Four Simple Steps to Reset Your Goals Based on Your Ultimate Future

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.


Hey there, friends! Can you believe it? Another year has passed, and it’s time to prepare for a fresh start. Congratulations on all you’ve accomplished in 2024! If you’re like most, you’re now ready to hit the reset button and dive into the next year with clarity and inspiration.

In this episode, I’m sharing a simple and intentional approach to resetting your goals that are emotionally connected to your picture of the ultimate future. This method is specifically designed to eliminate the stress and resistance often attached to goal setting while also ensuring you identify goals that inspire and motivate you. Listen here for your simple step-by-step guide to create a future and plan that excites and inspires you.

The Problem with Traditional Goal Setting

Goal-setting often comes with its fair share of stress and resistance. Perhaps you’ve been putting off creating your personal and professional goals. Or maybe you’ve identified yours and wonder if they are good in theory but not so irresistible that you’ll follow through when you start to struggle. 

How do we avoid this common pitfall from traditional goal setting? The key is not use your goals as the place where you declare your destination.  What do I mean? Any good resetting of goals begins by defining your ultimate future. The vision and destination of who you want to be and where you want to go. Your ultimate future acts as your street address and your goals the directions guiding you toward it. When you take this approach, you’ll find that your goals become the roadmap that is motivating, inspiring, and aligned with your true desires.

But before we dive into the tactical ways to come up with your ultimate future vision and your goals to get there, let’s start by fueling your journey with a few mindset shifts.

Mindset Shifts Before Resetting Goal Setting   

Redesign Your Life at Any Time

Your life and goals are always up for redesign. 

Lighten Up

Don’t be so darn hard on yourself. Goals don’t have to be stressful or a source of self-criticism. Make an agreement to stop being  hard on yourself. For many of us that is a work in practice. Instead, embrace creativity and flow, let go of the pressure to be perfect, and replace the inner critic with a reassuring voice that motivates you.

Enjoy This Version of You 

You’re only going to get this version of you once, so why not enjoy. You’re not the same person you were last year. You won’t be the same version at the end. Celebrate this phase of your life and honor the unique opportunities it brings. Think fresh. Think new. You’re never going to get this version of you again. So, enjoy it.

Attract, Don’t Chase

Stop chasing goals with desperation. Be an attractor of your ultimate future vision in the new year. Attract them by operating from a place of gratitude, trust, and belief that your desire already exists and you are simply going to claim it.  

Identify Your Ultimate Future 

Now that you have adjusted your mindset, it is time to create your ultimate future from the 50,000-foot view. Paint a picture of yourself that answers questions like: What kind of person are you in the future? What experiences do you want to have? How do you feel on a daily basis?

Think about your family, your health, your career, and your personal growth. Consider the trips you want to take, the impact you want to have, and the people you want to be surrounded by. See your environment, your relationships, and the energy you bring into each day. This ultimate future should excite you and feel irresistible. I encourage you to have fun designing it, knowing that you can always change it. You can always redesign it.

The Four Steps to Goal-Setting

With your ultimate future in mind, you can now set goals that act as a directional may by following these steps:

Step 1: Know How You Want To Feel

Identify the primary three emotions you want to feel regularly throughout your journey. This could be calm, freedom, joy, peace, or any other state. It’s more important how you feel as you travel than when you do at your destination.  Research has shown that joy is in the anticipation   – not the destination. 

Step 2: List Annual Goals

List 8 to 12 annual goals that contribute to your ultimate future. Ensure these goals align with the emotions and experiences you want to cultivate. Detail them enough to know when you’ve achieved them.  

Step 3: Select Quarterly Goals

To make your annual goals more manageable, break them down into quarterly goals. Choose 1 to 3 goals to focus on each quarter. Remember, you can’t work on all your goals at once. Focus on the most important and achievable goals in the upcoming quarter, and create specific actions for each goal.

Step 4: Define Next Actions

For each of your quarterly goals, identify 5 to 7 actionable steps you can start working on immediately. These specific tasks and actions will move you closer to your desired outcome. 

Cultivating a Positive Relationship with Your Goals

A key to maintaining motivation is to remember your goals are neutral. Don’t make them personal. Don’t make them mean something they don’t. They are not a measure of your worth but tools that guide you toward your ultimate future. Regularly refreshing and realigning with your goals helps sustain this positive dynamic.

Goal setting doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to be painful. 

It can be a fun, creative process that points you towards your desired future and enhances your journey there. It’s our mindset around it and how we approach it that makes it so.

As you prepare for the new year, take the time to reflect on and design your ultimate future thoughtfully and with intention. You will know you’ve hit if, if it feels irresistible. 

My team has prepared a downloadable worksheet to help you complete the steps above. Use it to follow along and start crafting your empowered, passion-driven goals today.

In this episode, you’ll learn how to:

  • Create goals that are in flow with this current version of you   
  • Incorporate the necessary mindset shifts to eliminate the resistance, stress, and critical nature associated with traditional goal setting.   
  • View your goals as your shotgun rider, simply helping you navigate as you drive 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Year End Review

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

As we approach the end of 2024, it’s tempting to dive straight into setting new goals for the new year without reflecting on the past. But what if a simple 10-minute practice of leveraging the success and wisdom from the past twelve months can confidently accelerate growth and happiness in 2025?  Would you take the 10-minutes to try it?

In this episode, I’m sharing one of my all-time favorite practices, the Year-End Review. For over a decade, this practice has guided me and countless others toward better decision-making, stronger relationships, and heightened performance. The best part is it’s based on proven success – your own – and it doesn’t require any expensive new strategies. 

Whether you’re an individual looking to grow or a team aiming for improving performance or alignment, this simple exercise is your ticket to extracting the wisdom from your past and using it to fuel a better future.

Why Reflection Is Essential

We often think our next breakthrough lies in the future, but our past holds invaluable clues. By reflecting on what worked, what didn’t, and the lessons we’ve learned, we can gain clarity,  uncover patterns, amplify successes, and course-correct missteps for the year ahead.

This practice of reflecting isn’t about dwelling on the past. It’s about celebrating wins, uncovering the gold in our mistakes, and crafting a success formula for the next year.

Real Results from Reflection

Take my client Jennifer, for instance. In her year-end review at the end of 2023, she noticed that her greatest professional wins stemmed from unexpected, genuine interactions.

You see, Jennifer loves sharing useful resources and recommendations with her clients. Whether that is a podcast on the topic her client mentioned or suggesting the best wine from a restaurant. Jennifer would make a meaningful connection with people. She realized that her simple act of authentically sharing resources with a CEO led her to have a recurring revenue stream worth several hundred dollars for 2 years.

Another is John, who recognized a leadership gap while running a manufacturing company. His newfound awareness prompted him to make pivotal changes, resulting in significant improvements.

