond to it. This is where our true power lies, and that’s the essence of an inner shakedown. In my case, a powerful quote by Viktor Frankl provided clarity:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

This concept of choice reminded me that how we respond to our feelings and experiences is ultimately up to us, even when life feels out of control.

Write It Down

Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve found during my inner shakedown moments. Putting thoughts to paper allows you to clarify what’s happening in your head and process your emotions.

As Joan Didion said, “I write to find out what I’m thinking.” Writing allows us to slow down, reflect, and tune into the emotions we might otherwise overlook. It creates a bridge between the chaos in our mind and the clarity we seek, giving us space to acknowledge the feelings and begin the shift toward healing and growth.

Just 10–12 minutes a day writing about your emotions can shift your perspective and lead to meaningful growth and transformation.

Pivotal journal questions to ask yourself during these inner shakedowns:

What is it that I feel? Identify your current emotional state and the thoughts that are leading to these feelings.
What do I want to feel today? Notice the gap between your thoughts and the emotions they’re triggering and ask yourself what you truly want to feel. Clarity about what you want begins to emerge in this step.
What do I need to let go of that I think I need? Identifying and releasing unsupportive attachments or coping habits opens the space to know what you want in this next season.

By embracing the discomfort of the inner shakedown and using it as a catalyst for change, we can navigate through life’s tunnels, emerging more aligned with our true selves.

If you’re in the middle of a shakedown, know you’re not alone. These messy, painful, but ultimately transformative moments are part of the human experience. Keep moving through it, and trust that something greater is on the other side.

In this episode, I share:

How moments of emotional turbulence or life transitions can serve as our fuel for the work and life that we have not dived into —but that is waiting
The importance of recognizing and accepting uncomfortable emotions as a map for elevating ourselves.
Simple and effective ways to navigate change with less pain and more ease.

Resources and related episodes:

Read the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
Tune in to the previous episode, Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance
Book a Connection Call
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Have you ever found yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that feels this, or a part of me that behaves like that, and I don’t know why?” Perhaps there are times you react in ways that surprise even you?

Do you ever attack when you feel threatened?

Do you immediately fix things when you feel out of control?

Do you overwork when you feel uncomfortable?

If you do, you are not alone. These are just a few of the coping mechanisms we use to protect us when we feel unsafe or things feel out of control.

The problem is that these protective patterns appear to work for us — until they don’t.

Often, it’s not until we find ourselves yelling at coworkers, losing patience with our kids, unable to listen without trying to fix something, micromanaging, being overly reactive or unavailable to those most important to us that we question what is really happening.

The thing is these protective patterns cost us even more as we increase our responsibility and influence.

The good news: we can disassemble and dissolve these destructive behaviors before they hurt our relationships, health, and careers any further.

In this episode, I dive deep into unmasking these patterns of behaviors that up until now we may have seen as an integral part of our success. I’m sharing more of the common coping mechanisms that many of us use to protect ourselves when we feel unsafe, examine how these mechanisms form, why they persist, and, most importantly, give you a way to begin to address and transform them.

The Nature of Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are behaviors we’ve developed to rid ourselves from uncomfortable feelings such as fear, inadequacy, and unworthiness. These responses often start during stressful times, helping us to endure and self-protect.

While they may have served us well in the past, these reactions often become unconscious habits as we grow older, turning into our Achilles’ heel. They can become destructive to our progress in our lives, careers, and relationships.

The Hidden Impact of Our Patterns of Behavior

One of the challenges of coping mechanisms is that they are often socially rewarded. White behaviors like overworking, being highly productive, or maintaining strict control over diets or exercise routines are praised, they often are distractions that mask deeper emotional distress.

For instance, I used to run from accomplishment to accomplishment to feel successful, numbing my deeper feelings of inadequacy. By constantly achieving, I believed the control would bring me safety. However, even after achieving what I thought would make me feel secure, inner peace and freedom still eluded me.

The Pursuit of Control

Most of us spend our lifetime trying to control things in order to feel safe. We convince ourselves that by controlling our environment or responses, we can shield ourselves from discomfort and pain. But this pursuit of control is short-sighted. We can never truly control everything or everyone around us, and our attempts to do so often worsen our inner turmoil.

