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145: The Hidden Cost Behind Having It All Together: What High-Performers Rarely Admit But Deeply Feel

Listen To My Latest Podcast Episode:145: The Hidden Cost Behind Having It All Together: What High-Performers Rarely Admit But Deeply Feel

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Tag Archive for: life transitions

Discomfort is a sign of growth

Discomfort Is a Sign of Growth — Not a Signal To Stop

Discomfort is a sign of growth

 

Last weekend, my daughter graduated from college. A proud, emotional, heart-tugging milestone. As I cheered her on, I couldn’t help but return in my mind to the day we dropped her off in Texas four years ago.

It was August 2021 — peak COVID uncertainty. Move-in day was rainy, chaotic, masked, distanced, and heavy with emotion. At the end of it all, as her dad and I prepared to leave, she cried and asked me not to go.

Last weekend, she cried again — not because we were leaving her, but because she was leaving a place she had come to love, grown strong in, and made her own.

That’s the thing about change — it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes it brings tears. But it also brings growth.

This year has brought its own discomfort for me, too.

In the fall, I moved to Minnesota to support my son in a new opportunity — playing hockey for the school year. A new place, a fresh experience, and a chance to show up for someone I love.

In reality, it was hard.

Like really hard.

I was surprised at my own resistance. I kept thinking, People go through much more difficult changes than this. What is wrong? Why is this hitting me so hard?

But I knew deep down that my discomfort had something to teach me — even if I didn’t understand it yet.

So I grieved the change. Dug deep. Then I got curious.

I asked myself: When have I felt this way before? What is this discomfort here to teach me? How can this experience help me grow? What gifts might be hidden inside this change?

The answers didn’t come all at once. But slowly, I realized I was being stretched — emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

I was learning how to be okay in the unknown. How to find peace without a routine. How to let go, support, and stay grounded — all at once.

Just like my daughter’s first year away, this season has changed me. I’m not the same person who started the year — and I’m thankful for that. I’m a better version of me.

Here’s what I’ve come to know: Growth rarely feels good in the moment. It often comes dressed as frustration, loneliness, doubt, or resistance. But that’s not failure. That’s the work. That’s transformation happening in real time.

Discomfort is not the enemy. It’s a signal. A sign that we’re stretching past our comfort zone, moving into the next version of who we’re becoming.

So if you’re in a season that feels like too much or not enough, remember: growth often feels like falling apart before it feels like coming together. And we’re always, always learning — even when our school’s name is the University of Life.

Here’s to change. Here’s to discomfort. And here’s to what’s waiting on the other side of both!

 

All my best,

~Rita

 

P.S. Have you ever resisted a change that ended up being great or helped you grow? I’d love to hear your story — just hit reply. 😃

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/May-Newsletter.png 464 440 Joyce Polintan https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Joyce Polintan2025-05-22 21:19:122025-05-22 21:28:01Discomfort Is a Sign of Growth — Not a Signal To Stop
inner shakedown

The First 3 Steps To Creating What You Want After An Inner Shakedown

inner shakedown

Listen to the full podcast episode to learn about the science-backed practice that has not only changed my life but also the lives of countless people over the last two decades. This is something you can’t ignore if you want to achieve that great goal you identified for this year and write your new future.

 

 

Are you at a point where you’re questioning everything about your life right now? Maybe you’re feeling uncertain, like the ground beneath you is shifting, and nothing feels as stable as it once did. It’s that messy, uncomfortable feeling that hits when the things you rely on, routines, relationships, or even your sense of purpose suddenly feel out of place. You thought life was headed in the right direction until it didn’t. 

Stop for a moment and listen to what your inner shakedown is trying to tell you.

Because here’s a liberating truth: that unsettling feeling is a sign, a call for change, an opportunity to step into something greater and redefine your next season.

In this episode, I’m sharing what I call an “inner shakedown” moment I went through last summer, how it shook things up for me and sparked deep reflection. The thing about our life’s unexpected curveballs is that while challenging, they often become powerful catalysts for growth. So, if you’re in the midst of your own inner shakedown, or perhaps you’ve experienced one before. Whatever the case, I hope this sheds light on the purpose these moments serve in our lives and how we can navigate them with greater clarity and grace.

What Is an Inner Shakedown?

So, what is an inner shakedown, and why does it happen? This shakedown felt like an existential crisis triggered by a series of life changes, or what I call “presenting situations.” These events shake our inner foundations and force us to re-evaluate who we are and where we are going. Maybe you’ve had one too. It could be a new job, a layoff, a significant loss, or even something seemingly small. Regardless of the cause, an inner shakedown feels like everything that once worked for you is now falling apart.

