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Worthy of New Beginnings

I want to share a piece of wisdom I heard years ago that has stuck with me: “You cannot live your ideal life with your inner control freak in charge.”

It’s a simple yet profound truth that has been more relevant for me lately than I care to admit.

Busy achievers often don’t see themselves as controlling. We believe we’re just doing what needs to be done—achieving goals, performing at work, ensuring our families are safe and thriving.

But I’ve noticed something within myself: when plans don’t go my way, I tighten my grip instead of letting go. “This is how it should be,” I tell myself, resisting the flow of life.

Here’s the thing: life is brimming with infinite opportunities, people, places, career paths and experiences. Our rigid plans often blind us to the myriad possibilities surrounding us. We’re scratching the surface, while incredible realities hover just out of reach, waiting for us to claim them.

A soon to be empty-nester recently confided, “This isn’t where I planned to be. I didn’t expect it to be this way.” It’s a sentiment many have shared with me lately for a variety of reasons. This feeling is amplified by the belief that everyone else has a plan when ours has fallen apart.

But a perspective I embraced long ago is that if something isn’t happening, it’s not meant to be happening — at least not for now. Something else is better. Something that’s meant to expand us, something we can’t see yet.

Letting go of our plans can be incredibly challenging. The more someone tells me “no,” the more my subconscious mind wants to assert control. It’s usually because the unknown alternative scares me, pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I once bought a card I spotted in line at the grocery store with a simple but powerful message: “Sometimes good things fall apart so great things can come together.” I’ve held onto it for years, not because there hasn’t been someone who could benefit from its message, but because it’s a tough pill to swallow when your life plan goes awry. Despite its truth, it’s not a message I want to hear the moment my apple cart is turned over. It remains in my card drawer.

What I’ve learned time and again is that sometimes the very part of us that has helped us survive—by taking charge, planning the future, and driving determinedly according to plan—can be the same part that limits us from the awesome and infinite possibilities that we can’t yet see.

It can be difficult. The determination, drive, commitment and — dare I say — control that have helped us are now being beckoned to soften and rebalance in order to experience an awesome future. We’re being called to loosen our grip, let go, and trust.

What I am saying is that for many of us at this point in our lives, we are noticing a reassembling of our programs, stories and nervous systems. And on cue — as growth does — it rarely feels good.

The reality is life has a way of surprising us with illness, divorce, job loss, child challenges, or other unexpected events. What we know but tend to forget is that it’s not the events themselves but how we respond that shapes our future.

When your inner control freak is leading, it’s easy to want to resist feeling. After all, feelings are inefficient and can make us feel out of control.

I’ve learned, however, that grieving, crying, even shouting in my car, to a friend or therapist can be exactly what we need to release and get back into our flow. It’s essential to metabolizing this glorious, messy and bumpy roller coaster of life.

Once you feel the pain of an ending — unexpected or otherwise — look forward. Move into the unknown and step outside your comfort zone. Rebuild your life with faith that something better is already taking shape.

Remember, some of the hardest experiences become the biggest catalysts for change. Life’s unpredictability can be daunting and sometimes breathtaking. You are not alone. Start small to regain your footing: make your bed, take your supplements, drink a liter of water before 8:00am and take one step at a time.

Embrace the journey. One day, you’ll look back and be thankful that things didn’t go as planned. You’ll see that the life unfolding before you is far better than the one you envisioned.

Today, as we celebrate Father’s Day, let’s also acknowledge the fathers and father figures in our lives who embody resilience and adaptability. Let’s borrow strength knowing that they too likely experienced plenty of uncertainty and plans upended. Take a moment to appreciate the lessons they’ve taught us about letting go and trusting the journey.

Finally, remember this: You’re worthy of new beginnings and you’re more okay than you think you are. Keep the faith that the best is before you. It’s unfolding perfectly and on time according — perhaps not to your plan but — to your destiny!

All my best,

~Rita

How To Engage In Pressureful Situations While Maintaining Your Best Self

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

How do you engage in pressured situations while maintaining your best self? What do you do to manage and prevent stressful situations from negatively impacting your behavior?

In an ideal world, we don’t feel pressure at all—we hold boundaries, disarm conflict, and let things roll off our back. But we know that’s not reality all the time, right? We are complex creatures with emotions and past experiences that can trigger us. Whether it’s deadlines, difficult conversations with colleagues, or even complicated family matters — pressure is an unavoidable part of life.

Of course, being self-aware is the first and foremost way to decrease our reactivity. By examining what triggers us, shining a flashlight on our blindspots and peeling back the layers, we can unlock our best selves and our best levels of leadership. BUT what do you do when the pressureful situation still strikes and you are knee-deep in it?