Both Jennifer’s and John’s results were born out of reflection, which is a vital but often neglected step in our fast-paced lives.  

Now, let’s explore the year-end review exercise.

Four Steps Year-End Review

Step 1: List Your Wins and Celebrate Successes

I notice week to week in my conversations with people that we are really fast moving beyond our wins or not taking time to celebrate. It can be very unfulfilling to live that kind of life. So, it’s important to acknowledge your wins, celebrate your successes, and give yourself an opportunity to recognize who you have become along the way.

Start by jotting down 10-20 successes or experiences that made you feel good this past year. These can range from major milestones to small yet meaningful moments, personal or professional. From landing a dream client to sharing a memorable trip with loved ones or getting your child into a better-suited school, own your best moments and celebrate unapologetically.

Step 2: Acknowledge Mistakes and Setbacks

Next, list the mistakes, setbacks, and disappointments you encountered in this past year. What are those things that didn’t go your way? Maybe right now you are feeling sick and uncomfortable just thinking about it, but remember that those mistakes are crucial learning opportunities. Consider them a good thing, write them down, and learn from them to create better results next year.

Step 3: Extract Insights and Awareness

For each win and mistake, write down the insights or new awareness you gained. Consider what each experience taught you. An insight could be to assess where you need to leverage your time better or be aware that you were not able to delegate properly. Hence, your project failed. This step clarifies patterns and behaviors that either support or hinder you.

Step 4: Identify Themes and Create Your Success Formula

Finally, review your lists and identify 2 to 3 best themes and learnings from 2024 that you can leverage in the next year. What lessons are most significant? What behaviors led to success, and which ones slow down your progress? For instance, you might find that “When I commit to work with others, things happen” or “When I give myself permission to take a break, I am revived and can do better.” Summarize these to create your key success formula.

Beyond Reflection: Setting Goals and Taking Action

The year-end review is not just about looking back. It’s your success formula for future planning. Use them as your foundation in setting goals in the new year to ensure your goals are aligned with what truly drives your success and fulfillment.

Start Your Year-End Review Today

Begin your year-end review now by downloading the Year-End Review Exercise from the show notes. Spend ten minutes jotting down your initial thoughts, and revisit these questions over the next few days. By embracing this reflective practice, you set the stage for a more intentional, fulfilling, and successful year ahead.

Unlock your potential by leveraging the wisdom of your past. Today’s evolved leaders are using a different approach. You can too. See how this simple practice can transform your life in 2025 and beyond.

Additionally, if you are ready to play full out on your goals in 2025 and you’ve been toying with the idea of adding a coach to your team to support your growth in every area of work and life, I am opening limited slots for my 1:1 coaching to help you navigate the transition, build clarity and confidence, so that you can guarantee you live your ultimate future guided by your design.   Don’t miss out on this opportunity in the year ahead. Send me an email or book a connection call to see if this is right for you.

In this episode, I share how to:

  • Know when to take time to pause and reflect to amplify your growth.
  • Acknowledge your achievements that fuel momentum and fight stress and burnout.
  • Grow from the lesson of each misstep that can shape future success.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

holiday strategy

Ten Ways To Adjust Your Strategy and Rhythm For More Enjoyment This Season

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Many high achievers and busy individuals find themselves running the ultimate “Holiday Race,” trying to fit even more transactions into their already packed schedules. As a result, the end of the year becomes a whirlwind of labor and to-dos that can feel overwhelming and stressful. 

But what if this year, instead of accelerating, we interrupted our normal busyness and slowed things down? What if we used this season to take time off, practice self-awareness, align our days with our values, and focus on what truly matters?

In this episode, I’m sharing my ten proven and tested strategies to help you adjust your holiday rhythm in a way that truly aligns with your values. These approaches aren’t just about getting things done. They’re about ensuring that each moment reflects the essence of what you want this season to mean for you.

Holiday Stress is Real

Many of us get so focused on making everything perfect for others that we lose touch with our own feelings. The pursuit of the holiday rush often sidelines our own needs, and we end up running on what I call “toxic fuel,” also known as stress, fear, and worry to keep up with it all.

But as I talked to more people, I noticed that what many truly crave is the exact opposite of the holiday hustle. They long for a slower pace, a chance to quiet their minds, which are constantly scanning for what more they “should” be doing. They want out of the cycle of accomplishment they’re caught up in. They tell me they want to step off the treadmill of endless tasks without the fear of falling behind when they eventually return.

Here are the ten strategies that will help you create an intentional holiday season from the inside out.

  1. Prioritize Feelings over Tasks

Before you put another thing on your to-do list, ask yourself: What do I want to feel during this season? 

Too often, we jump straight into decorating, shopping, and planning without considering what emotional state we want to cultivate in the first place. What we feel is what we create. So, by intentionally deciding how you want to feel every morning, even outside of the holiday season, you set the tone for your intentional actions. Instead of beginning the day with stress, align yourself with a feeling, be it calm, joy, or gratitude, that you want to guide your day. 

  1. Manage Your Energy

It’s easy to let our patience wear thin during the holiday rush. Recently, I had a test of patience at the airport when an unexpected security check due to a $4.69 bag of cornmeal threatened to make me miss my flight. 

In moments like these, I remind myself to manage my energy, stay calm, and self-regulate rather than allow irritation to take over. Recognize that not everything will go as planned. There will be traffic jams, family misunderstandings, and lines at the store. They are all part of the journey. By managing our energy, we choose not what happens but how we respond for a more peaceful season. 

  1. Avoid “Toxic Fuel”

Toxic fuel is the source of energy that comes from stress, overwhelm, and fear. This type of energy may propel you through tasks, but it’s not sustainable. 

This season, it’s important to become aware of what motivates you. The best way to do that is by asking yourself, “Am I taking this action from a place of inspiration or fear?” When we come from a place of inspiration, our energy is positive and expansive. From fear, however, we contract. Shifting away from toxic fuel towards decisions and actions inspired by passion and purpose will not only make the holiday season more enjoyable. It will also enrich your sense of fulfillment.

  1. Reframe Stress to Excitement

When holiday planning starts to feel overwhelming and stressful, try reframing that feeling. Instead of saying, “I’m stressed about Christmas,” tell yourself, “I’m excited about Christmas!” There’s a very fine line on the physiological spectrum between the two feelings, so it’s important to know where the tension is and move that fear, stress, and overwhelm to excitement if you really are looking for higher performance and happiness this season.

  1. Be Like Your Favorite Pet

Have you ever noticed how pets, whether it’s a cat calmly purring or a dog excitedly wagging its tail, seem to be in the present moment, no matter what’s happening? Pets are experts at being present and adapting quickly to their circumstances. My suggestion is to be like your favorite pet this holiday season. If things go sideways, the gifts don’t arrive, or a plan doesn’t work out, take a deep breath like a cat, refocus, and bring yourself back to the present.

