self-worth

What Working Hard May Tell You About Your Self-Worth

self-worth

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

I’m going in deeper than I have in the past on a topic I haven’t really covered before—self-worth. 

In part, it has to do with a conversation from a previous Playing Full Out podcast episode devoted to why we overwork. It’s called How to Work Less Without the Worry. 

I heard from many of you who had more questions and said you really resonated with  the topic. That you’ve accomplished a lot in so many ways, but continue to struggle with being able to stop working so hard or to slow down and enjoy what you’ve already created and achieved. That no matter what you have accomplished it never feels like it’s enough which makes it hard to ever shake the push to work harder, accomplish, and hustle more.

One business owner shared that he thought when he reached a certain level that he’d finally feel satisfied, but that something is still missing. 

He said he’d give anything to be able to enjoy more of his accomplishments — but that he always seems to be chasing something more.

I completely understand. It’s something I learned about myself for the first time a long time ago that explained so much of my dissatisfaction and my compulsion to hustle—even after I had achieved something that I thought would give me the feeling that I was missing. 

It had everything to do with a belief in my self-worth, which is the topic of this episode.

Many years ago, I walked into the office of an individual who I was hoping would help me identify a more satisfying career.  I left with what I thought was an unusual assignment. My homework was to embrace the belief that I am worthy of unconditional love. 

The woman said, “Understand that you don’t have to accomplish another thing in order to be worthy.” 

That felt incredibly uncomfortable. And while it was nice, I didn’t see what that had to do with me identifying a fulfilling career. What I hadn’t seen was that most of my life, I believed that if I only accomplished and achieved enough, then I would be enough. I would feel worthy. 

I hadn’t seen that I was always being driven by this deep belief that my worth was directly correlated to my accomplishments. 

It was this belief that kept me hustling and working hard to achieve more. Because I figured if I pleased enough people, if I accumulated the things that most considered representations of success and if I got enough validation and recognition, that I’d finally feel those feelings of fulfillment that I was yearning for. 

I hadn’t seen that this was at the root of what was driving me to spend long hours working 3 jobs, working out constantly, perfecting my work, pleasing my bosses along with my family, and friends — and never feeling real satisfaction. 

But these beliefs didn’t then—and still don’t—foster fulfillment because they aren’t true at all. 

These beliefs are based on a lie. The lie that we have to achieve and work hard and do more in order to be worthy. 

It made sense why it was so uncomfortable for me to slow down and enjoy what was in front of me.

Since then I’ve spent a lot of my professional life with incredibly successful people on the outside. But whether they’ve had career or financial success—it never felt like it was enough. 

So they did the only thing they knew—the only thing they’d ever been taught—they worked harder.

Hear me out. No one has ever come to me and said they have a self-worth problem. 

We have relationship problems, business problems, health problems, and career problems. 

Self-worth is not one of them. 

But Jamie Kern Lima in her book, Worthy, shares the numbers struggling with worthiness issues and they might surprise you.

  • 90% of women struggle with not feeling enough. 
  • 73% of female executives battle with imposter syndrome. 

And before you think it’s just a female issue, note that the numbers for men are almost the same.

  • 70% of men feel inadequate. 

These numbers are staggering as well as sad because not feeling worthy prevents us from sharing our brilliance. And we never feel truly satisfied. 

How do you know whether self-worth may be at the root of your current problem?  If you struggle with: 

  • walking into a meeting 
  • asking for what you want 
  • speaking what you think
  • promoting yourself
  • stagnating on accomplishing an important milestone or
  • holding a boundary to work less

…these are all signs that you may need to start with looking at the faulty belief of “I am not worthy enough.”

We often believe we need more confidence, or new tactics or techniques, but—self-confidence is an external experience, while self-worth is an internal matter. 

Trying to feel fulfilled by accomplishing more, will simply not work. It’s like threading a needle while you’re wearing boxing gloves. It’s absolutely impossible. 

While achievement can make you feel a lot of things—empowered, more self-confident, stronger—it will never make you feel worthy.

I am sure you—just as I didn’t—don’t think there’s a self-worth issue.

It had never occurred to me that my feelings of not believing I was enough could resolve my  external problems of working too hard, not liking the career I was pursuing or my financial situation — but it did.

If you’re in a career that is wonderful or looks good by external measures, but… you don’t feel worthy of having it, then you’re not going to show up at your highest levels of capacity or ability or talent. 

We can achieve all the things that make us look like a success, but if we don’t have the feeling or identity of someone who is worthy of that success—exactly as we are, without doing another thing or without anything else—then we can achieve all those things, but we’re never really going to feel fulfilled.

I’ve learned that people can gain more self-confidence and move through their failures, have higher performance, achieve big milestones, but if they haven’t learned how to increase their belief that they are worthy, they’re never really going to feel the satisfaction and fulfillment they are yearning for. 

Many of us are realizing that despite having accomplished all the things that we thought would make us feel fulfilled or satisfied, that we’re still missing the feeling of internal satisfaction. 

The biggest costs to those in a position of leadership when they don’t feel worthy enough or are dealing with imposter syndrome are how it hinders decision making abilities, leads to self-sabotage, and keeps us individuals stuck in hustle mode. 

Our cultural conditioning trained us that we must hustle for our worth.  

But the truth is we’ve been worthy since the day we were born.

Understand that just by existing—no matter what socioeconomic level, title, or what you’ve accomplished—You Are Worthy. 

The reality is that I still work on cultivating my own self-worth everyday. I can see when I’m stagnating on important decisions or not showing up fully. 

But as I have thoughts that I’m supposed to get approval from others or when I’m not accepting a challenge—it’s then that I take a breath and use the very tools I encourage my clients to use. 

When you find yourself not feeling worthy, do this exercise

Notice those times when you’re stagnating, overthinking, stalling, or maybe even changing who you are to get approval.

Then write out what I call a Worthy List. 

Start by writing the things you’re not doing, or feeling, or experiencing. And then in front of it, write “I am worthy to.” 

For example:

    • I am worthy to rest.
    • I am worthy to take a vacation.
    • I am worthy to make a career change.
    • I am worthy to not take on that project.
    • I am worthy to love myself exactly as I am.
    • I am worthy to say “no thank you” to the invitation or 
    • I am worthy to say “no more” to the work I don’t like

When you feel worthy of the role you are in or what you have, it doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals or dreams—it means you don’t pursue them with the belief that they’re going to make you feel fulfilled. 

What you want is when you do achieve these things, you’re able to enjoy them. And if you don’t achieve them, you feel worthy regardless! 

That is the “there” so many high-achievers are pursuing. It’s the feeling of internal peace, satisfaction and fulfillment regardless of what level of success we’ve hit or what anyone else thinks.

The great news is that you can learn to feel worthy.  

And when you learn to feel that you are enough, it will allow you to stop working so hard and hustling to achieve because you’ll realize it already exists within you. You’ve had it all along.

In this episode, I share:

  • How not feeling worthy negatively can affect your business, career, health, and relationships
  • Signs to spot feelings of unworthiness 
  • A quick exercise in the journey of learning to feel worthy

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The One Strategy To Level Up Your Problem Solving

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Future Writing — a skill that can change your business and life 

I honed one skill that catapulted my career and continues to build my business, relationships, and life. It makes me more available for my priorities and a happier and better human on a daily basis as well. I am excited to share it with you today! When I first began using this technique, I was blown away by its results and haven’t stopped using it since. 

If you’re driven and striving to make the next half your best half, but maybe you’ve had some situation of late that’s been causing you to struggle — anything from

  • having a difficult conversation with a peer
  • increasing work that you wonder if you’ll ever get over the finish line
  • struggling with wanting a more harmonious blend of work and personal life

…you’re going to want to try this future writing technique!

