Tag Archive for: conflict resolution

best self

How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self

best self

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

​​How do you engage in pressured situations while maintaining your best self? What do you do to manage and prevent stressful situations from negatively impacting your behavior?

In an ideal world, we don’t feel pressure at all—we hold boundaries, disarm conflict, and let things roll off our back. But we know that’s not reality all the time, right? We are complex creatures with emotions and past experiences that can trigger us. Whether it’s deadlines, difficult conversations with colleagues, or even complicated family matters — pressure is an unavoidable part of life. 

Of course, being self-aware is the first and foremost way to decrease our reactivity. By examining what triggers us, shining a flashlight on our blindspots and peeling back the layers, we can unlock our best selves and our best levels of leadership. BUT what do you do when the pressureful situation still strikes and you are knee-deep in it? 

In this episode, I’ll dive into how we can handle these moments in real-time without losing control and instead become models of the behavior we most want to see in our board rooms, classrooms, and family rooms. 

The Reality of Pressure and Its Impact

Recognizing and understanding why we feel pressure in different scenarios can help us improve our self-awareness in the moment.

In a meeting I witnessed a team member, Tom, becoming increasingly agitated. His voice grew louder and more aggressive. The tension was evident and most in the room grew progressively uncomfortable. But then, Tom did something extraordinary. He paused, took a breath, and became aware of his behavior in real-time. Tom performed a quick self-assessment and chose to change his approach. He then apologized, acknowledged the pressure he was under and said that it still didn’t justify his behavior. This honest self-assessment and admission not only transformed Tom, but also transformed others in the room, allowing everyone to relax and feel compassion. It brought the team back to the real issue, enabling us to work together more effectively. 

The Way We React to the World is Significant

Unexpected and uncontrollable events happen all the time. So, we need to know what we can do to avoid being hijacked by these moments and instead maintain our best selves. We need effective strategies. The good news is that there are ways to dismantle and redirect these pressureful situations before they escalate or harm our relationships and careers.

Here are the Five Steps to Maintain Your Best Self Under Pressure 

  • Be Aware of the Moment

Recognizing these pressureful moments makes all the difference. It might seem simple, but it’s not. Pressure triggers an instinctive response from our sympathetic nervous system, often before we’re even aware of it. Noticing physical signs like increased heart rate, faster speech, or sweaty palms can help you become aware that you are moving to a flight or flight response.

  • Pause

Once you’re aware of a pressureful situation, pause. This allows you to become an objective observer of your situation. By stepping outside yourself and looking back — neutrally —  you can see your behavior as it’s occurring. Slowing your heart rate down with deep breathing is extremely influential when you notice the physical experience of fear manifesting in your body. One simple way is to inhale for four, hold for seven, exhale for seven. This will reduce the pressured feeling in the moment and move you from a reactive to a calm state. 

  • Give Your Pressured Self a Direction

When I feel pressured, I am open to help.  The good news I’ve learned is that we can actually help ourselves in these moments. For me, the simple direction of “release” can take me back to my center. It’s like telling a dog to drop the bone. This simple direction can shift me when the pressure is mounting and I feel more defensive or aggressive in a certain moment. 

Becoming defensive under pressure is a very natural and common way we armor up to protect ourselves when we interpret a situation as threatening. Unfortunately, being defensive (other than when we are being physically attacked) is also unproductive and detrimental. You can’t be at your best—thinking clearly or solving problems effectively—when you’re defensive. So, when you feel the urge to react negatively, remind yourself to “release” the fear or tension in that moment. 

  • Perform a Self-Assessment

We know that when we feel pressured, we’re often driven by fear or worry. Certainly not our best selves. To get to the root of why this is, ask yourself these two questions: “What am I really afraid of?” and “What is my truth”? Often, our fears are irrational and identifying the truth allows us to return from our pressured selves back to our best selves. 

This was best demonstrated by Tom when he was able to do this in real-time and owned what he feared — that his team wouldn’t perform and that would lead to his failure and judgment from stakeholders. He then identified what was as true (or more true) than his fear, that he could lead his team to successful completion with his colleagues’ support. By pulling out of his fear, he was able to not lose control and instead access better resources and support.