Action Steps to Disassemble Negative Coping Mechanisms

Acknowledge and Validate

The first step in transforming these destructive patterns is to acknowledge their existence and validate the part of you that developed them as a means of protection. Recognizing what triggers you allows you to tap into underlying emotions that may have been buried or unrecognized for years. It’s crucial to understand that these emotions are valid, whether they stem from past experiences or current situations.

When you validate the root cause that has gone unaddressed or unhealed, you can give it the air it needs to let something else in. By doing so, you’re not dismissing your feelings but allowing yourself to fully experience and understand them—a powerful first step toward healing.

Name the Triggers and Emotions

Begin addressing your coping mechanisms by identifying the specific people, places, and situations that trigger these behaviors. Name the feelings around them, whether it’s anger, fear, defensiveness, or something else. By doing so, you start to unravel the fears driving your actions, creating space for healing.

Seek Support and Move Forward

The journey of self-discovery and transformation is not one you have to walk alone. Seeking help from professionals, trusted friends, or even a higher power can help you process unresolved feelings and dismantle old coping mechanisms. This support system is crucial as you work to rediscover your true self and step into a space of inner peace and freedom.

The next time you notice certain feeling or behavior, learn to:

Acknowledge and Validate: Addressing any coping mechanism is to acknowledge that it exists and validate the part of you that developed it to protect yourself. This validation allows you to start the healing process.
Identify Triggers: Take time to notice the people, places, and situations that trigger your coping mechanisms. Understanding these triggers can help you gain control over your reactions.
Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Whether it’s from a higher power, a trusted friend, or a professional, getting support can make the journey to healing much more manageable.

Coping mechanisms are your mind’s way of protecting us, but they can become destructive if left unchecked. By acknowledging these behaviors, understanding their root causes, and embracing the discomfort that comes with healing, you can begin to dismantle these patterns and move toward the inner peace and freedom you’ve been seeking.

In this episode, I share:

A deeper understanding of the unconscious fears and feelings that drive negative behaviors.
The first step to understand why we are running and what uncomfortable feelings you aren’t willing to feel
Actionable steps to look at what triggers you and what to do instead of reacting to it this week

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, How To Get Beyond Your Obstacle Today
Listen to How To Engage in Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

Worthy of New Beginnings

I want to share a piece of wisdom I heard years ago that has stuck with me: “You cannot live your ideal life with your inner control freak in charge.”

It’s a simple yet profound truth that has been more relevant for me lately than I care to admit.

Busy achievers often don’t see themselves as controlling. We believe we’re just doing what needs to be done—achieving goals, performing at work, ensuring our families are safe and thriving.

But I’ve noticed something within myself: when plans don’t go my way, I tighten my grip instead of letting go. “This is how it should be,” I tell myself, resisting the flow of life.

Here’s the thing: life is brimming with infinite opportunities, people, places, career paths and experiences. Our rigid plans often blind us to the myriad possibilities surrounding us. We’re scratching the surface, while incredible realities hover just out of reach, waiting for us to claim them.

A soon to be empty-nester recently confided, “This isn’t where I planned to be. I didn’t expect it to be this way.” It’s a sentiment many have shared with me lately for a variety of reasons. This feeling is amplified by the belief that everyone else has a plan when ours has fallen apart.

But a perspective I embraced long ago is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not meant to be happening — at least not for now. Something else is better. Something that’s meant to expand us, something we can’t see yet.

Letting go of our plans can be incredibly challenging. The more someone tells me “no,” the more my subconscious mind wants to assert control. It’s usually because the unknown alternative scares me, pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I once bought a card I spotted in line at the grocery store with a simple but powerful message: “Sometimes good things fall apart so great things can come together.” I’ve held onto it for years, not because there hasn’t been someone who could benefit from its message, but because it’s a tough pill to swallow when your life plan goes awry. Despite its truth, it’s not a message I want to hear the moment my apple cart is turned over. It remains in my card drawer.

What I’ve learned time and again is that sometimes the very part of us that has helped us survive—by taking charge, planning the future, and driving determinedly according to plan—can be the same part that limits us from the awesome and infinite possibilities that we can’t yet see.