For me, the presenting situations were a mix of several changes: another child starting college, temporarily relocating to a new state to support my youngest son, and losing a beloved family member. It was like everything familiar was being stripped away, leaving me questioning so much about my life. But really, it’s been the catalyst to brings all the underlying issues and emotions to the surface. As uncomfortable as they are, these moments are necessary to give us a chance to heal and evolve so we can dive into what we really want now. 

What Happens During a Shakedown?

Inner shakedowns often occur during times of transition or loss. As I’ve come to realize, every change brings with it some form of loss, and with loss comes grief. Whether it’s the grief of the past or anticipatory grief for the future, these feelings invite us to dive deeper into our inner game. They force us to confront our histories, our old coping habits, and the ways we’ve managed life up to this point.

These moments aren’t just emotionally messy and painful. They also bring up our deepest fears and vulnerabilities, making us feel lost and uncertain about what’s to come. But as uncomfortable as they are, they’re also necessary.

How to Navigate an Inner Shakedown

As difficult as inner shakedowns are, they hold immense potential for growth if we can learn to navigate them. Here are key ways to make them a little easier:

Identify “Something Is Off”

The first step in any inner shakedown is to acknowledge that something is off. Denying or avoiding these feelings only intensifies the upheaval. Embrace the discomfort and let your feelings guide you. Our emotions are like a GPS, pointing us toward what needs disassembling so it can be transformed. Rather than resisting your feelings, give yourself permission to experience them fully. 

As Robert Frost’s poem said, “The only way out is through.”

So, think of shakedowns as tunnels. We have to pass through them to emerge on the other side because one thing is for sure: ignoring these signals will only amplify the noise and pain —internally and externally. 

Ask for Help

One of the critical lessons from my experience is the importance of seeking help, whether through prayer, therapy, or seeking support from friends and family. Long gone are the days when I tried to do everything on my own. When we allow others to walk with us through our struggles, we not only heal faster but also grow stronger.

Choose Your Response

We may not be in control of what happens to us, but we are in control of how we respond to it. This is where our true power lies, and that’s the essence of an inner shakedown. In my case, a powerful quote by Viktor Frankl provided clarity: 

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

This concept of choice reminded me that how we respond to our feelings and experiences is ultimately up to us, even when life feels out of control.

Write It Down

Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools I’ve found during my inner shakedown moments. Putting thoughts to paper allows you to clarify what’s happening in your head and process your emotions.

As Joan Didion said, “I write to find out what I’m thinking.” Writing allows us to slow down, reflect, and tune into the emotions we might otherwise overlook. It creates a bridge between the chaos in our mind and the clarity we seek, giving us space to acknowledge the feelings and begin the shift toward healing and growth.

Just 10–12 minutes a day writing about your emotions can shift your perspective and lead to meaningful growth and transformation.

Pivotal journal questions to ask yourself during these inner shakedowns:

  1. What is it that I feel? Identify your current emotional state and the thoughts that are leading to these feelings.
  2. What do I want to feel today? Notice the gap between your thoughts and the emotions they’re triggering and ask yourself what you truly want to feel.  Clarity about what you want begins to emerge in this step. 
  3. What do I need to let go of that I think I need?  Identifying and releasing unsupportive attachments or coping habits opens the space to know what you want in this next season. 

By embracing the discomfort of the inner shakedown and using it as a catalyst for change, we can navigate through life’s tunnels, emerging more aligned with our true selves. 

If you’re in the middle of a shakedown, know you’re not alone. These messy, painful, but ultimately transformative moments are part of the human experience. Keep moving through it, and trust that something greater is on the other side.

In this episode, I share:

  • How moments of emotional turbulence or life transitions can serve as our fuel for the work and life that we have not dived into —but that is waiting 
  • The importance of recognizing and accepting uncomfortable emotions as a map for elevating ourselves. 
  • Simple and effective ways to navigate change with less pain and more ease.

Resources and related episodes:

  • Read the book Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
  • Tune in to the previous episode, Disassembling Old Patterns For Profound Peace & Improved Performance
  • Book a Connection Call
  • If you’d like to be notified of when new podcast episodes are released, you can do so here: Playing Full Out
  • Learn more about the Inside Out Method
  • Connect with Rita on LinkedIn

Subscribe on Apple Podcasts for more tips, tools, and inspiration to lead the optimal vision of your life, love, and leadership. Remember, a half version of you is not enough. The world needs the fullest version of you at play.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

___

About Rita Hyland

With over 20 years of experience as an executive and leadership coach, Rita helps leaders — emerging and established — excel in corporate and entrepreneurial environments.

