The Second Thought Method

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you ever find yourself reacting in the heat of the moment, only to regret what you said or did just minutes later? Whether at home with your kids, in the meeting room, or even behind the wheel, our instinctual “first thoughts” can often lead to unnecessary conflict and misunderstanding.

In this episode, I’m sharing something simple and powerful that can truly improve your connection with others. It’s called The Second Thought Method, and I promise you, it will transform your relationship and dramatically reduce the stress and problems often resulting from reactive communication when you use it. 

Let me explain where this idea came from—and why it matters so much.

The First Thought Trap

I was sent a short clip from a Netflix movie where Jennifer Aniston plays a mom who loses it on her teenage daughter. She’s yelling, cursing, and listing everything she’s ever done for her child. It’s raw, intense, and honestly, it made me tear up. I shared it with a few people, and they had the same reaction. One person even asked, “Why does it hit so hard?” I said, “Well, you know, the truth will make us cry.”

That movie scene reminded me how often we lead with our first thought, those immediate, gut-level reactions like anger, blame, or defensiveness. I get it. I’ve been there too. But the problem isn’t Jennifer Aniston’s character. The real problem is that she was leading with her first thought.

Our first thoughts are fast and automatic, deeply rooted in years of past experiences and conditioning. In true danger, they can save us, like the time when I was physically attacked by a couple of men and screamed loud enough to get help. That primal response was necessary. But it was once in my life. That’s not day-to-day life? But too often we respond with that same reactivity which can wreck relationships and do immeasurable harm to our most important work..

What Is the Second Thought Method?

The Second Thought Method is a practice of pausing before you respond, especially when you’re emotionally triggered. It’s where the reflection happens. It’s the voice that asks what’s most helpful right now. The second thought comes from a higher, more thoughtful part of ourselves – the prefrontal cortex, your thinking capacity, capable of empathy, perspective, and wisdom. 

But our second thought has been highly devalued. If you think about it, it’s usually associated with doubt or a change of heart. For example, she had second thoughts about getting married, or if I was going to the store, but then I had a second thought about staying home. 

The second thought is given a lot of bad press, when it’s actually the solution to our problems.   

The Power of Pause

The moment between the trigger and your response? That’s where your power is. Taking a pause and being in self-observation mode to realize that you are safe and that you don’t need any type of protective behaviors –ones like blaming, shaming, fleeing or hiding.

Recognize and acknowledge your first thought (your emotions have messages), but pause to reflect and choose to act on your second. This isn’t about dismissing your emotions or pretending you don’t have strong reactions. It’s about giving yourself a moment to breathe, check in, and decide if your first instinct truly serves you and will contribute versus contaminate your real intentions.

3 Tips to Practice The Second Thought Method

1. Build the Pause Muscle: When you feel triggered, pause for a few seconds. Breathe. Acknowledge the first thought. (Example, “She ticks me off.”)
2. Ask Yourself a Simple Question: What’s my second thought? This will train your brain to look past the gut reaction and find the deeper truth.
3. Practice in Low-Stakes Moments: Use this method when your kid spills something, when a coworker interrupts, or when a friend forgets something important. These small moments prepare you for big ones.

Your Call to Action for the Week

Notice your first thought in moments of stress or conflict, and pause. Ask yourself if you can choose your second thought instead. See how your conversations shift, how your relationships improve, and how your sense of peace and control grows.

We all have stuff in our subconscious that triggers us, but our job is to be responsible and aware to heal those parts of us instead of projecting them on others..

You’re not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second thoughts and for leading from them..

In this episode, I share:

• Why our relationship with our second thoughts have been poorly shaped
• Why leading with your first thought, especially in moments of stress, can damage communication and relationships.
• The simple method that helps you gain clarity and respond instead of react.
• How practicing the Second Thought Method will help you have a greater leadership presence, increase the quality of your decisions and ensure you remain relevant in your most important relationships.  

Resources and related episodes:

• Tune in to the previous episode, Slowing It Down to Keep Yourself Resourceful
• The Good Girl Movie Clip: The Best Mom Speech
• Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
• If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
• Learn more about the Inside Out Method
• Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.