It can be difficult. The determination, drive, commitment and — dare I say — control that have helped us are now being beckoned to soften and rebalance in order to experience an awesome future. We’re being called to loosen our grip, let go, and trust.

What I am saying is that for many of us at this point in our lives, we are noticing a reassembling of our programs, stories and nervous systems. And on cue — as growth does — it rarely feels good.

The reality is life has a way of surprising us with illness, divorce, job loss, child challenges, or other unexpected events. What we know but tend to forget is that it’s not the events themselves but how we respond that shapes our future.

When your inner control freak is leading, it’s easy to want to resist feeling. After all, feelings are inefficient and can make us feel out of control.

I’ve learned, however, that grieving, crying, even shouting in my car, to a friend or therapist can be exactly what we need to release and get back into our flow. It’s essential to metabolizing this glorious, messy and bumpy roller coaster of life.

Once you feel the pain of an ending — unexpected or otherwise — look forward. Move into the unknown and step outside your comfort zone. Rebuild your life with faith that something better is already taking shape.

Remember, some of the hardest experiences become the biggest catalysts for change. Life’s unpredictability can be daunting and sometimes breathtaking. You are not alone. Start small to regain your footing: make your bed, take your supplements, drink a liter of water before 8:00am and take one step at a time.

Embrace the journey. One day, you’ll look back and be thankful that things didn’t go as planned. You’ll see that the life unfolding before you is far better than the one you envisioned.

Today, as we celebrate Father’s Day, let’s also acknowledge the fathers and father figures in our lives who embody resilience and adaptability. Let’s borrow strength knowing that they too likely experienced plenty of uncertainty and plans upended. Take a moment to appreciate the lessons they’ve taught us about letting go and trusting the journey.

Finally, remember this: You’re worthy of new beginnings and you’re more okay than you think you are. Keep the faith that the best is before you. It’s unfolding perfectly and on time according — perhaps not to your plan but — to your destiny!

All my best,

~Rita

How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

How do you engage in pressured situations while maintaining your best self? What do you do to manage and prevent stressful situations from negatively impacting your behavior?

In an ideal world, we don’t feel pressure at all—we hold boundaries, disarm conflict, and let things roll off our back. But we know that’s not reality all the time, right? We are complex creatures with emotions and past experiences that can trigger us. Whether it’s deadlines, difficult conversations with colleagues, or even complicated family matters — pressure is an unavoidable part of life.

Of course, being self-aware is the first and foremost way to decrease our reactivity. By examining what triggers us, shining a flashlight on our blindspots and peeling back the layers, we can unlock our best selves and our best levels of leadership. BUT what do you do when the pressureful situation still strikes and you are knee-deep in it?

In this episode, I’ll dive into how we can handle these moments in real-time without losing control and instead become models of the behavior we most want to see in our board rooms, classrooms, and family rooms.

The Reality of Pressure and Its Impact

Recognizing and understanding why we feel pressure in different scenarios can help us improve our self-awareness in the moment.

In a meeting I witnessed a team member, Tom, becoming increasingly agitated. His voice grew louder and more aggressive. The tension was evident and most in the room grew progressively uncomfortable. But then, Tom did something extraordinary. He paused, took a breath, and became aware of his behavior in real-time. Tom performed a quick self-assessment and chose to change his approach. He then apologized, acknowledged the pressure he was under and said that it still didn’t justify his behavior. This honest self-assessment and admission not only transformed Tom, but also transformed others in the room, allowing everyone to relax and feel compassion. It brought the team back to the real issue, enabling us to work together more effectively.

The Way We React to the World is Significant

Unexpected and uncontrollable events happen all the time. So, we need to know what we can do to avoid being hijacked by these moments and instead maintain our best selves. We need effective strategies. The good news is that there are ways to dismantle and redirect these pressureful situations before they escalate or harm our relationships and careers.

Here are the Five Steps to Maintain Your Best Self Under Pressure

Be Aware of the Moment

Recognizing these pressureful moments makes all the difference. It might seem simple, but it’s not. Pressure triggers an instinctive response from our sympathetic nervous system, often before we’re even aware of it. Noticing physical signs like increased heart rate, faster speech, or sweaty palms can help you become aware that you are moving to a flight or flight response.