It makes things lighter and easier. And research shows it will increase your overall level of happiness. 

Future writing is so powerful — perhaps one of the most powerful catalysts for change — because it illuminates obstacles and ideas. The best part is that this exercise takes only 5-7 minutes a day! 

The research has found that it’s especially helpful when you are experiencing a down feeling or a problem situation because it can shift your state and your decision-making quickly. 

Before we get into this Future Writing technique

Think about this:

Are you experiencing a particularly difficult problem right now? 

(When I ask this in a group, most people raise their hand.)

Most of us have something on our mind that we’d be open to improving or is a struggle on some level. 

Now, I want you to think about this: 

Have you ever had a difficult problem, and it later turned out to be something that worked out in your favor? 

(This was something that proved to be a catalyst — that moved you toward something that was better.)

For example, let’s say you leave for several days at Christmas and return to a house that is completely underwater from the third floor to the first because a pipe burst. But! As they are fixing it, you find something that could have become an even bigger problem, and now you avoid it. ( My true story.) 

An example of a problem that turned out to be a catalyst toward something better

Someone I know recently found herself in the ER for a broken arm. While she was getting it set in the ER, they realized something else wasn’t quite right. They took additional tests and were able to detect a rare cancer early that she can begin treatment with now. 

What she saw as a struggle was the catalyst that saved her life.

Other examples:

  • maybe you lost your job and got a better one as a result
  • a relationship ended, and you then met the love of your life  

So what if the problem you are facing right now is exactly what you need, but your mind is playing tricks on you? 

Your brain is telling you, “This is a big problem!”

Despite what you and I know and have experienced — which is that in nearly every case we not only get through the situation, but we are better off for it — our brains seem to forget this every. single. time. 

We think to ourselves, “Sure, I made it through that, but this is really bad! This one is serious. I don’t know if I can handle this one, and if I do, I can’t see how it will bring anything positive with it.”

Sound familiar?  

Rarely when we are sitting in one of these situations is our brain ever going to say, “Oh, this problem will land me in a fabulous position. This is exciting, and I am confident I will come out on top and this is the catalyst for something great!”  

Our brains just do not do that.  

Looking back, it is easy for the brain to see how things aligned to move us forward and worked out to our benefit. That’s easy to do, and it’s willing to go there, but approaching something in the future in that manner — not so much.

But you and I know that our thoughts determine our reaction to things.

What if you could use a “future journaling” process to do what your brain can’t?

What if we could project ourselves into the future and develop a new perspective on what once seemed to be a challenging situation?

What researchers found when they put Future Journaling to the test…

When students wrote a description of their best possible future selves for 20 minutes each day, after several weeks, the students reported an increase in their overall level of happiness.  

When you are down or experiencing some struggle (even a big one that feels absolutely impossible), you can take as little as 5-7 minutes to Future Journal and completely change your state.

This immediately improves your ability to come up with new solutions, creative ideas, and reach a higher frequency, which inspires others and thereby, actually receives the benefits from this situation.  

We will never experience that which we have not first imagined. We will not create what we have not imagined.

Our brain seeks to make what we are thinking right, and therein lies the power of Future Writing. 

This enables us to talk to our brain in the way the brain listens. 

I’ll tell you how to do this in a moment, but let me give another example.  I heard from a lot of you after my recent podcast around a struggle many are having with a long-term pattern of working hard and the deep desire in the next half not to continue this because it is costing you so much.  Many of you said yes, that is me and I have all of those coping mechanisms, I want for approval, control, and safety. But how do I change that now that I know?

First, excellent awareness! You brought to the conscious level what was unconscious. The unconscious is simply what you are not aware of or haven’t seen.

Now, to change that, you can use Future Writing.  I don’t want you to believe me, though, I want you to try it for yourself.

Steps for Future Writing

Take out your journal.

Step 1:  

Write a situation you are currently struggling with. 

A few examples I heard this week: 

  • Things won’t go well when I’m out of the office next week. 
  • A client is irritated with my team because of how we handled this project. 
  • I’m struggling with separating from my spouse.  
  • My job is being eliminated.  
  • My kid didn’t get into the college he wanted. 

Write your problem situation down in one sentence. 

Step 2: 

Write the date of 6 or 12 months from now. Then begin to write out how you want this situation to be, as if it has already happened. In other words, write your ideal future.

Write in vivid detail and as many pages as you want so that your subconscious mind can feel the feelings of your ideal future.

I’ve shared it before, and I’ll say it again since we are talking with the brain—

We have to be able to talk to the subconscious mind in the way it understands.

We have to be able to talk in the subconscious mind’s language so that we can hit the brain’s buttons for change.  We do so in three parts.

How to hit the brain’s buttons for change:

  1. Use consistent repetition. The brain will not hear if you do something once. It takes up to 10x for example of future ideation for it to take notice.
  2. Embrace emotional imagery. The language of the subconscious is not English, French, or Spanish. It’s made up of emotions. You need to smell, taste, see, touch, and use that feeling language. This is why so many people struggle with goals. Goals are often written on a lifeless list — with no feeling.
  3. Write as if the future is already here. It’s done. See it as if there is a checkmark next to it. The brain doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy.  

This is how you unlock the dormant reserves of brilliance — the talent, expertise, intelligence — that already exist within you. 

To be clear, you are not writing about how this situation gets resolved. That is not what this is about. 

You’re taking whatever problem you’re experiencing and writing out how great your work and life are — as if it’s resolved. 

Remember this skill can catapult your business, career, and life if you use it correctly — and frequently. 

Here are two examples of what I am talking about…

The situation:  

You are having trouble connecting with your spouse.  

Ideal Future Writing example: 

“My husband and I just returned from a 3-day excursion. We had a wonderful time truly listening to each other and sharing what was on our minds. My spouse was supportive of me and the direction I wanted to go. It’s amazing how close we feel to each other.”

Here’s another example.

The situation:

You’re worried about taking a leap and asking your boss or a board for what you want.

Ideal Future Writing example: 

“It’s hard to believe I was so worried to ask to step off the project and change my work. I’ve finally been able to concentrate on my Genius work. The company is getting the business breakthrough it wanted and I’m finally aligning my life with my priorities and experiencing the peace of mind and freedom I’ve wanted for years but hadn’t thought was possible. It was so easy!”

—-

Tips and answers to questions I get about Future Writing

What if I am completely blocked and cannot imagine a perspective where this is positive or beneficial?  

My suggestion is to write (just once) the perspective or story you currently see playing out. THEN write the exact opposite of that story as your future ideal. And continue to write that story with repetition every day for 3 weeks. 

Can I type my Future Writing?

Yes, but physically writing it is better. Neuroscience shows us that writing connects differently in our brains.  

What if I skip a day?

If you skip a day — don’t worry about it.  That’s the brain’s unconscious resistance to change. Simply return to your Wise self and allow it to be in charge and take the wheel (and the pen) the next day. The worst thing you can do is start getting into self-attack — like I never finish what I start, blah blah. Cancel that. 

When you are doing your Future Writing you are not writing in the future tense.  

You’re not saying, “I will be calm and peaceful when I leave and the team is set up for success.” You’re writing as if this situation is in the past. So you’re saying, “Everything was handled while I was away on vacation for a week. People stepped up, solved problems and amazed themselves and me!”

Do you see how helpful this is and will be the next time you are struggling with a situation or you’re feeling down?

Just grab a journal or piece of paper or if you are heading into that meeting and you don’t have time before going in — simply imagine the meeting going well. 

