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145: The Hidden Cost Behind Having It All Together: What High-Performers Rarely Admit But Deeply Feel

Listen To My Latest Podcast Episode:145: The Hidden Cost Behind Having It All Together: What High-Performers Rarely Admit But Deeply Feel

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Tag Archive for: motivation

Not Another Thing

another thing

 

“Rita”, she said, “You must embrace that you are worthy of unconditional love.”

‘What did she just say?!?’ I thought to myself as I sat in my first experience with a life coach over 25 years ago.

I’d decided to meet this woman after hearing about her and this young profession from a friend. My intention of the meeting was that she would help me identify a more satisfying career.

My first assignment, however, startled me: embrace that you are worthy just as you are.

Besides the fact that it felt uncomfortable, what did that have to do with me getting a satisfying career — or anything else I wanted for that matter?

What I hadn’t seen before was that most of my life I had been hustling to achieve, please and get it right because on a deep level I hadn’t believed I was worthy. Instead, I believed that if I accomplished and achieved enough I’d get there — I would be enough.

My belief had driven me to spend long hours perfecting my work, working out constantly, taking on assignments I didn’t want and accepting invitations I’d rather have declined.

Of course, I hadn’t seen any of this at the time, but it made sense. As long as I could remember, even after accomplishing a bunch of things or that one big thing, I didn’t feel the way I thought I’d feel —something always felt like it was still missing.

At the time of my meeting with this coach, I thought it was a different or better career that would give me the satisfaction and fulfillment I was yearning for.

So why am I sharing this and what does this have to do with you, your career, business or leadership?

What I am seeing today is that for many at this stage in their career and life, they are realizing that despite having accomplished those things that they thought would make them finally feel fulfilled or satisfied, they’re still missing the feeling of internal satisfaction.

And it’s frustrating because they’ve done all the things society told them to do and be, but they are not feeling what they thought they’d feel.

If you’re an entrepreneur, boss, or leader of a team and you have the title and the business results, but you struggle feeling worthy enough or you regularly deal with imposter syndrome, it will show up in your decision-making. You’ll second guess yourself, stagnate, possibly sabotage yourself and for sure keep hustling to feel that you are enough. If you’re stubborn like me, you may even do it until your body completely shuts down and forces you not to work so hard — or at all.

Let’s be clear, in all my years nobody has ever come to me saying they have a self-worth problem. Most — just like I did — believe they have a career problem, business problem, relationship or leadership problem — never a self-worth problem.

But by the numbers as Jamie Lima Kern reports in her new book, Worthy, 90% of women struggle with not feeling enough. 73% of female account executives battle with imposter syndrome and 70% of men have feelings of being inadequate.

These are big numbers!

So how do you know if you are struggling with not feeling enough?

If you struggle with speaking up in the big meeting, asking for what you want, resting, raising your hand for a new role, saying what you think, promoting yourself, enjoying who you are, holding a boundary, or working less — believing you are enough may be a place to explore.

When we feel worthy we overcome performance anxiety, we act on our great ideas, we face obstacles head on, we are generous with others, and we make better decisions. When we feel worthy we see things accurately and can enjoy what we have created without needing to do another thing.

 

What I am saying is we can spend our lives seeking the next level of accomplishments and we can do all the things we think will help us, for example, to slow down at work, but if we don’t believe that deep down we are worthy enough of working less — or in my case of a satisfying career — it will never happen.

Trying to feel fulfilled by accomplishing more is like threading a needle while wearing boxing gloves. It’s impossible, because while achievement can make you feel a lot of things — strong, proud, empowered, self-confident — it can never make you feel worthy.

I’m not saying that going after our goals and aspirations isn’t great, but when it is motivated by a belief that it will make us feel enough, we’re sure to be left unsatisfied.

The question we need to ask ourselves is what is our motivation for working so hard or seeking to achieve our next level. Is it for the joy of the experience? To test and know our edges? To make a positive difference? Or is it to fill a missing feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment within us?

The reason it matters is because nobody, no accomplishment, no external measure will ever give us that feeling, the unidentified missing feeling of fulfillment that we are enough as we are.