Pause

Once you’re aware of a pressureful situation, pause. This allows you to become an objective observer of your situation. By stepping outside yourself and looking back — neutrally — you can see your behavior as it’s occurring. Slowing your heart rate down with deep breathing is extremely influential when you notice the physical experience of fear manifesting in your body. One simple way is to inhale for four, hold for seven, exhale for seven. This will reduce the pressured feeling in the moment and move you from a reactive to a calm state.

Give Your Pressured Self a Direction

When I feel pressured, I am open to help. The good news I’ve learned is that we can actually help ourselves in these moments. For me, the simple direction of “release” can take me back to my center. It’s like telling a dog to drop the bone. This simple direction can shift me when the pressure is mounting and I feel more defensive or aggressive in a certain moment.

Becoming defensive under pressure is a very natural and common way we armor up to protect ourselves when we interpret a situation as threatening. Unfortunately, being defensive (other than when we are being physically attacked) is also unproductive and detrimental. You can’t be at your best—thinking clearly or solving problems effectively—when you’re defensive. So, when you feel the urge to react negatively, remind yourself to “release” the fear or tension in that moment.

Perform a Self-Assessment

We know that when we feel pressured, we’re often driven by fear or worry. Certainly not our best selves. To get to the root of why this is, ask yourself these two questions: “What am I really afraid of?” and “What is my truth”? Often, our fears are irrational and identifying the truth allows us to return from our pressured selves back to our best selves.

This was best demonstrated by Tom when he was able to do this in real-time and owned what he feared — that his team wouldn’t perform and that would lead to his failure and judgment from stakeholders. He then identified what was as true (or more true) than his fear, that he could lead his team to successful completion with his colleagues’ support. By pulling out of his fear, he was able to not lose control and instead access better resources and support.

Follow the #1 Leadership Principle: Lead from Love

One way to practice this is to ask yourself, “What would love do here?” This principle helps you respond with empathy and compassion rather than fear and defensiveness. Choose to lead from love even when the pressure is on.

Now, whenever you feel pressure rising, you have a complete process to help you rise as an employee or leader:

1. Be aware you’re in a pressure moment. Name that pressureful moment.
2. Pause. Objectively observe yourself.
3. Give direction and help your pressured self. Simply provide the part of you that is in fight or flight to “release.”
4. Perform a self-assessment. Start asking yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and “What is the truth?” Then behave according to the truth.
5. Lead from Love.

Remember, if you shut down, others shut down. When you stay calm you will elicit calm from others.

In each pressured moment lies an opportunity to exhibit your highest potential. Use these strategies to transform pressure into growth and demonstrate emotional maturity that sets you apart and drives you towards more substantial, fulfilling outcomes in every area of your life.

In this episode, I share:

How to recognize a pressured moment as it’s rising
How to avoid reacting and instead dismantle a pressured situation like the great leaders do
Five simple, practical steps you can use in real-time to maintain your best when the pressure is high
The role and advantage of self-awareness when the stakes are high and the decisions matter

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, (Part 2) Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent
Try these Mindfulness Apps: Apps like Headspace or Calm can help you develop mindfulness practices.
Read the book, “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

A Simple Ritual To Close Out Your Year

It’s almost here!

There are just days before 2023 is in our rear-view window.

Before you say ‘goodbye’ to 2023, there is ONE thing for you to do before you ring in the new year and start making other plans.

Stop and look back at the fabulous things that have happened. It’s easy to overlook the amazing things you experience in our fast-driven world.

They are likely accompanied by some setbacks, disappointments, and losses too. That’s ok. It means you are in the arena and alive!

Take stock of it all to learn from the immediate past. Your observations, insights, and awarenesses. The ones you may not have caught without further reflection and introspection.

These experiences hold a treasure trove of wisdom IF you know how to find it.

You simply need the process to be a simple ritual. It will help you identify what it is you could do more of as well as what patterns of behavior cost you the most last year and need to be dropped as you head into 2024.

