It’s Time To Change the Way You See Things

I walked into my house after nine months away. The familiar walls welcomed me like an old friend.

As I unpacked my things—and those of my two college daughters who had just returned—I started seeing things I hadn’t noticed before.

Way too many clothes jammed into that closet.
A plant blocking the light in the corner.
A backyard that needs some love.
Even driving around town, I caught myself smiling at things I’d never paid attention to.

The house hadn’t changed. But I had.

My perspective had shifted—and with it, my ability to see what I’d been too busy to question.

It wasn’t just the physical stuff. I noticed responsibilities I’d taken on that didn’t serve me anymore. Maybe they never did.

Living away for nine months—supporting my son’s journey—gave me a gift I didn’t know I needed: a different perspective.

We all know perspective shapes our lives. Like when a doctor tells two patients with the same disease that they have six months to live. One goes home to prepare to die. The other says, “No way. I’ve got grandkids to watch grow up.” One passes away shortly after. The other thrives for several more years.

Same situation. Different perspective. Different outcome.

How we look at a situation determines how we respond.
How we respond shapes our results.
Our perspective, therefore, shapes our destiny.

You’d think we’d be experts at expanding our perspective, right?
But the truth is… we’re not.

Here’s why.

It’s easy to forget that our perspective is just that—a perspective, not a fact. We get stuck seeing the world the same way every day. We look for evidence that confirms what we already believe—rather than challenging it.

It’s like being a fish in a fishbowl. The fish doesn’t even know it’s in water because it’s always been there.

For over two decades, I’ve helped men and women revolutionize their lives and leadership—so they can increase their happiness, impact, productivity, and bottom lines.

And here’s the secret sauce: every transformation starts with a change in the way we see things.

When we change the way we see things—the things we see change.

Even the tiniest shift can be revolutionary. Like a golfer who changes their grip by just a centimeter—and suddenly the ball goes in a completely different direction.

My time away reminded me: I must never stop seeking fresh perspectives—even when life feels good.

This fall, in my new hybrid coaching program, The Inner Game Advantage, we’ll use perspective shifts to reset, amplify your happiness, and increase your influence.

But you don’t have to wait until then. Here’s your summer homework:

Ask yourself these questions:
👉 Where am I stuck in the same patterns, just because that’s the way I’ve always done it?
👉 What am I not seeing that’s holding me—or others—back?
👉 What’s another perspective (or seven) that could change everything?

Summer is the perfect time to explore new perspectives. Its slower pace and longer days invite us to pause, reflect, try something new, and play.

Maybe it’s a weekend getaway to somewhere you’ve never been.
Or reading a book you’d normally skip.
Or having coffee with someone who challenges your thinking.

Even a simple walk—without your phone—or an evening journaling in the backyard can unlock new insights. When we give ourselves space to see things differently, we discover possibilities we never knew existed.

Life becomes better than we imagined.

This fall, I’ll be trekking the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu—a trip I’ve dreamed about for years. With how much perspective has expanded for me lately, I can’t wait to see the world from yet another vantage point. Stay tuned. I promise to share the perspectives I find with you.

In the meantime, here’s to seeing your world—and your leadership—with fresh eyes.

All my best,
~Rita

P.S. Curious how seeing things differently could revolutionize your life, leadership, and productivity? Let’s chat, and we’ll schedule a Connection Call. Let’s explore what’s possible with a fresh perspective—and a coach in your corner.

Discomfort Is a Sign of Growth — Not a Signal To Stop

Last weekend, my daughter graduated from college. A proud, emotional, heart-tugging milestone. As I cheered her on, I couldn’t help but return in my mind to the day we dropped her off in Texas four years ago.

It was August 2021 — peak COVID uncertainty. Move-in day was rainy, chaotic, masked, distanced, and heavy with emotion. At the end of it all, as her dad and I prepared to leave, she cried and asked me not to go.

Last weekend, she cried again — not because we were leaving her, but because she was leaving a place she had come to love, grown strong in, and made her own.

That’s the thing about change — it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it brings tears. But it also brings growth.

This year has brought its own discomfort for me, too.

In the fall, I moved to Minnesota to support my son in a new opportunity — playing hockey for the school year. A new place, a fresh experience, and a chance to show up for someone I love.

In reality, it was hard.

Like really hard.

I was surprised at my own resistance. I kept thinking, People go through much more difficult changes than this. What is wrong? Why is this hitting me so hard?