  • Follow the #1 Leadership Principle: Lead from Love

One way to practice this is to ask yourself, “What would love do here?” This principle helps you respond with empathy and compassion rather than fear and defensiveness. Choose to lead from love even when the pressure is on. 

Now, whenever you feel pressure rising, you have a complete process to help you rise as an employee or leader:

    1. Be aware you’re in a pressure moment. Name that pressureful moment.
    2. Pause. Objectively observe yourself.
    3. Give direction and help your pressured self.  Simply provide the part of you that is in fight or flight to  “release.”
    4. Perform a self-assessment. Start asking yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and “What is the truth?” Then behave according to the truth.
    5. Lead from Love. 

Remember, if you shut down, others shut down. When you stay calm you will elicit calm from others. 

In each pressured moment lies an opportunity to exhibit your highest potential. Use these strategies to transform pressure into growth and demonstrate emotional maturity that sets you apart and drives you towards more substantial, fulfilling outcomes in every area of your life.

In this episode, I share:

  • How to recognize a pressured moment as it’s rising 
  • How to avoid reacting and instead dismantle a pressured situation like the great leaders do
  • Five simple, practical steps you can use in real-time to maintain your best when the pressure is high
  • The role and advantage of self-awareness when the stakes are high and the decisions matter

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

relationship advantage

The Relationship Advantage

relationship advantage

Several years ago I was sitting around a room with a group of women who I used to meet with regularly. A few were talking about their relationships with their spouses when one woman looked at me and said, “You have a great relationship. How do you do it?”

The question took me aback. Like many couples, my husband and I disagree and can get annoyed with each other and even get into arguments. I’d never thought about my relationship being particularly better than others, but by the additional comments of the other women there, it was clear they did.

I began by saying, “Don’t make the mistake of thinking we are perfect and that ‘stuff’ doesn’t happen. Just this week, my husband had the family’s long-haired cat, Beau, shaved with Lion’s cut while I was gone. I am still upset about it.” They roared with laughter. Likely the combination of my husband’s ‘interesting’ choice and an appreciation for my transparency.

But this week when I was walking with a friend and she too asked how I make it work in my relationship, it got me thinking about relationships and the fundamentals of a healthy one.

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From my hundreds and hundreds of conversations with clients and over 20+ years of marriage, here are a few hacks that will give your relationship an advantage.

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  • Do your work. Not your job. Not your career profile. But truly get to know yourself so that you can know what you really want and be available to receive it. I did a lot of work before getting into my relationship which means I didn’t bring as many of my defenses, blindspots, and insecurities into it. That doesn’t mean there aren’t things I’m still learning from my relationship. But I learned long ago that relationships are our teachers. They will bring to the surface what we still need to learn. To experience the kind of relationship that’s possible for you, you’ve got to be willing to do the real work. Ask yourself… What am I truly worried or afraid of that is triggering me in my relationship right now?

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  • Own your part. This means owning the piece that is yours. We’re 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship. It can be easy to blame others for a problem. It reflects a high level of intelligence to be able to see things without judgment. Be curious and humble. Maybe you’ve trained the person to treat you a certain way or you haven’t communicated clearly what you want. It’s not about blame but instead exposing where you’re playing a role. Once you own your part, your ego quiets itself, you become less defensive, get what you are meant to learn, and can effectively resolve any conflict. Ask yourself…How am I unwittingly contributing to what I am blaming another for? What part am I responsible for?​
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  • Find the good. It’s there. The other day a friend mentioned how impressed she was with her husband’s handling of their son’s crashing the family car into the garage. Normally impatient, he was calm and didn’t get upset. I asked if she’d mentioned to her husband how well he’d handled the situation. She hadn’t. It’s important to affirm what we want to see more of in our relationships. To be generous with our compliments. As humans, we are inherently drawn to see the negative. It’s our built-in self-protection mechanism. The problem is we get more of where our attention is. What I am saying is to catch the good in action and say it out loud. Not only will it move your attention and improve your relationship, but you’ll also get more of what you want. What is going right that I can affirm?