When you use this technique consistently, it becomes a skill and you begin to make it your go-to for whatever difficult situation you’re facing. You are penning a new future and accessing an inner game advantage that many leave untapped!  

Remember the brain will not do this automatically. You have to train the brain. You have to be in charge. Don’t listen to your brain about your current situation — talk to your brain using Future Journaling.  

Future Writing in just 2 simple steps.

  1. Write your difficult situation in one sentence.  
  2. Then under it write the date 6 or 12 months from now and describe your ideal future in technicolor.  

Today’s problems and stresses are the catalysts for great things.They always have been. Isn’t it more fun to see that now, than to have to wait a year from now? 

When we operate our days from the frequency of peace, we experience the most untapped opportunity in our lives and business today — that’s the inner game advantage!

In this episode, I share:

  • How to speak the language of the subconscious mind.
  • What research shows us about this practice and its impact on happiness.
  • The 2-step Future Writing process that could change your work and personal life.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

How To Overcome Your Resistance To Work Less

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you have a deep desire to work less but find it difficult despite how much you want to? 

You’ve heard the solutions:

  • delegate more
  • hire more people
  • get better technology or a smarter time management system

Any of these ideas can work temporarily. 

But what happens when you get the additional resources, or you finish the project, and you still find that you are working more than you want? 

Many of today’s driven high performers want to work less — and worry less when they do.  So why is it so difficult? 

There are 3 motivations that may keep you working hard instead of slowing down no matter how hard you try to make the change.

To break the pattern we have to accurately identify our true motivation or the problem will persist. 

Too often we attempt to solve this problem of working less with the wrong prescription. Then we get more critical of ourselves when we fail.

Even worse is we unwittingly teach the next generation to operate in the same manner — never slowing down — while also being absent from them.

It’s not your fault if you’ve gotten here. It is, however, your responsibility to change it.

 

Let’s look at the real reasons we have such a hard time working less without worry. It has everything to do with understanding our motivations.

The 3 motivating factors:

  • A deep desire for approval. Is your worth dependent on what you do?

Many of us believe our work validates our worth. And our culture has perpetuated the conditioning that we’re as good as our last accomplishment. 

I had a client tell me that his organization regularly states, “Remember, you’re only as worthy as your last result.”

This cultural conditioning starts when we are children. We learn that when we achieve, we receive praise and rewards. We  learn our value correlates with our accomplishments or achievements.

I was constantly overworked in my earlier days, attempting to please and perform for everyone. And it wasn’t until I was on short-term disability at a very young age that I realized it was a result of my belief that my worth was dependent on what I did. 

My unrelenting internal pressure to achieve, get approval, and feel worthy was what prevented me from working less. It took a breakdown of my body for me to see this.

  • A desire to feel in control

We can slow down and work less, which means we’re turning over control. Or so we think. We tell ourselves that others aren’t as capable as we are.  That they can’t do it as well as us. Then we prove it to be true by not asking, empowering or adequately training those who could help us.  

We don’t just fear everything will be out of control if we work less and we don’t have control. We also feel that if we don’t control, that might mean that another person becomes in control of us. 

Control can be a big motivator and the reason we won’t work less. When we feel a need to be in control and conquer, we can be assured we are going in the wrong direction.

  • A wanting to feel safe

We could lose things and that makes us not feel safe. We get worried that we’ll lose clients, that our companies won’t run as efficiently, we’ll lose money, we won’t be prepared enough for the next disaster—and on and on.  

So, our need for safety and security is there each step of the way, directing our next steps. It’s a very primal place from which to lead our existence.

We find ourselves working more and more, taking on additional responsibilities simply because we think that will keep us safe. But what often happens is that we work ourselves out of relationships, away from our kids, into a health crisis or other catastrophe which keeps us running for more safety.

If you’re someone who wants to work less and do so without worrying, know that what’s stopping you is not that you haven’t got the right people or the right strategy or that you just haven’t figured it out yet.

What keeps you from working less is that you’re being motivated in your stressed-out moments by a primitive want for approval, control, and/or safety.

It’s not a delegation problem or a strategy problem. It’s an approval, control, or safety problem. 

The worst part is that actually getting the amount that the brain needs to feel approved, in control or safe is impossible, because just like a drug – you need more and more to get your “fix.”

The only way to do that – you guessed it – keep working at it and never slow down.

It’s liberating to understand what is really at the root of the problem, as opposed to spending your days trying and failing to fix it only to get get engaged in more self-defeating talk. 

These motivators come from deep-seated conditioning and unwritten rules that we have made with ourselves that this is how we will survive and succeed.

Knowing we are doing it for one of these reasons—it doesn’t matter which reason—helps us to take the next right actions.

Whether it’s our need for approval, safety, or control—we’re operating from a source of fear versus trust. 

In that space of stress, negativity, and fear, we are always going to be performing at a fraction of what we’re capable of.

And because we are inherently operating from a place that’s dropping tons of cortisol and adrenaline into our body versus a place of peace, our well-being will always be a fraction of what it could be too.

Understand that none of these 3 motivations for approval, safety, or control are “bad.” 

It is simply that overusing them as a means to cope prevents us from achieving our goal: working less. 

Continuously ask yourself, “What is my motivation here?”

  • The first step is noticing these patterns or “catching yourself in the act.”. This simple act releases you from that negative conditioning.
  • Once you see the pattern, the next thing to do is to challenge its validity. 

For example, ask yourself, “Has there ever been a time when you were not working hard, and things still happened?” or “Have things gone just fine without me being in the center of it?”

Imagine the difference it would make in your life to put your energy into moving closer to your dreams versus those overused coping mechanisms (the desire for approval, safety, and control) that are holding you back.

We must rethink this cultural conditioning and the unwritten rule in our homes and organizations that say working hard creates success. 

Working less, achieving more, and doing so without worrying is 100% possible! 

It may be different, but it doesn’t have to be difficult. Just because you haven’t done it for the first half doesn’t mean you can’t do something different starting now.

If working less and continuing to be successful or achieving more is your desire for the year, I encourage you to look at which of the three coping mechanisms you may be overusing. 

Is it approval, control, or safety? 

What’s really behind your resistance to working less? That is the ultimate question. 

Then remind yourself that it’s only you who can make the choice and take the actions to change your life.

When you change your perspective, your reality changes.

These cups of approval, control, and safety are all meant to be filled inside—by you. Do not wait for circumstances and conditions external to you to fill them. 

Stop waiting for circumstances to line up so that you can work less. 

Look for areas in your life where you have tended to overcommit yourself or how often you’re expecting and preparing for bad outcomes.  

The bottom line is we’re not unable to work less for the reasons that we think. And when we can see that clearly and own it—we actually can work less and let go of worrying while we do.

If you’re ready to overcome the pressured pace while you improve performance and freedom contact me for a connection call.

It’s never too late to create a career that wows you and a life aligned with your priorities and aspirations.  When you clear where you are resisting your next level, you can become a magnet of tremendous happiness and success.

In this episode, I share:

  • The ways we are conditioned to work hard by our parents, role models, and society  
  • How to accurately assess what keeps us from slowing down so that you can change it
  • Three coping mechanisms that will prevent you from ever taking your foot off the gas
  • How to rethink and rewrite the unwritten rules so that you enjoy more time with your family, improving your health — or whatever else you want

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Feeling Pressured Don’t Stay Calm — Get Excited

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

I’m sharing one of my favorite tools when you are in a moment of pre-performance anxiety — when the pressure is high, tension is thick, and the need to perform is at maximum capacity.  In this episode you will equip yourself with a real strategy the next time you feel pressed to perform and telling yourself to stay calm isn’t working. This practice has research to support its efficacy. Leaders, parents—everyone should have it in their back pocket. 