But I knew deep down that my discomfort had something to teach me — even if I didn’t understand it yet.

So I grieved the change. Dug deep. Then I got curious.

I asked myself: When have I felt this way before? What is this discomfort here to teach me? How can this experience help me grow? What gifts might be hidden inside this change?

The answers didn’t come all at once. But slowly, I realized I was being stretched — emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I was learning how to be okay in the unknown. How to find peace without a routine. How to let go, support, and stay grounded — all at once.

Just like my daughter’s first year away, this season has changed me. I’m not the same person who started the year — and I’m thankful for that. I’m a better version of me.

Here’s what I’ve come to know: Growth rarely feels good in the moment. It often comes dressed as frustration, loneliness, doubt, or resistance. But that’s not failure. That’s the work. That’s transformation happening in real time.

Discomfort is not the enemy. It’s a signal. A sign that we’re stretching past our comfort zone, moving into the next version of who we’re becoming.

So if you’re in a season that feels like too much or not enough, remember: growth often feels like falling apart before it feels like coming together. And we’re always, always learning — even when our school’s name is the University of Life.

Here’s to change. Here’s to discomfort. And here’s to what’s waiting on the other side of both!

All my best,

~Rita

P.S. Have you ever resisted a change that ended up being great or helped you grow? I’d love to hear your story — just hit reply. 😃

The Energy Reset Every Leader Needs This Spring

This past week I found myself surrounded with boxes of stuff I was inspired to clean out in time for our community’s spring clean up. I noticed most of the contents of one large closet had never even been unpacked since we moved into the house eight years ago. “Why did we ever keep this stuff,” I thought.

I spent hours sorting through old belongings of my kids and mine, throwing out what I thought they no longer needed. Placing some things aside that I needed to ask their opinion before I tossed or donated. (I’ve learned this the hard way.)

I like to get rid of things. I have been known to not take others’ opinions into account during my decluttering. This time I vowed to do it differently.

While I don’t always like the time it takes to clean out the old, I am drawn to the new energy that clearing out the physical clutter and its invisible weight provides.

We all accumulate things…physically, mentally and emotionally. Stuff that served in one season doesn’t always serve us in the next. And the truth is if we don’t clear stuff out and make room, we can’t move forward.

Like nature, we also need seasons of reset — of shedding, re-rooting, and realigning.

So this month, I want to invite you into a gentle but powerful Energy Reset.

Not a rigid routine. Not another thing to manage. But a reconnection to what fuels you—mind, body, and spirit. And a letting go of what does not.

Start With a Mental Declutter

Ask yourself:

Is this serving me?

Is this worry, recurring thought, habit, mindset, or relationship working for me?

Have I outgrown it? Am I holding onto this just because I always have?

Remember, we don’t always need to add something in order to move forward.

The greatest progress can often be made when we let something go.

Nourish Your Emotional Core

Ask yourself:

What am I feeling that I’ve been avoiding?

Where am I saying “yes” when I mean “not now” or even “no”?

Recently, I took on a problem for a family member. After days of investing my time and involving others to help, the family member decided she didn’t want the help after all. I had to undo what I had done, and it drained me emotionally.

It occurred to me that not every problem is ours to solve. Not every thought deserves our full attention. This is easier to see when our minds are decluttered.

Our emotional energy leaks not through the big things—but through tiny betrayals of self, repeated daily.

Choose one small boundary to honor this week. Let it be enough.

When you honor your emotions, you stop hustling for peace and start embodying it.

Reignite Your Physical Vitality

This isn’t about a diet or a bootcamp. It’s about remembering that your body is not a machine—it’s a sacred vessel for your mission.

Drink more water than coffee.
Walk without your phone.

Sleep like it’s your secret weapon (because it is).

And maybe most importantly—breathe.
Deeply. Slowly. As if your life depends on it.

Because in many ways, it does.

As you go through the week, I encourage you to do some internal and external spring cleaning. You don’t need to overhaul everything. Often, it’s the subtle shifts that create seismic change.

When you reset your energy even gently, you rise with more clarity. Create space for growth. Know what energizes you. And are clear minded — for yourself and those you lead.

So let this be your permission slip:
To pause. To realign. To reclaim your spark—not by doing more, but by letting go of more so you can return to who you already are.

You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are becoming.