  1. Create Empty Space

During the holiday season, it’s easy to take on too many commitments and become overwhelmed with bookings. Meeting friends and families, driving in holiday rush traffic, and buying last-minute gifts can quickly drain us. So, instead of filling your calendar to the brim, consciously choose to leave some space open. Say “no” to additional commitments and give yourself permission to rest and recharge. This will allow us to be honest about what we can handle and what’s important to us. 

  1. Dream and Ask For What You Want

This is the exact time of year to reflect and connect to ourselves, know what you desire, believe in miracles, and be open to the possibilities. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself what you really want. Be open to receiving.  How do you do this, you ask? Simply say the words “I am open to receiving..” then fill in your order for the day.  

  1. Give Generously

Nothing shifts your focus away from stress like giving. Many people need what you have to give. Whether it’s donating to a homeless shelter or simply being present with someone in need, giving not only helps others but also enriches our own emotional experience. Consider listening actively to those grieving or hurting during this season—it’s often the greatest gift you can ever provide.

  1. Love Yourself Unconditionally

This sounds intense, but hear me out.  Real love means loving ourselves even when we burn the turkey, the house is messy, or we miss a meeting. It involves accepting ourselves even when things don’t go as planned, or we don’t finish what we want to in the day. Loving ourselves through and in spite of imperfections enables us to step into our happiest selves in this season. You might also be surprised at what you find when you let go of the need to control every outcome.

  1. Connect Deeply

Finally, connection, whether with a higher power, ourselves, or others. Remind yourself that the assurance you’re seeking externally is inside of you, and then connect with that. This season, practice connecting deeply and being fully present with yourself and your loved ones.

Embrace these strategies to make this holiday season one of your best. As a special gift, I’ve prepared a bonus tool to help you make this season truly sensational.  Without even having to think, it will help you adjust your rhythm and take the most direct route to the peace and enjoyment you’re seeking. Happy holidays!

In this episode, I share how to…

    • Know how you measure a truly successful and happy holiday season based on your standards 
    • Learn how to cut the transactional approach that too often characterizes the season for too many
    • Avoid unknowingly operating on toxic fuel for your motivation so that you can sustain whatever the holidays present you order to sustain even in the messy moments (which will happen)
    • Download your Bonus Worksheet: “The Intentional Inside Out Holiday Plan For Busy Schedules” 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

inner shakedown

The First 3 Steps To Creating What You Want After An Inner Shakedown

inner shakedown

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Are you at a point where you’re questioning everything about your life right now? Maybe you’re feeling uncertain, like the ground beneath you is shifting, and nothing feels as stable as it once did. It’s that messy, uncomfortable feeling that hits when the things you rely on, routines, relationships, or even your sense of purpose suddenly feel out of place. You thought life was headed in the right direction until it didn’t. 

Stop for a moment and listen to what your inner shakedown is trying to tell you.

Because here’s a liberating truth: that unsettling feeling is a sign, a call for change, an opportunity to step into something greater and redefine your next season.

In this episode, I’m sharing what I call an “inner shakedown” moment I went through last summer, how it shook things up for me and sparked deep reflection. The thing about our life’s unexpected curveballs is that while challenging, they often become powerful catalysts for growth. So, if you’re in the midst of your own inner shakedown, or perhaps you’ve experienced one before. Whatever the case, I hope this sheds light on the purpose these moments serve in our lives and how we can navigate them with greater clarity and grace.

What Is an Inner Shakedown?

So, what is an inner shakedown, and why does it happen? This shakedown felt like an existential crisis triggered by a series of life changes, or what I call “presenting situations.” These events shake our inner foundations and force us to re-evaluate who we are and where we are going. Maybe you’ve had one too. It could be a new job, a layoff, a significant loss, or even something seemingly small. Regardless of the cause, an inner shakedown feels like everything that once worked for you is now falling apart.

For me, the presenting situations were a mix of several changes: another child starting college, temporarily relocating to a new state to support my youngest son, and losing a beloved family member. It was like everything familiar was being stripped away, leaving me questioning so much about my life. But really, it’s been the catalyst to brings all the underlying issues and emotions to the surface. As uncomfortable as they are, these moments are necessary to give us a chance to heal and evolve so we can dive into what we really want now. 

What Happens During a Shakedown?

Inner shakedowns often occur during times of transition or loss. As I’ve come to realize, every change brings with it some form of loss, and with loss comes grief. Whether it’s the grief of the past or anticipatory grief for the future, these feelings invite us to dive deeper into our inner game. They force us to confront our histories, our old coping habits, and the ways we’ve managed life up to this point.

These moments aren’t just emotionally messy and painful. They also bring up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities, making us feel lost and uncertain about what’s to come. But as uncomfortable as they are, they’re also necessary.

How to Navigate an Inner Shakedown

As difficult as inner shakedowns are, they hold immense potential for growth if we can learn to navigate them. Here are key ways to make them a little easier:

Identify “Something Is Off”

The first step in any inner shakedown is to acknowledge that something is off. Denying or avoiding these feelings only intensifies the upheaval. Embrace the discomfort and let your feelings guide you. Our emotions are like a GPS, pointing us toward what needs disassembling so it can be transformed. Rather than resisting your feelings, give yourself permission to experience them fully. 

As Robert Frost’s poem said, “The only way out is through.”

So, think of shakedowns as tunnels. We have to pass through them to emerge on the other side because one thing is for sure: ignoring these signals will only amplify the noise and pain —internally and externally. 

Ask for Help

One of the critical lessons from my experience is the importance of seeking help, whether through prayer, therapy, or seeking support from friends and family. Long gone are the days when I tried to do everything on my own. When we allow others to walk with us through our struggles, we not only heal faster but also grow stronger.

Choose Your Response

We may not be in control of what happens to us, but we are in control of how we respond to it. This is where our true power lies, and that’s the essence of an inner shakedown. In my case, a powerful quote by Viktor Frankl provided clarity: 

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

This concept of choice reminded me that how we respond to our feelings and experiences is ultimately up to us, even when life feels out of control.

Write It Down

Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve found during my inner shakedown moments. Putting thoughts to paper allows you to clarify what’s happening in your head and process your emotions.

As Joan Didion said, “I write to find out what I’m thinking.” Writing allows us to slow down, reflect, and tune into the emotions we might otherwise overlook. It creates a bridge between the chaos in our mind and the clarity we seek, giving us space to acknowledge the feelings and begin the shift toward healing and growth.

Just 10–12 minutes a day writing about your emotions can shift your perspective and lead to meaningful growth and transformation.