This tool is especially helpful for when you find yourself in a moment of performance anxiety— when the pressure is high, the tension is palpable, and you have no other option except to get the job done.

Occasions you might find yourself battling pre-performance anxiety

We’ve all had these times in our lives:

  • You’re set to preside over a budget meeting.
  • You’re scheduled to speak to an unusually large audience.
  • You happen to be navigating a hefty workload and family life has intensified.

Maybe you find yourself in situations like this more often than not.

When anxiety and nerves are high, what do you typically do?

When most of us find ourselves in these tense situations, we tell ourselves to calm down—relax. And we certainly aren’t alone in thinking that the self-soothing process is our best plan of action.

In a study of over 300 participants…

They were told to imagine they were working in a large organization of about 500 employees. The very next day, they’re scheduled to give a 30-minute keynote speech in front of the whole company—including the CEO and executive board. Predictably, the participants began to feel extremely anxious.

The participants were then asked, “What advice would you give yourself?”

They were given three options:

  1. Try to relax and calm down
  2. Try to cancel the speech or find someone else to do it
  3. Try to be excited instead of anxious

More than 90% believe the best way to manage pre-performance anxiety is to “try to calm down.”

Research has shown there’s a better solution for pre-performance anxiety. 

This alternative is as simple as flipping the switch in the opposite direction. It begins with reinterpreting your anxiety and nervousness as excitement.

The research shows that the feeling of anxiety is physiologically almost the same as the feeling of excitement.

Both feelings: 

  • Result in an elevated heart rate
  • Create the feeling of butterflies in your stomach
  • Make you sweat

Your body is readying itself for action. This is what the body does when it believes there’s a threat to your life at hand.

You can see that while the emotions are quite different—opposites, in fact—they impact the body identically.

While excitement is connected to the emotion of joy, anxiety comes from the emotion of fear.  

And it’s important to understand this because when we operate from fear, we are operating from a place of survival and our performance in just about every area is diminished.  

But when we are experiencing excitement, our creativity, problem-solving, and intelligence increases.  We can therefore take advantage of the opportunities and possibilities available to us.

What researchers have found is that when we reinterpret our anxiety as excitement, our performance improves.

Can you see how important this is especially in those moments when high performance is key? When doing your best matters most?

Let’s put this into practice.

Let’s say it’s a big week at work—more than 6 months of planning are coming together. But your son gets a concussion, and you’re in the ER on Sunday. And then you get called that Monday afternoon to pick up your mother-in-law because they suspect she’s having a stroke—and you’re back in the ER. Oh, and it’s the holiday season and you’ve just been asked to be give a presentation at work where the stakes are high on Tuesday. 

It’s critical that you show up and lead—both at home and at work—which you simply cannot do from a fragmented, anxiety-ridden, stressed out, cortisol-dropping, pressured primal place. 

(The world already has enough of that.)

The next time you find yourself in a similar, high-pressure, anxiety-inducing situation… do this instead of telling yourself to calm down.

Step 1: Say “I am excited” + the thing that’s making you nervous.

So that could look like:

“I am excited to present at this meeting.”

“I am excited to have this conversation with my colleague.”

“I am excited to balance the additional family projects in progress.”

Make sure you say it out loud and say it proud, like you mean it!

This helps redirect the brain’s attention and emphasis.

Step 2: Say (out loud) why you’re excited.

A few examples of this:

“I’ll be helping the organization resolve a potentially large problem.”

“I’ll be setting myself up for great possibilities and opportunities.”

“I’ll be helping my client/friend/family member.”

As you already know, everything is created from the energy of our feelings.

I recently used this tool in my own life. (Those ER visits, big work projects coming to completion, and the holiday shopping—that was all plucked from my very real experience.)

I was not feeling excited about what was ahead, but there was no time in that pressureful moment to linger in doubt or stress or high tension. If I had done that, all it would’ve done is attracted more of that into the moment.

Instead, I used the 2-step practice to reframe what I was seeing as pressure and stress and simply got excited about these situations.

We all have the opportunity and ability to do this.

You can change your feelings from anxiety to excitement by simply redirecting your interpretation of what you are feeling.

Sometimes high-pressure moments seize us quickly. Sometimes they feel like they just keep lingering. 

Regardless, it’s in these moments that we can take charge and generate the energy we want.

This understanding, along with your ability to manage your feelings, is what truly changes the experience and positively impacts the results. It’s what gives you the inner game advantage. 

By integrating this practice into your life, you have the ability to go from feelings of stress with low-performance results—to ones of excitement with high performance and greater impact as a result!

Use this tool to calm nerves and anxiety as a manager and leader.

The best part of this exercise is that managers and organizations can utilize it to motivate their employees before important performance tasks or simply to encourage them and increase their confidence. 

The practical use-case scenarios and possibilities are endless!

Harness the power of this practice and improve your ability to positively influence others and be your best when it matters most. 

Bottom line: Don’t get calm—get excited!

In this episode, I share:

  • A simple exercise (backed by research) you can use to calm pre-performance nerves or anxiety.
  • What to do when the pressures and stresses seem to be mounting, and you’re driving from survival mode. 
  • How to use this tool in your work as a manager or leader to motivate employees.

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

self-awareness

A Practice To Cultivate Your External Self-Awareness

self-awareness

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

It can be really easy for smart, fast-driven leaders today to not effectively engage their stakeholders and thereby miss influencing those they lead to execute great strategies.

Today’s leaders are required to possess external self-awareness.  External self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand emotions in others and to use this ability to manage your behavior in your interactions and relationships. 

Take for example the group of leaders I got to speak to this week. They are in the center of a large company and charged with providing both short and long term solutions for the business. Here’s the catch—they come up with these brilliant strategies but are never the ones to put them into action. In order to carry out their proposed ideas, solutions, or strategies, they must engage and influence their stakeholders in such a way that their stakeholders are excited to bring that vision to life. 

What leaders need to know about external self-awareness and engaging stakeholders.

It isn’t the smartest individual, the one who executes the fastest, or the one with the best strategy who is most successful.  It’s the individual who has the self-awareness to engage others to follow them who comes up first. 

There’s a lot of research (including from Harvard Business Review) showing that our ability to recognize and regulate our own emotions—while also recognizing and empathizing with others’ emotions—is the #1 predictor of an individual’s success. 

Peter Drucker, a management consultant for over 50 years once said, “Leadership in the past was about strength. Leadership of the present is about smarts. And the leadership of the future is about managing energy.”  Peter was always accurate in his ability to predict management styles.

Today’s leaders must be interested in doing more than just bringing forth the best ideas, strategies, or plans. They must be able to manage the energy of those they lead and serve. 

What successful leaders know that others do not is that — it’s psychology before strategy — every time. 

Years ago, I worked in an organization where I was thrown into the deep end with some difficult clients. I was young and a lot of these people had no interest in accepting me as their leader.

I realized that in order for me to move them forward with whatever I needed to do, I had to address their psychology first. In other words, I had to be concerned with their thoughts, feelings, motivations, fears, worries, and hopes. 

If I didn’t I was never going to be able to get them to listen to me, follow me, or execute with me.

Emotional and social skills are 4x more important than talent and IQ when considering success.

Our ability to truly understand others and use that understanding to engage determines whether or not we’ll be successful. This goes beyond solutions, productivity, efficiency, and intelligence.

I’ve seen it play out time and time again with highly talented, brilliant individuals—engineers, business leaders, and PhDs of all kinds. Regardless of IQ, if they don’t have the skills to be aware of and regulate their own emotions, and the emotions of others, it doesn’t matter how smart they are. Their incredible ideas never come to life.