All my best,
~Rita

Slowing It Down to Keep Yourself Resourceful

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you find yourself compulsively moved to action even when you want to rest? You promise yourself you’ll slow down after you get just one more thing knocked out. But then something else needs to be accomplished or fixed – and well aren’t you the best person to do that?

For many today, the way we are approaching our life and work is dysregulating our performance – and nervous system. What worked for so long is now wreaking havoc on our life and leadership and many don’t know how to pull out of it.

In this episode, I’m looking at the epidemic of hyper-functioning, especially among highly capable, high-achieving individuals. The ones who, when you look at their early training and programming, not surprisingly, were raised to save the day, caretake, and handle the perceived threat as quickly as possible.

Today, I’m providing the tools to slow down and self-regulate those overstimulated nervous systems to ensure you are making your decisions consciously instead of compulsively. These are the same tools today’s greatest leaders are using to boost resourcefulness, avoid burnout, and enhance happiness and leadership.

Understanding our Nervous System

Our nervous system operates in two primary states: the sympathetic state (also known as the fight-or-flight state) and the parasympathetic state (also known as the rest-and-digest state).

When we’re in our parasympathetic state (our peaceful, grounded “flow” state), we’re capable of deep focus, creativity, connection, and meaningful action. But when we’re in a sympathetic state (fight or flight), we become led by reactivity and compulsiveness.

The reality is that right now over 74% of people report experiencing some level of stress, which means most of us are navigating life from our fight-or-flight state. In turn, the nervous system becomes dysregulated. The worst part is most don’t know how to pull out of it.

Recognizing Dysregulation: The Story of Jack

Recognizing dysregulation is important because many of us are operating in a constant state of stress without even realizing it. Like, for example, Jack. He is a leader, a high performer, a go-getter, and a true GSDer (Get Sh*t Done kind of guy). For years, Jack operated from pure willpower, grit, and determination. If something was missing, upended, broken, or someone was hurting, he’d step in and fix it. As a result, he became very successful.

But recently, Jack found himself exhausted, irritable, and disconnected. He realized that what used to be his strength no longer works for him and is now the reason why he is unhappy and unsatisfied. He’s been given feedback that he was running over people at work. Impatient with those closest to him. He isn’t able to enjoy what he’s created or relax on vacation because he’s constantly thinking about work and how to forecast the next thing needed to be done. Jack described himself as restless, stuck and unable to break through it. Living and working this way for so long, his nervous system is overstimulated and dysregulated.

The Cost of Overstimulation

Leaders, like Jack in particular, pay a high personal cost for not mastering self-regulation, which can manifest in disempowered teams, missed opportunities, and overall life dissatisfaction. If this chronic stress unknowingly continues, it harms relationships, limits creativity, reduces overall effectiveness, and triggers health issues.

Strategies To Slow Down For More Conscious Rather Than Compulsive Living & Leading

If you feel trapped with things not changing even when you’re working harder, here are practical strategies to slow down and regain your control:

Pause: Instead of moving faster – slow down. You don’t have to solve that problem immediately. Wait until you are calm and centered before responding.
Do One Thing: Instead of doing many things – do one. Complete each task fully before moving on. This focused approach not only reduces stress but also boosts your productivity as it decreases mistakes.
Recognize Rest Is Productive: Create space in your day for rest. Contrary to ingrained beliefs, embracing rest enhances productivity and creativity.
Get To the Root: When feeling compelled to continue moving and accomplishing, ask yourself, “what am I feeling that makes me keep doing this even when it doesn’t feel good?” Simply acknowledging the root of the feeling can be a game-changer.

Cultivating Self-Awareness and Reflection

One of the most in-demand skills right now among leaders is self-awareness and self-actualization. That’s because today’s top leaders know there is a different set of skills needed to succeed in today’s environment. Developing these skills ensure you become the leader, visionary and creative you are here to be.

Embrace the Slower Pace

Your call to action this week is to slow down. The next time you feel stressed or overly reactive, take a breath and exhale deeply. Make the sound ahhhh as you do. The stressed sympathetic nervous system will shift.

Remind yourself: It is productive to rest.

The more you use these inner game tools and sharpen your self-regulation, the better they become. This is how you empower yourself and others in the best possible way.