Pivotal journal questions to ask yourself during these inner shakedowns:

  1. What is it that I feel? Identify your current emotional state and the thoughts that are leading to these feelings.
  2. What do I want to feel today? Notice the gap between your thoughts and the emotions they’re triggering and ask yourself what you truly want to feel.  Clarity about what you want begins to emerge in this step. 
  3. What do I need to let go of that I think I need?  Identifying and releasing unsupportive attachments or coping habits opens the space to know what you want in this next season. 

By embracing the discomfort of the inner shakedown and using it as a catalyst for change, we can navigate through life’s tunnels, emerging more aligned with our true selves. 

If you’re in the middle of a shakedown, know you’re not alone. These messy, painful, but ultimately transformative moments are part of the human experience. Keep moving through it, and trust that something greater is on the other side.

In this episode, I share:

  • How moments of emotional turbulence or life transitions can serve as our fuel for the work and life that we have not dived into —but that is waiting 
  • The importance of recognizing and accepting uncomfortable emotions as a map for elevating ourselves. 
  • Simple and effective ways to navigate change with less pain and more ease.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Disassembling Old Patterns

Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance

Disassembling Old Patterns

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Have you ever found yourself saying, “There’s a part of me that feels this, or a part of me that behaves like that, and I don’t know why?” Perhaps there are times you react in ways that surprise even you? 

Do you ever attack when you feel threatened?  

Do you immediately fix things when you feel out of control? 

Do you overwork when you feel uncomfortable?

If you do, you are not alone. These are just a few of the coping mechanisms we use to protect us when we feel unsafe or things feel out of control.

The problem is that these protective patterns appear to work for us —  until they don’t. 

Often, it’s not until we find ourselves yelling at coworkers, losing patience with our kids, unable to listen without trying to fix something, micromanaging, being overly reactive or unavailable to those most important to us that we question what is really happening.

The thing is these protective patterns cost us even more as we increase our responsibility and influence.

The good news: we can disassemble and dissolve these destructive behaviors before they hurt our relationships, health, and careers any further. 

In this episode, I dive deep into unmasking these patterns of behaviors that up until now we may have seen as an integral part of our success. I’m sharing more of the common coping mechanisms that many of us use to protect ourselves when we feel unsafe, examine how these mechanisms form, why they persist, and, most importantly, give you a way to begin to address and transform them.

The Nature of Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are behaviors we’ve developed to rid ourselves from uncomfortable feelings such as fear, inadequacy, and unworthiness. These responses often start during stressful times, helping us to endure and self-protect. 

While they may have served us well in the past, these reactions often become unconscious habits as we grow older, turning into our Achilles’ heel. They can become destructive to our progress in our lives, careers, and relationships.

The Hidden Impact of Our Patterns of Behavior

One of the challenges of coping mechanisms is that they are often socially rewarded. White behaviors like overworking, being highly productive, or maintaining strict control over diets or exercise routines are praised, they often are distractions that mask deeper emotional distress.

For instance, I used to run from accomplishment to accomplishment to feel successful, numbing my deeper feelings of inadequacy. By constantly achieving, I believed the control would bring me safety. However, even after achieving what I thought would make me feel secure, inner peace and freedom still eluded me.

The Pursuit of Control

Most of us spend our lifetime trying to control things in order to feel safe. We convince ourselves that by controlling our environment or responses, we can shield ourselves from discomfort and pain. But this pursuit of control is short-sighted. We can never truly control everything or everyone around us, and our attempts to do so often worsen our inner turmoil. 

Action Steps to Disassemble Negative Coping Mechanisms 

Acknowledge and Validate

The first step in transforming these destructive patterns is to acknowledge their existence and validate the part of you that developed them as a means of protection. Recognizing what triggers you allows you to tap into underlying emotions that may have been buried or unrecognized for years. It’s crucial to understand that these emotions are valid, whether they stem from past experiences or current situations. 

When you validate the root cause that has gone unaddressed or unhealed, you can give it the air it needs to let something else in. By doing so, you’re not dismissing your feelings but allowing yourself to fully experience and understand them—a powerful first step toward healing.

Name the Triggers and Emotions

Begin addressing your coping mechanisms by identifying the specific people, places, and situations that trigger these behaviors. Name the feelings around them, whether it’s anger, fear, defensiveness, or something else. By doing so, you start to unravel the fears driving your actions, creating space for healing. 

Seek Support and Move Forward

The journey of self-discovery and transformation is not one you have to walk alone. Seeking help from professionals, trusted friends, or even a higher power can help you process unresolved feelings and dismantle old coping mechanisms. This support system is crucial as you work to rediscover your true self and step into a space of inner peace and freedom.

The next time you notice certain feeling or behavior, learn to:

  1. Acknowledge and Validate: Addressing any coping mechanism is to acknowledge that it exists and validate the part of you that developed it to protect yourself. This validation allows you to start the healing process.
  2. Identify Triggers: Take time to notice the people, places, and situations that trigger your coping mechanisms. Understanding these triggers can help you gain control over your reactions.
  3. Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Whether it’s from a higher power, a trusted friend, or a professional, getting support can make the journey to healing much more manageable.

Coping mechanisms are your mind’s way of protecting us, but they can become destructive if left unchecked. By acknowledging these behaviors, understanding their root causes, and embracing the discomfort that comes with healing, you can begin to dismantle these patterns and move toward the inner peace and freedom you’ve been seeking.

In this episode, I share:

  • A deeper understanding of the unconscious fears and feelings that drive negative behaviors.
  • The first step to understand why we are running and what uncomfortable feelings you aren’t willing to feel
  • Actionable steps to look at what triggers you and what to do instead of reacting to it this week

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

obstacle

How To Get Beyond Your Obstacle Today

obstacle

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Imagine you’re working on a crucial project, and suddenly, your computer crashes, wiping out hours of work, or your best worker quits. Panic sets in, right? But what if you could remain calm, view the situation objectively, and even turn it to your advantage?

When faced with obstacles, many of us crumble under pressure, consumed by stress and anxiety. Yet, our ability to navigate through life’s hurdles can be significantly enhanced by adopting a shift in perspective. 

In this episode, I’m sharing a powerful formula for overcoming any obstacle in your life. I was inspired by my recent trip to Italy and the timeless wisdom of Marcus Aurelius. These principles, practiced by great leaders and innovators, can help you not only face the hurdles that come your way but also empower you to find calm and clarity amidst chaos.

Understanding the Nature of Obstacles

Life is full of unexpected hurdles, from minor inconveniences to significant life changes. These interruptions often catch us off guard and disrupt our routine. But how we handle these obstacles defines our journey. 

During my trip through Venice, Rome, and Florence, I was amazed at the ancient monuments and masterpieces. These structures, some over 2000 years old, were built despite monumental physical, emotional, and mental obstacles. The perseverance of those builders is a testament to human resilience and ingenuity.