I call it the Post-Game Review and my clients and I do it every year to identify and record our one-sentence Success Formula.

All you need is a pen and ten minutes.

It’s pretty simple. It’s five steps. Here it is…

Step 1. Write down all of your “wins” and successes over the last year.

List 10-20 things that you achieved or experienced that make you feel good. Whether they’re large or small, own your best moments this past year.

Step 2. Now write down the mistakes or any setbacks you had in the past year.

What things didn’t go as well as you would have liked? Remember, those who don’t make mistakes, don’t create. Consider it a good thing to have this list.

Step 3. Next to every win and mistake, write down the “lesson” or the “gift” from each.

Nothing is a coincidence nor happens without reason or some value. What is the hidden meaning or opportunity from the experience? For example, if one of your wins was that you nailed a deliverable for a client or stakeholder, or conversely you made a mistake and didn’t get the help you needed to complete a project, the corresponding lesson might be the same: I am best when I identify and ask for the help needed to be successful.

Step 4. Look at your lessons and gifts.

What common theme do you see from both your wins and mistakes? Write down the 2-3 lessons that strike you as being most important to your wins and your mistakes. These may include things you want to keep doing or stop doing.

Step 5. Write your success formula.

Your final step is to write your success formula in one sentence. Write the 3-5 things that you see within the lessons that will be your directional beacon for success for the year ahead!

It’s fun and fast.

You may want to do this with a friend, family or team member! Creating meaningful conversation and support for those you care most about is a great exercise.

All my best to you in the year ahead!

~Rita

What Are Your Running Toward?

I was recently interviewed for a magazine article where I was asked questions about my work and life.

We discussed things including what my business stands for, who I am at the core, my fears, what I’m excited about ahead, and what I do when overwhelm strikes.

I know you already know some things about me. Like that, I see self-awareness as the greatest competitive advantage of our time.

But did you know that I’ve struggled with resistance to what I want most everyday of my life? In this interview, we discussed that and more.

Since my intention for this Monthly Journal has always been to share myself authentically so that we may evolve and advance together, I thought I’d share this interview with you today.

Maybe you’ll identify with a part of it or it’ll provoke you to ask yourself some new questions about your ‘why’ and what you’re running toward.

This time of year brings with it a sense of reflection and renewal. May it bring you to a deeper understanding, knowing, and loving of you!

What are the core values of your business?

RH: Generosity, commitment, integrity, kindness, and authenticity.

What does your business do?

RH: In an uber-fast-paced world, we help individuals overcome the resistance to unleash the best work of their career so that they can be the best leaders, spouses, parents, and friends they want to be.

Why do you believe people do business with you?

RH: People know I am 100% in their corner the moment they start to work with me. That I’m as passionate as they are about getting the best version of their work and life into the world. I have over 20 plus years of being a coach, but more importantly, I walk my talk.

What sets you apart from your competition?

RH: I have something that other coaches are missing — it’s not just a nice-to-have conversation — I get paid for results. I use the best of neuroscience, transformational psychology, and a bit of spiritual wisdom along with my half-century of life experience to create real change. It’s a change that’s sustainable long after the coaching is complete and is noticed and starts from the first time we meet.

What sets your approach apart from others?

RH: Your job performance cannot be separated from your personal history or your life outside of work. Skill and talent cannot be fully deployed and leveraged without having the x-factor — or what I refer to as The Inner Game Advantage. Too many individuals are still limiting their search for personal and professional advancement to increasing training, expertise, work effort, or accessing a new strategy. My approach is goal-oriented but it undeniably demands a level of self-examination that is rare in corporate life. You’re asked to peel away your defenses, explore the underlying motivations that drive you, and look at the impact your behavior is having on the key people in your life. The process leads you to a path of self-understanding and transformation.

Tell me a bit about you. The person behind your brand.

RH: I had early lessons in leadership. From a young age, I began to understand the intricacies of leadership through the example set by my father. As a Colonel in the U.S. Army, he embodied discipline, commitment, selflessness, and integrity – traits that would later become central to my philosophy of leadership. I have observed and tested many leadership styles. I have an insatiable appetite for observing what makes people tick and what empowers them to become greater versions of themselves.