In this episode, I share:

Why high-achieving men and women are suffering from dysregulation of the nervous system at significantly higher rates
A simple mantra when the stress is high and the pressure to perform at maximum capacity seems never-ending
A few simple tools that will boost your resourcefulness, avoid burnout, and enhance your happiness and leadership

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, From Disappointment to Power: Mastering the Art of Bouncing Back
Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Leadership Edge: Mastering Self-Compassion for Greater Success

“Tension is who you think you should be, relaxation is who you are.”

~Chinese Proverb

In a conversation with my husband, I shared that I had missed a deadline to sign up for one of my kid’s activities, was behind on a work commitment, and was hyper-aware of all that needed to be accomplished before an upcoming event I was co-hosting.

I was noticeably hard on myself as I judged my lack of productivity and efficiency over the previous weeks.

My husband looked at me disturbed and said, “I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself.” I recall looking back at him with an inquisitive — ‘What? That’s-how-you-get-life-done’ kind of look.

Later I sat down to think about what he’d said. Being hard on myself was a way I had used to motivate myself for years. It was so automatic that I didn’t notice all the ways I was rough on myself — I pushed myself to work long hours, follow through on commitments to others while breaking ones to myself, and made myself go faster when I really needed to slow down. Thinking about it made me both tired and sad. Now I noticed how this relentless pressure on myself didn’t just affect me. It was negatively influencing those around me as well. I knew I had work to do — and it wasn’t on my missed deadlines.

Perhaps you can relate.

As a leader, you’re no stranger to high expectations. Perhaps you too push yourself to perform extraordinarily, demand the best, and hold yourself accountable at every turn.

But here’s a truth that high achievers overlook: self-criticism doesn’t fuel success – self-compassion does.

Too often, we equate self-worth with achievement, believing that if we push harder, we’ll finally feel “enough.”

But what if the way you’ve been taught to succeed is the very thing that keeps you from what you truly want?

What if the real key to sustainable success, a meaningful life, and great leadership isn’t more pressure, but more grace?

The most effective leaders aren’t the ones who are always productive and never fall; they’re the ones who rise and lead with self-trust, resilience, and self-kindness.

Here are ways to lead with more self-compassion…

Call it – Acknowledgement is powerful. The critic is a bully that we set up to motivate us and loses its density when we name it.
Reframe the mistake – Instead of dwelling on mistakes, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? And what do I want now?” Then move forward with self-trust.
Reassure yourself – Self-soothe with one or two words in those moments you feel the pressure on yourself. “You’re OK,” “It’s OK” or “Soften” are a few I use. Find the one that speaks to you.
Prioritize rest as much as productivity – The best leaders know that their energy is their greatest currency. They take care of their most valuable asset. How often do you give yourself permission to pause and refuel?

Notice the personal and professional advantages that play out as you focus on self-compassion this week. It’s important because others are watching you!

All my best,

~Rita

P.S. Discover new ways to practice living to your potential and a deeply meaningful life. Schedule a Session to talk with me about getting your inner game advantage!

From Disappointment to Power: Mastering the Art of Bouncing Back

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Hi friend! How do you bounce back after people let you down? When a family member, boss, organization, or even institution disappoints you? Recently, I’ve been hearing a lot in my conversations about people letting us down and the ongoing fallout of those disappointments.

In this episode, I’m sharing the four-step process to understand your disappointment and help you manage it so you can have what I call a good bounce-back rate. That is, the time between the disappointment and getting back to your centered and best self. Whether you’ve been recently let down or are preparing for future challenges, these steps will guide you to navigate and recover from disappointments gracefully and protect your well-being so that you don’t suffer or becoming hardened by the initial disappointment.

After all, the worst thing that can happen after someone else’s disappointing behavior is that we become or play smaller.

Understanding Disappointment

Disappointment is a natural emotional response when our reality does not align with our expectations. Whether it’s a missed opportunity, a betrayal, or an unforeseen challenge, disappointments commonly catch us off guard.

For example, a client of mine recently discovered that another executive officer had secretly set up multiple fake businesses on the company ledger. The leader had been stealing several million dollars from the company over the last few years. She was completely blindsided by this revelation. Not only had she been let down but she also felt violated, realizing she had unknowingly facilitated some of his altercations.

The Four Archetypes of Disappointment Responders

The feeling of disappointment can be unsettling and can really trip us up. However, by understanding and recognizing our default response to disappointment, we can proactively navigate those emotions more effectively before they hijack us.