In this episode, I’ll dive into how we can handle these moments in real-time without losing control and instead become models of the behavior we most want to see in our board rooms, classrooms, and family rooms.

The Reality of Pressure and Its Impact

Recognizing and understanding why we feel pressure in different scenarios can help us improve our self-awareness in the moment.

In a meeting I witnessed a team member, Tom, becoming increasingly agitated. His voice grew louder and more aggressive. The tension was evident and most in the room grew progressively uncomfortable. But then, Tom did something extraordinary. He paused, took a breath, and became aware of his behavior in real-time. Tom performed a quick self-assessment and chose to change his approach. He then apologized, acknowledged the pressure he was under and said that it still didn’t justify his behavior. This honest self-assessment and admission not only transformed Tom, but also transformed others in the room, allowing everyone to relax and feel compassion. It brought the team back to the real issue, enabling us to work together more effectively.

The Way We React to the World is Significant

Unexpected and uncontrollable events happen all the time. So, we need to know what we can do to avoid being hijacked by these moments and instead maintain our best selves. We need effective strategies. The good news is that there are ways to dismantle and redirect these pressureful situations before they escalate or harm our relationships and careers.

Here are the Five Steps to Maintain Your Best Self Under Pressure

Be Aware of the Moment

Recognizing these pressureful moments makes all the difference. It might seem simple, but it’s not. Pressure triggers an instinctive response from our sympathetic nervous system, often before we’re even aware of it. Noticing physical signs like increased heart rate, faster speech, or sweaty palms can help you become aware that you are moving to a flight or flight response.

Pause

Once you’re aware of a pressureful situation, pause. This allows you to become an objective observer of your situation. By stepping outside yourself and looking back — neutrally — you can see your behavior as it’s occurring. Slowing your heart rate down with deep breathing is extremely influential when you notice the physical experience of fear manifesting in your body. One simple way is to inhale for four, hold for seven, exhale for seven. This will reduce the pressured feeling in the moment and move you from a reactive to a calm state.

Give Your Pressured Self a Direction

When I feel pressured, I am open to help. The good news I’ve learned is that we can actually help ourselves in these moments. For me, the simple direction of “release” can take me back to my center. It’s like telling a dog to drop the bone. This simple direction can shift me when the pressure is mounting and I feel more defensive or aggressive in a certain moment.

Becoming defensive under pressure is a very natural and common way we armor up to protect ourselves when we interpret a situation as threatening. Unfortunately, being defensive (other than when we are being physically attacked) is also unproductive and detrimental. You can’t be at your best—thinking clearly or solving problems effectively—when you’re defensive. So, when you feel the urge to react negatively, remind yourself to “release” the fear or tension in that moment.

Perform a Self-Assessment

We know that when we feel pressured, we’re often driven by fear or worry. Certainly not our best selves. To get to the root of why this is, ask yourself these two questions: “What am I really afraid of?” and “What is my truth”? Often, our fears are irrational and identifying the truth allows us to return from our pressured selves back to our best selves.

This was best demonstrated by Tom when he was able to do this in real-time and owned what he feared — that his team wouldn’t perform and that would lead to his failure and judgment from stakeholders. He then identified what was as true (or more true) than his fear, that he could lead his team to successful completion with his colleagues’ support. By pulling out of his fear, he was able to not lose control and instead access better resources and support.

Follow the #1 Leadership Principle: Lead from Love

One way to practice this is to ask yourself, “What would love do here?” This principle helps you respond with empathy and compassion rather than fear and defensiveness. Choose to lead from love even when the pressure is on.

Now, whenever you feel pressure rising, you have a complete process to help you rise as an employee or leader:

1. Be aware you’re in a pressure moment. Name that pressureful moment.
2. Pause. Objectively observe yourself.
3. Give direction and help your pressured self. Simply provide the part of you that is in fight or flight to “release.”
4. Perform a self-assessment. Start asking yourself, “What am I afraid of?” and “What is the truth?” Then behave according to the truth.
5. Lead from Love.

Remember, if you shut down, others shut down. When you stay calm you will elicit calm from others.

In each pressured moment lies an opportunity to exhibit your highest potential. Use these strategies to transform pressure into growth and demonstrate emotional maturity that sets you apart and drives you towards more substantial, fulfilling outcomes in every area of your life.