This is what my coach wanted me to get that first day. I’d made most of my decisions to that point based on the false belief that I was not enough, which had led me to making a series of poor decisions.

She wanted to make sure I didn’t continue that pattern as I made my next big decision.

We have to learn how to believe again that we are worthy. It’s not impossible. Since day one we’ve been worthy. It’s the world that convinced us we are not.

After having the honor and privilege to work with many people often much smarter than myself to improve their well-being and positive leadership imprint, I have learned that your self-worth is the foundation of your fulfillment. That you’ll never feel fulfilled without it.

The reality is that I still work on my self-worth everyday. I can see when I am stalling on an important decision, not accepting a challenge or not showing up as myself but as I think I should to get approval from others. It’s in these moments that I realize I am questioning my worth. It’s also then when I take a moment to do the very things I encourage my clients to do.

When you learn to feel that you are enough, it will allow you to stop working so hard. And while it may seem counter-intuitive, you’ll still be productive and achieve great things — you’ll just enjoy and be more satisfied while you do.

If you are someone who wants to slow down and enjoy what you have achieved, developing your self-worth is your first step.

One of my favorite ways to begin is with what I call a “Worthy List.” Start by noting what you want to do, feel, or experience. Write it down on a piece of paper or in a journal. Then in front of each of your desires, simply write, I am worthy to. It looks like this.

I am worthy to rest

I am worthy to sit still

I am worthy to be in this big meeting

I am worthy to take a vacation

I am worthy to sell this business

I am worthy to lead this account

I am worthy to be home in time for dinner

I am worthy to say what I want

I am worthy to step out of the office

I am worthy to say “no more” to the work that I don’t want to do

I am worthy to say “no thank you” to the invitation

Right now you are truly worthy exactly as you are, and it doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals, dreams and aspirations. It means you don’t pursue them with the belief that they will ever make you feel fulfilled. What you want is that when you do hit them, you are able to enjoy them. And if you don’t, you feel worthy, satisfied and fulfilled regardless!

Building your self-worth is the best decision you can make for your business, your team, your children, and your leadership.

There’s never been a better time to cultivate it!

All my best,

~Rita

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/Not-Another-Thing.png 464 440 Joyce Polintan https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Joyce Polintan2024-03-28 17:03:542024-05-03 16:49:26Not Another Thing
path to greatness

When Unexpected Problems Surface On Our Path To Greatness

path to greatness

As I walked in I could hear the sound of water dripping. I turned my head to see paint bulging from the walls. Plaster in areas was falling from the ceiling.

We had just returned home from our trip to celebrate the holidays with my extended family. As my husband and I walked from floor to floor, we quickly surmised that the Midwest’s “blizzard of 2022” and the cold temperatures it brought with it had caused a pipe to burst. The pipe had leaked for days starting on the top floor.

At that moment, all I could see before me was the extensive damage. Having recently renovated the house, I was well aware of the time and energy it would take to put it back together again. My enthusiasm to prepare for my next trip and the new year quickly waned.

Isn’t that the way? You’re motivated by your proclamations and plans for the year ahead, then the unexpected comes out of nowhere, and it quickly fizzles.

I don’t share this story to garner sympathy or be a victim. Twenty-five years ago that would definitely have been the case.

Today, the wiser, often calmer, and more poised me is sharing what I’ve learned because I want you to have a way to thrive in case unexpected problems have already surfaced on your path to greatness this year.

You know what I’m talking about. We catch the latest Covid variant, our best worker suddenly quits, someone complains about us to our boss, our computer breaks, our business system can’t handle the load we’re putting on it, the stock market drops again or our company announces lay-offs.

It would be good to have a way — an approach or formula — to act on the obstacles that life throws at us, wouldn’t it?

I found a way years ago to steady myself during these times of difficulty, which are a part of daily life.

The secret I learned is to turn every obstacle into an opportunity. To use it as fuel. In other words, to find the ‘backdoor benefit.’

I’m not saying to pretend it isn’t happening or say “this isn’t so bad.” I‘d never ask you to put lipstick on a pig. I am simply suggesting that you ask instead: “How can I make this good?”