Here are the four general responses I see when it comes to disappointment:

Retaliator

The Retaliator wants to get even. When someone disappoints or hurts them, they feel compelled to make the other person feel hurt as they have. This approach unfortunately drains valuable energy, keeping the individual stuck in anger and ultimately does more harm than good.

Fixer

The Fixer believes they are the one that can “fix” or change the person who disappointed them. They may invest inordinate time trying to change the other person’s behavior. This is often seen in in relationships where one person hopes that the disappointment is a one-time event and not a reflection of the others values or lack of care or concern for them. Despite this good intention, this often leads to more repeated disappointment and exhaustion.

Self-Protector

In response to being hurt, the Self-protector builds walls to prevent future disappointment. They create rigid rules, withdraw trust, and become hardened. While this may feel like safety for them, it ultimately limits connection and vulnerability.

Self-Actualized Leader

This is the most evolved response. The self-actualized leader acknowledges disappointment, processes his emotions, actively works to manage their emotions, and quickly returns to their centered and best self.

Four Steps to Reclaim Your Power After Disappointment

Now that we understand the disappointment and its common responses, let’s discuss how to move through it effectively and empower yourself after feeling let down.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Disappointment

Pretending something isn’t disappointing won’t make it go away. You have to feel it to heal it. Instead of constantly avoiding, allow yourself to express your feelings. Write about them, talk to someone, or process your feelings in whatever way feels right. The more you acknowledge your emotions, the less power they hold over you.

Step 2: Don’t Make it Mean Something

One of the biggest mistakes we make is assigning meaning to a disappointment that isn’t there in the first place. If someone lets you down, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t good enough, valuable, or worthy. It also doesn’t mean that everyone of a certain group or identity is that way. Remember, people’s actions are shaped by their own experiences, not yours. Avoid making assumptions and resist the urge to take things personally.

Step 3: Reclaim Your Mental Space

Ask yourself this question: “What can I do to stop this from taking up more real estate in my mind?” The disappointment has already taken something from you— don’t let it take more. Reclaim your power by shifting your focus toward what truly matters: your well-being, your priorities, and your future.

Step 4: Start From Where You Are Now

The most powerful phrase I tell myself is: “Start from where I am now.” This simple shift brings you back to the present moment, allowing you to move forward without being weighed down by the past. What’s done is done; you need to accept it, and the best thing you can do is decide how to take charge of your response moving forward.

Bonus: The Power of Letting Go

I do this anytime I’m not at peace when I feel irritated or disappointed by someone. In my mind, I wish the other well. Sending them with love is freeing and cuts the cords of disappointment or irritation. And in return, you also set yourself free because you can’t be angry and give love at the same time.

Cultivating Resilience and Inner Peace

Disappointment will come whether we like it or not, but you have the power to determine how much it impacts you. How fast you bounce back. Acknowledge it, process it, and choose not to give it more energy than necessary. You are too important and too needed to stay stuck in disappointment.

What matters is your state of mind and how quickly you can bounce back to your center because you are always attracting your current state to you.

In this episode, I share how:

Understanding disappointment and its impact helps you manage emotions and control the power you give it.
To process your response to disappointment and consciously choose to move forward.
To reclaim your power and protect your peace by intentionally shifting your mindset, setting boundaries, and returning to your most grounded self.

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest
Listen to Leading From a Heart at Peace
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Must-Have Skill That Separates Highly Successful Leaders From the Rest

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Do you think you’re a good listener? Most leaders do, but research shows that we only retain about 25% of what we hear. That means distractions and assumptions get in the way. But what if you could train yourself to become a 5-star active listener and stronger leader?

In this episode, I’m sharing powerful active listening techniques to boost your workplace productivity and strengthen your relationships in all areas of your life. Inspired by my conversation with Mary, a seasoned leader who masters and actively practices what it means to be an outstanding listener. By applying my BAN method, you can transform every interaction into a powerful and impactful conversation.

What is Active Listening?

Active listening is more than just hearing words. It’s the ability to listen to what’s being said, understand its message, and make the other person feel valued. Even if you disagree with what the person is saying, your acknowledgment creates a sense of powerful connection.

Transformative Impact of Active Listening

But why is becoming a better listener important? As a high-functioning leader you know you can walk and talk at the same time, right? Not really.

