Surviving life-draining 14-hour days working tax season, having just enough change for the El to get to work, spending lonely nights with my cat in a studio apartment. That use to be my life. Thankfully, I learned how to turn those days around. I did it through years of self-reflection, reading books, attending workshops, and working with coaches and mentors.

I’ve come a long way since then. Here are my top ten life lessons that turned my days around and continue to shape my long-term thinking.

1. Own it. I used to believe life was happening to me: I was unlucky in love. When I took 100% responsibility for my dreary relationships, life changed. Instantly I saw the changes that I—not others—needed to make. Don’t wait for someone else to change or to save you. “If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

2. What you appreciate, appreciates. Every night my husband listens as I list the reasons we are the luckiest people in the world. We could focus on what we want to change, what’s not going well. I choose to focus on what I appreciate. What we focus on expands. Our focus determines how we feel. How we feel determines our decisions and actions which shape our outcomes. Begin and end each day with gratitude.

3. Confidence is key. Confidence means caring less about what others think and doing what’s right for you. Follow your heart, and it will lead you to your best you.

4. Taking care of yourself is Job One. No one else can do it for you. It’s not their job. Putting yourself at the top of your to-do list isn’t selfish; it’s self-preservation. Taking care of yourself first puts you in a better position to help others.

5. Know and ask for what you want. Too many people wait to see what they get. They settle, and then are disappointed. Know what you desire in advance, and ask. Design your request as it would delight you. Then ask for it. You will be astounded at how many “yes” responses you receive when you do. Practice the art of asking and receiving.

6. Today is the starting line. You wouldn’t go to yesterday’s garbage to make tonight’s dinner. Don’t choose to experience today based on yesterday’s problems and circumstances. No matter how bad your habits or decisions have been until now, if you change them today, you can have a better life tomorrow.

7. Giving feels like getting. There is no easier way to connect to yourself and life than to give to another. Give your smile to the woman in the grocery store, your thumbs-up to the fellow runner you pass, your talent to a charity, and your words of encouragement to someone at work or home who forgot how special they are. Connecting and contributing is the most fulfilling action in life.

8. Growing means taking risks. When I resist change my husband kids me by calling me his “change agent.” My life is based on moving people to change, yet I still resist it at times. Being fearful is natural, but getting beyond your comfort zone leads to growth and reward. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Move ahead even when it terrifies you. You will be happy you did.

9. Give yourself a break. Too often I feel I need to do more, better, faster, sooner. Yet I encourage others to be gentle with themselves. Self-criticism sucks the good life out of you. There is nothing rewarding or motivating about self-reproach. Praise yourself the way you do others. If you slip, try again.

10. Be in the moment. There will always be more to clean, more papers to straighten, more emails to respond to, and five more pounds to lose. Forget all that. Be in the moment. Right now is the only moment you have. Live in it.

Bonus: Life is not about getting what you want. It’s about who we become along the way. Our challenges are often gifts in disguise, supporting our continual evolution to become our best and true selves. Look for the gift –even in chaos.

Send me your top ten life lessons — or eight or five or even one. I want to keep learning.

“Has anyone seen my wallet!?” I asked my three children as I fumbled through my purse.

“Your wallet is on the bed at Aunt Mary’shouse,” my eight-year-old daughter said matter-of- factly referring to my relatives home. We had just spent our spring break there.

“WHAT??!” It couldn’t be. I emptied my purse, I checked my over-stuffed carry-on, and I emptied my purse again. It was Saturday 5:10 am and the driver of the car I hired to take us to the airport had pulled over at a gas station because my two daughters were crying from motion sickness.

I called my relatives. They checked. “Yes, it’s here on the bed,” my aunt said. I felt my chest sink. “I’m on my way,” she said.

Arriving at the airport late due to the motion sickness, we had one hour before our flight would depart. I was alone with three kids and no identification in Richmond International Airport.

With more bags and car seats than hands, I wheeled our luggage in stages to the ticket counter.