Years ago, you would have heard about my chaos immediately. I’d have been consumed, telling anyone who would listen, spending days feeling like a victim, expending energy fighting something I couldn’t change.

Today, I pause, take a deep breath and get clear on the perspective I’m going to choose: “What’s the benefit of this?” I know I will find the opportunity if I keep calm, collected, and patient. I know that it’s only when I employ these three characteristics that I can deploy the other skills I need to overcome the challenge.

My husband might have thought I got to this point too quickly that day as we surveyed the blow. But as I write this on my birthday, another year older and hopefully at least a tad bit wiser — I am ever so aware that my time and energy are both limited but decreasing. I want to focus both of those resources on things I can control rather than suffer failed attempts to control those I cannot.

I’d be lying if I said my office and other rooms being taken down to the studs wasn’t disheartening. It’s in these moments, however, I know that I decide what I will make of each situation. That I control the story — if I even tell one at all.

I know we all will come across obstacles in the year ahead— large and small, fair and unfair. And we will discover again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure. Our reaction determines how successful we will be in overcoming and succeeding despite —or because of — our obstacles.

The night before my daughter returned to college from Christmas break, we watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love. She’d never seen it, and I hadn’t seen it in years. The main character played by Julia Roberts said something that stuck with me — “Ruin is the road to transformation.”

It confirmed what I’d been thinking: maybe I was being given a chance to make my next creation even better than the last.

This year my wish for you is that you never let a good obstacle stop you. When things go bump or even crash, remember to look for the opportunity for transformation before you. It served me to trust that the universe has my back even when I don’t understand its’ plan.

It’s on us to get back into the driver’s seat when difficult things happen. And they will. Sometimes every day. But when we turn our obstacles into opportunities, we can turn our own adversity into our advantage.

All my best,

~Rita

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/RMJ-Newsletter-01_2023.png 464 440 Joyce Polintan https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Joyce Polintan2023-01-30 15:44:492023-01-30 16:22:05When Unexpected Problems Surface On Our Path To Greatness

Before Success: The Hidden Key To Peak Performance and a Well-Lived Life with Bruce Ross

Episode 36, Playing Full Out

You can listen to the full podcast episode here:

Do you know the precursor to those days when you have your highest levels of motivation, performance and engagement? In this interview, New Zealand leadership expert, Bruce Ross, explains why energy is always first before productivity, creativity and courage. 

Bruce Ross operates in the realm of the “inner game of leadership”. His proprietary approach to leadership development is research-based and has been honed over 37 years of working directly with the full spectrum of leaders: from emergent through to established.

The resulting framework (FlowPreneur™: Unshakeable Bold Leadership) integrates Brain-science and Optimal Psychology directly into business to help leaders and teams tap unsuspected reserves of human performance, intelligence and potential. 

Today we are diving into understanding how to take action in order to thrive, rather than just survive, during unpredictable times such as covid-19. The first step is identifying the things in your life you won’t compromise, even during times of uncertainty, and asking yourself what is the WHY behind those things? Ross’ practical advice will offer the motivation you need to lead better and live bigger at work and at home.

In this episode, Bruce and I Discuss:

  • How your vibration affects those around you
  • Why energy management is a key competency of leadership
  • The most practical tool that you can begin to use today to shift your energy level
  • How giving yourself permission to play can lead to self-expansion 

Episode Resources:

  • Download the Leadership Performance Predictor here.
  • Tune into last week’s episode, Two Words To Quiet The Noise And Finish 2020 Strong
  • If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
  • Learn more about the Inside Out Method
  • Connect with Rita on LinkedIn
  • Interested in working with Rita? Send an email to [email protected]

How To Connect With Bruce:

  • Email
  • Twitter
  • LinkedIn
  • Website

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/RH___Podcast_Featured_Graphics__36_.png 464 440 Candace Maree https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Candace Maree2020-10-01 06:00:172024-03-01 17:29:48Before Success: The Hidden Key To Peak Performance and a Well-Lived Life with Bruce Ross

Hi, I’m Rita!

I’ve guided individuals, leaders and teams over the last two decades through 1000’s of challenges —coaching them to build businesses and careers that thrive and lives they love.

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