Research has shown that active listening has a profound effect that can change both your relationships and your environment. When someone feels truly seen and heard, the law of reciprocity comes into play. They feel valued and respected, and in turn, they’re more likely to actively listen to you. This mutual exchange sparks better collaboration, reduces conflict, and supports a more productive, supportive, and trusting atmosphere.

Common Barriers to Active Listening

Even with the best intentions in mind, there are sneaky habits that often block our ability to understand. Here are the habitual practices that stop us from becoming better listeners:

Multitasking: Dividing attention between the conversation and other tasks like responding to texts, cars, or emails.
Pre-emptive Judgments: Forming counter-arguments and assumptions about what will be said next.
Interjections: Interrupting with personal anecdotes or finishing someone else’s thoughts.
Seeking Validation: Focusing on sounding interesting instead of being engaged and interested in the conversation.

Evaluating Your Listening Skills

Before diving into the techniques that can level up your listening game, let’s first take a moment and honestly assess where you currently stand. After all, you can’t improve what you can’t measure.

Grab a pen or just reflect as you go through the following questions. Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 being = I don’t do this very often and 10 = being I do it very often:

When someone’s talking to me, I think about what I’m going to say next to make sure I get my point across correctly.
How often do you feel comfortable with silence and refrain from filling in the pauses in conversations?
As I listen, do I compare the other person’s viewpoint with my own?
Do I interrupt people when I’m excited by the conversation?
Do I help people finish their sentences?
If the other person is struggling to explain something, do I jump in with my own suggestions or answer the questions that I just asked them?

If your numbers are 5 or higher, know that you’re completely normal, and there is an opportunity to improve your active listening skills.

BAN Method to Become a 5-Star Active Listener

B – Be Curious

This is one of the most important qualities of leaders. Leading with curiosity and asking better questions to understand the speaker’s perspective. Instead of making another statement, make it a habit to ask 1 to 2 follow-up questions based on what you just heard.

For example, my husband brought up a topic that at first could have looked like I needed to help him solve a problem. But because I was truly actively listening, instead of solving a logistical problem, I asked him how I could support him. This reduces assumptions and encourages deeper conversation.

A – Apply the 5-Second Rule

When someone finishes speaking, pause for five seconds before responding. One of the things that I recently noticed about my client, Mary, a five-star active listener, was how thoughtful and slow her responses were. She uses the power of pause and silence to create space for the conversation to breathe.

This intentional pause allows the speaker to complete their thoughts and shows that you value their words. It also gives you time to formulate a more thoughtful response.

Now, I get it—five seconds can feel like an eternity, especially if you’re not used to it. But in this practice, you’re really reminding yourself to naturally slow down your pace, even if it’s not for the entire 5 seconds.

N – Notice

Notice when you are not actively listening and drop the behavior, whether it’s putting away distractions, maintaining eye contact, or patiently listening without interrupting; these practices affirm that the speaker is valued and understood.

Implement Change

Your action step is to choose one aspect of the BAN method to focus on for a week. Whether it’s being more curious, applying the 5-second rule, or noticing when you are not fully listening, adopt this practice and observe the changes in how others respond to you.

Remember, the world needs more active listeners, and you’re the perfect one to begin it.

In this episode, I share how:

Active listening can shape the quality of productivity and relationships by helping others to feel truly heard and understood.
Ways to ban poor communication and be a better communicator.
Assess and enhance your listening skills to make you a more impactful leader.

Resources and related episodes:

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

The Care and Nurturing of Meaningful Connection

As I headed into my hometown to be with my family for Thanksgiving, I saw a sign at the local cleaners that read, ”Until further notice…celebrate everything.” Amen, I thought. This year, has reminded me how temporary this life is.

While I drove I thought about the 41 individuals ranging in age from two to 82 who would gather around the table. There hasn’t been a year I’ve missed returning to be with them at Thanksgiving. To me it is home.

Just like any family we are a funny crew. We can’t possibly all believe, choose and do the same things. We all have different histories and stories and therefore different perspectives. We are in different seasons of our life. We have grown, experienced setbacks, missteps, pain and loss at different points and in different measures.

But despite these differences, we’re more alike than we are different. At least that’s where I put my attention. Others must too. There’s something that has so many of us returning as our families have grown.

What I’ve learned about family — and relationships in general — is that relationships run on rededication and recommitment. They don’t run well on autopilot. They require investment.