On a personal note, I am relatable. I love to laugh. I see the world as a place in extreme need of unleashing the skills and talents individuals already possess. I see things others don’t see and can relay the information in a way others can use for real change. I’m passionate about wanting to help others experience the highest version of themselves, but I don’t need or want to be in the limelight. I enjoy being with my clients as they cross the finish line.

What do people not know about your work?

RH: Probably that behind my work to create happy, high-performers is my bigger mission to build self-aware leaders who become models of the kind of interactions and attitudes we want to see in our families, teams, and companies. I want the individual I work with to positively affect 1,000 others.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

RH: As enthusiastic as I am about the possibility and creating new things, I have been battling resistance my whole life. Resistance is that feeling of not wanting to do something that you know is good for you or that you decided previously you should do. That I am more shy than I appear. That I’m always challenging myself to be more self-aware because I love the feeling of greater freedom on the other side. That I‘m a bit of a protector, such that when I see someone being unkind I’m going to get involved. It’s the one thing that will get me off the sidelines most quickly. I don’t know that it’s always a good thing. I also like to defy the odds. When someone tells me something is impossible, I consider that ‘game on.’

What person (real or TV character) would best represent you or the brand of your company and why?

RH: If I could have anyone represent my company it would likely be the Spanx founder, Sara Blakey. She’s spunky, courageous, direct, bold, and funny. She has a young family and success. She demonstrates that you can have both professional success and a robust personal life.

What brand of shoes would best represent your brand and why?

RH: Oh wow. I don’t know the exact brand, but it’s one that is solid, sustainable, more expensive, not trendy, but built to last. Quiet luxury is my favorite. It feels comfortable looks great and has a classical flash in a new way.

What famous person or celebrity are you most like? Go ahead, be truthful.

RH: I’d love to be a cross between Sara Blakey, Maya Angelou, and Diane Keaton. Sara for her boldness and results-oriented self. Maya for her sage-like wisdom, grace, strength, and presence. Diane for her classic, cool style and fun! Hah! I guess a happy, bold sage is what I’m aiming for!

What is the driving reason why you’re in business? Why does this business exist?

RH: Because as Maslow’s needs suggest, the highest of our needs is to self-actualize, to know our highest potential, and to test our edges. But Maslow estimates that less than 1% ever will do this. This means there is a world of individuals in positions of leadership who are operating at a fraction of their potential. Who will never become who they are here to be and even worse will never fulfill their purpose to serve others, have fun, and enjoy their life while they do. I’m here to build brigades of self-actualized leaders who improve the world.

What is your dream?

RH: That one day what we’re talking about here — understanding how powerful we are and how to unlock that to serve ourselves and others — is mainstream. Knowing the science of how we create and self-understanding is taught in grade school. It’s not philosophy and longer — it’s physics. We do a disservice waiting until we are halfway through our lives to unlearn all the things we learned that don’t serve us.

What are you most looking forward to?

RH: My upcoming new program that my team and I have been working on. It’s a hybrid group coaching and private coaching program designed so that more who want to get the inner game advantage can do so. I am really excited about it!

Do you ever get overwhelmed or afraid?

RH: Heck ya! Everyday. Fear is innately within us. It’s not a matter of if we feel fear. It’s what we do with it when it shows up. My goal over the last several decades has been to continually reduce the amount of time I am led by fear and the lag time between when it strikes and my next action. I may experience it less, but I still experience it.

What do you do when you get overwhelmed or afraid?

RH: I ask myself, what I am afraid of. Once I have my honest answer I ask, is it true? In most cases, my fear isn’t true and is a story I made up. Simply seeing things accurately shifts me. I also will ask if I can deal with whatever the worst-case scenario is that I fear.

What you’re reading right now:

RH: Do the Work by Steven Pressfield

Favorite book:

RH: The Choice by Edith Eger. It found me at the exact right time.

Favorite guilty pleasure…

RH: A glass of wine before dinner

Favorite part of the day…

RH: The silence of the early morning before anyone’s awake.

What you’d want to be if you weren’t a coach

RH: A country singer for certain!