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  • Be clear. Ask for what you want. Too often we’re hoping and expecting others will understand us. Long gone are the days I’d use hope as my strategy in my relationship. Working on something and hoping my husband would see it or be grateful is not clear enough. Today, I’ll say “I’d really like…” or “I’m about to tell you something, and I am simply looking for you to listen— no solutions necessary.” Or “When I speak right now, I need you to be patient before you respond.” What happens is I get exactly what I want, and he isn’t frustrated that he’s let me down. The same holds true at work. Be clear. “What I want is…”

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  • Be vulnerable. Early in my marriage, my husband scheduled a “financial summit” between the two of us. After a few minutes, I started crying. I told him I couldn’t continue and needed to step away and return later. I needed to see what was coming up. He granted me the space. Once I’d identified a deep belief that I was not smart with money and where it came from, I shared this with him. It turned everything around. I didn’t erroneously project my emotion on him and he could practice patience and compassion for me around this topic. “This is something I’ve learned or observed about myself. I’m working on it and ask that you have patience and compassion for me as I do.”

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  • Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Don’t stop until you get to the root of the wart. In the situation where the cat was given Lion’s cut, I could focus and yell about what he did — and I did — but eventually, I asked a better question: “What do you really want?” His answer gave us something we could both work with. My response was, “Ok, you don’t have to shave the cat next time to get that.” Ask another…“What is it you really want?”

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Beyoncé once said, “If everything was perfect, you would never learn and you would never grow.” This is especially true in relationships.

Remember sometimes our greatest points of conflict in relationships are opportunities to investigate our own beliefs and patterns of behavior.

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Cheers to your opportunities for growth. On the other side is peace, love, and freedom — and who doesn’t want more of that?

Affectionately,

~Rita

simple step by step candid conversation formula for addressing conflict

The Simple Step-by-Step Candid Conversation Formula

simple step by step candid conversation formula playing full out with rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn a simple 7-part formula to address and resolve conflict in any relationship (whether in the boardroom or bedroom) so that you can clear your issues, resolve conflict and actually improve your relationships by addressing the unspoken and uncomfortable.

What percentage of people do you think have been taught a simple process for conflict resolution, considering that conflict is inevitable in every relationship both personal and professional?  The answer is so low that researchers have likely never thought it worthy enough to measure. 

When it comes to conflict, it’s not if it will happen, but when. While we do not want it, it’s key for the sake of our relationships and leadership that we get good at addressing and resolving it. 

That’s why today I’m going to walk you through a reliable 7-step formula that you can use any time you’re having an issue that needs to be cleared.  Using this approach you will feel more confident leaning into even your most difficult or charged conversation.  It will also ensure that you are heard, that you care, and that you resolve issues healthily and quickly. 

Before we step into this process, it’s important to  establish a strong foundation for the candid conversation. Here are 3 steps you can take before you begin:  

  • Set the intention.

    • It’s important to approach any candid conversation with the intention to support, to love, and to provide what needs to be said. While engaging in a conversation to clear your issues, don’t come to it unprepared or in a less than positive state.  Know what it is you want by the end of the conversation. 

  • Be sure to mention what is working.

    • You can do this by saying, “This is the 90% that is working really well.  Now let’s talk today about the 10% that will take us to the next level.”

  • Honor the other person by being vulnerable.

    • Vulnerability shows the other person that you care, that you see each other as equals, and that you value the other in the experience. You can do this by saying, “I am committed to your success and being in this conversation until we get to a good place for both of us.”

  • Let the other person know that you want the real deal.

    • You can do this by saying, “I’m going to be transparent with you. I want you to be transparent with me. If you don’t understand or agree with something, I want you to tell me that.”

 

One of the biggest problems when we attempt to engage in healthy conflict, is that we tend to come to the conversation with facts, interpretations, stories, judgments, feelings, and wants that get entangled. As a result, often little is heard, issues go unresolved, and things are left even messier than they were before. 