As I’ve moved between two homes and two states these last months, I’ve realized even more the importance of the care and nurturing of our relationships. That we must tend to them continually with love, kindness, and support. Like all living things, they will wither without proper feeding.

This year at Thanksgiving I knew we would all be feeling the heaviness of the loss of our beloved Uncle Ted around the Thanksgiving table. He always created a welcoming, compassionate, judgement-free zone. He seemed to know most people in life are just looking for a safe place to be themselves.

The truth is when we provide a safe place for others to be themselves and allow them to give that to us as well, we experience the true connection we all seek.

I’ve learned that our stories and the events in our lives may take twists and turns that pull our relationships in different directions, but we always have the opportunity to rededicate and recommit to them.

I am more aware than ever that one day these Thanksgiving celebrations will take another form. In the meantime — and until further notice — I will keep celebrating. I encourage you to do the same.

May this season be a time when we refresh the love and kindness we bring to each relationship, knowing that connection not only sustains us but provides us warmth on our coldest days.

Wishing you a season full of meaningful connections. I am grateful for YOU and our connection!

Warmly,

~Rita

The Power of Self-Awareness

Over twenty-five years ago I was given a piece of feedback from a stranger that changed my life.

Her observation and specific feedback weren’t the things that changed my life the most, though it did indirectly lead me to my husband and my decision to do the work that I do today. No, it wasn’t the specifics that changed me.

It was the newfound understanding of the awareness of myself. I was struck.

I was struck by how easy it is to think we are doing all the right things, and that we have the right perspectives, and the right motivations. That the situations in our work, our families, our health, our economy, our politics, or our businesses are responsible for our experience, our peace, or our happiness.

That first insight into self-awareness showed me that things could change when I changed. And that blew my mind!

It blew my mind in a REALLY good way because I had power over that.

I didn’t have to wait for anything outside of me to change. Suddenly, I felt like I could thrive versus falling into being a victim or a grinder as I had unwittingly been for so many years.

As I changed myself, my life changed rapidly. I’d figured it out.

That was until I realized some other parts of me were no longer serving me, like how hard I was on myself. How I used stress to drive and motivate me. How I associated my productivity with my worthiness and how many decisions in my present were based on things that had happened to me from years before.

Looking curiously at the parts of life that may not be working any longer isn’t always comfortable. There are times I’ve resisted. Slowing down is hard. We don’t take time to do the quiet work.

Recently I picked up Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search For Meaning, again after my friend Lisa mentioned she was reading it. The book is not as much about Frankl’s experience in the Nazi concentration camps but more about the source of what it took to survive them.

The point Frankl makes is that there are many things in life that are going to be what they will be. The good news is that we always have a choice — not of what happens but in our response to it.

For example, this last week brought the election of our next president. Half of the country is elated and the other half is disappointed. The good news is if you don’t care for it now, it will change. In the meantime, you have a choice. You can resist life or you can know that we always have power over how we show up to it.

As Victor Frankl tells us, we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it.

Things will change. Things will be taken from us. People will leave. Things beyond our control will happen. But we always have the choice in how we respond. No situation defines us.

The thing about knowing ourselves means knowing that our gifts — the parts of us that have been responsible for our successes in life — can also be the same parts when overused limit us.

These parts usually fall under our coping habits and when we don’t even know what ours is, then we can‘t possibly be aware of when it is getting in the way.

We are at a unique time when the modern-day leader, the ascending leader — and I don’t mean ascending by an advancing title — is being called to rise. It’s a time of emotional, spiritual and mental ascension. Some are doing what they are called to be a part of and some are not. It’s a choice we each have.

The reality is what creates a healthy family, community, marriage and organization are the self-aware leaders.

Why is this important to me?

What I’ve learned is that the more I’ve committed to my self-awareness, the more I’ve seen the impact on my family, my clients, and my teams. As I evolve, so do they. And that is the greatest gift and meaning of life.

So, what does this mean for you as a leader today?

It means taking the time to reflect. It means slowing down and asking yourself: “Am I responding to life from a place of awareness, or am I reacting from old patterns and habits?” It means leading not just with strategy or vision, but with emotional intelligence and self-mastery.

Our family, our team members, and our employees turn to us not just for leadership, but to model for them in the healthiest ways.

The world and life are ripe with unbecoming situations. Our ability to navigate them as an evolved adult instead of as a dysregulated child is essential.

