Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.
I’m going in deeper than I have in the past on a topic I haven’t really covered before—self-worth.
In part, it has to do with a conversation from a previous Playing Full Out podcast episode devoted to why we overwork. It’s called How to Work Less Without the Worry.
I heard from many of you who had more questions and said you really resonated with the topic. That you’ve accomplished a lot in so many ways, but continue to struggle with being able to stop working so hard or to slow down and enjoy what you’ve already created and achieved. That no matter what you have accomplished it never feels like it’s enough which makes it hard to ever shake the push to work harder, accomplish, and hustle more.
One business owner shared that he thought when he reached a certain level that he’d finally feel satisfied, but that something is still missing.
He said he’d give anything to be able to enjoy more of his accomplishments — but that he always seems to be chasing something more.
I completely understand. It’s something I learned about myself for the first time a long time ago that explained so much of my dissatisfaction and my compulsion to hustle—even after I had achieved something that I thought would give me the feeling that I was missing.
It had everything to do with a belief in my self-worth, which is the topic of this episode.
Many years ago, I walked into the office of an individual who I was hoping would help me identify a more satisfying career. I left with what I thought was an unusual assignment. My homework was to embrace the belief that I am worthy of unconditional love.
The woman said, “Understand that you don’t have to accomplish another thing in order to be worthy.”
That felt incredibly uncomfortable. And while it was nice, I didn’t see what that had to do with me identifying a fulfilling career. What I hadn’t seen was that most of my life, I believed that if I only accomplished and achieved enough, then I would be enough. I would feel worthy.
I hadn’t seen that I was always being driven by this deep belief that my worth was directly correlated to my accomplishments.
It was this belief that kept me hustling and working hard to achieve more. Because I figured if I pleased enough people, if I accumulated the things that most considered representations of success and if I got enough validation and recognition, that I’d finally feel those feelings of fulfillment that I was yearning for.
I hadn’t seen that this was at the root of what was driving me to spend long hours working 3 jobs, working out constantly, perfecting my work, pleasing my bosses along with my family, and friends — and never feeling real satisfaction.
But these beliefs didn’t then—and still don’t—foster fulfillment because they aren’t true at all.
These beliefs are based on a lie. The lie that we have to achieve and work hard and do more in order to be worthy.
It made sense why it was so uncomfortable for me to slow down and enjoy what was in front of me.
Since then I’ve spent a lot of my professional life with incredibly successful people on the outside. But whether they’ve had career or financial success—it never felt like it was enough.
So they did the only thing they knew—the only thing they’d ever been taught—they worked harder.
Hear me out. No one has ever come to me and said they have a self-worth problem.
We have relationship problems, business problems, health problems, and career problems.
Self-worth is not one of them.
But Jamie Kern Lima in her book, Worthy, shares the numbers struggling with worthiness issues and they might surprise you.
- 90% of women struggle with not feeling enough.
- 73% of female executives battle with imposter syndrome.
And before you think it’s just a female issue, note that the numbers for men are almost the same.
- 70% of men feel inadequate.
These numbers are staggering as well as sad because not feeling worthy prevents us from sharing our brilliance. And we never feel truly satisfied.
How do you know whether self-worth may be at the root of your current problem? If you struggle with:
- walking into a meeting
- asking for what you want
- speaking what you think
- promoting yourself
- stagnating on accomplishing an important milestone or
- holding a boundary to work less
…these are all signs that you may need to start with looking at the faulty belief of “I am not worthy enough.”
We often believe we need more confidence, or new tactics or techniques, but—self-confidence is an external experience, while self-worth is an internal matter.
Trying to feel fulfilled by accomplishing more, will simply not work. It’s like threading a needle while you’re wearing boxing gloves. It’s absolutely impossible.
While achievement can make you feel a lot of things—empowered, more self-confident, stronger—it will never make you feel worthy.
I am sure you—just as I didn’t—don’t think there’s a self-worth issue.
It had never occurred to me that my feelings of not believing I was enough could resolve my external problems of working too hard, not liking the career I was pursuing or my financial situation — but it did.
If you’re in a career that is wonderful or looks good by external measures, but… you don’t feel worthy of having it, then you’re not going to show up at your highest levels of capacity or ability or talent.
We can achieve all the things that make us look like a success, but if we don’t have the feeling or identity of someone who is worthy of that success—exactly as we are, without doing another thing or without anything else—then we can achieve all those things, but we’re never really going to feel fulfilled.
I’ve learned that people can gain more self-confidence and move through their failures, have higher performance, achieve big milestones, but if they haven’t learned how to increase their belief that they are worthy, they’re never really going to feel the satisfaction and fulfillment they are yearning for.
Many of us are realizing that despite having accomplished all the things that we thought would make us feel fulfilled or satisfied, that we’re still missing the feeling of internal satisfaction.
The biggest costs to those in a position of leadership when they don’t feel worthy enough or are dealing with imposter syndrome are how it hinders decision making abilities, leads to self-sabotage, and keeps us individuals stuck in hustle mode.
Our cultural conditioning trained us that we must hustle for our worth.
But the truth is we’ve been worthy since the day we were born.
Understand that just by existing—no matter what socioeconomic level, title, or what you’ve accomplished—You Are Worthy.
The reality is that I still work on cultivating my own self-worth everyday. I can see when I’m stagnating on important decisions or not showing up fully.
But as I have thoughts that I’m supposed to get approval from others or when I’m not accepting a challenge—it’s then that I take a breath and use the very tools I encourage my clients to use.
When you find yourself not feeling worthy, do this exercise
Notice those times when you’re stagnating, overthinking, stalling, or maybe even changing who you are to get approval.
Then write out what I call a Worthy List.
Start by writing the things you’re not doing, or feeling, or experiencing. And then in front of it, write “I am worthy to.”
For example:
-
- I am worthy to rest.
- I am worthy to take a vacation.
- I am worthy to make a career change.
- I am worthy to not take on that project.
- I am worthy to love myself exactly as I am.
- I am worthy to say “no thank you” to the invitation or
- I am worthy to say “no more” to the work I don’t like
When you feel worthy of the role you are in or what you have, it doesn’t mean you stop pursuing your goals or dreams—it means you don’t pursue them with the belief that they’re going to make you feel fulfilled.
What you want is when you do achieve these things, you’re able to enjoy them. And if you don’t achieve them, you feel worthy regardless!
That is the “there” so many high-achievers are pursuing. It’s the feeling of internal peace, satisfaction and fulfillment regardless of what level of success we’ve hit or what anyone else thinks.
The great news is that you can learn to feel worthy.
And when you learn to feel that you are enough, it will allow you to stop working so hard and hustling to achieve because you’ll realize it already exists within you. You’ve had it all along.
In this episode, I share:
- How not feeling worthy negatively can affect your business, career, health, and relationships
- Signs to spot feelings of unworthiness
- A quick exercise in the journey of learning to feel worthy
Resources and related episodes:
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.
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About Rita Hyland
With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.
Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.
Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.
Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.
When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.
Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.