In this episode, I share:

How to recognize a pressured moment as it’s rising
How to avoid reacting and instead dismantle a pressured situation like the great leaders do
Five simple, practical steps you can use in real-time to maintain your best when the pressure is high
The role and advantage of self-awareness when the stakes are high and the decisions matter

Resources and related episodes:

Tune in to the previous episode, (Part 2) Enrich Your Relationships with The Enneagram and Leslie Neugent
Try these Mindfulness Apps: Apps like Headspace or Calm can help you develop mindfulness practices.
Read the book, “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman
If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
Learn more about the Inside Out Method
Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

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About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Neuroleadership Growth Code, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

Leading (and Parenting) In Uncertain Times

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

Uncertainty is wreaking havoc in our offices and homes. For the last few years, we couldn’t even be sure what would happen 48 hours from now. This tension ultimately destroys performance, connection, and the contributions we’re here to make. It’s important that we become better leaders for these uncertain times so that we become part of the solution rather than unwittingly contributing to it.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to appear on Oprah, but not for the reason that someone like me would dream of. When my oldest daughter was 10, she was interviewed by a popular conscious parent coach named Dr. Shaefali for a two-part series on relationships between parents and children.

During the taping, my daughter shared that sometimes when she talks to me about feeling the pressure, she doesn’t always need me to go into working mode on how to solve the problem; sometimes, she just needs a hug and the reassurance that it will be okay.

This internationally humbling experience made me realize that while I was trying to be a present and considerate, loving mother, I was too focused on fixing things and putting out fires. Even as a teenager, when she came to me with a struggle, I found myself trying to solve the problem instead of just being there to support her.

It took some time for me to realize that I was busy trying to fix something that she wasn’t asking me to fix. I was likely pushing my own agenda to get things accomplished or attempting to remove her pain because of what I may have interpreted that meant about me as her mother.

What’s more, I realized that each time she came to talk to me and I was providing ways to fix her struggle, I was actually making her MORE uncertain and insecure.

What does this have to do with becoming an effective leader who engages and empowers individuals, teams, or cultures to achieve great things together?

When I talk to top performers, experts, and leaders, they often say the same thing my daughter said: “My manager doesn’t get it. He doesn’t listen. He’s not changing.” Or “She’s got her own way of doing things. She’s not interested.”

The worst part in these moments is not what’s said on the surface; it’s the underlying message that’s often interpreted and delivered when we try to solve their problems or fix things when they don’t ask us to. We may inadvertently send the message that we don’t believe in their abilities enough for them to figure it out on their own or that we are so insecure in ourselves that we need to provide solutions in order to take us out of our discomfort. Neither of these makes another more certain or more secure.

Why is this important?

Because insecurity masks wisdom.

Insecurity is a result of uncertainty. And insecurity blocks our wisdom, which leads directly to disengagement, disempowerment, and underperformance.

Insecurity leads to the very things we don’t want. Yet too often we are contributing to increasing uncertainty and insecurity without being aware of it. In this way, we contribute to the very problem we are seeking to solve.

In a survey of 3,400 people published in January 2023 by human resources software firm UKG, Inc., nearly 70% said bosses influenced their mental health as much as a spouse or partner. This figure does not surprise me but does confirm the importance of your role as a leader — especially in these uncertain times.

I know it’s not easy being a leader when there continues to be so much happening in our world. Take the swing of the markets, the decreased reliability on banks, shootings, and not to mention the host of things we face on a personal level; then you add the weight of knowing that you, as a leader, have that level of influence over others. Whether right or wrong, it’s real. It doesn’t mean your job is easy, but it does mean it’s important.

We spend 66% of our adult lives at work. This is why improving our ability to lead during uncertain times is so important. What you do, what you say, and how you treat others matters in ways you probably aren’t aware of. We must be conscious of the messages we send to those we lead and choose to be positively infectious leaders.

Nine out of the 10 people that you lead are not lacking the skill set or ability to make significant contributions. What gets in their way is not their skill set but their uncertainty and insecurity. We, as leaders, have an opportunity and responsibility to do what we can to help them break through it.

Inspiring confidence is key to managing people, especially in uncertain and changing times.

Now more than ever is the time to acknowledge the anxiety those around us may have, as well as to value their work. Not just their outcomes, but their efforts too.

I’m sharing with you three ways to lead in uncertain times so that you can create an empowered and engaged culture – one individual at a time.

3 Shifts to Make in Uncertain Times

Have a process to grow your inner game. We have to have a strategy to process life. We can’t lead beyond ourselves. Being able to process our own stuff and become more self-aware is the #1 advantage. Your business and leadership grow in direct proportion to your growth.
Know your intention: Ask yourself – “Am I speaking to cultivate the best version of the individual I am leading or my own agenda? Am I leading from my own insecurities or my wisdom?” Understand that when you take care of your people, business takes care of itself.
Listen before leaning in & show appreciation. Validate the person’s feelings rather than trying to take them out of their struggle immediately. After that, ask better questions to help them access their own wisdom and eventually be able to do it independently. We also need to recognize people’s anxieties and the value that they bring and share that with them. People want to know that you know them, and we all need encouragement these days.

By making these shifts, you can be magnanimous and positively infectious wherever you are serving others.