You must talk to the decision maker.

In order to influence others we must get familiar with the part of the brain that is the decision maker. If you want to be able to influence relationships, you must be able to talk to the primal brain.

Most of us are in the business of selling our ideas or wanting to add value. But the change we’re bringing — even if it’s really good — often is overwhelming to the primal brain. It labels these unknown situations as dangerous.  

If you move directly to sharing the strategy or deliverable without addressing the psychology—the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, motivations—of your stakeholder, client, friend, or child first, your solutions will be meaningless. You’ll miss out on fully engaging the individual.

How to do this?  

One way is to make them feel S.A.F.E. 

Status — Let them know regardless of differences in status, all are equal in value.  

Autonomy — That they have the autonomy to make their own decisions and will be given options. 

Friend vs. Foe — That you are on their side and on their team. 

Expectations  — And be clear of expectations.  An uncertain future is a dangerous one.

If any of these are left unaddressed in the mind of the stakeholder the primal brain will see the other individual in the interaction as a threat. The leader loses her effectiveness. 

The skill of truly successful leaders is their ability to understand their stakeholders’ worries, concerns, and fears.

A great place to begin: have the conversation that’s already going on in their head. In fact, say it out loud. 

You can use this tool and others I share in this episode to have more meaningful and positively influential interactions with your colleagues, stakeholders, clients, friends — even your children.   

I am confident you will see an improvement in your relationships and influence as a leader when you expand your external self-awareness using these practices. 

In this episode, I share:

  • The role of external self-awareness and how it’s been proven to be 4x more important than skill, talent, or IQ when considering success
  • A 3-step practice to engage even your most challenging stakeholders (including your kids) so they are excited to execute your best ideas
  • How to handle conversations with the science of engagement by using the S.A.F.E. method

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

mindset management

Your Mindset Management Practice For Higher Performance

mindset management

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Many of us place a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform extraordinarily every day.  But there’s something important we’re missing.  We don’t prioritize training our mindset to perform at those extraordinary levels.

When we know that how we think determines how we react to things, it becomes our #1 priority to manage our thoughts.  Not doing so is like setting out to build a house with a sand shovel.  We wouldn’t do it.

We expect to experience worry-free, confident, high-performing days but we’re either unaware of how to leverage our mindset or we lack the discipline to manage our mindset for the high-performance we expect. 

As a result, too often our sloppy, unmanaged thoughts leave us feeling… stressed that we can’t get it all done, doubting we have what it takes to deliver, critical and short with others, exhausted by what we see as limited progress and second-guessing we will see our existing success to fruition. 

Recently my family and I watched several Netflix documentaries about seasoned sports players and teams. They highlighted the strengths and vulnerabilities of athletes in a variety of sports—golf, basketball, football, etc. I am always fascinated by the psychological performance and rituals that these top-performing athletes practice to perform at such high levels.

They know that how we think about things drives our behavior. That performing extraordinarily begins with having a high-performance mindset. So they place a premium on their mindset management. 

It got me thinking —  why is it that those of us in other industries don’t place that same level of attention on our mindset management? Why do leaders in other industries not apply that same level of consistency and discipline to their mindsets that athletes do?  

Messy, unbridled mindsets too often leave us feeling… 

  • Stressed over endless to-do lists
  • Wondering if we have what it takes to achieve our goals
  • Exhausted and burnt-out because the pressure is high and progress is slow
  • Unfocused because we’re trying to do too much at a high level

These feelings result in average performance — at best!

So what can be done to develop a high-performance mindset?  

Here’s a favorite short mindset management practice that you can use daily to set yourself up for success. The best part is that it can be done in less than five minutes. 

Each prompt has a specific benefit backed by brain science to help you improve your well-being and performance. 

It’s what high-performing athletes and modern day leaders use to show up and perform their best every day when it matters most.

Managing our mind isn’t something we can only employ some of the time. Everyday we face unexpected challenges and things outside of our control.  This is when being able to manage our thoughts becomes invaluable.

Here’s how to do your 5-minute Morning Mindset Management Practice.

Ask and answer each of the following five prompts.

  1. What are 3 things I’m grateful for? Sitting in the answer to this question directly affects the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is a part of the brain that influences sleep, hunger, and stress. When brains were studied while a subject was experiencing gratitude, they found the subject’s hypothalamus was being influenced in real-time. When you are focusing on what you’re grateful for, you create new neural pathways for expansion and advancement.
  2. What 3 things would make today great? From a scientific perspective, this activates your brain’s Reticular Activating System or RAS. What happens is when you direct your RAS for what to look for, it sets out to find it — without you even being aware of it. You’ve likely experienced when you’ve decided to buy a certain car and suddenly you see the car is everywhere.  There was a famous study in the NBA on basketball players who weren’t hitting their free throw shots. The underperforming athletes were broken into three groups. The first group did not practice their free throws for a week. A second group was told to practice exactly 100 free throw shots every day. And a third group was told not to physically practice but to imagine perfect free throw shots every day. The third group, which only imagined hitting shots perfectly,  improved their performance the most. The brain receives 11 million bits of information per second, but it can only process 33 bits per second. The 33 it processes are the 33 it is told to look for.  It seeks to fill your order. 
  3. Who am I going to be today? Think: Who do I need to be in order to perform as I want? We typically make to-do lists. But the doing is directly influenced by who we’re showing up as. Your way of being informs the actions you will take so you can perform at the level you want. So what qualities are you going to bring to your day? It’s the Be — Do — Have model of performance that high-performers use. Many of us were taught that doing is where performance comes from, but in reality it’s your identity which is a reflection of your thoughts and ways of being that directs and does the heavy lifting. 
  4. What am I open to receiving? Too often we don’t realize that we really are not open to accepting what it is we say we want. Remember change is uncertain and that can be uncomfortable to our mind.  By answering this prompt, you prepare your mindset to notice and accept the opportunities before you. 
  5. What am I going to give? Maintaining the flow between giving and receiving is critical. Living a purpose-driven life is important to us all. We all want to matter. By clarifying what you will contribute, you align yourself with your purpose, passion and proficiency. In turn, you make a difference.

What happens when you learn to manage your mindset? You will…

  • Have the endurance necessary for big challenges and initiatives
  • Be able to navigate unexpected challenges 
  • Improve your ability to handle criticism which you will definitely encounter as a result of being in the arena 
  • Executing tasks easier because you’re not dealing with limiting thoughts
  • Focus on the most important things 
  • Managing problems and know when to let of anything that’s out of your control

High performance begins with self-awareness.

Our feelings and actions are directly impacted by our thoughts. Your mindset management practice is too important to leave to chance! It drives everything you do.

Don’t spend another day putting pressure on yourself to perform extraordinarily without providing yourself with the mindset that sets you up for success. 

In this episode, I share:

  • What the sports industry and high-achieving athletes can teach us about mindset management and performance
  • What’s keeping us from performing at the levels we think we “should” be able to
  • A 5-minute morning mindset management practice every leader can use to see immediate improvement in well-being and performance 

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

feelings

Feeling Your Feelings So They Don’t Run You

feelings

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

What if you could change the unwanted patterns of behavior and nagging feelings that you may feel you are stuck with? 

Let’s face it. On a daily basis we can experience a LOT of big emotions. Life is full of them. Yet we’ve grown up in a culture which tends to encourage rising above, compartmentalizing and dismissing uncomfortable feelings altogether. 

A few years back I was struggling with anxiety and I used the two practices that I am going to share with you today to overcome my anxiety and kick some bad habits that I wasn’t aware were a result of my not allowing myself to feel certain emotions. Habits that were having a negative effect on my health and on my most important relationships.  