The Philosophy of Stoicism

Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor from 140 AD, is renowned for his philosophical writings that have withstood the test of time. His writings emphasize turning obstacles into opportunities and transforming trials into triumphs. This philosophy, known as stoicism, teaches us to be objective, maintain our composure, and find solutions rather than give in to panic.

How to Remove Overwhelm in Obstacles Using Stoicism Philosophy

Practice Being Objective

One thing is for sure: we don’t want to bring our emotions to confront our struggles. Our problems can make us emotional, triggering a fight-or-flight state, clouding our judgment, and leading to poor decision-making. This does not help us with the obstacles, but too often, we do it anyway.

So, the one skill that can help us prevent ourselves from experiencing this extreme emotion is being objective.

For example, when astronauts train for space missions. Half of their training focuses on technology and space operations, and the other half emphasizes maintaining composure in unexpected situations. Like astronauts, staying calm allows us to access wisdom and solutions for unexpected turns that life takes. 

Keep a Cool Head

Keeping a cool head doesn’t mean suppressing emotions. It means recognizing when they are unhelpful and choosing to focus on solutions first rather than allowing emotions to dictate our actions. Try to remain calm amid an anxious state.

I recently watched the movie “The Long Game” with my family. It is a story about a coach who teaches young golfers to respond to obstacles with a clear head. Using golf as a metaphor for life, the coach illustrates how to handle unexpected challenges without getting emotional, emphasizing the importance of responding to the situation as it is. Sometimes we land in the bunker. Sometimes in the green. The successful take the next step from where the ball lies. 

Perspective is Power

I recall a time when I lost an important article I was writing for a book. All of a sudden, it was gone. But instead of panicking, wasting energy, and despairing over the lost work, I altered my perspective to stay calm and immediately started anew. Surprisingly, my second attempt turned out better than the first. By embracing the obstacle, I not only salvaged the situation but also improved upon it.

We can’t control the obstacles themselves, but we can control the meaning we assign them. By choosing a positive and proactive viewpoint, we can transform challenges into stepping stones toward success.

The next time you face an obstacle in life or business, try to:

  1. Keep a Cool Head: Maintain composure in the face of adversity. Like astronauts and military personnel, train yourself to stay calm and focused during unforeseen challenges.
  2. Practice Being Objective: Separate emotions from problem-solving. Emotions can be processed later; your immediate task is to address the obstacle objectively.
  3. Alter Your Perspective: Our perspective shapes our reality. Shift the meaning you assign to obstacles. Instead of seeing them as roadblocks, view them as integral parts of your journey and opportunities for growth.

Remember, you cannot get through life without obstacles. Trust that the obstacle is part of your path, that it is meant to be there, and that it is designed to help you in whatever way you are going. You’ve got this.

In this episode, I share:

  • The importance of using obstacles as a path forward rather than seeing them as mere hindrances.
  • Learn how to alter your perspective to transform your trials into triumphs.
  • Develop a calm and objective state when unexpected things happen.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

pre-mortem exercise

Mastering the Pre-Mortem: Boost Your Team’s Success and Your Personal Goals With This Simple Exercise

pre-mortem exercise

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

Planning is often seen as the cornerstone of success. Yet, even the most meticulously crafted plans can encounter unforeseen obstacles. So, how can we better prepare for these inevitable bumps in the road?

In this episode, I’ll share an exercise called the pre-mortem, which can help you flip the script and plan for potential pitfalls so you can avoid them altogether. Whether you’re leading a team of 100 — or just yourself —  this powerful exercise can dramatically increase your chances of success!

What is a Pre-Mortem?

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of internal strategists at a company. These strategists are crucial in driving their organization’s strategic goals, often juggling multiple stakeholders with varying priorities and skill sets. 

It can be a challenging environment, and they wanted to know if there was a way to establish ownership and commitment early on to boost their chances of success.

The answer was yes— the pre-mortem.

A pre-mortem is essentially the opposite of a post-mortem. In a medical setting, a post-mortem analyzes what caused a person to die. Similarly in a business setting a post-mortem looks at what has caused a project to fail after it has already failed. A pre-mortem involves imagining that the project has failed before it even begins and then identifying the reasons for this hypothetical failure. 

This proactive approach allows teams and individuals to foresee and address potential issues in advance, thereby improving the chances of success.

Implementing a Pre-Mortem in Team Settings

When leading a team or multiple groups with different priorities, conducting a pre-mortem can quickly establish ownership and commitment among team members. Here’s a couple of effective methods to implement it:

The Checklist Method: If you have an experienced team, you likely already know common reasons for project failures, and you can create a checklist from them. Before starting any new project, review this comprehensive checklist with your team and allow each member to assess potential problems against known issues.

The Brainstorming Method: For a more organic approach, begin by informing team members that the project has hypothetically failed. Give everyone a few minutes to write down all possible reasons for this failure. This method can bring unnoticed but critical issues to light because it encourages fresh perspectives. This leads to a list of potential pitfalls and allows you to address them upfront, strengthening your project plan from the get-go.

For example, someone in operations might highlight technical limitations, while someone in sales might point out market risks. By foreseeing these issues early, you can plan around them, enhancing the project’s chances of success.

Applying the Pre-Mortem to Personal Goals

The beauty of the pre-mortem exercise is that it’s not limited to team projects; it’s also beneficial for personal goal setting. Here’s how you can use it for your own aspirations:

Career Transition: Imagine you have a goal to transition to a more fulfilling career by the end of the year. Instead of starting with enthusiasm and risking a loss of momentum, presuppose that you’ve failed to make the transition. Ask yourself why. Common reasons might include doubting your capabilities, not reaching out for support, or letting other priorities interfere.

By identifying these potential pitfalls at the outset, you can create a stronger, more realistic plan to overcome them. For instance, if imposter syndrome is a concern, you might seek mentorship or professional development opportunities to build your confidence.

Enjoying Your Summer: If your goal is to have a memorable summer, imagine it’s the end of summer, and you feel unfulfilled. Why? Perhaps you didn’t plan activities, prioritize family time, or make spontaneous decisions. By identifying these regrets and the reasons for them in advance, you can proactively plan and schedule activities to ensure a fun and fulfilling summer.

Why use a Pre-Mortem?

With a pre-mortem, you aren’t left to deal with the aftermath of failure; instead, you proactively anticipate and address obstacles. This exercise leads to multiple benefits:

  • Improves Efficiency and Prioritization: By identifying potential problems early, the team (and you) can address them before they become actual issues, saving time and resources.
  • Enhances Focus and Commitment: Team members feel valued for their input and are more committed to the project’s success.
  • Encourages Honest Communication: Team members are more likely to voice concerns and identify issues that might otherwise go unmentioned.
  • Reduces Post-Launch Surprises: Spotting and addressing problems before they arise minimizes last-minute chaos and enhances overall project stability.