Looking at the ticket agent, I said, “I am challenged. Can you help me?” With my two daughters crying, me on the verge, and my three-year-old son holding his teddy bear backpack and Woody doll, I told her my problem.

I asked if there were any flights later in the day. “No, not until Monday,” she responded. I stopped breathing as a recognized the severity of the situation. Returning to my aunt’s home and imposing on them for another two days was not an option I could fathom.

The ticket agent told me the bags needed to be checked no less than 30 minutes before flight. I said I understood. My aunt was on her way but had zero chance of making it by then.

There appeared to be no solution, but I kept the agent involved. While realistic I was committed to remaining calm and hopeful as I made her a part of my team. “What are the possible ways we could get on the flight,” I asked. I didn’t have an answer, but I could ask the questions to elicit her creative solutions. So I did.

Thirty minutes before the flight was to depart, I suddenly noticed the agent checking in my bags. She was talking to another agent saying, “Yes, we can do this without an ID if it is not an international flight and you are just going to Chicago.” OK! I was floored, and thanked her profusely. Without a plan we ran to my next hurdle—Security.

There I began, “I have a problem. Can you help me?” The TSA called her supervisor.

Suddently the TSA supervisor to strategize with me. “How can we do this,” I asked. I made it clear by ‘we’ I meant she and I.

She told me she could put us through without identification IF she had enough time to examine us extensively, but with only 22 minutes until the flight departed she wouldn’t be able to that..

“You need to get your ID,” she said. “Are you sure that’s our only way,” I said as though she and I were strategizing how to bring Apollo 13 back from the moon. I believed getting us on that plane had the same kind of odds. “Yes, it’s the only way.” She said it in a way that I heard “go for it.” She was cheering me on.

I had to find if my aunt had made it to the airport with my wallet.

That’s when my six-year-old threw up in the terminal. We went to the closest bathroom. She threw up again. She was crying. The stress level now ratcheted up again. I, feeling panicky, knew I had to remain calm and focused.

As we exited the restroom, my aunt arrived me with my wallet in hand. With only twelve minutes until the flight would depart, I grabbed the wallet like a baton at a track meet and ran back to Security, everyone following.

The line at Security was long. I needed to ask for more help. I asked a woman towards the front of the line if I could go in front of her. She looked me in the eye and said “no.” It was humbling, but I had to keep trying.

Other travelers raised their hands to offer us their place in line. It wasn’t enough.

Then the TSA supervisor appeared again. She instructed me to come to the front. She was direct, committed, and operated with urgency. I liked her. She was on my team. I did as she said. She put our bags through the machines. My three kids and I walked through the metal detector single file.

She handed me my bags and said, “Don’t put on your shoes. Just start running.” She then looked at her largest TSA and said, “John, I want you to take this bucket of hers and run with her as fast as you can.” John did as he was told.

The boarding pass read B13—the last gate.

With my oldest daughter leading the pack, my second daughter next to me crying, and me (shoeless) carrying my son, we ran. The TSA sprinted behind.

When we reached the gate I saw no planes connected to the airport. Then the gate attendant said, “Are you the Hylands?” “Yes,” I said. “I need your boarding passes. Your plane is right out there.”

I thanked both John and her from the bottom of my heart. Once I sat down on the plane I realized it was a team of nine that got me out of my crisis that day.

This is the point: When your problem is too big for you alone, ask for help. You may think I got lucky, but I believe I know how to get help– a frequent need of mine more often these days.

Here are the keys: Make people feel they are part of your team. Elicit their ideas and best solutions by asking questions. Respect them by letting them know you see ‘it’ in them. Remain calm, determined, and confident, especially during crisis so that your team models the same—then thank them profusely.

This week identify an area where you need help in order to succeed. Then build your team. The impossible becomes possible when you do.

Like most people, you probably want a more stress-free, fulfilling and passion-filled life—but are you aware of how to make this dream a reality?

If you could uncover what keeps you from the life you desire and figure out how to obtain it, what difference would it make to your work, your family and you over the next year? The next 10 years?