The problem is when we don’t tend to our feelings, they start to run us. We may make choices to avoid the feelings in ways that usually become addictions and also that cause us more stress, wreck our relationships, inhibit our peace of mind as well as limit any chance of high performance.

What I learned is this:  

If you run from your feelings, your feelings will run you. 

I can say that now, but I wasn’t aware of it at the time. 

What frees us and allows us to improve our well-being, most important relationships and performance is actually being able to feel our feelings instead of denying them.  

Before I share the practice to help you release the intense, often reactive and big feelings that may be unknowingly wreaking havoc without you knowing it, let’s first address some common myths and misconceptions about emotions.

You can’t use logic to figure your way out. 

The reality is that we can’t outrun our emotions. We can’t figure our way out of them. They demand to be acknowledged and felt.

This can be very tough for fast-driven leaders who are used to getting things done in a linear, logical, strategic manner. Feeling feelings isn’t logical. It likely won’t feel efficient.  

Logic, rational thought and understanding can only go so far to return you to the peace that, as a leader, I imagine you want right now. 

What’s really important to know is that feelings drive the show. And that logical thinking can’t do much about it.

~~~~~~

What we resist persists.

You know better than to fight against a wave’s current. Its strength will knock you down. 

The same is true of our emotions.  We can fight them but eventually, the fight of ignoring or pretending they don’t exist will have its way with us.  

Denying that we are feeling something, only makes the feeling amplify and is exhausting. It’s liberating to acknowledge what we are truly feeling so that they don’t unwittingly run us. 

In other words, if you don’t take the time to be honest about the feelings that are leading to unwanted patterns of behavior—the emotions will continue to run you.

Feelings can move through you once you acknowledge them.

The funny thing about feelings is that once we recognize them for what they are and feel them—their mission is complete. And just like riding a wave, it comes toward you, moves through you, and keeps on going.

We often fear feeling the feelings because we worry that we’ll be overcome by them. But when we acknowledge them we no longer are in a fight and they release.  

Now here’s the practice. There are two ways to approach it to help you move through the emotions that are keeping you stuck

Notice. The next time you’re having an uncomfortable feeling — pause. Notice the feeling. You may be most aware of it when you’re about to engage in a pattern of behavior that attempts to numb out the feeling (e.g., grabbing a drink, overeating, or stepping out to do more work). Stop and feel the feeling for 90 seconds. Simply breathe and be with the feeling. It takes two forces to fight. 

Journal. Grab your journal and write whatever it is you’re feeling. Take two to five minutes and write—don’t edit. Allow the feelings to come up and onto the paper.  

In this episode, I share:

  • Why our resistance to feeling our feelings runs us
  • How to calm your nervous system and let go of the coping mechanisms that are no longer working for you
  • An actionable daily practice to prevent you from reacting to work and life’s stressors
  • How to uproot behavior patterns (including addictions) that no longer serve us 

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

resistance

Four Ways To Win Your Battle With Resistance

resistance

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Understanding Resistance

Have you ever been super inspired by an idea and set out to create it with passion, only to find yourself confused when you can’t seem to move it forward?  Maybe it’s a new habit you want implemented or a masterpiece you know you are meant to build. Whatever it is, when you sit down, maybe you take a call that comes in or you decide to respond to one or two important emails, or maybe you return a text regarding the kids’ carpool tonight.  Then you say, “I’ll get to that later or maybe tomorrow.” What’s just happened?  You were battle-rammed by Resistance.  

Resistance is that feeling of not wanting to do something that you know is good for you or that you decided previously you should do, but that you don’t do for one of a million reasons.  It’s the purpose-driven, passionate leader’s biggest saboteur! That’s why today we’re taking it on. In this episode you are going to get several ways to win the battle against resistance when it strikes — and it will.  It’s inevitable. As someone who is here to crack open your highest levels of contribution, happiness, and impact, there is nothing more important than knowing what to do when resistance wages a fight against your creativity and best work.  

An Example of Resistance in Action

Let’s say you are finally set up to move forward with your most important work. Maybe it’s connecting with some people you’ve had on your list about a new opportunity or a milestone you’ve set for yourself, like an article or book you’re writing, maybe it’s even a leadership meeting you want to prepare for! Whatever it is, you get ready to move on it, but you get distracted by a quick call or checking social media, and then you say, “I’ll get to it later.” 

Whatever the reason for the resistance, it all ultimately comes down to the chattering, multi-tasking brain that distracts us and takes our attention in a new direction. 

Resistance is the force behind procrastination, distractions, and excuses; it derails your progress and leaves you wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”

Here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with you.  The brain is doing what it is meant to do — keep you from harm. You can see it’s point. Inventing a new future is potentially harmful, but your greatest work lies in your ability to win against this foe. 

Resistance is something that I have struggled with all my life. Most people do but they don’t notice or won’t acknowledge it, so they aren’t even aware it’s happening. We don’t realize that we have these invisible factors, and we put blame onto things — inaccurately diagnosing the problem when really, it’s resistance. 

When you recognize resistance for what it is, you’re better equipped to deal with it. Instead of blaming external factors, you can address the battle that’s taking place inside.

Why It’s Important to Overcome Resistance

A lot of times we don’t even realize that we are giving into the resistance. We don’t acknowledge that we have allowed it to beat us. But as hard as it may be to admit, we do just that, and like many other smart, extraordinary people, too often we get hijacked by it.

The reason it’s so important to know how to overcome it is because it is responsible for sabotaging and holding back so many lives, countless masterpieces, and important work — and your important work cannot be sacrificed. 

You probably know that my joy and the reason I am here is to crack you open to your highest levels of service, happiness, and impact. As a leader, I suspect there’s some part of you that enjoys doing that, too. You want to serve others at your best so that you help others to do the same. Your ability to do battle with resistance and not allow it to get in the way of innovative ideas and five-star problem-solving relies on your ability to acknowledge resistance when it shows itself and move beyond it.

Key Insights About Resistance

So there are a few things you must know about resistance before I provide you with a few of my favorite ways to overcome it. The interesting thing is that no timer, app, book, or other hack will fix the problem of resistance because it is that insidious. It’s a cunning beast and it will do anything to keep you from your most important work!

Here are some key insights about resistance:

  1. Inevitability: Resistance is wired into our nature. It’s bound to show up, so don’t be surprised when it does.
  2. Indestructible: You can’t eliminate resistance; it always returns. Your best strategy is to recognize it and know you have a choice.
  3. Impersonal: Resistance isn’t a judgment of your worthiness or abilities. Its only job is to distract you and keep you from moving forward with your creativity and change. No need for blame and shame. Resistance is completely impersonal.
  4. Separate from You: Remember, you are not resistance, and resistance is not you. Name it what it is and separate yourself from it. If you identify with it, you will be sunk.

Unless we have a firm grasp of these characteristics, we will fall into a long arduous journey with Resistance.  

Ways to Combat Resistance

Now, let’s equip you with five powerful mindset shifts, what I call, “scripts to flip,” to confront resistance head-on. These are exactly what it will take to bring forth your life-changing work, leadership, and life.

1. Get Approval from the Inside: Recognize that your self-worth doesn’t depend on external validation. Your “approval cup” is already full. It’s Divinely filled and overflowing.  It’s when we loan it out and believe it’s getting filled from the outside that get into trouble and resistance sneaks in.

When we acknowledge that there is no cup of approval that needs to come from outside, there’s nothing that another person has to say to you, hand to you, or acknowledge you in order for you to already have your cup of approval filled, Resistance’s power starts to disintegrate. What will happen is that you will be able to make a choice in the moment with this flip of the script, with this clarity of mindset, to get back into your most important work. It’s very subtle, but most of us don’t realize that a lot of times what’s keeping us from moving forward on a very deep level is some fear that we won’t be approved, that the work that we’re doing won’t get the acknowledgment we want.