Rita believes if leaders were more clear about how transformation really works and more intentional about creating what they want, their impact, success, and influence in the world would be unstoppable.

Through her coaching programs, private coaching, and masterminds, Rita shows leaders how to win consistently and create the impact and legacy they desire.

Central to Rita’s work is the understanding that you will never outperform your current programming, no matter how strong your willpower.

When you learn to use Rita’s proprietary Inside Out Method, a technology that uses the best of neuroscience and transformational psychology to hit the brain’s buttons for change, YOU become both the solution and the strategy.

Her mission is to end talented, hard-working, and self-aware leaders spending another day stuck in self-doubt or confusion and not contributing their brilliant work and talent the world so desperately needs.

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/inner-shakedown.png 464 440 Joyce Polintan https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Joyce Polintan2024-10-18 05:00:272024-12-01 01:42:24The First 3 Steps To Creating What You Want After An Inner Shakedown
new beginnings

The Paradox Of Endings and New Beginnings

new beginnings

This week I celebrated my second daughter’s graduation from high school. She’s worked hard over these last four years and is ready for new beginnings when she heads to college in August. I’m both proud and happy for her.

The thing about new beginnings though is that they require something else to end.

In many ways, this ending is what her dad and I have been preparing for these last 18 years. Like many endings we face in life, this one is bittersweet. I must allow for two things to be present: the sadness associated with ending a time I loved raising her in our home and the celebration of her evolvement and success.

I know it’s time for new chapters — both hers and my own. And once again I am being called to answer the question, what do I want now? What do I want in this next chapter? Maybe you’re feeling called to answer the same question.

Fortunately, summertime has arrived. For me, summer has always been a time to slow down, reset, reflect, find joy in little adventures, and even experience a bucket list moment. This summer I’m going to enjoy one of those by traveling with my 79-year-old mother and two daughters to view the art and history of Italy.

While planning our visit, my oldest daughter, who is already studying abroad, reminded me to leave time for the unplanned. “Mom, don’t plan it all,” she said, as I asked her thoughts on the tours I’d scheduled. “It’s fun to just walk around and explore.” Ah. I knew she was right. I was grateful for the reminder.

A part of me is always seeking the simple, more serene life while another part tends to want to move quickly, and efficiently, preparing to get the next thing accomplished so I will be ‘prepared’ to enjoy the future. But as I was reminded by my daughter who will be leaving in just a couple of months, the moment I’ve been preparing for — and always am — is now.

A long time ago I learned to relax into whatever’s happening. Struggling against reality is exhausting and with profoundly disappointing results. Sometimes this is easier for me to do than others.

As I come off the high of the graduation celebration this weekend, I am not certain exactly of how the new puzzle pieces will fit together. But I do know what I want for sure this summer.

I want to slow down. I want more simplicity — more serenity, more presence. To me, that means more long walks. More deep talks. I want to take in every moment I have with my daughter before she leaves. This summer I vow to enjoy more of the things I did as a kid — dipping my toes in the ocean, cannonballing into a pool, sitting in silence in the early morning hours as the sun rises, eating a DQ with the car windows down and singing along to country music I love.

Sometimes it takes time for our hearts to accept what our mind already knows. Whatever ending you’re facing, give yourself grace and give yourself time.

Endings and goodbyes can be hard, but they do clear the way for a fresh start and for something more when we are ready.

We don’t know what is on the other side yet, but just like all of the other endings in my life, there was something equally beautiful — or better — on the other side.

Here’s to living in the paradox of endings and new beginnings. And leaving room for the unplanned while leaping into what calls you next and those places you’ve never been yet.

If you’re like me and feeling called to slow it down this summer, I offer you this poem, Slow Me Down, Lord, by Wilferd A. Peterson, to use as your daily reminder.

​
​SLOW ME DOWN, LORD

Slow me down, Lord.

Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind.

Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time.

Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills.

Break the tension of my nerves and muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my memory.

Help me to know the magical, restoring power of my sleep.

Teach me the art of taking “minute vacations” of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a great book.

Slow me down. Lord, and inspire me to send my roots deep in the soil of life’s enduring values, that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny.

~ Wilferd A. Peterson

 

Cheers to summer,

~Rita

https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Endings-and-New-Beginnings.png 464 440 Joyce Polintan https://www.ritahyland.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Rita-Hyland-1-line-blue-NOTAG-01.svg Joyce Polintan2024-05-27 17:10:302024-05-27 17:16:46The Paradox Of Endings and New Beginnings

Hi, I’m Rita!

I’ve guided individuals, leaders and teams over the last two decades through 1000’s of challenges —coaching them to build businesses and careers that thrive and lives they love.

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