Said differently, we each have a choice: to stay stuck in old patterns or to rise to the person we’re here to be.

Yes, I still have moments when I step out of my better self. I get impatient when someone’s feelings are causing me to be inefficient. When someone else’s request is in the way of my personal goal. But with self-awareness, I pause. The lag time between being provoked and my next compassionate response is shortened.

If you’re ready to step into your next level of leadership, I encourage you to make self-awareness your starting point. The peace and freedom you’re looking for—both in your professional and personal life—are on the other side.

As Viktor Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

All my best,

~Rita

Worthy of New Beginnings

I want to share a piece of wisdom I heard years ago that has stuck with me: “You cannot live your ideal life with your inner control freak in charge.”

It’s a simple yet profound truth that has been more relevant for me lately than I care to admit.

Busy achievers often don’t see themselves as controlling. We believe we’re just doing what needs to be done—achieving goals, performing at work, ensuring our families are safe and thriving.

But I’ve noticed something within myself: when plans don’t go my way, I tighten my grip instead of letting go. “This is how it should be,” I tell myself, resisting the flow of life.

Here’s the thing: life is brimming with infinite opportunities, people, places, career paths and experiences. Our rigid plans often blind us to the myriad possibilities surrounding us. We’re scratching the surface, while incredible realities hover just out of reach, waiting for us to claim them.

A soon to be empty-nester recently confided, “This isn’t where I planned to be. I didn’t expect it to be this way.” It’s a sentiment many have shared with me lately for a variety of reasons. This feeling is amplified by the belief that everyone else has a plan when ours has fallen apart.

But a perspective I embraced long ago is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not meant to be happening — at least not for now. Something else is better. Something that’s meant to expand us, something we can’t see yet.

Letting go of our plans can be incredibly challenging. The more someone tells me “no,” the more my subconscious mind wants to assert control. It’s usually because the unknown alternative scares me, pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I once bought a card I spotted in line at the grocery store with a simple but powerful message: “Sometimes good things fall apart so great things can come together.” I’ve held onto it for years, not because there hasn’t been someone who could benefit from its message, but because it’s a tough pill to swallow when your life plan goes awry. Despite its truth, it’s not a message I want to hear the moment my apple cart is turned over. It remains in my card drawer.

What I’ve learned time and again is that sometimes the very part of us that has helped us survive—by taking charge, planning the future, and driving determinedly according to plan—can be the same part that limits us from the awesome and infinite possibilities that we can’t yet see.

It can be difficult. The determination, drive, commitment and — dare I say — control that have helped us are now being beckoned to soften and rebalance in order to experience an awesome future. We’re being called to loosen our grip, let go, and trust.

What I am saying is that for many of us at this point in our lives, we are noticing a reassembling of our programs, stories and nervous systems. And on cue — as growth does — it rarely feels good.

The reality is life has a way of surprising us with illness, divorce, job loss, child challenges, or other unexpected events. What we know but tend to forget is that it’s not the events themselves but how we respond that shapes our future.

When your inner control freak is leading, it’s easy to want to resist feeling. After all, feelings are inefficient and can make us feel out of control.

I’ve learned, however, that grieving, crying, even shouting in my car, to a friend or therapist can be exactly what we need to release and get back into our flow. It’s essential to metabolizing this glorious, messy and bumpy roller coaster of life.

Once you feel the pain of an ending — unexpected or otherwise — look forward. Move into the unknown and step outside your comfort zone. Rebuild your life with faith that something better is already taking shape.

Remember, some of the hardest experiences become the biggest catalysts for change. Life’s unpredictability can be daunting and sometimes breathtaking. You are not alone. Start small to regain your footing: make your bed, take your supplements, drink a liter of water before 8:00am and take one step at a time.

Embrace the journey. One day, you’ll look back and be thankful that things didn’t go as planned. You’ll see that the life unfolding before you is far better than the one you envisioned.

Today, as we celebrate Father’s Day, let’s also acknowledge the fathers and father figures in our lives who embody resilience and adaptability. Let’s borrow strength knowing that they too likely experienced plenty of uncertainty and plans upended. Take a moment to appreciate the lessons they’ve taught us about letting go and trusting the journey.

Finally, remember this: You’re worthy of new beginnings and you’re more okay than you think you are. Keep the faith that the best is before you. It’s unfolding perfectly and on time according — perhaps not to your plan but — to your destiny!

All my best,

~Rita