2. Don’t Avoid Failure, Embrace It: Accept that failure is part of the journey, and accept it in advance! The sooner you openly acknowledge that you might fail, the sooner you will move through Resistance and its emotional hold will drop.  Failing quickly and failing often on a smaller scale will help you get to where you want to go faster by learning what doesn’t work. Failure is not personal. Feel the emotion but move on. Try this for yourself next time you resist sitting down to do some important work or to make that call.  Just say, “I’m open to failing. I’m open to failing on this.” Notice the battle is lifted.  You can’t fight without two in the fight.

3. Shift to a Service Mindset: This is something I learned from Gabby Bernstein that has helped me get out of a morning battle with Resistance on more than one occasion. Repeat the affirmation, “I am here to be truly helpful.” Remember, your leadership role is about serving others. When you focus on helping, resistance loses its grip. Remember that you are in a position of leadership not to achieve for yourself but for the greater good — to serve others. Nothing gets me off the sidelines faster than responding to help someone. When I remind myself that I am here to be truly helpful, my mind moves from overthinking and controlling circumstances to wondering how I can elevate the person in front of me.

Stop asking how good you are and start helping people. Do it in good faith and that will work. If you’ve ever been on a sailboat, you get on without seeing the wind that is going to take you. You have blind faith that it is there and it will move the boat. It’s the same thing working for others in good faith.

Consider this quote from Gandhi, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

If you have something that can help a friend, share it. Remember that you are in a position of leadership for the greater good — to serve others.

I recently heard it said that you don’t go to a party to have fun, you go to BE the fun.  What this means is don’t go to get something — go to add to it. It can be easy to attend meetings and conferences with the intention to take something from the experience, but when you go with a mindset that I am going to contribute something — you will find the rewards are far greater. 

Think about what you can bring. Own that you do have something to bring. Then, bring it!  Wanting more for others than you do for yourself is the best way to get out of your way and move beyond Resistance. Know why you do what you do. Having it written down so that you can read it in your moments when you face Resistance, will certainly help you get on your way again.

4. Don’t Think, Act: Steven Pressfield wrote an amazing book entitled Do the Work. It’s for anyone who wants to create or innovate anything, whether an artist, entrepreneur, visionary, or leader. His point is our last script, don’t think — act!

Pressfield recommends staying stupid. He says the three dumbest guys were Charles Lindbergh, Steve Jobs, and Winston Churchill. Why? Because any smart person who knew how impossible the tasks they had set before themselves would never have begun. So how do you do that? Don’t overthink. Act. When you are in the belly of resistance, keep going. Go like you’re in the ocean pursued by a relentless whale! Keep swimming.

Nobody climbed Mt. Everest one day after getting the idea. They started small and took one small step.  And then the next. Resistance will make sure you see the giant elephant you want to eat in front of you. Take the next smallest action if you must, but just act. 

Individuals overcome and create big things by a series of small steps. Ask yourself, what is the one smallest thing I am willing to do? Maybe it’s to sit and write for ten minutes. Maybe it’s to open the Google Doc file. Maybe it’s to simply look up the telephone number of the contact you want to make. Whatever it is, take the smallest next action. 

Now, let’s break down these mindset shifts into actionable steps:

  1. Internal Approval: Remind yourself daily that you don’t need external validation. Your worth is intrinsic. Your Cup of Approval is Divinely filled. 
  2. Embrace Failure: Be open to the possibility of failure. It’s a stepping stone to success. Say, “I am open to failing” to release the emotional hold.
  3. Service Mindset: Shift your focus from self-doubt to helping others. Say out loud, “I am here to be truly helpful.” 
  4. Don’t Overthink. Take Action: When resistance strikes, act immediately, even if it’s a small step. Don’t overthink; just do it.

You Have the Power to Beat Resistance

You have the power to create momentous change around you. When you take back your power from Resistance and remember that there is nothing in your circumstances (not your bank account, the people who are not showing up on your team like you want, or that hairy situation that just revealed itself) that is holding you back — it’s your internal resistance who is the enemy! 

And now you know how to move your attention and energy in the right direction. Make these mindset shifts and take these actionable steps daily, make them your routine, and you’ll enjoy greater flow and success in all you do.  

Your call to action is to acknowledge when you’ve slowed down and resistance is in the room. And then to do battle with it. Use your tips and tools to move forward and go forward at your best level of leadership.

We have a lot of new things on the horizon so that you can get more of the time, success, and well-being into your life and leadership. To guarantee you aren’t missing any of our tips, tools, and inspiration, be sure to sign up at ritahyland.com to receive notification of when a new episode is released as well as additional items I haven’t shared in the podcast! 

Remember, a half version of you is not enough, the world needs the full you in play!

In this episode, I share:

  • What is resistance?
  • Recognizing resistance
  • Why as purpose-driven leaders we must overcome resistance
  • Key insights about resistance
  • How to beat resistance with actionable steps

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

happiness

What We Were Taught About Happiness That Isn’t True

happiness

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

What are you overthinking or trying to control right now that is getting in the way of your happiness today? What would happen if you let go of the overthinking and the control that too often hinders you? Recently, I had the opportunity to spend a week in Jamaica with my family, where I was reminded of valuable lessons from the people I met there.

In this episode, I share the message I received and provide you with an important tool to shift your energy towards living in the present moment and becoming someone who no longer must manipulate the world to feel ok but instead is happy even when things don’t follow the plan. In a world where positivity can be a struggle, let’s explore how you can improve your state of mind without relying on external circumstances.

Getting away with the family to connect

I recently returned from a vacation with my family to Jamaica. I was late planning the trip; I realized that with three kids ending school at different times over the course of an entire month and with very different activities scheduled, it was important that I get our fivesome to step away from our schedules, if only for a few days. 

I had been given the recommendation to go to Jamaica by a client who discussed the pros of a direct flight and the beauty of the island, and I jumped on it. As we approached our descent, I realized how little I knew about the place I’d booked, and reminded the family that we all needed to keep an  “open-mind.”

When we made it to the hotel, I saw that it was going to be ok. Everyone would be fed and have a clean place to sleep. Then I got the news: Jamaica was just beginning its rainy season. I looked at the weather forecast for the week. Yep. Rain was indeed forecasted every day, holy crud! I started to think about how I could navigate this.

Everything is a blessing

Every time we were at an activity, I’d ask the waitress serving breakfast, the men beautifying the landscape, or the staff signing us up for our tubing excursions, “Do you think it’s going to rain? How long will it last?” The response was always calm and in direct opposition to my own lower frequency.

On our second sunny morning when we went to rent the boat for tubing, I asked the same question of a Jamaican man helping us.  He had a grounded presence about him. He gave me his full attention. I asked, “Do you think it’s going to rain?  When it rains here, how long does it typically rain?” Then he looked up as if to check the skies — and slowly in his Jamaican accent said, “I do not know, but everything is a blessing.”

“Everything is a blessing.” He was right. For over two days the skies had been sunny, the weather beautiful, my family enjoying the adventures, and I was missing the moment. 

How often do we resist or try to manipulate things in our life — even the ones over which we have no control?  How much energy do we expend on living in worry about a future that may not even happen? And how much joy do we lose resisting what is. Certainly, if it rained there was nothing I could do about it.  

It took a few days to break my conditioned pace of trying to line up everything as I thought would be best.  I reminded myself that in reality, I have no idea what is best. How many times have I thought something ‘shouldn’t’ have happened, only later to find out it gave me EXACTLY what I’d needed and wanted from the start?

It turns out that the afternoon rains (more like torrential downpours) did occur. They provided a great chance for our whole family to go back to our living quarters and hang out — which was exactly the intention of the trip.