As many people know, it is not what you know, but rather what you don’t know that can hurt you. From my years in corporate America and through my coaching practice, I’ve seen smart, highly motivated professionals become bored, confused, unfulfilled and frustrated, because they don’t know what is keeping them from living their best life despite how hard they work at it.

From these experiences I have sifted out the seven biggest mistakes smart, busy and highly motivated individuals make, and I have provided effective time-proven tools to overcome them.

This week I’m giving you the first of them.

Mistake #1 Having vague, blurry vision and desires

“The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.” -Ben Stein

One of the biggest mistakes many professionals make is not being clear on where they are going or what they really want. No doubt about it, not being clear on what you want will guarantee you’ll never receive it. If your desires are vague, your focus will be blurred.

Many of us know what we don’t want but we aren’t as clear on what we do want. It is important to get really clear. If you’re blocked or confused about what you truly want, honestly assess what’s missing in your life. Is there anything specific you’re waiting for? Is there anything you aren’t noticing because it’s so obvious you overlooked it?

If you don’t know what you want, begin by exploring the following questions:

1. List all your greatest achievements from birth through the present as a way of acknowledging your power in action.

2. What gives you energy when you do it?

3. What part of your passion do you already have in your life today?

4. What do you desire now? Do not block, judge or censor the answer. Write it down.

5. If you had a magic wand and could choose exactly what you desired to be, do and have, what would you choose?

6. If money were not a consideration, what would you do in this world?

7. What comes so naturally to you that it doesn’t seem like “work”?

8. What talent of yours are you often complemented for?

9. If you could be rich doing exactly what you love, what would you choose?

10. What do you really want in your heart? Think big. Now think bigger.

Grab a pen. Spend some time on this exercise. Note: You can’t do this in your head. Writing it down increases its power by ten.

I’ll be back next week with the second classic mistake that costs high-achieving professionals in their financial, emotional, relationship, and spiritual bank accounts.

Do you have a map to create your hot marriage, career change, more profitable business, fit tummy, healthy family, or increased well-being?

We all need maps to get from where we are to where we want to be. You wouldn’t start driving to Idaho without one. Why then would you consider being without a map for your more significant desired outcomes and dreams?

After all, if you had a map, confusion, indecision and frustration would no longer pepper your day. Overwhelm would be virtually eliminated.

Overwhelm occurs because we don’t have one clear focus.

A map, like the one my clients and I have used and that I give you below, provide that focus you need to take clear action. In turn, your life moves from struggle to ease.

This quick hot tool can be used for any goal you set. I used it for the first time over 12 years ago when I decided I wanted to get married. Today I use it for creating a thriving home with my husband and three children and for building my clients businesses and lives.

Here’s what you do.

1. Take a sheet of 8 ½ x 11” paper. Turn it on its side.
2. Draw a vertical line one inch from the left side of the paper. Draw a second vertical line one inch from the right side of the paper. These are the banks of your river.
3. Draw a stick figure on the left river bank and under it write “me.”
4. On the right river bank write your goal, that is, what you want when you make it to the other side. The river is the area between the two banks.
5. Fill the river with rocks designated by circles. In each circle write an action to help you get to the other side.

For example, in my first map I created years ago when I wanted to create a relationship the rocks included: make eye contact, be open to men that do not fit my current profile, change my career to one I enjoy, take a trip, get a coach, change my routine daily, ask a guy to a concert, etc.

Each time I completed one task, I simply went back to look at my next. Oh yes, you have to act! But taking action is easier when you have that next step right before you.

I attribute this tool and other game-changing perspectives to me being engaged to my soul mate 18-months later. You can see why I have passion for having a map!

Here are a few rules to remember in creating your map.

1. The map does not need and should not be in order.
2. You can always go back to add other rocks or action steps. In fact, I encourage it.
3. Consider filling in the rocks like a brainstorming exercise, not a precise prescription. (You will need to use your inner voice to guide you along the way too.)

You’ve heard me say it before: HOPE IS NOT A STRATEGY! Focus and consistent action are. Having a map keeps you focused on both!

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