Try a Pre-Mortem on Your Next Project!

Choose a project or goal you have right now, conduct a pre-mortem, and see how it transforms your planning and execution. Here’s some tips to help you get started:

  1. Start Small: Practice the pre-mortem exercise with smaller projects or goals to get comfortable with the process.
  2. Be Honest: Encourage honesty and openness during the brainstorming session to uncover all potential issues.
  3. Use the Findings: Act on the identified issues by incorporating solutions into your project plan, ensuring they are addressed from the start.

The pre-mortem exercise is a powerful tool that can significantly improve your chances of success in both professional and personal pursuits.

By anticipating failure and addressing potential issues early, you set yourself and your team up for success. 

Whether you’re leading a large project or pursuing a personal goal, give the pre-mortem a try. You’ll find it transforms the way you plan and execute, helping you avoid pitfalls and achieve your aspirations with greater ease and confidence.

Don’t forget to share your experiences and results—I can’t wait to see what you create!

In this episode:

  • Understand the importance of “failure planning” to help create realistic plans and avoid common pitfalls.
  • Learn the ways to address potential issues before they arise, increasing the likelihood of project success.
  • Develop and encourage team members to voice their concerns and take ownership of fostering a collaborative and committed environment.

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

overcome rejection

Key Strategies To Overcome Rejection So You Remain Unstoppable

overcome rejection

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

Have you ever felt paralyzed by the fear of rejection or failure? These setbacks are universal experiences that often stall us from pursuing our dreams. But what if I told you that rejection could be your greatest ally in achieving your future success? 

Imagine turning every “no” into a powerful stepping stone that propels you forward. By accurately assessing what is holding you back and redefining rejection as redirection, you can unlock new paths to success and embrace every setback as a setup for something greater. 

In this episode, I’m sharing a few ways to reframe rejection and failure, featuring personalities like NFL player Robert Spillane, Jamie Lee McKern, and Taylor Swift to embrace rejections in your favor and empower you to chase your dreams with renewed confidence and resilience.

The Truth About Rejection and Success

This past weekend, Robert Spillane was the commencement speaker at my daughter’s high school graduation. Robert is both a graduate of her high school and a starting linebacker for the Las Vegas Raiders. He graduated a decade ago and shared his story, openly discussing the rejections and failures he experienced along the way.

Robert went undrafted before his NFL career began and described key moments when he worked hard but was not asked to join a team. Many would have given up, but he kept showing up despite the many no’s, embarrassments, and rejections. His story made me think about how we can all stay standing and pursue our dreams despite setbacks.

Redefining Rejection

Like all things, nothing has meaning, but the meaning we give it and rejections aren’t any different. Often, we link rejection with feeling unworthy or not enough. I know for me, it used to be easy to associate a goal not happening the way I wanted with my own lack of worth. I see this happen to people all the time. Maybe your business idea wasn’t accepted by the team, a friend chooses someone else to attend an event, or someone provides negative feedback at work. 

But rejection and failure only mean those things because we give them those meanings. We can choose to redecide, reframe, or redefine the meaning we give to rejection so we keep moving forward.

Here are three ways of handling rejections and failures, so you overcome them — every time.  I hope you try them out for yourself.

Rejection is God’s Protection

One powerful rejection reframe is from Jamie Kern Lima, founder of IT Cosmetics. She built her business into one of the largest luxury makeup companies in the country, eventually selling it for $1.2 billion. Jamie went through many rejections and failures, but early on she redefined rejection as “God’s protection.” This means that if something didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to happen. Instead of feeling abandoned, you can trust that there’s a larger plan at work that you may not be able to see right now. The universe has your back!

It’s Not Part of Your Destiny

Another perspective is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not part of your ultimate destiny. Sometimes, your value or gifts are being divinely hidden because it’s not the right path for you. We often think we know what’s best for us, but in hindsight, we often can see clearly why certain things didn’t work out. This understanding helps us accept rejection as a redirection toward what truly is meant for us ultimately.

Thank the Rejection

Learn to thank the rejection, knowing it’s preparing you for future success. Taylor Swift provides a great example of this. She describes being mistreated and made fun of during her rise to fame by another celebrity, which helped her build resilience. Without those painful experiences, she might not have achieved her current success. Embrace rejection as a necessary step in building the skills and strength needed for your future achievements.

The next time you face rejection and failure, try to:

  1. Reframe Rejection: Redefine rejection as protection or redirection from a higher power or destiny, which helps you stay positive and keep moving forward.
  2. Recognize Your Growth: Understand that rejection is a sign of growth and a necessary step in achieving your dreams. Successful people have faced many rejections. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing.
  3. Embrace Resilience: Use rejection as an opportunity to build resilience and prepare for future success. Thank the rejection for the lessons it brings. 

Rejection, like life, is not happening to us; it’s happening for us.

Your call to action: Identify the areas in your life where you feel blocked, ask yourself how you would act if you weren’t afraid of rejection? Then take that first micro-step. You are more ready to succeed than you think you are.

In this episode, I share:

  • Understanding that rejection is not a reflection of your worth but an opportunity for growth and redirection
  • Examples highlighting journeys that went through rejection and how they turned setbacks into set-ups
  • Four practical strategies for showing up and pursuing dreams the next time your met with a rejection or failure

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

best self

How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self

best self

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

​​How do you engage in pressured situations while maintaining your best self? What do you do to manage and prevent stressful situations from negatively impacting your behavior?

In an ideal world, we don’t feel pressure at all—we hold boundaries, disarm conflict, and let things roll off our back. But we know that’s not reality all the time, right? We are complex creatures with emotions and past experiences that can trigger us. Whether it’s deadlines, difficult conversations with colleagues, or even complicated family matters — pressure is an unavoidable part of life. 

Of course, being self-aware is the first and foremost way to decrease our reactivity. By examining what triggers us, shining a flashlight on our blindspots and peeling back the layers, we can unlock our best selves and our best levels of leadership. BUT what do you do when the pressureful situation still strikes and you are knee-deep in it? 

In this episode, I’ll dive into how we can handle these moments in real-time without losing control and instead become models of the behavior we most want to see in our board rooms, classrooms, and family rooms. 

The Reality of Pressure and Its Impact

Recognizing and understanding why we feel pressure in different scenarios can help us improve our self-awareness in the moment.

In a meeting I witnessed a team member, Tom, becoming increasingly agitated. His voice grew louder and more aggressive. The tension was evident and most in the room grew progressively uncomfortable. But then, Tom did something extraordinary. He paused, took a breath, and became aware of his behavior in real-time. Tom performed a quick self-assessment and chose to change his approach. He then apologized, acknowledged the pressure he was under and said that it still didn’t justify his behavior. This honest self-assessment and admission not only transformed Tom, but also transformed others in the room, allowing everyone to relax and feel compassion. It brought the team back to the real issue, enabling us to work together more effectively. 