One of the key elements of this 7-step formula to candid conversations is to discern and identify each part for what it is.  The steps include:

  1. Affirm the importance of the relationship. Set the stage and affirm that the other person is important to you. For example: “Our relationship is important to me and I want to discuss something that’s affecting it.”
  2. Set the intention. This is just a little bit different than our foundational step above. Here you want to articulate your intention making sure to be clear so if the conversation gets off track, you can use your intention to get back on track. For example: “My intention for this conversation is that our relationship is stronger as a result of us talking.” Or “My intention for this conversation is to be clear about what is expected of you when you come to our leadership meeting.”
  3. State the facts. This is where things can begin to get messy. In this part of the conversation it is important to state only the facts. Be very clear about what happened without any added judgments or stories. For example: “Less than 50% of the team came prepared with the answers to the questions that were laid out 2 to 4 weeks ago.” Or “You came in 15 minutes past curfew.”
  4. Offer your interpretations. This is where you can begin to share your interpretations and what you are concerned about. For example: “I interpret the facts to mean…”, “I’m concerned because to me this means…”, or “The story I tell myself when this happens is…” and then fill in the rest.  That may sound like: “You’ve been gone for three out of the last four weekends. I interpret that to mean that you’re not concerned with investing time in our marriage.”
  5. Clarify your feelings. This may sound like: “When I believe this, I feel disrespected, I feel unheard, I feel unseen.”
  6. Own your level of responsibility. I am a big believer that each of us is 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship, and we have to own our half. For example: “My role in this is…” or “My part in allowing or enabling this issue is…” If we’re speaking to a child that’s missed curfew, it could sound like this: “My part in this is that I have allowed you to be late before and not held you accountable. That may be confusing.”
  7. Articulate what you want and ask for it. Be clear and specific in your request focusing on the positive. This is a part where it can be very easy to focus on what you don’t want, like “I don’t want you coming in late,” or “I don’t want you coming to team meetings unprepared.” It’s much more important and effective to speak to what you do want because the subconscious brain doesn’t hear words like “don’t” and “no.” Paint a vivid picture of the ultimate ideal future as it pertains to this issue. For example: “I’d like you to arrive at the meetings 10 minutes early. At that time, we can address each other, enjoy each other, and proceed with our intended agenda.”

If you want to effectively address and resolve issues in your relationships, it’s essential to communicate in a way that your concerns are heard, that is not overridden with judgment, that sees others as equal, and expresses your feelings and interpretations of the situation. 

Once you’ve effectively and clearly communicated, you can move forward by listening and hearing the other person with responses like, “Tell me what it is you’re hearing,” or “Tell me what it is you’re taking from this conversation.”  You will also want to get the other person’s commitment to take the steps you identified along with other ideas they might have.

Having a method to resolve issues allows you to feel more confident heading into an issues clearing conversation and more likely to lean in instead of step over it.  

Remember that being transparent is kind. When you use this formula to have a candid conversation with the purpose of clearing issues, you will see your productivity, peace of mind, and quality of relationships dramatically improve. 

Your call to action is to challenge yourself this week to step over nothing. Instead, address what isn’t being said. Talk about issues before they get so large that they can’t be disarmed or dispelled. First, lay your foundation and then use the simple step-by-step formula.

As reassurance, know that if these issues are on your mind, they’re probably on the other person’s mind too.  You’ll both be served by clearing the air and acknowledging the elephant in the room.

In this episode I share:

  • 3 foundation-building steps to set your candid conversation up for success
  • A step-by-step formula to engage in difficult conversations whether personal or professional 
  • Examples of the exact words in the right order that will help you to resolve even the most difficult conflicts in the boardroom, office, or at home 

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Resolving conflict like a pro Playing Full Out Rita Hyland

Resolving Conflict Like a Pro

resolving conflict like a pro playing full out rita hyland

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn 3 simple steps to show you how to use anger as a powerful tool and produce transformative, desired outcomes during conflict resolution. 

It happens to us all: someone treats us unfairly, our opinion is disregarded, we feel our contributions at work or home are undervalued. Slowly, and sometimes instantly, we become ANGRY. “How dare they!” we think to ourselves. Does this sound like a familiar, maybe even recurring experience for you? If so, I want to show you what you can do when you feel yourself getting angry at someone, how to use anger as a powerful tool, and what to do to transform that anger into positivity, productivity and peace.

A problem we all face in the world today is the presence of tons of reasons to feel triggered and angry.

We can find them in our news, politics, workplaces, communities, and maybe even in our families. Then, when we’re faced with so much anger, we inadvertently become angry, too. But, if all of us are in a triggered state feeling angry, how can we do the work that we need for conflict resolution?