There are things that do not go the way we think is best — everyday. We miss flights. The project is not received well. We’re late to our kid’s baseball game because we didn’t see the time change. Then there are the bigger things like jobs ending, businesses faltering, relationships ending or we grow tired of doing what we’ve been doing.

Jamaican culture reminded me once again of the importance of slowing down and looking for the backdoor gift or alternative opportunity that is presenting itself.  I saw that savoring the present moment is a choice. That what I’d been taught about happiness isn’t true.  It’s not when all of my external circumstances align. 

The constant rush we often find ourselves in leads to unnecessary stress and prevents us from fully experiencing life’s richness. By adjusting our pace and letting go of attempting to control it all and instead trusting it will all be ok, we heal our nervous systems and create space for what truly matters. Life isn’t a race, and there’s no scorekeeper. 

The importance of embracing the moment

Throughout my conversations with the Jamaican people, I noticed their ability to stay present and appreciate life’s blessings, even amid struggles. They were evidence that life is as we choose to see it.  

Our perspective determines how we perceive difficulties. Whether it’s minor inconveniences or significant setbacks, there is always an opportunity for growth and gratitude. When we accept that everything is a blessing, even during tough times, we can tap into a deeper sense of happiness and inner peace.

What are you struggling with that in your mind is not going as you desire it?

I know it can be hard in the midst of going through whatever the struggle is, to feel happy. Let’s be clear, it’s not about lying to yourself or trying to fake yourself out. Instead, it’s about asking “What blessing am I not choosing to see? What opportunity am I missing?” 

So often our ego is running the show and telling us what it thinks is right. It’s inflated with its opinion. When we recognize that we have always been ok, we currently are  ok and that we will always be ok, we raise our state of mind.  

So how do we shift to a higher state of mind…

We can choose to see life as a blessing by embracing the present moment and quieting our noisy minds. 

We can take time for silence each day to allow us to harness our inner wisdom and navigate life with greater clarity.

We can prioritize our well-being and connect with our Higher Self in order to transcend the distractions of the outside world and find joy within.

We can remember that everything is a blessing if we choose to see it as so.

Happiness is not a destination but a state of being found within ourselves

I was reminded once again that happiness isn’t a faraway thing. It’s not complicated and hard to get.  Happiness isn’t only when it’s sunny, but can be had even when it rains. 

In this episode, I share:

  • How every situation, whether it aligns with our desires or not, can be seen as a blessing.
  • Simple habits to help find happiness within ourselves rather than relying on external conditions, rewards, or circumstances by spending time in silence, harnessing the mind, and not succumbing to the noisy world or one’s own noisy mind.
  • A way to see challenges and struggles as opportunities for personal growth by shifting perspectives and being open to new possibilities, and as a result, we can navigate through them and find a better day ahead.

Resources and related episodes:

 

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

strong coach

How To Hire a Strong Coach In Your Corner

strong coach

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

Do you feel like life is going too fast? Are you tolerating things?  Perhaps you’re going through a transitional phase, or, as a leader, you understand more than ever that it’s lonely at the top.

Imagine how great it would feel to have someone by your side, offering support, and lifting some of that weight off your shoulders. No matter who you are and what stage of your career, business, or life, every one of us deserves to have a strong coach in our corner.

In this episode, I’m sharing what it’s like to receive professional coaching when it’s a good time to hire a coach, and how to identify a strong coach that’s right for you. I’m giving you the gritty and remarkably relevant information you need to know and what those driven to excel are doing differently, so you can achieve your own success. 

Not all coaches are the same.

With varying levels of experience, expertise, methodologies, and styles, the sheer number of options can sometimes feel overwhelming. However, the one common goal shared by all coaches is to help you achieve results more efficiently and with less difficulty than if you were doing things on your own.

When looking for the right coach, knowing what results you want from the process is imperative to determine which type of coach you need.

The Business Coach

A business coach helps you set goals, identify opportunities, and grow your business. Unlike a consultant or boss, a coach holds you accountable and draws out your expertise, experience, and insights. They enable you to see beyond the day-to-day tasks to better understand your business.

The Health Coach

A health coach helps you achieve greater energy and vitality. They assist in developing a strategy for optimal health and hold you accountable. There are various subsets within this category, such as weight coaches and strength coaches, so clarity about your specific goals will make it easier to identify the right health coach for you.

The Personal Life Coach

A life coach is dedicated to helping you overcome both visible and invisible limitations. They assist in increasing self-awareness and eliminating repetitive self-sabotaging patterns or blind spots holding you back. The goal of a personal life coach is to align your life with your priorities, ensuring that all areas of your life are in balance. 

The Leadership Coach

A leadership coach helps you develop the skills to stay motivated, even in challenging times, and positively influence those around you. Personal life coaching and leadership are interconnected because you can’t lead beyond who you are. The extent to which you expand yourself and increase self-awareness directly correlates with your leadership growth, enabling you to support others in reaching higher performance levels.

So, what exactly does a strong coach do?

Coaches are guides to help bring forth your wisdom, your expertise, your existing levels of intelligence, and the resources you already have. They help you achieve higher-level results with less pain and in less time than if you did it alone. Strong coaches engage you in a way that encourages you to show up as a higher version of yourself, to think bigger, and to unleash your potential.

There are five qualities of a strong coach:

  1. They focus on and get real results for their clients.
  2. They support and challenge you in equal measure.
  3. They listen and ask questions that evoke new ideas and expose opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise.
  4. They have their own coach and continue to grow themselves.
  5. They reflect you accurately, rather than project themselves and their own values onto you. 

The most important criteria for finding the right coach is not who has the most training, certifications or the most followers but who is the best fit for you.

To start your search, reach out to your place of work or ask others if they’ve worked with a coach. When conversing with a coach, ask questions about their methodology or style to determine if it aligns with your goals. Do they meet in the way you want to meet? Do they have one-on-ones or group coaching? Who is their ideal client?

How to know it’s a good time to hire a coach:

  1. You feel stuck. Some category of your life is off, and you can’t progress using the same means as you have in the past.
  2. You’re ready to get to the next level. You’re already successful but want to elevate or expand your abilities.
  3. You’re in a position of leadership. You need new ideas, thoughts, perspectives, and someone to challenge you.
  4. You’re in a transitional period. This can be a divorce, a birth, a death, or a number of things.
  5. You want to change a specific area of your life. This can be a habit or something that is holding you back.
  6. You’re experiencing burnout. The way you live isn’t sustainable, or you’re indecisive and unable to take action.
  7. Fear is getting the better of you. It’s thwarting you and not allowing you to move forward.

Many believe they should be able to do everything on their own. However, this mindset can be a hindrance to personal growth and fulfillment. Putting yourself into a silo limits progress, enjoyment, and overall experience. Our brains often resist change and uncertainty, leading us to believe that things won’t work out. To overcome this, we must ask ourselves, “What if it did work out?” and explore the potential positive outcomes to move past stagnation and allow ourselves to move forward.

Hiring the right coach for you can be one of the most rewarding and life-changing experiences. Let this be the year you come alive and think bigger about yourself and what you have to add to every aspect of your life.

In this episode, I share:

  • What it’s like to receive professional coaching and how to determine which type of coach you need to achieve your goals
  • The five characteristics of a strong coach and the #1 criteria for choosing the best coach for you
  • The significant signs that it’s time to hire a coach and how you can overcome the mental block of needing to do everything on your own

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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