The Way We React to the World is Significant

Unexpected and uncontrollable events happen all the time. So, we need to know what we can do to avoid being hijacked by these moments and instead maintain our best selves. We need effective strategies. The good news is that there are ways to dismantle and redirect these pressureful situations before they escalate or harm our relationships and careers.

Here are the Five Steps to Maintain Your Best Self Under Pressure 

  • Be Aware of the Moment

Recognizing these pressureful moments makes all the difference. It might seem simple, but it’s not. Pressure triggers an instinctive response from our sympathetic nervous system, often before we’re even aware of it. Noticing physical signs like increased heart rate, faster speech, or sweaty palms can help you become aware that you are moving to a flight or flight response.

  • Pause

Once you’re aware of a pressureful situation, pause. This allows you to become an objective observer of your situation. By stepping outside yourself and looking back — neutrally —  you can see your behavior as it’s occurring. Slowing your heart rate down with deep breathing is extremely influential when you notice the physical experience of fear manifesting in your body. One simple way is to inhale for four, hold for seven, exhale for seven. This will reduce the pressured feeling in the moment and move you from a reactive to a calm state. 

  • Give Your Pressured Self a Direction

When I feel pressured, I am open to help.  The good news I’ve learned is that we can actually help ourselves in these moments. For me, the simple direction of “release” can take me back to my center. It’s like telling a dog to drop the bone. This simple direction can shift me when the pressure is mounting and I feel more defensive or aggressive in a certain moment. 

Becoming defensive under pressure is a very natural and common way we armor up to protect ourselves when we interpret a situation as threatening. Unfortunately, being defensive (other than when we are being physically attacked) is also unproductive and detrimental. You can’t be at your best—thinking clearly or solving problems effectively—when you’re defensive. So, when you feel the urge to react negatively, remind yourself to “release” the fear or tension in that moment. 

  • Perform a Self-Assessment

We know that when we feel pressured, we’re often driven by fear or worry. Certainly not our best selves. To get to the root of why this is, ask yourself these two questions: “What am I really afraid of?” and “What is my truth”? Often, our fears are irrational and identifying the truth allows us to return from our pressured selves back to our best selves. 

This was best demonstrated by Tom when he was able to do this in real-time and owned what he feared — that his team wouldn’t perform and that would lead to his failure and judgment from stakeholders. He then identified what was as true (or more true) than his fear, that he could lead his team to successful completion with his colleagues’ support. By pulling out of his fear, he was able to not lose control and instead access better resources and support.

  • Follow the #1 Leadership Principle: Lead from Love

One way to practice this is to ask yourself, “What would love do here?” This principle helps you respond with empathy and compassion rather than fear and defensiveness. Choose to lead from love even when the pressure is on. 

Now, whenever you feel pressure rising, you have a complete process to help you rise as an employee or leader:

    1. Be aware you’re in a pressure moment. Name that pressureful moment.
    2. Pause. Objectively observe yourself.
    3. Give direction and help your pressured self.  Simply provide the part of you that is in fight or flight to  “release.”
    4. Perform a self-assessment. Start asking yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and “What is the truth?” Then behave according to the truth.
    5. Lead from Love. 

Remember, if you shut down, others shut down. When you stay calm you will elicit calm from others. 

In each pressured moment lies an opportunity to exhibit your highest potential. Use these strategies to transform pressure into growth and demonstrate emotional maturity that sets you apart and drives you towards more substantial, fulfilling outcomes in every area of your life.

In this episode, I share:

  • How to recognize a pressured moment as it’s rising 
  • How to avoid reacting and instead dismantle a pressured situation like the great leaders do
  • Five simple, practical steps you can use in real-time to maintain your best when the pressure is high
  • The role and advantage of self-awareness when the stakes are high and the decisions matter

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

enneagram

(Part 2) Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent

enneagram

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Today we’re continuing our conversation about expanding and improving your self-awareness, leadership, and relationship growth through the profound and popular Enneagram assessment. 

Maybe you’ve never done self-growth work before, or maybe you’re someone like me who has spent decades doing personal growth work—either way, you’ll find this to be extremely enlightening! There’s so much to the Enneagram—you can go as shallow or as deep as you’d like with the material. Think of it as a life-long journey.

The very best part of this episode is my guest. She’s the sought-after relationship consultant, Enneagram expert, and wise woman—whom I get to call a friend—Leslie Neugent. 

Meet Leslie Neugent of Relationship Matters

Leslie has had leadership roles in business, academics and in ministry. After earning her undergraduate and Master’s degrees from Northwestern University, Leslie began her career in advertising. Though she successfully rose through the ranks to become a Vice President, she decided that the advertising world wasn’t a good match from her spirit. She then went to work for for Texas Christian University in Fort Worth and served as the Director of Admissions for the MBA Program. After taking some time off for motherhood, she entered seminary training where she got her Master’s in Divinity Degree and became a Minister.

How did Leslie get started with the Enneagram?

Leslie was introduced to the Enneagram as part of her seminary training, and she found it to be such an incredible tool for her own personal growth that she went on to be mentored by the internationally renowned Enneagram master, teacher, and author, Russ Hudson. Leslie became certified as an Enneagram teacher and consultant through the Enneagram Institute in New York, and then in 2020, launched her own relationship consulting business called Relationship Matters. 

“I had an experience with the Enneagram in seminary where I realized to be a minister, I had to work on some of my blind spots that came with my Enneagram.”

The Enneagram was remarkably transformative for her and sparked her interest in the tool. 

“I came to realize that there are some very, very specific and nuanced themes that people struggle with and deal with in relationships. Once they become aware of them and realize that there are places they’re stuck and where they have superpowers they’re overusing which can crash into other people that they love’s nervous systems—that is where the money line is.”

Who does Leslie work with?

Today, Leslie works with individuals, couples, families, businesses and groups to help develop the self-awareness that’s necessary for us to heal, grow and optimize our relationships. She’s a speaker, consultant and workshop leader.

My family and I have had the privilege of working with Leslie using the Enneagram and am delighted to have this opportunity to introduce her to you.

What is the Enneagram?

The Enneagram is a psychology-spiritual tool that helps us recognize that tells us a lot of things about ourselves, primarily where we’re stuck. 

There are nine types within the Enneagram. It identifies what your superpower or gift is that you’ve developed as your way of showing up. The ego needs a way to show up and feel valued and the Enneagram organizes that information into 9 buckets.

Think about B.F. Skinner and his work around positive reinforcement. As children, we need that and these gifts are survival mechanism. This is a beautiful thing because we start learning where we fit in the world, and how we can move forward, strive, thrive, and survive. We lean into that and we get good at it. 