One thing you might not know  I do in my work is conflict resolution in relationships. In fact, it’s a lot of what I do whether implicitly or explicitly. I am often called  to resolve conflicts between a manager and an employee, partners at a firm, department heads, and even between spouses. In most cases, the hurt, judgment, blame, and anger in these situations is high.  It’s common then for both parties to get ensnared by anger. But why? Why is there so much anger?

Our anger is a form of protection for when we feel threatened.

Our body is doing what it is inherently called to do. It triggers our sympathetic nervous system to fight, flee, or freeze in order to save us. Which of these three coping mechanisms we choose is usually determined by what worked for us at a younger point in our lives. When something works for us, we repeat it.  Eventually it becomes an automatic response —  an immediate reaction that shows up whenever we get angry.

Here’s where the problem shows up – when we react with anger, blame, and indignation, we end up either destroying relationships and opportunities or severely impeding their growth.  Anger also comes with a significant cost to our health in the form of anxiety, high blood pressure, and heart attacks – just to name a few. 

How can you become better at navigating your anger rather than being sabotaged by it?

Believe it or not, you can learn how to turn anger into positive energy through a proven 3-step emotionally intelligent process.  It’s one that differentiates the evolved, self-aware individual and leader from others. Let’s get into the steps.

Be curious. Not furious.

Lead with curiosity. When you’re feeling hurt, try to slow down your reaction. Instead of throwing anger and blame, be curious and begin to ask questions seeking to find something you didn’t know. Did someone cut you off in traffic triggering your road rage? Slow down and curiously ask yourself, “I wonder why he’s driving so fast…” What am I missing? What am I not seeing adequately? What may I not be considering? What else do I need to know here?

When you start by making assumptions, your own preconceived notions about how they are reacting to you are actually influencing how those people react. Believe it or not, you are actually much more in control of the responses you’re getting. If you change your perspective and think about things differently, 9 times out of 10, you’re going to get different responses, reactions, and results.

Assume positive intention.

Especially until you know otherwise. Give the opportunity for someone else to be heard for their intentions and to be seen accurately as opposed to what your primal angry, protective, threatened brain is conjuring up in a moment where it feels under siege.

Choose to connect.

Share something about you with the person you’re angry with that they might not know. Show your humanity. Be emotionally honest. What happens in the Law of Reciprocity is that what we give, someone else wants to respond in kind. So, if you’re choosing to connect, to be human, to be emotionally honest, it’s likely you are going to get the same thing back in return. This is how you begin to have more power over creating peace than you’ve previously recognized or owned. 

You can be passionate and defend your position down to the death, but the wisest know when to end the attack and anger and begin to be curious.  The wisest know when to see the humanity in the other person, to give them compassion and empathy. 

When you’re angry, be sure to discern whether you’re spending your energy wisely or getting caught up in an exhausting spiral of resistance just for the sake of being angry. 

Some of the best advice for living an open-hearted life and becoming a conflict resolution master is to remember a quote from Socrates: 

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. 

 

If you choose to operate from this mindset, you’ll find yourself always in a state of being curious. You’ll drop the assumptions that are evoking the negative, undesired behaviors from others. You’ll start asking questions, having more compassion, and naturally engage and connect with others showing them your own humanity. 

The bottom line is that anger is not a bad emotion. It is a messenger that is absolutely necessary at times to keep us safe and alive. Too often, however, we believe there are things threatening our existence that really aren’t. Instead, they may simply be threatening our ego  or maybe our reputation.  

If you find that anger is preventing a deal from going through, a team’s best production, you getting promoted, or a relationship with a family member thriving, begin repeating to yourself the mantra, “Be curious, not furious.” Your results will change each and every time. You’ll also improve your status as a leader, parent, spouse, and friend. 

In this episode I share:

  • Real-world examples of how anger triggers us and leads us to immediately react in destructive ways
  • What anger really is and why it’s important in our lives
  • My go-to transformational 3-step process to shift your immediate reaction to anger into a mindful state of curiosity that turns around conflict and creates positive, desired outcomes
  • The emotionally intelligent behavior that differentiates evolved, self-aware individuals and leaders from angry individuals who unwittingly sabotage and destroy relationships and opportunities

Resources and related episodes:

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to leading the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology which uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

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