How does the Enneagram work and why does it matter to leadership and relationships?

In these nine types, there are nine different coping mechanisms or different ways of showing up and feeling valued. They are all necessary and good. 

What happens as we get older and our ego takes the wheel is that we fall asleep to all other possibilities of how we can show up, which is very limiting and in some cases can be damaging.  And this is how our unique motivation is formed.

We show up into a family system that’s in action. The movie is already happening. The family system may be healthy, may not be, but your little baby self shows up. 

And as a child in those pre-language, toddler-ish years, we have a special survival mechanism which B.F. Skinner termed “behaviorism.”

We start trying different things. We get assertive, stomp our feet, and yell. Because, again, this is pre-language and all we have to express ourselves are our actions.

You might get language back to you about being quiet, what the right thing to do is, or how you “should” behave. Perhaps you get non-verbal cues about what you should or should not be doing. Whatever the response is, our nervous systems are receiving this information and learning what to do to protect ourselves.

And from there, we learn what the reward system is which helps us develop our coping mechanism. The problem is, we don’t grow out of that or intuitively learn how to balance our gifts once we hit adulthood. That’s where the Enneagram comes in.

The Enneagram groups these coping mechanisms together in 9 different groups, which are categorized as Types. Each group has its own network of motivations and behaviors.

When we talk about our number (or our Type), think of it as your home base. It’s your superpower or gift, but it can also be your Achilles heel.

This is where we grow from. One of the dangers in Enneagram work (when it’s done too superficially) is it becomes our badge. We can begin to “blame” things on our Enneagram type instead of using it as a tool to inspire personal and professional growth.

First we get aware—80% of things can be changed simply with the awareness of them. And then the Enneagram gives you a roadmap for what to do with that awareness.

Brief introduction to the motivations of the 9 Enneagram personality types

What I love about the Enneagram is the whole idea that every single one of the nine types is a superpower—all of them are good. 

The Enneagram is so rich because it’s so positive. It is such a simple system, and yet you can get very deep with it as well.

There are essentially 3 tiers to the system: liberated, evolved, and restricted. When we’re at our most liberated or our most evolved, that’s when we are using our superpower to its five-star level. When we’re overusing our gift (think of it almost like an Achilles heel), that’s when we are relying on it too heavily, and we have to be aware. 

There is in fact so much to the Enneagram that we’ve decided to split this into two parts. What follows is the Enneagram basics for Type 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7. You can find Type 8, 9, 1, and 2 over here!

Type 3

(This is me!)

Type 3’s superpower or gift

The Achiever or The Performer. This is a productive energy. They’re assertive, they’re leaders, and they’re incredibly efficient! 3’s just know how to get the job done and done well.

3’s are also chameleons. Leslie has seen many high level executives that are 3’s lose who they are because they’re so busy being what the world wants and needs them to be.

How are Type 3’s motivated?

3’s are in the Shame Triad with 2’s and feel that they must do something in order to be valued. They feel like they have to get this thing done quickly so they can move on to the next thing they have to get done!

Type 3’s should be aware of

3’s have to learn to bring their heart back into the space, which is tough for them because feelings can be really inefficient. While that may be true in the short term, relationships will actually make the achievements even sweeter in the long run.

Type 4

(Leslie’s son is a 4.)

Type 4’s superpower or gift

The Individualist. They’re our artists, musicians, and creators. They see beauty where, often, many of us don’t. 

They’re a sensitive energy and have an ability to hold all of the hard and light emotions—without trying to fix it. (This is very different from most—if not all—of the other Types who like to fix things.)

How are Type 4’s motivated?

Early on in life, they learn that they need to be different to be valued. They’re in the Fear Triad. So they may fear being abandoned and therefore make themselves such that they stand out from the crowd.

Type 4’s should be aware of

4’s work so hard to be different and unique, yet they become jealous of the “common man” and sense of “normal.” It’s important for 4’s to realize this is a box they put themselves in and that they can rewrite the script if they’d like!

Type 5

Type 5’s superpower or gift

The Observer or The Investigator. This is a suspicious energy. They have sober judgment—they can be objective. 5’s possess an extremely steady energy and will give a very reasoned point of view. 

How are Type 5’s motivated?

They’re thinkers and live in the theme of fear. When they’re young, they perceive that resources are limited. They like to dive deep and become expert on things. 

Type 5’s should be aware of

Because they have that perception from childhood that there’s not enough to go around, 5’s tend to hoard whatever it is they have—whether it be information, resources, money, etc. They can become busy analyzing life instead of living it.

Type 6

(One of my daughters is a Type 6)

Type 6’s superpower or gift

The Loyalist or The Skeptic. (Think of 6’s as a lite Type 8.) They have much of the same big, assertive energy—minus the anger of an 8. They’re like the Boy Scouts of the Enneagram. They’re loyal, trustworthy, and honest. 

They have an intense sense of responsibility to their inner circle—family, friends, or colleagues. 6’s have very much of a “leave no man behind” energy. 

How are Type 6’s motivated?

6’s want certainty. They want to be sure of their next steps and are motivated by fear. 6’s are a worrying energy. They’re in the Fear Triad with 5’s and 7’s.

6’s often operate from this mentality of “I must get this right and know the answer. Because of this they’ll seek to gather more and more information. But the thing is, there’s no such thing as being 100% sure. 6’s only need to do their best and then let it go.

Type 6’s should be aware of

They can have a cynical view of the world, they’re suspicious and jump to the worst case scenario. But sometimes the one who can only see what’s wrong, can only see what could go wrong—and that can be a hard place to live.

Type 7

Type 7’s superpower or gift

The Enthusiast or The Adventurer. This is the positive outlook energy extraordinaire. They can take anything that happens and find the silver lining. They’re fun, visionaries, and love new ideas!

How are Type 7’s motivated?

7’s are in the Fear Triad. They learn young to dust themselves off when they fall off the bike or a relationship ends and just keep going. 

Their fear is related to not wanting to look at their inner world (emotions), and to help with this they keep their minds occupied.

Type 7’s should be aware of

When 7’s get frustrated, they get irritable because you’re holding back the fun of life. They don’t learn the tools for sitting in things that are hard or painful (for example: metabolizing grief). So they will become distracted and numb themselves to be distracted and not have to address the hard things. 

Go to Part 1 for the beginning of this conversation!

Freshen up on Types 8, 9, 1, and 2.

In this episode, I share:

  • Real examples to show what makes the Enneagram different, how it works, and how it improves relationships in homes and in the workplace
  • Why the worst part of you is the best part of you
  • How relationships without self-awareness can lead to misunderstanding and self-deception
  • Where you can take a reliable Enneagram assessment

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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